The "Glowing Testicles from Hell" Offensive

My little puss puss may never recover...

OK, stop right there. I know what you're thinking....

After my last post about the perverted nun and her equally perverted neighbor, your mind is probably still in the gutter!!! I can imagine the mental picture in your head right now. I forgive you though, because it was really my fault for putting your thoughts there to begin with.

Unfortunately, this story isn't like that at all.

Honestly, I wish it was!

No, this one is a completely true and incredibly sad tale about my actual pussy cat, the once sweet and lovable Mister Schmoopy Doopey as pictured below:

Yes, I know. You can't help but fall in love with him too, huh?! Well when you hear what happened to him, you will surely feel my pain....

It all started when Mister Schmoopey Doopey grew a bit and started spraying odoriferous indications of his 'blossoming manhood' all over my house and, naturally, as a responsible cat owner and faithful watcher of Bob Barker on The Price is Right, I decided the time had come to do the right thing and get him neutered.

So, while the cleaning crew came in, I took my sweet little Mister Schmoopy to the local vet and after a rather quick inspection, he agreed that it was indeed time for the big "N". He assured me that it was an easy and painless procedure and that my kitty cat wouldn't even miss his furry little testicles.

Well, I wasn't easily convinced at first. I mean, being a woman, I couldn't really know for sure but I had some serious concerns because Mister Schmoopey so enjoyed spending hours and hours grooming his new found manhood, and I didn't want him to end up psychologically damaged when he realized they were just... gone!

And he is pretty smart, so what if he rejected me because of it? I didn't think I could live with that. My vet said he understood completely, and told me he had the perfect solution.

He gave me this pamphlet for a brand new product that had just came on to the market:

Yes, I thought it was a brilliant idea, too!!!

Mister Schmoopy is an indoor/outdoor kitten cat and being black like he is, I always worried about him being hit by a car at night while he prowled the neighborhood. I had tried the glow in the dark collars, but he kept hanging himself on fences and was down to only one or two lives left, so this seemed like the perfect solution! I made my mind up then and there, and was feeling confident that it was the right decision.

The cost was a little high, though, so before I could have the procedure done, I had to take a second job working 18 hour shifts at the local potato factory. He was worth it though!

Not only did I earn enough to pay for Mister Schmoopy's operation, but I made some international friends and learned a whole lot of dirty Spanish words to boot. Yep, those will come in handy for when the Taco truck lady is taking too long to get me my burritos!!

Anyhoo...I was soooo happy when I finally had enough saved up to make the appointment for his 'big day', but looking back, I see now that I probably should have made the call to the vet in private. Mister Schmoopy's IQ had apparently expanded exponentially during all those days and nights I had left him alone with nothing but PBS on the TV to keep him company!

I sensed by his response that he knew what was going on:

That whole week before his big day, he refused to come inside. I had to put raw meat out just to get him to come close enough and even then I had to use my tazer to calm him down enough to get him in his little cat carrier and into the car!

He recovered quickly, though, like he always does after I tazer him and we were on our way!

I didn't think much of it at the time, but as we went down our street, I noticed the other male cats in the neighborhood acting rather strangely, I think he may have told them what was going on at our house:

Weird, huh? Some of them are still up there to this day!

Anyhoo...everything went fine and the operation was a success, or so I thought. My vet assured me that when he healed up he would be the sweet, lovable Mister Schmoopey Doopey I'd always known and loved and we'd live happily ever after with him sleeping on my head at night and grooming his manhood during the days.

Well, my vet was wrong, wrong, wrong!! He couldn't have been more wrong. The Mister Schmoopey I knew and loved died that day on the operating table and a monster puss puss was born in his place!

I really should get a lawyer and make that bastard pay for what happened next, yet none of us could have predicted just how badly things would turn out, or the price we'd all pay for the vet's little mistake.

At first, I thought Mister Schmoopey was understandably just a little mad at me, but I trusted that once he healed and realized that I had generously opted for the extra large replacement testicles for his grooming pleasure, he'd get over it and we'd be even closer than before!!

Boy was I mistaken.

