The "Hail to Thee, Camp Islamabad!" Offensive

Holy hell and Hallelujah! Just when I thought I would have to suicide myself in order to find eternal peace I think I found an answer to my heartfelt prayers threats that I've been making to Allah himself ever since summer began!!

That's right, according to this article, the Taliban is paying top dollar for children as young as 11 to come to Camp Islamabad and let me tell you, with a price tag of $6,000 to $12,000 apiece as an incentive, I am allllllll over that shit!

Yep, my kids are already on the waiting list and their bags are packed so as soon as I remember to take my Ritalin so that I can then remember where I put the car keys and also remember where it is that I dropped them off last, they are on their way for some summer fun in the hot desert sun:


Hooyah!!

Hey, don't give me that look. It is not a selfish act whatsoever to send your bored children off to a suicide bomber camp for the summer!

OK, so maybe it is a bit selfish, but still. Do you know how much it would cost me to send just one of my kids to the local Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp for one measly week of grueling torment?!!

Well, honestly, neither do I, but I bet it is a whole hell of a lot more money than I'm willing to cough up.

Even if it would reform their attitudes and teach them how to survive out in the Rocky Mountains with little more than a compass, a canteen and three or four perverted, skin headed camp counselors dressed in paramilitary garb screaming in their faces and forcing them to do unimaginable things until they beg for mercy and cry for their mommy to save them.

Which I wouldn't.

OK, fine.

You're right!

My kids are evil geniuses like moi so they'll figure out my scheme eventually and they'll definitely want a piece of the pie once they find out that I sold them to the Taliban for enough money to buy a new monster truck.

Dammit, why couldn't I have had retarded children like everyone else????!!!!!!

Ugh.

I mean, chances are they won't be able to escape, but....

....I don't think I can move on with a clear conscience with the thought of them getting all the way to camp and then possibly figuring out a way to chew through the restraints, making it past the armed, turban wearing camp counselors, hijacking a camel to get to a port town to find a cargo vessel, surviving as stowaways in the stifling hot underbelly of the ship with nothing but their own urine to drink, making it past Homeland Security in NY harbor without being mistaken as illegals and deported to Mexico, hitchhiking all the way back to Idaho without becoming a traveling serial killer's latest victim and then managing to bribe the right authorities so they can track me down after I've changed my name, dyed my hair and moved to a new house!

In Amsterdam!

Heh.

That could set a dangerous precedent because not only would they preach at me for being a traitor to my country and for squandering my share of the wealth in the numerous cannabis cafe's of Amsterdam but they will have had plenty of time to plot against me and they might even use their share to hire my Jewish lawyer, Bernie, to sue me for violation of their civil rights and all the back allowance that I'm sure they believe I owe them for all the unpaid slave labor they've done for me over the years!

If I were them and they were me that's what I'd do, at least.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

I think I'll cancel their applications for Camp Islamabad and call the Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp after all.

You know, just to be safe.

:)

The "Emasculation Proclamation" Offensive

Soooo it's that time of the month again when, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, my thoughts turn from completely innocent, charitable and rather humanitarian things to utterly depraved, inhumane and purely evil things such as: running down annoying eco-tourists with my monster truck, furthering global warming by blowing up Yellowstone so that I'll end up with beach front property and castrating every male entity within a 10,000 mile radius of me.

Including Jesus:


I know! I feel badly about it because I frigging LOVE Jesus!

It's not like I would really do it, though, because for one thing, I am certainly not qualified or certified to do any emasculating without fear of being caught by the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration police, and for another, I like Jesus to be fully intact for our all night confession sessions, but, between you and me, if I were certified and if I did turn Jesus into a soprano eunuch with a couple of well placed snips and a hearty tug, it wouldn't be so bad!

Seriously!

