The "Your Jewish Master Revisited" Offensive

So my very favorite #1 fan wrote me an email earlier and asked me to send him pictures of myself in my camo bikini (they are on the way, *wink wink*) and also if I could please point him to my very first post.

I was so flattered but then I remembered why I took my whole "Offensive Archive" down!!

You see, The Offended Blogger started out not as a humor blog, but as a political and social commentary blog.

That's right!!

Believe it or not, I wasn't always this funny. ;)

Actually, my original goal with this blog was simply to point out just how offended and offensive our little planet was. I would scour the online newspapers daily looking for 'offenses' from all over the world, and sometimes I would find so many it made my eyes bleed!

On a good (or rather, bad) day, I would blog upwards of 20 or more bits of news articles about someone offending someone else, or someone being offended by someone else, or someone finding something offensive or.. ugh!

Exactly.

Ugh. It added up quickly, (especially the ones from right here in the good ol' US of A!) and I have probably 500+ of those types of articles in my archives but it was rather depressing after a while to see how offended and offensive the whole world was!

Then, one day I came across the story of Joey, the Cheesecake Impresario and defender of free speech and I decided instead of pointing out all of the world's offenses, I would exercise my own free speech and use my blog for a very different purpose, to bring humor to this sad, easily offended world.

So, I started making up my own offensives and started another blog, The Offended American, where I blog the way I used to here, (only not nearly as frequently and only just about America's offenses).

Of course, if you'd like, I can add my archives so you can see all the boring news offensives I posted early on, but I'll never forget my first entirely original "Offensive" that I wrote, and I thought I would share it with you, in case you haven't had the pleasure of seeing it.

Enjoy and please, don't be offended hehe!!

Hmmm... no offense, but I just can't help but wonder.. after he *ahem wink wink* "accidentally" posted his double man-crush about my guy Joey, just what sort of guy is this Your Jewish Master anyhow?

But of course thanks to Politically Correct brainwashing, I immediately stopped myself and thought whoaaa, wayyy too neo-naziish of me to even question this nice man and his unusual nickname.

I was practically goose-stepping my way into trouble with the thought police!!

I mean, is THIS what I've become??

Once I got past that ugly thought, I suddenly realized that hey, dammit, just like my man Joey, I am an English speaking American and I have rights too.

Why

can't

I

wonder??

I mean technically, he put the thought in my brain to begin with, with his nickname.

So, I started to really wonder.... can I obtain my very own Jewish Master, or is there a special law that I am unaware of??

Do I have to convert to qualify?

Is there a special place to just go buy one, and can I order him online??

Can I request that he come with special 'accessories'??

Even if I'm not a neo-nazi am I going to be in trouble for even asking this outloud?

OK so after checking with the ADL and the ACLU and learning it was still legal to ponder these things... I explored the possibilities:

Sooo...what would My Personal Jewish Master be like if I actually had one??

What an odd, yet taboo and totally tantalizing thought!!

Now, in designing MY ideal Jewish Master I had to be honest with myself and admit that I am very picky about who I allow to lord over me on any level (and I am a bit shallow too), so I had to start with his looks of course.

I mean, he didn't just *poof* appear out from under a rock, so I had to start with the early years first, his pre-Masterhood childhood.

Not like the ass-grabbing kid from The Wedding Singer, either:

I mean, MY Jewish Master would have had to have started out as what I would imagine the way freaking cool bar mitzvah kid would be like, ya know, the one the girls all stuffed their bras for and dreamed of secretly sneaking out at night for.

Yeah, something like this one:

OH. YEAH. BABY.

(Okay it's hard to see him, but you can really project a lot onto that picture...)

Now I could see this kid growing up to be not only a Jewish Master but maybe even My Jewish Master!!

He's has soooo got it goin on....hooyah!

Honestly, I had to slap myself with a cold dish rag at this point because I stared way too long at that kid and I am way too old for those sorts of thoughts (stuffing bras and sneaking out) now...I had regroup and refocus on the man he would become.

Gosh. How embarrassing!!

But, then as I was drug back into reality, by me, I was sickened by the sudden and quite scary thought that sometimes those cool kids that the girls stuff their bras and sneak out at night for grow up and turn into total geeks!

Holy crap!!

So was this the case with little grooving his ass off at his bar mitzvah without a care in the world Future Jewish Master WANNABE??

Did it end before it could ever really begin?

Could he possibly have ended up like...well, like this:

Oh, good god please say no.

Now you tell me, isn't ^^ that ^^ monstrosity far worse than any imagined grown up version of the ass-grabbing bar mitzvah kid on The Wedding Singer???

I mean there is NO FREAKING WAY IN HELL this guy could possibly expect me or anyone else for that matter to take him seriously as Our Jewish Master.

I mean isn't he the voice of Mandark on Dexter's Lab???

What was he, or I, even thinking??

Honestly!!

So, back to the 'ol drawing board.... just WHO could it be, if I had to just take a stab at any old Jewish guy (well not STAB an OLD Jewish guy, but ya know what I mean..) that I could think of off the top of my head??

Then it hit me!!

Yes, Adam Sandler!!

He didn't start off so well, did you ever see him as Theo's buddy on the Cosby Show? Not hot.

But just look at him there all growed up. That is a good picture of him and I do love his Hanukkah song. Oh yeah definitely a cool, funny, good looking, I AM THE MASTER OF MY DOMAIN look about that one.

