The "Greener Pastures Out West" Offensive

I truly live in paradise...well, I did...

I just love living in this part of Idaho!! I mean look at that picture, you know it makes you jealous, I mean who wouldn't love living here??

Can't you just smell the fresh air, pine cones and deer scat??

Yep, people from all over the planet pay small fortunes to spend just a few days in my backyard, pretending that they are cowboys and cowgirls, that's how great it is.

I even love it in the wintertime, it's just as beautiful here during the winter in it's own die-from-exposure-in-under-ten-minutes-wintery-wonderland sort of way:

Unfortunately.... I'm the only one at my house who loves it this time of year and this winter my perfect little happy-I-live-in-an-Idaho-postcard life came suddenly crashing down around me like never before!

I don't know how it really happened...but I blame the friggin' dogs. I knew we shouldn't have gotten dogs!!

OK, I know, that sounds harsh...but it seems like it all started the other day when our two canines decided they didn't want to live outside anymore.

I can't imagine why, the snow wasn't that deep and it's not like they are hairless chihuahuas (well, one of them is, but still!!).

Anyhoo...my nightmare began when they took to loudly voicing their opposition to all things Idaho, well at least to all things Idaho outdoors.

It went on incessantly day and night for about a week until naturally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I finally opened the door to sweetly and gently tell them they were 'just fine' out there in that tiny bit of snow we had:

But..they were both apparently Malibu Barbie's in their last lives and despite my encouragement, were still just not happy with their doggie lives here in Idaho....





Being the dog lover that I am, I sent my son out to play with them, hoping if he kept them company maybe they would stop their bitching and whining and let me get back to my jug of Jack Daniels and reruns of General Hospital!!

Of course, it wasn't long after I locked the deadbolt and forgot about all three of them, that my own progeny turned on me!!

Can you believe it?

Only six hours later, and there he was, with his little blue face pressed to the window, begging for me to either let him in or give him the keys to the car so he could warm up.


Now, I am not one of those mothers who wants my boy to grow up to be a sissy man who cries over Dr. Phil commericals like his daddy, so I tried my best to encourage him to just make the best of what mother nature had to offer him out there. I emphasised my point by pulling the curtain closed and turning up the TV.

Despite my best efforts, it was obvious that he just wasn't willing to embrace his manhood and still insisted that I let him in.

Eventually his cries for help alerted our only neighbor who called to wake me up, and I had no choice but to go help my kid get back on his feet so he could enjoy playing in the snow some more, while I went in and went back to bed.

(I'm glad I put that soundproofing up in my bedroom!!)

Anyhoo...after a few more days of the dogs and the kid whining and crying and begging to come in, I finally sobered up and realized that I was completely out of liquor. I knew I would have to leave the house anyway....so I decided that I would take everyone on a little road trip to warmer pastures way out west where the kids and dogs could get a break from the snow (and I could gamble at an Indian Casino or two along the way, hooyah!).

So, I called and made reservations for us to stay at the Super 8 a few hours away in Boise. I don't usually splurge like that, but I decided we were worth it this time.

Of course the night before our big trip, the first real storm of the year hit. Just our luck!

That next morning, we were even more determined to go, so finding the car was our first obstacle. It's a small car so it wasn't easy to find before the storm:

And as you can imagine, a good snow storm here in Idaho will leave it's mark, not to mention a black eye and a few bruises, so getting out of the house to even find the car was actually the first obstacle.

Well, after trying all the doors and windows, I crawled out through the chimney and walked out to where I thought I knew the car was, but after a couple of hours of going in circles I gave up trying to locate it and eventually just went back in and dug a tunnel to it from the front door.

Heh, luckily it's a 4 wheel drive, so I had no problem climbing my way up and out and onto the road.

Of course we were so excited to be getting away from it all, even though it was a little hard to see the road at first...

Growing up in Wyoming, I had driven in much worse conditions though, so it was no problem for me to navigate the highway in this weather, expertly steering with one hand while I simultaneously tuned the radio, put on my makeup and read a book with the other one.

I made a few cell phone calls in between doing all that, too, to let my neighbor know that we wouldn't be back for a few days and to ask him if he'd keep the sidewalk shoveled for us.

We have great neighbors like that in Idaho, you know.

I wondered why I couldn't get ahold of him, until I caught sight of a colorful blur flying past me on the road.

I had forgotten that my neighbor, Frank, was one of those people we call 'snowbirds' who live here for the good weather and head to places like New Mexico, Arizona and Tijuana for the summers. For some reason, he had been procrastinating about leaving this year, he said he'd never actually been in the snow and I kinda think he wanted to know what he was missing....but it looked like the cabin fever had finally given him the incentive to head south:

I waved at him as he flew past me, happy to see that he was finally on his way, but I don't think he noticed me at all!

That was OK, he didn't get too far before I actually caught up with him and to my surprise, found him wandering aimlessly next to the road, his sled and dogs no where to be found!

Being the good neighbor that I am, I stopped a few times and offered to help him, but he became more and more insistent that I "piss off and leave him the hell alone!!"... so eventually I just gave up and put him out of my mind.

We'd work things out when spring came, I told myself.

Yet despite his wishes, I saw him one last time along the way... and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.

It's not his fault, I mean, the snow can really mess with your mind and make you hallucinate, (and between you and me, he never was 100% stable to begin with...) so I just pretended not to notice him up there on the snow hill screaming at the top of his lungs that he was the 'King of Tijuanaville'...

Poor Frank.

I really do wish him the best, and I hope someone finds him before he dies of exposure.

Anyhoo... it turned out that I wasn't too far from insanity myself, because about five hours into the trip, the sky cleared up and the sun started shining on that crystallized, pure white blanket of snow all around me, and let me tell you, there is nothing worse than being snow blind.

Nothing.

It can really mess with your vision!

At one point, I looked out my side window and I could have sworn I saw this:

Now, I know for a fact that the Japanese tourists only come here in the spring and summertime, so it had to be a hallucination brought on by snow blindness.... or maybe something I drank!!

And, it only got worse after that.

Things really snowballed from there (no pun intended!).

I guess I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, because first we ran out of road... and then we ran out of gas and eventually ended up walking for about four days in the blinding snow!!

Lucky for us that I came prepared, though, with an emergency kit that had all the stuff we needed, like food, water and toilet paper....but I think I should have put a compass or a GPS system in there.

My sense of direction is always thrown off in a snow storm!!

Thank god I have my laptop and my cell phone, though, because it really helps keep me from losing hope! Believe it or not, right now, I am actually writing this post as we are wandering in the snow, still trying to find our way to the Super 8!!

Isn't technology amazing?!

I really think we must be close now, though, in fact, I think this is a good sign that we are close to Boise, if I remember right I think I read that they built a UN memorial of some sort just outside of town.

I'll snap a picture of it for you:

That must be what that is, right??

Well, anyhoo... it shouldn't be long now and I'll have a signal on my phone and a wireless connection for my laptop so I can get this posted to my blog...I know you all will want to enjoy my little winter vacation story!

Oh...and hopefully Frank has been rescued and regained his sanity so I can give him a call and ask him to do me a little favor.

