So today as I was reminiscing over my rather unique childhood, I realized just how many offenses I committed (and most importantly, got away with) before I became old enough to even buy porn and cigarettes.
Boy, do I miss those days! Don't you?
Of course you do!
Now, I don't know about you, but some of my offenses were so great and so brilliant (and since the statute of limitations on most of them has recently passed) I feel that they are seriously overdue some well deserved recognition!
So I decided that the best way to do them justice is to turn them into a pre-Weekender Offender warm-up game that I am calling....
"Guess My Offense!"
(For those of you who have no real offenses to reminisce over, because you played Chutes and Ladders instead of Quarters and Strip Poker at your childhood sleepovers, this will be a perfect chance to let your sweet, innocent, non-offensive inner child hang out with my, um, well, not as sweet, never that frigging innocent and delightfully offensive inner child. That's right, and all without the fear of possibly being charged as an accomplice!! Hooyah. ;)
Anyhoo...the game is simple, really.
I will give you three different scenarios that each depict a typical rebellious girl offense of varying legality. Only one will be an actual offense that I, Chelle B., proudly executed with my childlike, evil-genius precision.
You just pick the one that you think is mine and leave a comment with your guess and we'll see how good you are at "Guess My Offense". Winners will get honorable mention on my Weekender Offender post where I will also reveal the offense that belongs to me.
Ready?!
OK, here goes:
1st offense: At 10 years old, Chelle B. received an "F" on her report card. In a futile attempt to keep her parents from knowing, she spiked the teacher's coffee with laxatives and stole the teacher's record book while she was indisposed. It is probably still at the bottom of the Stanislaus river today.
2nd offense: At 12 years old, Chelle B. was selling candy bars to help earn the money for 6th grade science camp. To make up for the fact that she ate $8.00 worth of candy bars herself, she raided her mom's jewelry box and took $10.00 worth of silver dollars that had once belonged to her grandfather.
3rd offense: At 13 years old, Chelle B. noticed a reward poster for a missing dog in a friend's neighborhood. The reward was $100. Chelle B. had never had $100. The dog looked just like one that lived in her neighborhood. That night, under cover of darkness, she coaxed the look-alike dog with a piece of salami and abducted it. She then tried to pass it off for the reward dog but was turned down, so in defeat she snuck the dog back into it's own yard the next night under cover of darkness.
Alright, there they are.
Let's see what kind of deviant offender you think I was!!
33 Offensive Comments:
Ok, I should get extra credit for raising my hand first...It used ta work.
Here's my take.
Rule out #1. The only F you've heard, seen or know of is likely in the word Feck. IQ stuff and your "pleasing nature" notwithstanding...Pass.
Although cheap thievery is probably right up most alleys in the spud state, I'm thinkin' it's a bit too easy for you...You'd want a mark.
I'm goin' with 3 with the caveat that I can't believe you didn't get it done. That's my only doubt with said guess.
Peace.........T
1.Not stupid enough to get that F and that trick never really works.
2.Hmm stealing Grandads dollars?
3. An evil genius in the making!
It has to be number 3!
I vote for B. You are too smart to have gotten an F and the dog thing sounds so unlikely. the candy bar scenario has the ring of truth. Definitely B.
I am going to say # 3.
The first one sounds fake, the second one doesn't sound likely but the third one sounds like the work of an evil genius.
I say 2.
It seems like something a devious child would do and I hope you were caught and punished. :)
I vote offense #2
That is an interesting set of offenses.
If it was me, we were talking about, No. 1 would have been the right answer.
But, since it is not me, I will go for No. 3!
Lol, all of the above!
I'll say B, but it looks like you still have the dog from "C". Doesnt look like you've had too many candy bars, tho'
..Hey.. I really like the writing style, and the blog looks awesome but.. I'm not all that fuzzed about the comments. I don't want to get offensive (lol), but I mean..from looking at I don't know much about the people participating in the discussion.
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hmmmm. they all seem plausible, yet I'm voting with #2 and the quarters thing. I did similar stuff when I needed "gas money" at 16 (back when a buck could nearly get you a gallon....ah the good old days!).
The other two, while devilishly brilliant, also seem like things that you would think about but not necessarily carry out in actuality.
#2 ?
A truly tough number to call!! LOL Especially as this is my first encounter of your blog! And from what I read up to now it looks likely that you could have been the perpetrator of all 3 offenses!!
However...
Lets see...
No. 1 sounds too much like those Porky's films of the 80's! nah... that can't be it!
No. 2 theft for candy! Hmmm... naah!
I go for No. 3! Hey, $100 at the age of 13 must have looked like a grand fortune!
i'm torn between 2 and 3...oh, what to chose,what to chose...um...ok...tw..three...3! and, that's my final...no 2...2 and that is my FINAL answer!!!
I'm wiht Alan, I think it is B. The Candy/Money thing.
Well, I see nothing of the sexual nature so I'm going to have to go with....
B!
I really have to go with #2. As much as #1 would have been fun, I think the laxative thing would have been a 13 year olds evil genious, not 10.