Hey, I've been doing some window shopping and I know where I can get him the perfect pair of fake gonads that he could wear after he healed. Heck, he can have a few pairs since they come in different colors for special occassions:


Personally, I like the shiny silver and gold ones. With those, Jesus can sport some ball bling just for me! And he can wear the blue ones when I'm not around, if ya know what I mean.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, don't worry, I know it is wrong, and I actually thought it was a demon or something making me think such wicked thoughts and I even tried talking to a priest about it but, well, I'm not Catholic so that pretty much backfired on me:

Like I needed some perverted old bastard who wears a dress and only has sex with young boys to confirm what I already knew!

Heh.

He's just damn lucky that my teeth weren't sharp enough to do the job or he'd have been my first victim right then and there, believe me.

Still, it bothers me that I think this way, and I even tried therapy a few times to fix whatever is wrong with me but I guess I pick the wrong therapists or something because it always turns out the same:


Frigging Freudian sissies. They probably have oral fixations and perverted thoughts about their mothers anyway.

Well actually, there was that one therapist with whom I thought I was really making some progress, but then she totally crossed the line of professionalism once she fully comprehended my twisted way of thinking:

Yeeeeeahhhh.

Like I want to start with HER exes when I have plenty of my own who should be at the top of our mass castration list!!

Ugh!!!!!!

Oh well, with the money I saved by firing that crazy bitch I was able to afford to take a vacation far, far, far away from any potential castration victims and just be alone with my nefarious thoughts until that time of the month was over so the world could once again be safe and I could go back to being my sweet, angelic self again.

Of course, instead of doing that, I took the money and enrolled myself in an online class on Emasculation 101.

Yep and I even had enough left over to buy the perfect tool for the job:



By this time next month I'll be a fully certified Emasculator and if the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration cops show up after that, they'll be leaving here singing soprano and won't even be able to write me a ticket or anything!

Now I just need a willing participant or two to practice on before my final exam.

Hmm, I wonder if those Mormon boys are still in the neighborhood....

:)

The "Some Gays Should Stay in the Closet!!" Offensive

Now before you get your sequined panties in a wad and hit speed dial on the local Idaho Gay Rodeo Association so you can send them over to simultaneously kick my ass and redecorate my boudoir, let me clarify my position:

I am NOT a homophobe.

Gay people do not scare me in the least!

Well, OK, between you and me, I'm pretty sure that Chastity, er, Chaz Bono could flatten me like a pancake with one punch, especially now that the male hormones are kicking in, but that's beside the point. For the most part, I think gay people are rather harmless and a few are even somewhat adorable!

Like these guys:

Don't look at me like that. You didn't know that Elmo is a flaming sodomite who frequents the Continental Baths everytime he is in NYC?! He's still adorable, either way.

So is the Adam Lambert lookalike waiter who serves me pancakes at the local IHOP:

I know! Isn't he as cute as a gerbil at the end of a rainbow leash at the Folsom Street Fair??

Heh.

I bet the IGRA dudes wouldn't mind taking an 8 second ride with him or Anderson Cooper at the 'all you can eat, all night rodeo buffet of love', if ya know what I mean and I bet at least one of them has some 'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads in the top drawer of his Edland nightstand:

Hooyah!

Well, for him.

:/

The problem is, the adorable ones aren't getting as much media attention as the unadorable ones, and I am really frigging tired of seeing these half naked freaks everywhere I turn nowadays:


OK, that last one wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that:

A. He has tits.
B. He has cellulite.

Ughhhh!!!!

Now you tell me, why can't the gay cowboys of the IGRA or Anderson Cooper or Elmo or my Adam Lambert lookalike waiter from the IHOP be on the cover of GQ, or give birth, or get arrested while wearing a woman's bathing suit, instead?!

I mean, I could totally be even more tolerant of them half naked.

Especially the gay cowboys. I'm sure if I called up the IGRA and asked, they would oblige:


Hooyah again!!

(This time for me.)

(Well, and them.)

:/

Oh well, at least I still have Rammstein to look at. They make up for all the half naked gay freaks out there:

They like to pose half naked in flaming sodomitish poses, even though they really aren't gay.

They just fake it.

No, seriously!

Pfft... I bet they don't even own any 'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads, or anything.

:)