The first time I let him outside he limped bowlegged to the garden and stayed there for three whole days, making these awful noises and staring at me with a bone chilling, vengeful stare:

On the fourth day, instead of coming in to make nice, he disappeared completely, and I thought he had run away!! I panicked and plastered the neighborhood with missing Mister Schmoopey reward posters, alerting the neighbors to keep their eyes out... especially at night... for my kitten cat and his brand new and not cheap glowing nards!

Being the only cat in the area to have them, I was sure if nothing else, they would lead to his recovery!!

Well, it wasn't long before I started to realize that perhaps Mister Schmoopey hadn't really run away but was intentionally staying hidden from my view. I began finding little clues that he was still around, like deep claw marks all over my car doors, porch railings and lawn gnomes.

He was just getting out his frustration, I told myself, and soon it would all blow over and he'd be back to sleeping on my head at night again and grooming his manhood all day.

If only I'd recognized the other signs he'd been leaving.....

You can't blame me, I mean I just didn't want to think he was capable of such evil!! I felt safer convincing myself that it was the neighbor's angry and freakish looking teenage son who was leaving the trail of death around my yard.

I kept records, just in case it ever became an issue for the courts. I warn you, the pictures are graphic:

OK, I know, you don't have to say it.

The signs were all there that it was not the neighbor's freakish son, but was probably the vengeful work of my once sweet and loving Mister Schmoopy.

I guess love blinds a cat lover though, you know?! Who wants to think their little kitten is capable of such carnage??

What frightened me at first was how he killed so indiscriminately. Mice, birds, squirrels, frogs, dogs, deer...you name it, they all suffered from his wrath. It didn't take the neighbors long to figure out who was behind it all, too, since he'd pile the bodies on my porch or in my yard, or if I left my window open, on the front seat of my car!

Yes, I should have been clued in that it was directly related to my Mister Schmoopey and his little operation when the few male cats who had found the courage to come out of the big tree began not only turning up dead, too, but they showed extra disturbing signs of torture and mutilation on their furry carcasses.

I'll spare you the pictures, but let's just say that they all had their manhood forcibly removed in rather horrific and stomach turning sorts of ways! It really panicked ALL the male residents of my neighborhood, let me tell you! What made it worse was none of their missing reproductive parts were ever found. I don't even want to imagine what he did with them. The thought of it only makes me shudder!!

Anyhoo...only one cat that we know of to this day survived the vicious attacks, but he had always been the biggest and toughest bastard on the block anyway so we weren't really surprised that he could live through something like that.

It took the fight right out of him though, and he's never been the same since the incident...

I tried to bring over a get well soon kitty basket of treats and wanted to tell his owner that he might want to consider the glow in the dark implants to try to bring his once well endowed, bad ass, prize fighting kitty out of the mass depression he was in, but I guess he held a grudge and didn't want to talk to me. He just slammed the door in my face.

OK, I probably shouldn't have carved my response to his rudeness into the new vinyl siding on his house, but I was a little upset myself over the whole ordeal by this point!! Who could blame me?

Anyhoo...before long, because of the seemingly endless supply of innocent victims, we had no choice but to turn the little community park where all the kids played into this:


It's just awful, I know! What's worse is my once friendly neighbors began turning on me, which I felt was a bit unfair!! They really should be angry at my vet, he is the one who did this to us!!

I mean, I am a victim here, too.

I'm the one who had to quit my job so I could spend all of my time searching for my Mister Schmoopey Doopey, and I actually thought I spotted him the other night carrying something in his mouth that appeared to be little furry, bloody 'revenge trophies' under my house... but it was dark so I'm not sure it was really him.

It didn't look like the Mister Schmoopey I used to know and love, but it somewhat resembled his former self:

Soooo... now you understand why I'm in therapy over it all. I've thought about just giving up and putting my house up for sale, but if I don't find him soon it will be foreclosed on anyway.

I just can't give up hope though!! I just know someday my Mister Schmoopey Doopey will come back to me to sleep on my head all night and spend his days lounging on the couch happily grooming his enormous glow in the dark prosthetic manhood!!!

I just know it. I live for that moment now...that little glimmer of hope is what keeps me going. I have to cling to it, it's all I have, really.

Hey, thanks for listening, it really helps to have your support. Oh, and if you happen to be in my area and see him, will you please let me know?? I'm still offering that reward for his return...although I can't guarantee I can pay it all at once... or at all really at this point....but you understand, right??

:p

Chelle B.