In our rush to get out the door we kinda sorta forgot about a couple of things....

Ah well, I'm sure they'll survive...and if not, I think I'll just get a cat instead!!

They are a lot less needy.

:p

Chelle B.

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!

For this Weekender Offender, I am continuing my special series that deals with race and stereotyping.

We seem so hyper-sensitive to anyone saying anything that could be perceived as offensive nowadays, to the point where even innocent childhood sayings like 'indian giver' have practically become hate speech.

Feel free to disagree, but I personally believe it has gone a little too far, and we are creating many more problems than we are solving with all of this 'Fear of Offending'.

Still, I find it fascinating that it really isn't as taboo to make fun of your own race, heck I do it all the time! Here are some good white people jokes:

What's white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing!

What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?
Snow.

What do you call a bunch of white guys in a circle?
A Dope Ring!

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.

Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.

What did they white guy do before his blood test?
He studied.

Now you know those were funny, even if you are as white as me! OK, not really but...I love people who can laugh at themselves and allow us to laugh at them, and with them, and without fear of offending them.

Comedians have turned this an art form, so I want to spotlight some stand-up acts who allow us to do just that.

Last weekend it was Eddie Murphy making fun of his black family growing up and this week it is Carlos Mencia, poking fun at all of this political correctness in general.

Enjoy and poke fun at someone of your own race today!

The "Mr. Friday Blog Rush Inspector Guy" Offensive

Yes, folks, lightning can strike twice!!

So, in between fuming over being snubbed by Montana and interviewing Helen's breasts, I found some spare time and applied with Blog Rush, the premiere blog network. Then, after reading of their "strict, high quality standards" I just knew I was going to be turned down!!

I couldn't have felt much lower after what Montana and Google had done to me, but I still braced myself for the disappointment, knowing there was NO WAY my offensive blog could ever pass their stringent guidelines and anally-retentive inspectors!

Heh, I mean it's not like I could be so lucky that the week I decide I want in their little club they went and headhunted the very cool Mr. Sunday Blog Inspector guy from Blog Catalog, who in my imagination is something like:




No, I am definitely not that lucky! Even if he did work there now, I was being reviewed mid-week anyway, not on a Sunday, so I imagined my blog review from Blog Rush would go something more like this:




Imagine my surprise when I found my acceptance letter in my email! I knew it had to be a fluke, but then it dawned on me! Today is Friday!

I will bet you a million dollars that Mr. Friday Blog Rush inspector guy MUST have been daydreaming about the "All You Can Eat/Karaoke Binge" at the IHOP tonight and probably didn't even take the time to really read my blog before his sore-from-pushing-the-reject-button-all-week finger mindlessly hit ACCEPT for me!!

Whoo-hoo! Am I lucky or what?! My timing was perfect to coincide with his Friday IHOP daydreams!

Either that or...in their off time, he is buddies with Mr. Sunday Blog Inspector and this is what they are like in real life:



In any case, I AM IN!!!!! :)

The "Banned British Breasts Speak Out" Offensive

In an Offended Blogger exclusive, Chelle B. sits down for a candid interview with Helen's breasts.

They reveal the truth about what really happened in Christchurch that fateful night. Here is a partial transcript:

Leftit: "We weren't the real reason Helen was expelled from the casino, and we are sick of taking the bloody blame!"

Rightit: "Bloody well right! We were hardly the most offensive things she had going for her arse that night."

Leftit: "It's true! The bloody buggery press has it all wrong! Helen won't admit it, but she knows that it wasn't us, it was her atrocious body odor, that slimy green muck on her teeth and the three feet of dirty toilet paper stuck to the back of her open-toed heels that got us all kicked out of that bloody, buggery casino! "

Rightit: "Well, it was really those toe-nails that sealed our fate, doesn't she ever trim them?! I mean, bloody hell! She cut the ankles of countless customers with them from across the room before someone finally complained!!"

.....Busty English tourist Helen Simpson reckons the Christchurch Casino made a right boob by asking her to leave the premises after fellow punters found her breasts "offensive".

In September, Simpson's night of celebration at the casino turned to "humiliation" when she was told to cover her cleavage or leave.

A group gambling at a neighbouring table had complained about the amount of flesh Simpson was baring in her low-cut black evening dress.

The story of the offending breasts broke in The Press.

It became the most read story of the day on the paper's website, press. co.nz.

New Zealanders' insatiable appetite for the offending E-cups led to Simpson spending the remaining two days of her Kiwi holiday making radio and television appearances.

Faster than she could throw a button-up cardigan over her chest, the story went international, featuring in English tabloid The Daily Mail, Simpson's local newspaper in Nottingham, and on various worldwide websites.

---> Read More <---

The "The Blog Snobs Above Me" Offensive

Just who do they think they are up there in Montana??!

So, signing up with Google Analytics was the worst thing I could have ever done!

Are they even aware of the havoc that their little data collection agency wreaks on innocent bloggers like myself??

This is a snapshot of my stats for the last 2 weeks. I may end up in therapy over this one....just take a look for yourself:

Do you see what I see up there?? Notice anything slightly odd??? (Heh, well besides the fact that I visited my own blog over 100,000 times! ;).

Now you tell me, how is it that I can offend and entertain across this entire United States of America and miss Montana completely?!

Everyone loves me, (and I love PA cuz that's where Joey Vaton of Geno's Steaks is!) everyone except for Montana!!

I mean, just who do they think they are not coming to my blog??!! Honestly.

It's not like I am a nobody...I've been invited to every other state now, (not to mention countless foreign lands and Puerto Rico!), but for some reason those blog snobs in Montana think they are too good for me!

Well who needs them anyway?

Now, I know what you are thinking..."Chelle B., it is Montana. The state is full of cowboys and injuns! They don't even have internet or indoor plumbing up there!!"

Ha! If only that were true, this wouldn't sting so much!

I've been to Montana, hell, I used to live in Montana! Don't let their propaganda machine fool you...they are only 10 years behind the rest of the world in technological advancements. There have to be at least three working computers up there by now!

I mean, and just look at Wyoming, even they could reach me on their primitive, duct-taped together, 1984-top-of-the-line-model Commodore 64's, so those Montanans have no excuse.

Don't you try to make excuses for them.

Honestly, if one of them even tries to come visit me now, I am having their IP address blocked!! And I have half a mind not to pay all the back taxes I owe their sorry state!!

That's right. That will teach them to snub ME!

I feel much better now. :)

Well except I still have to figure out a way on how to get Google back for rubbing this in my face!! I don't owe them anything! :o

The "Beauty Shop Bunker Busters" Offensive

Note to self: I will never take Super Cuts for granted ever, ever again!!!!!!

..... Last year, extremists blew up 42-year-old Umm Doha's beauty parlor in west Baghdad after she did not heed their warnings to close shop.

"They didn't want a ladies salon there," she said. Two other salons were also blown up.

Umm Doha said hardline Muslims were offended by the sight of freshly made-up women leaving her salon, including brides heading to their weddings — even though they were conservatively veiled while outside.