I really HOPE that #3 isn't true
So #2 it is!
I'm going to say it was #2.
Although, I did a similar thing to #3 when I was a kid:
We had a mouse in the house.
My mother offered my friend and I each $5 to catch and kill it.
A few days later, on my friend's paper route, we saw a dead mouse.
Said mouse was picked up, put in a baggy, thrown in the trash outside, and my mother was informed that we had - indeed - caught it.
Easiest $5 I ever made.
Parents are so stupid.
#3 - That $100 would have been worth a try at 13....
I'd be so offended! ;)
D) None of the above. I know this is all a very creative, blog Oscar worthy performance and that you are too nice a girl and have always been too nice a girl to do anything like these at all.
Sorry to blow your cover. That Witness Protection Program never was any good. Can't imagine why you thought it would shield you from exposure?
-Will
I am guessing it is #2 because it seems more realistic.
I'd have to go with 3. 2 seems too tame, and 1 just doesn't fit with what we've seen of you here and in the discussions. Genius blog post though. Funny, and we get a peek into the twisted little mind that grows into the full blown Offendedblogger.
We're going to say number 2, because that so seems like something a kid would do in desperation.
I vote for #2 simply because I, too, am a serial offender and did almost the same thing at about the same age. My younger brother got blaimed for the pilfering, and several decades later, still harbors resentment and anger, issues for which I often have recommended he see a therapist.
The reason I didn't choose #1 is I simply don't know whether E-Lax would dissolve quickly enough in a small amount of liquid to be tasteless or do the job. I have to admit, though, that I, too, am guilty of being an X-Lax offender.
I was very young when I married my first husband, and after several years my hatred of him had grown to the point that I was seriously considering hiring a hit man to murder him.
Unfortunately, my budget was nil and I hadn't a clue how I went about trying to find a gun for hire in the small Oklahoma where I then lived.
While hording "escape" money (mostly taken from his pockets while he showered or slept), I took to committing offenses for which he couldn't prove me guilty.
The first that I remember was buying and finely chopping the chocolaty contents of two large boxes of X-Lax into a half-gallon of "hubby's" favorite ice cream, a premium mint chocolate chip that he bought weekly by the half-gallon SOLELY for his consumption. Neither I nor my two toddlers were allowed even a taste.
Since he was such a pig in most every sense, I knew he could be counted on to consume the half-gallon of X-Laxed ice cream in one sitting if I scooped it all into a mixing bowl and offered him the bowl and a spoon while he laid back in his Lazy-Boy watching one of his favorite evening TV shows.
And that is exactly what he did.
The X-Lax hit him within an hour and by the middle of the night he had become delightfully ill with symptoms that lasted for days.
Offensive? Definitely.
Childish? Most likely, but definitely cheaper and less of an offense (especially a felony offense) than hiring a hit man, then spending 20 years in prison while my sons grew up ridiculed because their mom had their dad killed. Though, when I think abck on it, in Oklahoma spousal murder may not have offended all that many of the hypothetical jurors (if such a jury had included married women).
I know that many believe that God punishes or gets even with us for all of our offenses ... but I guess God chose to penalize the ex for his lenthy list of truly offensive acts before passing judgment on mine. Just two years ago, the master of all swine was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer and died in less than four weeks, still a relatively young man.
Did I attend the funeral? No, although the thought of just how offensive it would be to literally dance on his grave almost brought me to The Big O. But, if and when I'm in that part of the country, the first task on my "to-do" list is to make a stop at the local cemetery where I plan to do a private and truly offensive Happy Dance on his gravestone.
Unlike Will above, (who is sooo obviously hitting on you) I think the worst of you. It's the Idaho way.
I therefore believe that you:
Took the money to buy laxatives that you then injected into the candy bars which you subsequently fed to you teacher's dog.
(Whatever is at the bottom of the reservoir, I can't imagine. But surely the statutes of limitation apply by now.)
I also guess Mrs. Peacock in the library with the lead pipe.
@ Leopardskinpillboxhat...
That is pure unadulterated Hate. Note to self...keep wife away from this thread....Peace......T
Good one Don! Truthfully, she is way to young for my interest even if I was available! And, she already fessed up to marrying rich, so if that's true, everyone else is out of luck also!
Besides, if in the unlikely event I am wrong about her true self, accusing her of being "nice" is probably a dangerous insult, rather than a compliment!
I think you did all of them, but at the tender age of nine.
For realsies, probably the second offense.
PS- Us goody-two-shoes play Candy Land, not Chutes and Ladders. :)
#2
You are a dog person so you would have known, even then, that dogs are not interchangeable even if they look alike.
Definitely #2
Hi Chelle, number one is priceless and a very brilliant idea, I was first going to say number 2 but after getting to know your through your blog I think it was number one, you are creative enough to pull it off too....Sylvia
Candy ! Candy! Candy!
I would have done that.
Damn, Chelle! You have the workings of a true criminal mind. LOL I would have never thought of such capers when I was that age.
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