"Being offended is a natural consequence to leaving one's house" ~ Fran Lebowitz

"Hey, pull the offending stick out of your offended ass and laugh at our offensive world!" ~ Chelle B.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

On A Serious Note...


" Criminalizing speech on grounds that it is insulting might appease some people, but it violates the fundamental human right of free speech. The Saudi government uses these laws primarily to silence its critics. "

Sarah Leah Whitson, Middle East director at Human Rights Watch




Hey fellow offenders, no offense but I am hijacking my own blog today to bring attention to a very special cause; today is Bloggers Unite for Human Rights day.

There are so many human rights violations taking place out there, and it wasn't easy to choose just one to focus on, but because I simply can not stomach the idea that a fellow human could be put to death for "offending Allah", I decided to highlight the human rights abuses that are so prevalent within Islam.

It is almost unthinkable that in today's modern world, things like this are taking place and while doing some research at the website for Human Rights Watch, I found the the following article and it really struck a nerve with me and made me realize, yet again, just how thankful I am to be an American and how very determined I am to not allow ANYONE to silence me or put limitations my freedom to offend:

"(New York, May 13, 2008) – Courts in Jeddah should dismiss cases against a Saudi web critic and a Turkish barber charged with “insulting” Islam, an unequivocal violation of freedom of expression protected under international law, Human Rights Watch said today.

“Criminalizing speech on grounds that it is insulting might appease some people, but it violates the fundamental human right of free speech,” said Sarah Leah Whitson, Middle East director at Human Rights Watch. “The Saudi government uses these laws primarily to silence its critics.”

On May 5, the prosecution service in Jeddah charged Ra’if Badawi with “setting up an electronic site that insults Islam,” and referred the case to court, asking for a five-year prison sentence and a 3 million riyal (US$800,000) fine. Unknown persons have hacked Badawi’s website multiple times, and have published his phone numbers, work address, and a threat on the hacked site: “Oh you retard, you are in the land of Muhammad, peace be upon him. Underline ‘Muhammad’ with a thousand lines before a thousand swords are put above your neck!” Prosecutors have not investigated the hackers or the death threats against Badawi.

The prosecution service had detained Badawi in March 2008 for one day to interrogate him about his website, which he uses to detail abuses by the Saudi religious police and to question the predominant interpretation of Islam. After being threatened with arrest for his online activities and receiving personal threats of physical harm, Badawi fled Saudi Arabia two weeks ago.

“Saudi assertions of increased freedom of expression ring hollow in light of the systematic silencing of critics who dare to speak their minds publicly,” Whitson said.

In a second case, the Mekka appeals court on May 1 upheld Sabri Bogday’s death sentence issued on March 31, 2008 for “cursing the name of God.” Bogday, a Turkish national who had worked in Jeddah for 11 years as a barber, allegedly insulted God during an argument with a Saudi client and an Egyptian neighbor. Bogday, who did not have a lawyer in court, denied cursing God, but the three judges of the lower court regarded the testimony by the Saudi and the Egyptian witnesses as sufficient proof that Bogday had committed the crime of apostasy, or defection from Islam.

“The charges, conviction, and sentence against Bogday show the dangers of criminalizing speech on the grounds that it’s offensive,” Whitson said. “There’s no good reason to believe that criminal penalties for insulting God or religion either prevent such insults or restore the alleged damage done to the reputation of religion or God.”

Although the existence of blasphemy laws make some forms of insult to religion an offence, human rights bodies have called for their abolition, and as a minimum that they be narrowly defined so they are compatible with international human rights law on free speech. “Cursing God” does not meet this test and should not be a criminal offence, Human Rights Watch said.

Saudi Arabia does not have a penal code, and the crimes of “insulting Islam” or “cursing God” are not precisely defined. Prosecutors and judges in Saudi Arabia frequently attach a criminal charge to an act they consider criminal without citing the legal basis for such a charge. International human rights law requires that the law, in particular one establishing criminal offences, be sufficiently precise to enable an individual to regulate his conduct appropriately.

International human rights law also protects freedom of expression. The government may only ban limited types of speech such as that which immediately and directly incites violence, but the government may not impose criminal sanctions for the expression of thoughts or opinions, merely because they are deemed offensive."

Saudi Arabia frequently convicts persons for alleged insults to religion. Hadi al-Mutif, who belongs to the minority Isma’ili creed in Shia Islam, remains on death row for allegedly insulting the Prophet Muhammad with two words in 1993; a court convicted teacher Muhammad al-Suhaimi in 2004 of insulting religion for his unorthodox views expressed in a classroom; teacher Muhammad al-Harbi was found guilty of blasphemy in 2005; and a different court charged Rabah al-Quwai’i with apostasy for internet writings in 2005.
I hope that this gives you food for thought, as it did me, and I hope that you not only appreciate but resolve yourself to supporting and defending the rights we have been blessed with. The rights that allow us to speak freely without fear of offending.

