The "Sticky-Note Life Lessons" Offensive

Today I realized, with great horror and with deep regret, that I have no choice but to self-exile to the confines of my abode for the duration of my time on this earth. As my sticky-note says, I really do suck.

Or her…

Or even these people:

No, I am not like any of them. I am just one of those who sincerely and unknowingly offends and it is only in hindsight that I realize that I’ve even committed the offense!

Of course, by then, it’s too late. The damage is done, and there is no going back….you can never really take back even an unintended offense, no matter what you do.

For example, here are just a couple of examples of the destruction I’ve already inflicted on my fellow man just this morning.

I hope someone out there will sympathize with me and see that I am really a harmless victim of my own ignorance….

***WARNING ~ it gets ugly after this point and I assure you, this is purely satirical and a social commentary on REAL offensive people in the world. It in no way reflects the real Chelle B. I am a nice person, I promise! ***

…..It all started when I needed a haircut, so I headed down to the trendiest place in town:

The girl behind the counter was pleasant enough, and I thought that I restrained my potentially offensive self quite well when I purposefully avoided staring at the fact that she had no arms.

I mean, everyone stares at her for it, I’m sure…but I take pride in the fact that I honestly do my best to not be like every other offensive asshole out there.

I even complimented the gigantic bloody dagger tattoo on her right tit in an attempt to make her feel somewhat normal like my two-armed self!!

Everything was going fine until she said:

Ugh, if only I could invent a time machine and take back my response!!

Me ~“Chad?? OK, that sounds good….oh, wait, is Chad gay??”

Her ~ “Umm…yeah, actually he is. He is a great hairdresser. He does MY hair.”

Me again ~ “Well, I know gay guys are supposedly good at hair…but honestly, your hair sucks and anyways he probably has the “gay guy cooties”…I mean, ewww…does he even wash those nasty fingernails?? CAN’T I PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE BESIDES CHAD??!!”

Her ~ “OK bitch, if I had arms I’d punch you right now.”

OK…I know what you are thinking here…at first I, too, thought she was a little overreactive, she had to know her hair looked atrocious and I guess my somewhat-sincere tit tattoo compliment didn’t go far enough….but here’s where hindsight comes in… at the time it seemed harmless enough to speak my mind, I was just being honest…but looking back now, I admit that I must have said it a little too loudly, because everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to glare at me!

Can you imagine how humiliated I was when I realized why??

I honestly didn’t mean to offend them with my loud, outdoor-voice, I mean I didn’t realize that those ‘shhhh!! You are in the library, use your indoor-voice!!’ sort of rules apply at Super Cuts!!

Did you know this was an unwritten rule there??

Needless to say, for that minor infraction, I didn’t get a haircut but I did learn a valueable lesson:

And, lucky for me, the doctor said that the 27 scissor wounds that nasty Chad inflicted on me should actually heal quickly and I was very lucky none of them severed an artery!

After that bit of good news, I told myself that the scars should definitely be a reminder to me to use my non-offensive indoor voice at Super Cuts next time in case I lose my sticky-note pad!

Of course, before I ever saw the doctor I commited my second offense without even realizing it…

*sigh*

I happened to notice a very pregnant lady come in and sit near me, looking quite unhappy and uncomfortable.

Being the nice person that I am, I can’t take it when people are in discomfort…

Her misery was obvious through that fake smile, so naturally, I struck up a conversation with her. Everything was pleasant there at first, just like with the armless slut at Super Cuts.

Ugh! Then I just had to open my mouth and insert my foot this time.

Me ~ “Hey…good luck with your baby! Although, I do hope at least your husband is hot and the baby looks like the father…I mean, if you were lucky enough to even find some poor bastard to marry you… and if your husband is the father, that is….”

(In my defense here, I said this in my best, most quietest library indoor-voice…I mean, I am not a complete moron, my sticky-note lesson from the Super Cuts offense was still fresh in my memory!)

Her ~ “…..”

(no words at first…just a blank stare while she computed what I had just said. Between you and me, I think she was a just a little on the “I wore a helmet and rode the short bus to school” side *wink wink*, but I would never have mentioned it, of course! I am far to nice for that!!)

She wasn’t silent for long though….just imagine how completely embarrassed I was when she stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs at me that I was, and I quote, the “rudest bitch she had ever met” and topped it off with “I AM NOT EVEN PREGNANT!“

Now, whoa right there.

Though it may be true, no one but my immediate family is allowed to call me a bitch and get away with it! Yet, I instantly forgave her outburst, after all, it was my mistake for thinking she was pregnant…I can understand how my assumption offended her!

Despite my attempts, she wouldn’t take an apology from me as they drug her off in a straight jacket screaming obscenities at me so I just had to chalk it up to another lesson for the day.

Funny thing is…now that I think back on it, I could have sworn I saw this when I looked at her stomach:

I guess it was just something she ate??

Anyhoo…as you can see, it was not a good day, and it only got worse from there.

On my way home I was so distraught over my innocent yet brutally offensive mistakes and the resulting sticky-note life lessons, that I accidentally stepped on this guy and broke his yellow begging bucket:

I honestly did not see him down there on the filthy ground and I hope the wasn’t too offended when I yelled back at him, “piss off you unemployed freak!” as he crawled into traffic and cried out to me to help him pick up his pennies and nickles that spilled out into the busy street…

I’m sure if he had a life, better use of his limbs, a computer and could read this right now, he’d understand that I was just so upset over nasty Chad and the (NOT) pregnant psycho angry lady that I wasn‘t thinking straight.

Anyhoo…so as you can see, I am just not fit for society, so I am self-exiling.

I will just have to become one of those weird hermits you read about who has food drop-shipped to them or something….at least until I can get a grip on this problem of mine. I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step, right??

But hey, I’ll still have you guys to keep me company, so thanks for reading this!

I feel much better knowing that all of you semi-literate, no-life dumbasses are out there and that you care so much about me and my ‘your-problems-are-pathetic-compared-to-mine’ issues!!!

You rock.

Chelle B.

PS. Heh…I probably shouldn’t even mention this, I am almost out of sticky-notes and I don’t know if they will drop-ship me some more….but um, one of you REALLY needs a shower…ugh, I can smell you through the screen!!!!!

Oh, hehe, nevermind…it’s me!

:p