Days after her small shop was destroyed, she converted a room in her home into an underground salon. She said she had no choice: Her husband's low-paying clerk's job does not pay enough to keep food on the table for their three children.

---> Read More <---

The "How I Blogged My Way to Billions!!" Offensive

I'm going to let you in on a little secret....

(Yes, that's me ~ on FORTUNE MAGAZINE!)

OK, I'm sure that some of you out there wonder just where it is that I find the time to promote and run my blog, produce top-quality, highly inspirational posts each day and still afford to pay my hired staff of maids, butlers, toe-nail polishers and leg-waxers???

Well, I decided it was not fair to keep the secret to myself, after all, I am so rich now it doesn't matter who knows, so it is time to let a few of you lucky bloggers in on the key to blogging yourself rich, like me!!

Yes... I know what you're thinking, "But, Chelle B., I already have a billion advertisements spread across 27 columns all over my blog, as well as a bikini girl avatar at every social networking place on the net...and it isn't working!!!"

Everyone is doing it this way, so of course it doesn't work!!

You need your own hook, and a little underhanded ingenuity. Take it from me, my method is way better and will get you results much faster! I've only been blogging for 6 weeks and I'm on the cover of FORTUNE already!

What magazine covers have YOU been on this week??

My method is so simple and so ingenious, you will be asking yourself how you didn't think of it already! All you need are a few ad-free blogs that appeal to the masses. (I find that the gullible and bleeding-heart masses pay off the best. ;)

Take my first blog: "I HEART HEARTING".

(you can find it at http://www.ihearthearting.com/ .)

You've never heard of it? Well it is a huge hit with the scrap-bookers, retirement home biddies and kindergarten teachers around the world. You definitely want blogs that appeal to those types of masses! They are like putty in your hands!

All I do is ask that they send in their little hand-made post cards with their "Bestest Hearty Hearts" and I, in turn, scan them in and post their cute little creations on my blog. Pretty easy, huh?? I even have an imported employee who does all the scanning for me, so it really takes no effort on my part!

Here are just a random handful of the thousands of sweet, adorable "hearty hearts" I get each day:

To get them even more giddy over it, I even tell them to "seal them with a kiss" before they mail them, and most of them do, isn't that just so very bunny loving fun?! Warms your heart, doesn't it?

So....my rabid, die-hard "hearty heart" fans send them in by the truckloads, I post them, and it makes them so deliriously happy when they see their fluffy creations on my blog that they send more, and tell their friends, who send even more, and then they all host scrapping parties in my honor and make even more to send....it is a veritable non-stop "hearty heart" orgy, I tell ya!!

(Now what they don't know or even suspect is that right after I post them, I turn their pathetic little "hearty hearts" into solid gold and let me tell you, it sure warms MY hearty heart! Don't worry, I'll get to that in a minute. :)

Now the second heart-warming blog that I run is actually part of an entire website, aptly called: "DON'T LET YOUR NEIGHBORS DIE!"

(You can check this one out at http://www.dontletyourneighborsdie.com/ )

This one is even more popular, I mean the title alone insures that people will come back!! You have to have a title that reaches out and grabs them, remember that.

At "DON'T LET YOUR NEIGHBORS DIE!", my visitors are oh-so easily swayed into sending vials of their blood for my virtually real "Virtual Neighborhood Blood Bank.

The website isn't all that special, just a few pictures and a mailing address...but it's the blog that reels them in. The blog makes it personal!

It is there that I post incredibly heart wrenching tales of children, and old people, and cat owners, and scrap-bookers who are lying in hospital beds around the world, helplessly straddling the line between life and death... and then I sprinkle in inspirational follow-up stories of last-minute hope and miraculous survival.

Yes, you guessed it. My visitors ship me their blood by the truckload! (Liquid gold, as I like to call it!)

Now here is where my 3rd and pivotal blog comes in:

Pretty dull and boring looking, huh?

I mean would you stop for more than a half-second on that one? Of course not, and neither would I!!!

Why not? It's simple, we aren't criminals!!! Why would we care to read that boring, non-eye-catching blog?

That, my blogging friend, is the beauty of it!! The only people who would read such a mind-numbing blog are, well....criminals!! My target audience.

Since no one but them would ever read past page one, at the top of page two there is a link that takes you to my real money-maker. This is where the entire scheme comes together just beautifully!!

It is there, in my virtual storefront, where I sell various items tailored specifically for shady characters who enjoy reading blogs and also partaking in a *wink wink* little anarchy and mayhem once in awhile... and who would pay top $$ to avoid being caught!!!

A few key items, derived from generous donations from my other blogs, can help with that!!

For instance, leaving some other total stranger's blood at a crime scene really throws off an investigation and can be enough to produce reasonable doubt at a trial...and naturally, two other stranger's blood is even better insurance!!

Those little vials of "liquid gold" that pour in from my do-gooders over at "DON'T LET YOUR NEIGHBOR DIE!" come in QUITE handy for that very occassion and fetch quite a bit of cha-ching:

Of course, I know what you are thinking. Don't worry, I watch CSI just like you do, so we both know that it's not just blood evidence that gets you convicted and put on death row, right!??

Ha! That's the beauty of the "I HEART HEARTING" blog!! All those lovely little heart-filled post cards that pour into my PO box day after day after day....are just crawling with unknown DNA and fingerprints!!

The DNA kit that I make from them is my best seller!!

And, as a bonus, because of the cheap Walmart scrap-booking materials most of the hapless "hearty heart" crafters use, I am able to strip the decorations off most of the cards and 'recycle' them, providing another highly demanded and quite valuable service:

So, as you can see, it has worked out well for me to blog my way to riches and with a little creativity you can make it work for you, too! I've only been doing this for 6 weeks, and look at where it's gotten me already!!

Good luck, don't tell anyone you learned it from me and hey, maybe I'll catch you in Tahiti for a drink sometime!!!

Chelle B.

:)

Oh.... one last thing...for those of you who have a genius-level-bordering-on-criminal mind like myself, I know exactly what you are wondering.

Yes, I do have a fourth blog, and it yes it does provide me with my 2nd best selling keep-you-from-death-row DNA-kit item:

I don't have to tell you how that one works, now do I?!! ;)

The "Naw, Man, I'm Jiggy With The Jews" Offensive

In an exclusive interview with The Offended Blogger, Will Smith released this statement today:

.....The former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was criticized by the Jewish Defense League for a statement he made when he said, "Even Hitler didn't wake up going, 'let me do the most evil thing I can do today.' I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backward logic, he set out to do what he thought was 'good.'"

The league had labeled the comments "ignorant, detestable, and offensive." They also said that Smith had "spit on the memory of every person murdered by the Nazis. His disgusting words stick a knife in the back of every veteran who fought (and sometimes died) to save the world from the intentions of Adolf Hitler." They also want Smith's new film, I Am Legend, pulled from theaters.

---> Read More <---

The "Hillbilly Sum-Bitches" Offensive

This one is dedicated to all of you bare-footed, hill-stomping, gapped-toothed, sister-marrying, non-showering, liquored-up sum-bitches.

