The "Don't Do Incense!" Offensive

So the other day I was watching the Ghost Whisperer and started to really feel offended that I have never had a ghost, or a poltergeist, or a demon from the bowls of hell ever come and visit me. Not one. Ever!!

Ok, so I know I am not as cute as the girl on the show, but I am not exactly someone you would stick a bag over my head to take out on a date, either. (Welllll, maybe a see-through one, but still!).

I mean, seriously though, what the hell is wrong with me that nobody from beyond the grave ever comes to grope me in my sleep or throw my dishes at me or drop electrical appliances in my bathtub while I'm in it??!!

Talk about a blow to my self esteem! Ugh, I hate that show now.

Well, anyway, you know me. I do not take these things lying down (heh, well ok, I take some things lying down but we won’t go there right now... ;). I decided I just had to do something about it so of course, I went shopping for a Ouija board. I just needed to let the other side know I was available, right??

Right!!

Well, lucky me, I found this handy little Chinese version on sale down at the local Walmart:

Yes, I know! I thought it was so cool, too!! (No, you can't borrow it!).

I just knew it was my ticket to getting the recognition and possible groping I so rightfully deserve from the other side. And I didn’t waste any time, either. As I left the parking lot, I steered with my knee and had my kid watch the road so I could start texting every single dead celebrity and relative I could think of!!

Yet despite all of my efforts, it was all in vain, of course. I never got even a single reply, even after I developed caraptunnel in both arms and tried toe-texting. I guess they don't have these new Ouija boards on the other side yet, but I'm sure the technology will catch up soon, it has to, right?!

So anyhoo...I decided instead of trying to get them to come to me, I’d just have to go to them!!

The next day, I gave the ouijaberry to my kids and I took a job as a stripper at the local truck stop. I'm pretty good, so after a week I'd saved enough to buy this spooky old abandoned house that was supposedly haunted:



Scary, huh? I know, shiver!!

The next time I was at Walmart, I bought a waterproof ghost-capturing camera so I could snap some pictures of those ghostly orb thingys I keep hearing about.

I couldn’t believe how well it worked!!

I thought the ghosts and demons must love rainy nights, because that first time I tried it look at how many came out to see me!!!

Of course, I rushed this picture down to my local paranormal investigation union hall as soon as I could. I was sure they'd confirm that I had numerous disembodied entities surrounding my new place!!

What a disappointment, though. I guess they have a special machine that tells you who's in the orb, but instead of someone cool like a long dead serial killer or angry civil war mistress, they all showed this same ugly face:




I know! Talk about a let down!!

I mean, how can I be haunted by the guy from the Beatles? He’s not even dead!! Ugh. What a total rip-off. So, I took that camera back and bought a ghost catcher/leaf blower instead, just in case a real ghost showed up! Hey, I've seen Ghostbusters twelve times, I know how it's done!

Anyhoo…so my self esteem was lower than ever after the orbs turned out to be false alarms, but, again, you know me! I do not give up that easily!!

I decided to try one last thing.

Along with a burrito, I bought some really sticky “incense” from Jesus my taco truck guy, and he also sold me some black candles, a chicken and a hooded robe, (although I am not quite sure what I needed those for). Then I got together all the weirdest people I know and we held a séance at my place.

It only took us about 12 times of passing the water-filled ‘incense burner’ that Jesus loaned me before we conjured up our first ghost, too! Heh, it was an amazingly spiritual experience, to say the least!!

Unfortunately, though, by the time he showed up, we were all feeling kinda silly (and hungry, boy was I glad I bought that chicken!) and for some unknown reason everything made us laugh our asses off, so when we saw who it was we couldn’t help but roll on the floor and pee ourselves while we made fun of him:




I mean, we were just having some fun, how was I to know he'd get so offended ?!

Well, I regret it now because he became so pissed that he's refused to leave and now he tries to scare me, constantly popping in and out of the other side, or follows me around trying to make me apologize!!

Of course, I just break out laughing when he shows himself, so it only makes things worse. Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad, but I can’t take back what I said!! I mean, heh, just look at him, I meant every word of it!!

Soooo, I guess I’m stuck with being haunted by a pudgy guy from the 70’s in an ill-fitting, candy apple red disco suit. It's better than nothing, I guess??

To make it worse, he thinks he is an halfway decent Elvis impersonator! Ha!! He can't fool me, I am a huge Elvis fan. That's right. In fact, I have these on every wall in my house:

You think they'd scare off third-rate demons who impersonate the King, but apparently not. Unfortunately, the only thing they've proven good for is warding off Jehovah's Witnesses when they come over uninvited.

Just the other day, while I was waiting for the Catholic priest I ordered from the Yellow Pages, I used one to scare off some Jehovah's Witnesses who came over unannounced, as a matter of fact.

They kept ringing the bell over and over and over, so it's kinda their fault, really!! Hey, don't judge me, you know they are annoying, too!

Anyhoo... I really didn't mean to throw it so hard, and I do hope the one guy recovers, I mean, who knew that my little Elvis crucifix would penetrate the door and do so much damage to him??

Funny, that priest I ordered never did show up, so I guess I must be on some sort of traveling church people black list now!! I didn't know the Jehovah's Witnesses even talked to the Catholics!!

Anyhoo…I guess I’ll just learn to live with being haunted by this completely talentless and fashion challenged moron.

As disappointed as I am that it wasn’t Kurt Cobain or James Dean or Jimmy Hoffa, I guess he’ll do. I mean, at least some undead bastard cared enough to show up, right??

Then again... why should I settle?

Maybe I could do better!!

In fact, this show on the Discovery channel last night about crop circles and alien hybrids has really gotten me thinking... why is it that I’m not good enough to be abducted and impregnated by aliens? I am good enough to attract third-rate demons who think they are Elvis, so why not?

I wonder if Walmart carries supplies to help attract their attention....

:p

This post is burning some sticky incense and trying to summon a higher quality of undead over at humor-blogs.com