I could definitely see that situation being viable.

But...dangit, what was I thinking? I mean, in reality he is far too busy and famous to be MY Jewish Master. Scratch another one off the list. *sigh*

Plus, since the only prototype I have to go by for the personality is THE Your Jewish Master and I know that he is a true politically conservative type, I am not so sure Hollywood is where I should be fishing, ya know? So now I am kinda picturing a more, well, rabbinical Master maybe. The UNHOLLYWOOD type.

Yeah, he definitely needs to be more Orthodox looking now. Not Old World Pharisee Orthodox, but maybe someone like this guy:

Now THAT my friend, looks like he could be THE Jewish Master of ALL Jewish Masters, doesn't he not?? I mean he just screams I AM YOUR MASTER!!!

Then again, uhhh maybe he is too loud about it, in fact, the more I look at him, the more I realize that he scares me!

Forget that.

He'd be the one who kept me chained all day naked to the radiator while he surfed porn sites and gambled our money away while at the same time totally keeping up appearances at the synagogue.

UH, NO THANKS FREAKY RABBI GUY!!

Nope, for me to allow a Master/Minion relationship to develop long term, My Jewish Master would definitely need to earn my respect and he would have to be a cooler and a more subdued shade of pious that that freaking loser.

That and a far less in-your-face with his I'm Your Jewish Master bitch, so do what I say when I say it or I will kill you and they'll never suspect it was me look!

Okayyyy....so maybe I could dig someone like this one??

Now that is one very cool and really VERY good looking potential Jewish Master. I am totally down with that whole package. He is quite fashionable, and projects a nice mixture of piousness balanced just right with a mysterious, even a Joey like mafioso aura.

Ooh la la.

I could definitely put him on the top of my list.

The whole package. I bet he makes a mean cheesesteak too. (Wait, is cheesesteak even Kosher??)

Yet... maybe I want someone even more bad ass looking and a bit more edgy!! You know, maybe a Jewish Master named Troy! Like the real YJM and his friend, Troy the Token Goy!!

I could be Troy's token Goy.

Hooyah!

Oooh... I shudder just thinking of him.... yet at the same time....

Yes, bad guys are attractive, really... hmmmm.....

No, no, no...I am going in the totally wrong direction here. I might as well go back to the first Master Rabbi Charles Manson before this one and be done with it!

Ugh.

Maybe my ideal guy is even bordering on an equally but *safe* sort of attractive and edgy look like Mr. I'm Your Jewish Godfather ones up there that I found so appealing.

Not what you'd call hot like Brad Pitt hot, but he projects that he is a Jewish Brad Pitt using a Jewish Master Jedi-ish optical illusion skill.

No rabbi hat, no menorah...he hangs in NYC at the hottest, most exclusive spots and never waits in line. He gets all the chicks and you can't quite figure out why because he really isn't hot at all.

Someone who is totally unlike what you'd expect.

Maybe someone like...

?????

Yeah?

A possible "Maybe"??

I mean, isn't he many, many people's Jewish Master already?? Why can't he be mine?

Give me one good reason, I dare you!!

Well...I can give myself one, if has to be someone like Howard Stern, I am not all that thrilled...no, he couldn't be My Jewish Master...that would be akin to Alan Colmes being My Jewish Master and they are both far too liberal and let's face it, they are just not the most attractive men no matter what they wear or where they hang.

There are wayyy too many good looking Jewish guys out there who would make better Masters than Howard, or this guy:

Blech!

The only one worse than those two that I can think of is Alan Greenspan, and not enough money in the WORLD could help me get past his fugly, or his unforgiveable history of fiscal policies.

Nope, I need someone who is good looking, a well-read real conservative, who would be comfortable at both a bar mitzvah and at a trendy pub sipping a fine liquor afterwards.

Someone who has a sense of humor, has a strong political view, and someone who likes movies and isn't afraid to speak the truth about his agenda.

Money wouldn't hurt either, if he didn't look like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons like Greenie up there!

Hey, maybe it's not about the look after all!

Maybe I could honestly go for someone like...

Yes!

Ben Stein could easily fit the bill!!! He is richer than the central banks, pretty cool really and is not only well read but is very politically conservative.

Well, I have to admit it, he really could be THE ONE! I could totally go for him, well, except for that ungodly monotone voice.

UGH!!!

All I can hear now is:

Bueller...

Bueller...










Bueller..

ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

My ears are bleeding already.

Sorry Ben...you were almost it buddy!!

I give up.

Hey, wait a minute.... maybe all hope is not lost!

That name... Ben... Benjamin... it reminds me of ANOTHER Jewish Ben whose voice and overall look I have always secretly admired and had a silly stuff-your-bra and sneak-out -at-night kinda schoolgirl crush on.

Why didn't I think of HIM first??

He is not only 110% Jewish, but he has a VERY strong political background, definitely not too pious or scary (well he is a good kind of scary I guess!), someone I could admire even if I see him cutting loose at the bar now and then...and I THINK he is a conservative.

Hell I don't know, I couldn't tell you what he's said in any of the interviews I've seen of him, I can't get past that voice...it just epitomizes a TRUE JEWISH MASTER.

I literally melt when I hear it.

Yep, he's a keeper...the one and only Jewish man who could be....

***My*** IDEAL Jewish Master!!

(Benjamin Netanyahu, ROWR!! :)

This post has it's own Jewish Master over at humor-blogs.com!