I hope they appreciate the right to offend freely over at humor-blogs.com!!


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The "Don't Ever Offend Google!!" Offensive

So was I the only one who wasn't aware that there is an unwritten rule which says that we aren't supposed to do anything to ever offend Google lest we invoke their wrath and suffer the consequences? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since they are the Antichrist.

That's right, and I'm not afraid to say it, either:

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE?! GOOGLE IS THE ANTICHRIST!!!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., I thought YOU were the Antichrist. Are you sure you aren't still hallucinating from all the Nyquil you ingested last week?".

No!!

Well, alright, maybe a little, but that's beside the point!!

Believe me, I was sure I was the one and only Antichrist, too, but I figure it all out after I watched this special program on Fox News the other day:


Yep, it was all about how Google is the devil and how they collect every little piece of information on us and how they are going to someday use it against us and control the world, which frankly, really scared the crap out of me when I thought of it, because I type some really bizarre shit into their search box sometimes!!

OK, pretty much all the time!

They could probably have me committed based on what I type in there.

Ugh.

You know, the very thought of them wielding so much power over the masses, well, particularly over ME, led me first to think I needed to kiss their ass for the rest of my life, and that led me to this frightening conclusion:

Google must be the Antichrist!!

Now, I know I've been claiming the title for a while now, and I know that I fit the profile pretty well and all, but hey, just stop and think about it for a minute.

It was through them that I found that "Are You the Antichrist" online test to begin with, so it is obvious that they wanted me to find and take that test, right?!

Right!

Why?!

Well, that's easy. It's because they feared my evil genius abilities and were trying to throw me off by making me think it was me and not them!!

Sadly, I fell for it, too, but lucky for me I have Fox News to help me see things straight.

Once the shock and disappointment wore off, I gathered up my courage and typed this into their search engine just to test out my new theory:



That's right, and guess what happened?

Well, my frigging computer crashed as soon as I hit the "Google Search" button, that's what happened!! Which, needless to say, only heightened my suspicions that it was them and not me who was the real Antichrist!

Honest!

Hey, I know what you are going through because I didn't want to believe it at first, either. I, too, had kind of grown fond of the idea that it was me, but any lingering doubts that I may have had were totally erased when I saw this in my cereal bowl the very next morning:


I know, pretty damn freaky, huh?!

Now that, my friend, is Antichrist-level power that I simply do not possess.

Honestly, I'm glad I don't wield that sort of power and I was actually relieved to be fully absolved of the responsibility that came with thinking I was the Antichrist.

I even thought it was a sign that I could finally put this all behind me and move on, but as usual, I was wrong!!

In fact, right after lunch, this whole thing took on a whole new level of 'holy shit, Chelle B., what sort of pure, unadulterated evil that is found only within the very deepest bowels of hell itself have you unleashed upon yourself??!'.

It actually came rather innocently wrapped up in this:



Ugh!!

Now, I don't know about you, but I just do NOT do well with being threatened, regardless of who it is doing the threatening!!

So, of course, I responded the same way any normal person would in that sort of situation - I wet my pants and then ran home and doused myself in holy water, then locked myself in the bathroom with a crucifix and a bible, along with a few gallons of tequila and a velvet painting of the Last Supper that I bought during my most recent trip down to Tijuana.

Oh, and I may or may not have grabbed an entire drawer full of steak knives and miscellaneous cooking utensils out of the kitchen on the way through, just as backup.

Well, and my trusty Ruger with hollowpoint bullets, too.

Maybe I had my Bowtech compound bow slung across my back as well, but I think I forgot the arrows so it really wouldn't have done me much good.

Look, you don't have to tell me that none of those things would have likely saved me against Google's (aka Antichrist's) wrath had he busted through the door to snuff me out, but need I remind you that I wasn't exactly thinking straight at the time?!

Between you and me, I really, REALLY wasn't thinking straight after that twelfth shot of tequila!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, I curled up in a fetal position there in that bathroom, drinking my fear away for three days straight until I finally sobered up and started craving some tacos and that's when I realized that the taco truck is where I should have went to begin with!!

I mean, honestly, who better to turn to in a situation like this than Jesus himself, right??!

Right!!

Welllllll....... I think they must have gotten to him before I did, because I told him EVERYTHING, and I even showed him the fortune cookie message but all he had to say about it was:



That really hurt, but I forgive him because he is my #1 fan!! No one else has my name tattooed on their head like he does.