God Bless each and every one of you!!!

You are what makes America great (and what made me feel somewhat normal as a child!)

The "Deeply Offended Turkey" Offensive

For some odd reason, this is the mental image I get when I read this article:

..... For many Christians, utterly expelling Turkey from Europe has been an age-old dream. This kind of ‘idee fixe’ is very dangerous and can lead to tragic events. A very clear example of this is Hitler, who in addition to wreaking havoc around the world, also devastated his own country, Germany.

An offended Turkey, a deeply offended Turkey, turning its back on Europe, could cost the bloc trillions of dollars and cause unbelievable clashes. I could spell out other scenarios which would make Sarkozy’s hair stand on end …

---> Read More <---

The "My Christmas Charity Lesson" Offensive

Donating to charity this Christmas changed my life!!

You know those ads you always see, with the sad little children digging through trash heaps in third-world slums, just begging you with their big pleading eyes to "send them just 30 cents a day so that they can have clean water, food and a flu shot"?

Ugh.

Yep, I hate those, too!

Who needs that sort of guilt trip?? I hate feeling guilty!!!

Well, anyhoo... after meeting with my tax guy and learning of the real benefits to donating to charity, this spring I decided maybe it was time to shrug off my selfish attitude about it, and let me tell you.... it literally changed my life!





The hard part was deciding on which charity to give 30 cents a day to!!

They had to be worthy and prove to me that they weren't going to squander my donations on frivolous items for the children I was sponsoring, like education or something!

Honestly!

Just who would you and I import to do our lawns, wash our windows, raise our children and give us pedicures if we didn't keep some third-world people desperate and illiterate on this planet??

Well, anyhow, I had to put that out of my head as I told myself that I could live with just saving just one of them, but who to save?? Which charity was worthy of me and my 30 cents a day??

Well, I got my answer and fate smiled upon me when this came in my email:

Now I don't usually click open email links, I learned my lesson on that business once when I opened up a website that was nothing more than a naked-flesh-of-all-kinds freak show. I spent three whole days locked in my room learning about various fetishes involving all sorts of inanimate objects!!

Ugh!! I swore I'd never do that again...

But this one was different, somehow...something about it cried out to me "Get your checkbook out, Chelle, this is THE ONE!"

It is run by an organization called The National Association for the Advancement of Edible Creatures.

They opened my eyes to innumerable horrors happening every day around this country of ours!! Far worse than I imagined:

***Warning - not for those who recently ate!!***

Ugh. I know!!

Can you believe it? I mean, did you know that is how we get our food??!!

Well, after a visit to their site, I knew that I could never look at my dinner the same way again!

So after I sent them my first 15 cent check (Well, heh, you know, I prorated it since I opened the email at noon...), I decided I would no longer support the various meat mafias operating around this country.

That's right. I made up my mind right then and there that I would just have to hunt my own food from that moment on!

When I told my husband, he seemed very supportive!!

He is an avid bow hunter, and often takes month-long trips to remote regions and has a whole room full of exotic, endangered and extinct animal trophies to show for it.

It is quite the collection!!

He comes from a long line of prolific hunters, and the talent runs deep in his genetic pool so it isn't surprising, really. His great-grandmother was a world champion prairie dog hunter:

His grandpa was a world champion buffalo hunter back in the day, too:

He even has an uncle who holds the current world record for trophy fish hunting!!

No, seriously, those pictures were not Photo-shopped!

So, as you can see, I was definitely in luck, having married into this bloodline. :)

My sweet, endangered-animal slaying hubby even volunteered to take me shopping for the gear I needed... although... it was pretty obvious right away that we had different ideas for what clothing was suitable for me to go hunting in...his idea of camo for me seemed a little different than what I had in mind:

But after my crying, and screaming, and throwing a fit at the store, he finally stormed off to wait in the car and let me have my way. I eventually chose this gorgeous ensemble:

Isn't that tres chic? Oh! Haha...duh! You probably can't even see me there, can you?! Well that's the point, I guess!! :)

Well anyhoo....to make a long story short, after some more crying and fit-throwing, we found just the right bow for me, and he took me to the range where I shot a couple arrows and ducked just in time to miss a few that he misshot my way.

We had to go back a few times so I could practice shooting and ducking, but once I could actually hit within three feet of the target, we were off for our very first hunting expedition that next morning!

It was soooo exciting!! I had never done anything like it before.

And, unfortunately, I never will again (at least not legally). My privileges were rather unfairly stripped away from me by the state of Idaho that very first day, can you believe it?!?!

Ok.... I admit that maybe I needed just a little more experience and, yes, just maybe my judgment and eyesight aren't as good as they should be, but it really wasn't entirely my fault!

I mean, I can't help that the poor melon-headed bastard that I mistook for food decided to go hunting the same day I did and happened to walk right past me making moose calls!!

You tell me... what kind of complete idiot walks through the forest, looking like that and sounding like a moose??!!

He needed to be shot if you ask me...

The trial is over, so I can share the crime scene photos with you all:

*** Warning again - not for those who have weak stomachs! ***

(It was a good shot, though, wasn't it?? I think so!)

The doctors said he should be able to speak normally in a few years. But between you and me, I think that he really needs to find a new hobby or do something about that big head of his, or else accidents like this will just keep happening to him!!

I know what you're thinking...."screw that idiot, what about YOU Chelle B.??!! Are YOU alright??" Heh, well thank you for your support but don't you worry about me. I had a fabulous team of lawyers, a shady judge and I didn't even serve a day in jail!

I did lose my hunting privileges though, so that sucks. :(

Anyhoo....so I just decided to give up meat altogether. It is just not worth the stress of going to trial (or the financial burden of paying off judges)!!

It all worked out for the better though, I am now a proud, militant vegetarian, and I must say...this new lifestyle choice has been amazing! I mean, it feels soooo good and guilt-free to no longer put animal flesh into my body....and just look at the new me, wouldn't you say that the vegetarian lifestyle was a good choice?

*** Last Warning - oh, forget it! ***

YES, I KNOW. I AM WAY HOT NOW!!!

And I owe all of it to my tax guy, the NAAEC and that big-headed bastard that I shot. Well, and the judge I paid off, too, I suppose.

Oh well, hey, take it from me, you really should think about finding your own charity, too, it could really change your life like it did mine!!!

Merry Christmas!

Chelle B.

:)

The "Dear Santa," Offensive

Dear Santa,

I know I am probably wasting my time writing to you, because you probably aren't really real...but just in case, I have a few requests.

First, please take my name off of your naughty list. You know me better than that!! Of all people, you know half of the crap I post here is not the REAL me. So what if it lives somewhere deep within my twisted subconscious and surfaces here, does the conscious me have to pay the price for it??!!

Second, please send me some sort of subliminal messaging machine so that when people come to my blog they not only stay and read a few posts and leave incredibly flattering comments, but I want it to also make them mindlessly leave my page up for hours or even days in a separate window on their computer so my Google Analysis stats look really good!!!

Third, and last of all, please don't get offended that I tell everyone that you are really the devil.

You and I both know it is true.

