The "Greener Pastures Out West" Offensive

I truly live in paradise...well, I did...

I just love living in this part of Idaho!! I mean look at that picture, you know it makes you jealous, I mean who wouldn't love living here??

Can't you just smell the fresh air, pine cones and deer scat??

Yep, people from all over the planet pay small fortunes to spend just a few days in my backyard, pretending that they are cowboys and cowgirls, that's how great it is.

I even love it in the wintertime, it's just as beautiful here during the winter in it's own die-from-exposure-in-under-ten-minutes-wintery-wonderland sort of way:

Unfortunately.... I'm the only one at my house who loves it this time of year and this winter my perfect little happy-I-live-in-an-Idaho-postcard life came suddenly crashing down around me like never before!

I don't know how it really happened...but I blame the friggin' dogs. I knew we shouldn't have gotten dogs!!

OK, I know, that sounds harsh...but it seems like it all started the other day when our two canines decided they didn't want to live outside anymore.

I can't imagine why, the snow wasn't that deep and it's not like they are hairless chihuahuas (well, one of them is, but still!!).

Anyhoo...my nightmare began when they took to loudly voicing their opposition to all things Idaho, well at least to all things Idaho outdoors.

It went on incessantly day and night for about a week until naturally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I finally opened the door to sweetly and gently tell them they were 'just fine' out there in that tiny bit of snow we had:

But..they were both apparently Malibu Barbie's in their last lives and despite my encouragement, were still just not happy with their doggie lives here in Idaho....





Being the dog lover that I am, I sent my son out to play with them, hoping if he kept them company maybe they would stop their bitching and whining and let me get back to my jug of Jack Daniels and reruns of General Hospital!!

Of course, it wasn't long after I locked the deadbolt and forgot about all three of them, that my own progeny turned on me!!

Can you believe it?

Only six hours later, and there he was, with his little blue face pressed to the window, begging for me to either let him in or give him the keys to the car so he could warm up.


Now, I am not one of those mothers who wants my boy to grow up to be a sissy man who cries over Dr. Phil commericals like his daddy, so I tried my best to encourage him to just make the best of what mother nature had to offer him out there. I emphasised my point by pulling the curtain closed and turning up the TV.

Despite my best efforts, it was obvious that he just wasn't willing to embrace his manhood and still insisted that I let him in.

Eventually his cries for help alerted our only neighbor who called to wake me up, and I had no choice but to go help my kid get back on his feet so he could enjoy playing in the snow some more, while I went in and went back to bed.

(I'm glad I put that soundproofing up in my bedroom!!)

Anyhoo...after a few more days of the dogs and the kid whining and crying and begging to come in, I finally sobered up and realized that I was completely out of liquor. I knew I would have to leave the house anyway....so I decided that I would take everyone on a little road trip to warmer pastures way out west where the kids and dogs could get a break from the snow (and I could gamble at an Indian Casino or two along the way, hooyah!).

So, I called and made reservations for us to stay at the Super 8 a few hours away in Boise. I don't usually splurge like that, but I decided we were worth it this time.

Of course the night before our big trip, the first real storm of the year hit. Just our luck!

That next morning, we were even more determined to go, so finding the car was our first obstacle. It's a small car so it wasn't easy to find before the storm:

And as you can imagine, a good snow storm here in Idaho will leave it's mark, not to mention a black eye and a few bruises, so getting out of the house to even find the car was actually the first obstacle.

Well, after trying all the doors and windows, I crawled out through the chimney and walked out to where I thought I knew the car was, but after a couple of hours of going in circles I gave up trying to locate it and eventually just went back in and dug a tunnel to it from the front door.

Heh, luckily it's a 4 wheel drive, so I had no problem climbing my way up and out and onto the road.

Of course we were so excited to be getting away from it all, even though it was a little hard to see the road at first...

Growing up in Wyoming, I had driven in much worse conditions though, so it was no problem for me to navigate the highway in this weather, expertly steering with one hand while I simultaneously tuned the radio, put on my makeup and read a book with the other one.

I made a few cell phone calls in between doing all that, too, to let my neighbor know that we wouldn't be back for a few days and to ask him if he'd keep the sidewalk shoveled for us.

We have great neighbors like that in Idaho, you know.

I wondered why I couldn't get ahold of him, until I caught sight of a colorful blur flying past me on the road.

I had forgotten that my neighbor, Frank, was one of those people we call 'snowbirds' who live here for the good weather and head to places like New Mexico, Arizona and Tijuana for the summers. For some reason, he had been procrastinating about leaving this year, he said he'd never actually been in the snow and I kinda think he wanted to know what he was missing....but it looked like the cabin fever had finally given him the incentive to head south:

I waved at him as he flew past me, happy to see that he was finally on his way, but I don't think he noticed me at all!

That was OK, he didn't get too far before I actually caught up with him and to my surprise, found him wandering aimlessly next to the road, his sled and dogs no where to be found!

Being the good neighbor that I am, I stopped a few times and offered to help him, but he became more and more insistent that I "piss off and leave him the hell alone!!"... so eventually I just gave up and put him out of my mind.

We'd work things out when spring came, I told myself.

Yet despite his wishes, I saw him one last time along the way... and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.

It's not his fault, I mean, the snow can really mess with your mind and make you hallucinate, (and between you and me, he never was 100% stable to begin with...) so I just pretended not to notice him up there on the snow hill screaming at the top of his lungs that he was the 'King of Tijuanaville'...

Poor Frank.

I really do wish him the best, and I hope someone finds him before he dies of exposure.

Anyhoo... it turned out that I wasn't too far from insanity myself, because about five hours into the trip, the sky cleared up and the sun started shining on that crystallized, pure white blanket of snow all around me, and let me tell you, there is nothing worse than being snow blind.

Nothing.

It can really mess with your vision!

At one point, I looked out my side window and I could have sworn I saw this:

Now, I know for a fact that the Japanese tourists only come here in the spring and summertime, so it had to be a hallucination brought on by snow blindness.... or maybe something I drank!!

And, it only got worse after that.

Things really snowballed from there (no pun intended!).

I guess I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, because first we ran out of road... and then we ran out of gas and eventually ended up walking for about four days in the blinding snow!!

Lucky for us that I came prepared, though, with an emergency kit that had all the stuff we needed, like food, water and toilet paper....but I think I should have put a compass or a GPS system in there.

My sense of direction is always thrown off in a snow storm!!

Thank god I have my laptop and my cell phone, though, because it really helps keep me from losing hope! Believe it or not, right now, I am actually writing this post as we are wandering in the snow, still trying to find our way to the Super 8!!

Isn't technology amazing?!

I really think we must be close now, though, in fact, I think this is a good sign that we are close to Boise, if I remember right I think I read that they built a UN memorial of some sort just outside of town.

I'll snap a picture of it for you:

That must be what that is, right??

Well, anyhoo... it shouldn't be long now and I'll have a signal on my phone and a wireless connection for my laptop so I can get this posted to my blog...I know you all will want to enjoy my little winter vacation story!

Oh...and hopefully Frank has been rescued and regained his sanity so I can give him a call and ask him to do me a little favor.

In our rush to get out the door we kinda sorta forgot about a couple of things....

Ah well, I'm sure they'll survive...and if not, I think I'll just get a cat instead!!

They are a lot less needy.

:p

Chelle B.