Or did.

Hmm...

Poor Jesus! They must have come back after I left, too, and scared him into telling them what I said because the next day I found this out behind my house:



Was I scared?!

No way!!

OK, maybe just a little, but this time I had a massive tequila hangover to help numb the fear.

So naturally, I did the most logical thing possible: I ran back inside, doused myself in holy water, grabbed a few things, including my bible and my crucifix, as well as the last of the tequila and my velvet Last Supper painting, then jumped into my neighbor's tractor and left those bastards at Google my own little message:


That's right, I meant it too!!

Hey, they might be all-powerful but they don't scare me!!

Nope, not one bit.

OK, between you and me, maybe they do scare me just a little.

Alright, a lot!!

Even so, there is nothing you or I can do to stop them, so I am just going to pretend that they don't scare me and hope they believe it. I'm also going to keep on typing really bizarre shit into Google search until they either silence me or have me committed, or both.

Hey, I have to. It's research for my blog!!

;)



I bet I'm not the only one over at humor-blogs.com that is scared of Google!!

Friday, May 09, 2008

The "What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been!!" Offensive

OK, so no offense, but when I find out who ever the hell it was that came by my blog and left their nasty, contagious germs all over the place, they are really going to be sorry!!

Do they even realize how sick I was or what I've been through these past few days?!!

Do they even care??

:*(

Oh well, don't worry, because if it was you, you aren't the only one that I am mad at.

My hubby is on my revenge list at the moment, too.

Why??

Well, for starters, as soon as I started whining and complaining about just how close to death I was after that first sneeze, instead of feeling sorry for me like he was supposed to do, he just teased me and said he was going to call in the priests to read me my last rites:



It wasn't funny.

He knows I am not Catholic!!

Then, to top it off, he PRETENDED to be all nice while he waited on me hand and foot, but I know that he really used my being sick as an excuse to keep coming in to tell me all the plans he had for how he would spend all the insurance money he was going to collect from that huge policy he took out on me!!

That wasn't funny, either.

Well, OK, maybe it was a little funny because between you and me, he has some really crazy ideas on what to spend all that money on, but still!!

He did cheer me up a bit but I am mad at him anyway because thanks to him and his caretaking, I became completely hooked on this:


It's true!! I was sneaking out of bed and taking extra shots of it behind his back just to knock myself out so I didn't have to feel so frigging miserable.

Apparently, it got worse, too.

Now I don't remember any of the details, because for the last few days my brain has pretty much been like this...



...but my hubby told me that I also snuck out and drained our entire savings account at Costco buying cases of Nyquil and it took him a week to find me all strung out under the bridge with empty bottles of it strewn all around me and green goo smeared all over my face!!

I know!

It's kinda embarrassing, really.

AND, to top it off, he said our insurance won't pay for rehab to help me get over my Nyquil addiction so he had to send me to this cut-rate El Salvadorian rehab clinic but I think he forgot about me:


He told me I was only going to be in this place for a few days while he convinced the life insurance agency that I was dead so he could cash out my policy, but he would come right back and get me and take me to one of those really cool and trendy European spa rehab clinics.

It has been weeks and I still haven't heard from him and I am really starting to worry and I really frigging need to get my hands on some #$%!@#$% Nyquil, dammit!!!!!!!!!

Hey, it's not funny.

I hear they don't even sell it on the black market here in El Salvador.

Ugh!!!!!

Well, at least I am no where near as bad as my roommates are with their addiction problem:


I know, I feel sorry for them, too!!

They told me that they got hooked on Tylenol cold tabs back in the 70's and Medicare wouldn't cover both their nursing home cost AND their rehab costs so their kids made them fake their deaths to pay for it and then dropped them off to wait here, too, but they never came back and they've been here ever since.

Heh. I'm sure they'd have hung themselves with a piece of rusty barbed wire sooner if it wasn't for the fact that they can get Tylenol cold tabs on the black market here, the bastards!!!!!

It's not fair!!!

Oh well, I'm sure he'll show up any minute now to pick me up and we'll be rich and we can hit Costco to load up on Nyquil on the way home and maybe even get some tacos, too, since there aren't any taco trucks down here, either.

I sure miss Jesus!

Of course, I will still be mad at you if you're the one who got me sick to begin with, but if you'll buy me some Nyquil and some tacos and have them shipped to me here in my El Salvadorian rehab clinic while I wait for my hubby to come pick me up, I would probably forget all about this whole thing.

I'm serious!!

Oh, and please, wash your nasty germs off before you come by my blog next time!

;)



Sadly, Nyquil is the rehab drug of choice over at humor-blogs.com




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