It is not my fault that people are too blinded by your disguise and a little too illiterate to realize that Santa is an anagram for Satan. You know that I have a hard time with illiteracy in general!!

It is nothing personal, really. I'm sure most of them have no idea what an anagram is, and would never take the time to Google it...and those that think they do know probably are mistaken anyway and think that I am saying that you are an antonym of Satan.

So it works out well for you anyway!

Well, I guess that's it.

Thanks Satan...er, Santa!!!!

Chelle B.

The "Sticky-Note Life Lessons" Offensive

I’m never leaving my house ever again…

Today I realized, with great horror and with deep regret, that I have no choice but to self-exile to the confines of my abode for the duration of my time on this earth. As my sticky-note says, I really do suck.

What would cause me to feel this way and take such drastic actions, you ask?

Well, I am embarrassed to admit it, but the answer is simple. I am just way too offensive to be out in the general population!!!

I know what you are thinking...."Chelle B., you should know better!!"

Hey, you don't have to lecture me...I agree!!

Of all people, I should be on my best, most non-offensive behavior at all times - after all, I am The Offended Blogger.

Please don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I try to be offensive or go out of my way to offend…not at all!

I am in no way like this guy:

Or her…

Or even these people:

No, I am not like any of them. I am just one of those who sincerely and unknowingly offends and it is only in hindsight that I realize that I’ve even committed the offense!

Of course, by then, it’s too late. The damage is done, and there is no going back….you can never really take back even an unintended offense, no matter what you do.

For example, here are just a couple of examples of the destruction I’ve already inflicted on my fellow man just this morning.

I hope someone out there will sympathize with me and see that I am really a harmless victim of my own ignorance….

***WARNING ~ it gets ugly after this point and I assure you, this is purely satirical and a social commentary on REAL offensive people in the world. It in no way reflects the real Chelle B. I am a nice person, I promise! ***

.....It all started when I needed a haircut, so I headed down to the trendiest place in town:

The girl behind the counter was pleasant enough, and I thought that I restrained my potentially offensive self quite well when I purposefully avoided staring at the fact that she had no arms.

I mean, everyone stares at her for it, I’m sure…but I take pride in the fact that I honestly do my best to not be like every other offensive asshole out there.

I even complimented the gigantic bloody dagger tattoo on her right tit in an attempt to make her feel somewhat normal like my two-armed self!!

Everything was going fine until she said:

Ugh, if only I could invent a time machine and take back my response!!

Me ~“Chad?? OK, that sounds good….oh, wait, is Chad gay??"

Her ~ "Umm...yeah, actually he is. He is a great hairdresser. He does MY hair."

Me again ~ "Well, I know gay guys are supposedly good at hair...but honestly, your hair sucks and anyways he probably has the "gay guy cooties"…I mean, ewww...does he even wash those nasty fingernails?? CAN'T I PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE BESIDES CHAD??!!”

Her ~ "OK bitch, if I had arms I'd punch you right now."

OK...I know what you are thinking here...at first I, too, thought she was a little overreactive, she had to know her hair looked atrocious and I guess my somewhat-sincere tit tattoo compliment didn't go far enough....but here's where hindsight comes in... at the time it seemed harmless enough to speak my mind, I was just being honest...but looking back now, I admit that I must have said it a little too loudly, because everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to glare at me!

Can you imagine how humiliated I was when I realized why??

I honestly didn’t mean to offend them with my loud, outdoor-voice, I mean I didn’t realize that those ‘shhhh!! You are in the library, use your indoor-voice!!’ sort of rules apply at Super Cuts!!

Did you know this was an unwritten rule there??

Needless to say, for that minor infraction, I didn’t get a haircut but I did learn a valueable lesson:

And, lucky for me, the doctor said that the 27 scissor wounds that nasty Chad inflicted on me should actually heal quickly and I was very lucky none of them severed an artery!

After that bit of good news, I told myself that the scars should definitely be a reminder to me to use my non-offensive indoor voice at Super Cuts next time in case I lose my sticky-note pad!

Of course, before I ever saw the doctor I commited my second offense without even realizing it...

*sigh*

I happened to notice a very pregnant lady come in and sit near me, looking quite unhappy and uncomfortable.

Being the nice person that I am, I can’t take it when people are in discomfort...

Her misery was obvious through that fake smile, so naturally, I struck up a conversation with her. Everything was pleasant there at first, just like with the armless slut at Super Cuts.

Ugh! Then I just had to open my mouth and insert my foot this time.

Me ~ “Hey...good luck with your baby! Although, I do hope at least your husband is hot and the baby looks like the father…I mean, if you were lucky enough to even find some poor bastard to marry you... and if your husband is the father, that is...."

(In my defense here, I said this in my best, most quietest library indoor-voice…I mean, I am not a complete moron, my sticky-note lesson from the Super Cuts offense was still fresh in my memory!)

Her ~ "....."

(no words at first...just a blank stare while she computed what I had just said. Between you and me, I think she was a just a little on the "I wore a helmet and rode the short bus to school" side *wink wink*, but I would never have mentioned it, of course! I am far to nice for that!!)

She wasn't silent for long though....just imagine how completely embarrassed I was when she stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs at me that I was, and I quote, the "rudest bitch she had ever met" and topped it off with "I AM NOT EVEN PREGNANT!"

Now, whoa right there.

Though it may be true, no one but my immediate family is allowed to call me a bitch and get away with it! Yet, I instantly forgave her outburst, after all, it was my mistake for thinking she was pregnant...I can understand how my assumption offended her!

Despite my attempts, she wouldn't take an apology from me as they drug her off in a straight jacket screaming obscenities at me so I just had to chalk it up to another lesson for the day.

Funny thing is...now that I think back on it, I could have sworn I saw this when I looked at her stomach:

I guess it was just something she ate??

Anyhoo...as you can see, it was not a good day, and it only got worse from there.

On my way home I was so distraught over my innocent yet brutally offensive mistakes and the resulting sticky-note life lessons, that I accidentally stepped on this guy and broke his yellow begging bucket:

I honestly did not see him down there on the filthy ground and I hope the wasn’t too offended when I yelled back at him, "piss off you unemployed freak!" as he crawled into traffic and cried out to me to help him pick up his pennies and nickles that spilled out into the busy street…

I'm sure if he had a life, better use of his limbs, a computer and could read this right now, he'd understand that I was just so upset over nasty Chad and the (NOT) pregnant psycho angry lady that I wasn‘t thinking straight.

Anyhoo…so as you can see, I am just not fit for society, so I am self-exiling.

I will just have to become one of those weird hermits you read about who has food drop-shipped to them or something….at least until I can get a grip on this problem of mine. I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step, right??

But hey, I'll still have you guys to keep me company, so thanks for reading this!

I feel much better knowing that all of you semi-literate, no-life dumbasses are out there and that you care so much about me and my 'your-problems-are-pathetic-compared-to-mine' issues!!!

You rock. :)

Chelle B.

PS. Heh...I probably shouldn't even mention this, I am almost out of sticky-notes and I don't know if they will drop-ship me some more....but um, one of you REALLY needs a shower…ugh, I can smell you through the screen!!!!!

