The other day I was chatting online with my new black Army friend who convinced me that this whole "Don't Axe, Don't Tell" military policy is wrong, wrong, WRONG and should be repealed immediately!

At least I'm pretty sure he's black. His avatar is Obama and he has 50 Cent on his MySpace playlist. Plus, every time we chat he says "ya know wha I'm sayin?" at the end of every single sentence. Sometimes he even says it in the middle of a sentence which, between you and me, is kind of annoying, but I forgive him because it's Black History Month and all.

Stupid white guilt!!

Ugh.

Anyhoo, he is right about "Don't Axe, Don't Tell". How can any sane person support a policy that openly encourages such anti-social, psychopathic behavior from our military personnel?

These sort of people should be outed publicly, like the Nazi's at Nuremberg:

Heh.

Believe me, if I was in the military and I found out that someone in my foxhole was a homicidal, axe-wielding maniac I'd be the first one to help them bury the bodies and clean up the bloody mess afterward just so I could get out alive and rat them out to our commanding officer.

And Fox News!

Unless it was you, of course. I'd totally keep it on the down-low for you.

Well, unless Stephen Colbert called. I mean, no offense, but I'd rat myself out just for the chance to go on The Colbert Report.

Hooyah!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., your new black Army friend (who may or may not be a homicidal, axe-wielding maniac) might actually be the head Majorette of the gay R.O.T.C. and is trying to trick you into becoming a flaming liberal:"

Hmmm.

Maybe I won't change my mind about "Don't Axe, Don't Tell" after all. Let those flaming liberals axe each other to death!

Ya know wha I'm sayin?

When I heard about the horrible earthquake in Haiti, like many Americans I was struck with feelings of sorrow, guilt and self righteous indignation. And, like many Americans, I had to ask myself, "Why is it that every time some third world country sells its soul to the devil in order to stick pins in voodoo dolls and blow magic zombie powder on their neighbors and then acts surprised when God smites them with a disaster of biblical proportions does the rest of the world act like Americans are greedy, narcissistic assholes who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves?!!?!".

Seriously.

Everytime this shit happens I am tempted to not do a thing to help just to prove the rest of the world right!

Heh.

Of course, unlike Pat Robertson (who made his own deal with the devil back in 1969 during an LSD induced orgy in San Francisco!) deep down I am a humanitarian and since I don't want God to have any more excuses to smite my ass I'm doing the right thing.

In fact, as soon as I heard about the earthquake in Haiti, I immediately threw out all of my voodoo dolls and magic zombie powder and then, since my cell phone was on the charger, I visited all of my friends and neighbors and borrowed their cell phones so that I could text the word HAITI to 90999 in order to donate money to the Red Cross.

I didn't stop there, either. I went right out and bought Inglourious Basterds on Blueray so that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would have even MORE money to donate to their feel-good charity of choice, Doctors Without Borders and if it's good, I might even buy a second copy so that they can afford to fly down to Haiti and adopt a needy orphan or three.

That's right, because I am nice like that!

Of course I'd adopt a Haitian orphan or three myself but I'd feel totally guilty for ruining their chances of being adopted by Brad and Angelina. Plus, I'm not sure if I'd be able to properly answer all of the awkward questions that naturally arise from these types of situations:

Heh.

At least with my own kids I can just ignore them and with the hubs I can just divert his attention with mind blowing sex when that question comes up.

Believe me, he forgets we even have kids in no time!

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, I considered donating blood to help the Haitians, but I didn't think that any of them needed the added anxiety that comes with being all hopped up on Adderall and Red Bull so I decided my efforts are now best put to good use by collecting donations from other narcissistic, apathetic, selfish, asshole Americans like myself.

Today I hired this kid to stand on the corner for me:

Don't look at me like that.

I didn't want people to think it was another one of those "Fuck Me, Help Haiti!" street corner begging scams! Plus, knowing how all of my fellow narcissistic, apathetic, selfish asshole Americans are, that is the best way to get them to open up their wallets.

Yep and with all the money I make I plan on buying up miles and miles of discounted beachfront property like this one so I can open up some high end resorts, casinos, and strip clubs in order to help rebuild the Haitian economy:

Oh and I'll also bring Jesus along with me as well. He can introduce them to the righteousness of yummy taco truck tacos with extra, extra jalapenos and they will have no choice but to convert from their sinful, voodoo ways so God will find more deserving people to smite!

Like Pat Robertson.

Or anyone who isn't American.