Oh, hehe, nevermind...it's me!

:p

The "Not ALL Dogs Are Allowed" Offensive

..... The miscue apparently occurred when the city commissioned a local artist to make a new sign for the dog park entrance. It is somewhat unclear why, but the words "small dog" were etched into the welcome message on it by mistake.

"It's quite a beautiful sign; it really is," Reiblich said. "We think it probably means it's a small park, not that it's for small dogs."

In any event, plans were made to quickly slap some duct tape over the "sm" in the offending word, leaving only the "all" — and earning the approval of just about everyone.

But the parks people decided to take no chances, and by midday Friday, the new sign was completely bundled and roped in tarp. While it awaits the needed spelling change, paper fliers pasted all over inform the pooches and their people in no uncertain terms:

"The Jacobs Dog recreation is open to ALL dogs regardless of race, breed, color or SIZE!" (SIZE is underlined, too, just in case.)

---> Read More <---

Um...aren't they forgetting something here?? This would never fly if it were non-canines.

I'd be demanding to know if they are planning on building a separate park for the gay dogs???

The "Honest Irish Basket Case" Offensive

..... THE RTE programme High Society wasn't the only one to have its knuckles rapped this week. Prime Time had to issue a grovelling apology for allowing panellists on a programme aired some months ago to use the term 'basket case'.

The Broadcasting Complaints Commission said: "The context in which the term 'basket case' was used could be considered to stigmatise people with mental illness and therefore was likely to cause offence."

And I have to admit that as a person with a self-confessed mental illness, I was rather offended myself. I mean 'basket case'? A tad dated, surely.

But I wasn't offended enough to write in and complain about it. God knows, if every time I heard mental illness referred to in a derogatory manner and got upset about it, I'd go mad -- and perhaps even end up a basket case myself!

<--- Read More --->

Add crazy people to your list of people you can't offend...what is this world coming to?? WHO IS LEFT, I ASK??

And is a "self-confessed" mental illness the same as a "The-Head-of-Bellevue's-Psychiatric-Hospital-diagnosed" mental illness??

If so, I think I'll start using the former description ~ it is much easier to say.

The "Get An F-ing Clue" Offensive

Remember the good old days??

I was feeling nostalgic today, remembering back on my pre-Offended Blogger childhood.

You see, I was lucky to grow up during that wonderful, magical era that existed once upon a time just after Mary Poppins and just before the plague of political correctness infected our minds and effectively castrated our culture:

It was a great time. The Frito Bandito was still on TV, we could make fun of other races openly, and women knew they still weren't as good as men.

During those carefree days, one of my all time favorite games was CLUE!!

Do you remember this guy, the VICTIM? Who was he?? Hell, I don't know.

It was a frigging awesome game though. Gosh how I enjoyed sitting around the table in my PJ's, hanging with my friends and siblings, killing time playing CLUE. We solved an untold number of incredibly violent crimes that were perpetrated by rich eccentrics, gold-digging sluts or overweight elderly matrons....remember these guys??

Oh, and how I loved and admired the way they bypassed the classier and mostly bloodless methods of murder!! No cyanide poison in the grape juice, no strangling with a pair of silk pantyhose, no drownings in the claw-foot bathtub. Oh no, no, noooo....these homicidal maniac childhood heroes of mine knew how to do it right!! They always had the coolest weapons:

Yes, it was the good old days, for sure....Mr. Green in the Library with the lead pipe. Mrs. White in the kitchen with the candlestick. Colonel Mustard in the Ballroom with the revolver.

Oh, the unending combinations of senseless mayhem!!

Blood and death every way, in every room and everyone was suspect.

God I miss it!

Well...I would except for the fact that my oldest brother was the type who always took games way too seriously, and of course he usually won.

(You probably had one of these in your family, too. I think we all did, weren't they just frigging annoying??!)

It got to the point with my brother where no one would play Monopoly, Battleship or even checkers with him because not only did he usually win, but he was in-your-face-I-am-the-man for hours, and sometimes days, after a victory.

Ugh!!! I hated that.

So... we usually avoided playing most games with him, but he didn't care as long as we still played CLUE. He REALLY loved CLUE...he'd play 12 or 15 times a day if he could bribe us into playing with him. I made a small fortune off of him from that time period.

It actually funded my fat retirement account!!

Yet now that I look back.... I think maybe it was a mistake on my part that I indulged him so often, and maybe he was possibly just a little too much into CLUE.

I realized it was a possibility today as I was looking through an old photo album and found this picture of him fingerpainting:

Yep, that's him. Scary, huh? I mean, the red flags were all there, but what the hell did we know back then??

My parents thought it was kinda cute when he finger painted that ^^ REDRUM/MURDER saying all over his wall.... with the cat's blood.

They simply patted him on the head, buried the cat and drove him down to the animal shelter to replace it. They were good parents, really, for that era.

Yes, I admit, they were a bit naive but come on, it's not like we had Oprah or Dr. Phil back then....nor did we know about Jeffrey Dahmer and the whole "if they kill pets at age 8..." thing...

...but hey, despite a rough start...he eventually gave up CLUE and he grew up just fine! (Can't really say the same for the 97 cats we went through.)

Anyhoo..I am proud to say that ever since my Father's unusual disappearance in 1975 he's never been caught cooking OR selling meth out of my Mom's basement in all this time! He never even blew up the house and let me tell ya, he had several close calls, but he's pretty smart and all in all I'd say he grew up to be quite a success, really!! He's even held several low-paying jobs off and on over the last 30+ years, like this one:

Yep he rocks. A great role model for my teenage boys.

Weeelllll, that is until recently....it's quite sad actually, none of us could have predicted how far and how fast he would have fallen.

I blame myself, really.

Things kinda took a bad turn for him after I sent him this CLUE CD-Rom game for Christmas last year:

I mean, how was I to know that it may have triggered something deep within his troubled psyche??

Who could have guessed that my mild-mannered, rarely seen in the daylight, meth-head brother would emerge through the door of my Mom's musty basement as this raving lunatic???

OK, just between you and me, even if I did know, I can't be held responsible for the murderous rampage that he went on following his 3 week CLUE/meth/case of Rockstar binge.....can I??!!

I mean, somehow we had to get him out of that basement so we could bring in the exterminators and a cleaning crew....it was a fire hazard and I thought it was the only way.

Just in case, I think I'll take an early retirement and head to Aruba. I'll definitely be safe there if they ever want to try to make me an accessory or something...

I'll keep the same e-mail, so hey, let's keep in touch, k??

:)

The "I'm Offended Too!" Offensive

I've Been Thinking...

Ever since I posted about the "Drunken Sioux" mascot for the UND, I've actually had an epiphany of sorts.

I am here to say that I have grown to understand and sympathize with the Native Americans who are so deeply offended and educationally afflicted by the degrading and racist logos & mascots defacing various educational campuses across our nation.

I am not Native American, at least not that I am aware of, my one grandmother was quite the player hehe...but their plight has opened my eyes up to the blatant attacks against MY people that are being launched daily on just as many, if not more, campuses across this great nation.

I am in the process of forming a Coalition of Angry Caucasians, if you are interested in joining. Together we can put an end to these injustices and hopefully get great exposure for our blogs on CNN, MSNBC and FOX NEWS to boot!

(There will be steep membership fees involved, I can assure you, but believe me, they will be put to good use in defending our people and paying off my credit cards!)

I'm compiling a list of offenders now, but to show you and the world just how insensitive, bigoted and degrading these offenses are, the following is a small sampling of the infractions that I have already found. It took me all of about 3 minutes on Google!!

***warning ~ not for the children!!***

May God have mercy on their souls when my team of lawyers are through with these bastards....

(Actually this one ^^ isn't too bad ~ it has a way freaking cool design!!)

And last but not least, the biggest offender of all...I need not even MENTION their name:

(There will be a PayPal button in my sidebar soon for future members! ;)

The "Six Levels of PC Hell" Offensive

I've devised a system to catagorize the PC'ers:

I got the idea from this article on "The 5 levels of Political Awareness"...

..... How many times have you tried to have an intelligent political conversation with a friend, fellow worker or family member only to discover that two of you are talking on completely different levels?

What starts off as a well intended interaction quickly devolves into a struggle to avoid insult or seriously offend. As a way to calculate where you and yours stand, the following are general definitions for the five levels of political awareness.

---> Read More <---

The "Last Temptation of Santa" Offensive

"eli eli lema sabachthani??"

..... Santa's keeping watch over a West Bremerton neighborhood in a way that has some offended and everyone else at least a bit curious about the motive.

In the front yard of a house on the 300 block of Olympic Avenue stands a crucifix about 15-feet tall, bearing Santa Claus in place of Jesus.

Jake Tally of Bremerton walked by the display Friday and chuckled, but didn't pretend to understand the message.

"I don't really know what to think. I know it's about God but Santa has nothing to do with it," he said.

---> Read More <---

Uhhh...I don't think it takes a GED to figure this one out.

The "What Do You Do WIth A Drunken Indian" Offensive

Here we go again.

I mean, it's not like the UND nickname is the "Drunken Sioux" and this guy is their mascot...although that would be kind of funny, really.

..... David Gipp, president of United Tribes Technical College in Bismarck, said the nickname and logo cause problems for Indian students at UND. Gipp is a member of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe.

“Regardless of their tribal background or their views on the subject, students who attend UND are invariably drawn into situations that range from inappropriate to uncomfortable to racially charged,” Gipp said in a letter submitted to board members.

Phil St. John, of Mandan, who attended the board’s meeting to speak about the nickname, said its offensiveness to many Indians should be reason enough to drop it. He said he was a member of the Sisseton-Wahpeton Sioux tribe.

“If I got up and started talking about white culture, American culture, and I offended the lady over there, and the man sitting over there, if they came up and told me, ‘I was offended by what you said,’ you know something, I would never say that again,” St. John said. “The fact is, I hurt two individuals.”

“This climate deprives Indian students of the expectation of a peaceful educational environment conducive to learning,” Gipp’s letter said.

---> Read More <---

Call me insensitive, but for some reason, I have a REALLY hard time believing that Indian students are "deprived of a peaceful educational environment" because the nickname of the UND is the "Fighting Sioux".

Please.

The "Holy Mother Load of Offenses" Offensive

My head is spinning, there were NO LESS THAN SIXTY (Yes ~ 60!) variations of the word offend in this one article!!

Ha ha leave it to a website called "Virtue Online" to provide me with The Holy Mother Load of all Offenses!

..... Christians must not only contend for the preservation and protection of free speech -- essential for the cause of the Gospel -- we must also make certain that we do not fall into the trap of claiming offendedness for ourselves. We must not claim a right not to be offended, even as we must insist that there is no such right and that the social construction of such a right will mean the death of individual liberty, free speech, and the free exchange of ideas.

Once we begin playing the game of offendedness, there is no end to the matter. There simply is no right not to be offended, and we should be offended by the very notion that such a right could exist.

---> Read More <---

I think I need to go lie down now and put a cold rag on my forehead...maybe say
a prayer for this writer....

The "Nazi Head-Butt" Offensive

Now this is one majorly offended dummkopf!

(Oh, and the guy in the article below is one, as well!)

..... The attacker confronted the 54-year-old American for speaking in English with a woman at a McDonald's restaurant in Gelsenkirchen, in the industrial Ruhr region, police said.

The man demanded to know why the two were not speaking German. The woman said her friend did not speak German well, and the American asked, "What's your problem?"

Police said the assailant then said: "We are in Germany. German is spoken here," before shouting "Heil Hitler" and raising his right arm. The Hitler salute is illegal in Germany.

The American, who was not identified, threatened to call police. As he reached for his cell phone, police said, the stranger head-butted him, and he fell to the floor. The assailant then repeatedly kicked his left ankle.

---> Read More <---

The "Paddy Power's Man Boobs" Offensive

Well, first of all this is hardly indecent compared to many things allowed in the UK...and second, I'm offended that they can't be original.

They stole the idea for their ad campaign from my "Must See TV Ads" post! (Which, by the way are hilarious in case you missed them!)

I think it's even the same guy from that commercial.

.....London Underground has banned an ad campaign by bookmaker Paddy Power that features a man who appears to be breastfeeding a baby.

The poster ad, one of three that promotes the company's new online bingo business, has been banned by LU operator Transport for London's compliance committee.

A spokesman for Paddy Power said that the poster, which uses the strapline "Where have all the women gone?", was banned on the grounds that it had the "potential to offend public decency".

The Irish bookmaker will now invest more money into other media where the ads are running, such as 48-sheet and six-sheet posters and national and regional press.

"We are completely astonished by the reaction of the London Underground to our advert," said the spokesman. "Fun is central to the Paddy Power brand and we strive to communicate this in all of our advertising."

It is not the first time that the company has run into problems with its advertising.

---> Read More <---

The "Radical Islam Wants You" Offensive

As you read the following article, here are some things to ponder:

• Should their free speech be limited in this case??
• Were they crossing the line into hate speech?
• Are they exaggerating the truth?
• Are they inciting violence??
  

Hey, guess what?

Radical Islam Wants You Dead.

That's what.

..... Florida's attorney general could be undercutting the First Amendment rights he claims to champion.

It started after some University of Florida student groups -- Young Republicans joined by Jewish and pro-Israel organizations -- promoted a movie called "Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against the West."

The movie shows Islamic radicals as they teach children to admire suicide bombers and the like. Posters for the film made the point clear."Radical Islam wants you dead," they said.

UF Vice President for Student Affairs Patricia Telles-Irvin decided those posters had offended Muslims on campus.

Well, Muslims who aren't preaching hatred of all that is Western shouldn't feel offended. The movie isn't about them. They should understand that.

---> Read More <---

The "George Carlin's 7 Dirty Words" Offensive

* ~ RIP George Carlin, You Were My Hero!! ~ *

The Awesome BlogCatalog Inspector Guy Offensive

Whoo hoo!

Holy crap I can't believe after being turned away by numerous other blogsnob directories that the poor bastard who is in on a Sunday to inspect hopefuls like myself for BlogCatalog actually accepted me!!!

.

You and I both know if it was the Tuesday or Thursday guys, I'd never have been let in...those guys have major sticks up their colons and couldn't possibly see the humor in my choosing a Personal Jewish Master. But the Sunday guy is way cooler, totally laid back, and doesn't really care who you offend ~ apparently he doesn't get offended easily either!!

...

Yet as great as this is...my happiness is somewhat dulled by the thought of 'the others' before him who have come to my blog and found it unworthy.

..

It really pisses me off to know those Mr. Tuesday and Mr. Thursday BlogSnob types just assume that because I am in Idaho and I run a blog with the word "offend" tied to it, and that I like banned Bugs Bunny cartoons and off-color Irish sitcoms that I must automatically belong to The Idaho Chapter of the Legions of Proud White Bloggers or something!

. .

Let me state for the record that I am friends with at least one person of every race and I am not even remotely within driving distance to that particular supremist meeting hall:

So a big thank you to WHOEVER YOU ARE YOU AWESOME SUNDAY BLOG CATALOG INSPECTOR GUY who came to my blog and found me worthy even though I am on the same map as the skinheads!!

.

I hope they pay you well to come in on a Sunday and read crap like mine.....oh, and thank the albino gods that you can't see my nav bar right now!!

(This is a screenshot of my actual nav bar right now, I am not kidding!)

((The Antidefamation League FAQ search was legitimate research for my Jewish Master post and I honestly wasn't aware that the innocent DEXKNOWS Whitepages search tab could appear so incriminating when you click off the page!!))

The Must See TV Ads Offensive

Of course the best ones weren't made in America...we'd get too offended!

The Kill The Bloody **Bleep** Offensive

Now I could totally understand and support this one if the offensive **bleeped** word was in a song that had these words in front of it:

poke a stick at the

burn the

maim the

kill the

(or the worst of all;)

criticize the fashion sense of the

..... It tells the story of two lovers who trade insults on Christmas Eve and one verse ends with the memorable line: "You scumbag, you maggot you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your a*** I pray God It's our last."

Radio 1 bosses have bleeped out the word faggot from the song, for fear it will offend homosexuals, but have provoked the ire of one of their own leading DJs as well as listeners.
A spokesman said: "This step has been taken as this is a word that members of our audience would find offensive."

The decision was criticised as "ridiculous" by Chris Moyles, the Radio 1 DJ, who is leading a campaign to make the 1987 song the Christmas number one.

--->> ...Read More... <<---

The Cow Manure Entreprenuer Offensive

I honestly almost didn't put the American flag on this one, it is soooooo bad!!

I shoulda tagged it with an Iranian or French flag hehe...

Joe: "Uh, Frank, did you forget to shower this morning?"

Frank: "No, man, it's my new South Texas Cow Patty Pen. Wanna borrow it?"

..... Cow patties may be Lopez's current specialty, but when he began the craft in 2000 he used wood, bone, deer antler and other materials to encase mail-ordered ballpoints.

"I was bored, poor," he said. "I had bought some tools" and decided to give handmade pens a try. But after hawking them at craft shows and county fairs, he realized his wares looked like everyone else's.

So he started looking for a way to distinguish his work. Exotic materials were hard to find in Poteet, but he came across the solution in his own backyard.

"There's not much money in this area, so I need to make things with the finances (I have) and I need the materials the same way," he said.

His original brand name for the pens included a vulgar barnyard term, but it offended customers and other vendors at craft shows, so he retreated to the safer "South Texas Cow Patty Pen."

Listening to Lopez describe how he arrived at his production method is like listening to a scientist describe a breakthrough discovery. The cow patties can't be too dry but they can't be too fresh, either. Also important is the type of feed the cattle in question are eating.

Eligible patties must be made from pure coastal grass, never grain, Lopez said adamantly, gesturing with both hands otherwise the patty "won't be natural."

--->> ...Read More... <<---

Was That You Joey????

Remember my Saturday morning heartthrob and defender of the 1st Amendment, Mr. Joey Vento, "The Cheesesteak King"????

Well guess what, I sent Geno's Steaks a most heartfelt email yesterday
explaining my red, white and blue feelings toward Mr. Vento and told them that he had earned my 2007 Offender of the Year award...and I had dedicated my entire Weekend Offender post to him...

...and then just now I check my NeoPlanet stats
and LOOK at what I found!!

Right there in neon green, 6 hrs 8 mins ago...Philadelphia!!

?!?! Do You Think It Could Be HIM ?!?!

IT WOULD BE SO COOL IF IT WAS

If so, I hope I didn't offend him with my quick move to replace

him with My New Jewish Master!!

(but c'mon who woudn't choose Ben over Joey, though, I mean JUST LOOK at him! What woman or gay man wouldn't want him??)

xoxox Muy Caliente! xoxox

Nah, with my luck it was probably the cleaning lady snooping on his computer...

The God Save the Union Offensive

Hmm...well I can think at least one faith off the top of my head that doesn't want Britain or any nation to be a Christian nation...not mentioning names or anything....

...I'm just sayin'.

..... The Chief Rabbi said that there was a climate of intolerance that threatened to destroy the country's identity and had pushed faith to the margins.

"I think we are seeing a new intolerance," he said. "There is an extravagant over-zealousness in trying not to offend anyone and little do these people realise that other faiths would like Britain to be a Christian country."

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The Weekender Offender ~ Special Edition

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!

This Weekender Offender is dedicated to my man, Joey Vento from Geno's Steaks. Make sure you scroll down and read the next post which is all about his bold stand he is taking at his Phily Cheesesteak restaurant.

Joey needs our support in his fight, so please take a moment to visit the link below (or the three others before it) and show him that you believe in exercising the First Amendment regardless of who it offends. Remember, we may not always agree with what an American has to say, but we ALL have to support their right to say it!! Capishe??

Hey have a great weekend, and what the hell, this time let's all go out there and offend someone, JUST FOR JOEY!! :)

The Phily Cheesesteak Impresario Offensive

Meet my new best friends, Joey Vento and his lawyer.

American heroes? Or American antagonists?

You decide...

None of the above!!

We know what he's really thinking...and God Bless him for having the courage to say it!

(emphasis below is MINE, and hopefully YOURS too!)

..... Vento, owner of Geno's Steaks, said his restaurant serves more than 600,000 steak sandwiches a year and never refused service based on a patron's national origin.

The signs - which say "This is America. When ordering, please speak English" - serve two purposes, he said: to express his First Amendment-protected opinion about immigration; and to encourage faster ordering at the neon-splashed shop, where the line is sometimes 50 customers deep.

Leading Vento's legal team was Shannon Goessling of the Southeastern Legal Foundation.

While some people might be offended by Vento's signs, she contended, they aren't illegal. "Do you want the freedom from being offended?" she asked the three-member panel hearing the case. "Or the freedom of speech? You can't have both."

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Congratulations, Joey....you have won my heart and you have also just won: