The "I Like Mike" Offensive

No, not Huckabee, Holmes! Mike Holmes!!

Don't give me that blank stare, you know...he is that hunky guy in the overalls from the Discovery Home show, "Holmes on Homes":

What do you mean, you still don't know which show?? You know..the one where he comes in and fixes all the damage left behind by shady, inept, no-permits-needed building contractors?

Oh please! Don't act like you have no idea who he is! I mean, heh, no offense, but when you aren't blogging or surfing the internet for porn you do watch educational type programming once in a while, right?

(God, I'd hate to think of you as the type who Tivo's mindnumbing crap like South Park or My Name is Earl or Fox News!! Wait, I Tivo Earl. I just love that guy, him and Darnell are my favorites! Oh, and Darnell and his turtle, Mr. Turtle, gosh he cracks me up).

Anyhoo...now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Mike Holmes!

Ah, I soooo love Mike Holmes. He has the best show on TV and he also wrote this book:

Yep, that's him in all his handsome Canadian glory. He is the object of my appreciation. I own 27 copies of that book and have three sets of all his shows on DVD, one for every TV in my house.

My husband wasn't too thrilled, but I even remodelled our bedroom to show what a huge fan I am of him and his 'making it right' overall wearing self:

(Well, heh, that was our bedroom, before things started to go wrong...)

It's really quite a sad story! I had no idea that it would go so terribly wrong when I sent him my first letter, trying to get on his show:



It's true! I do have a full body tattoo of him! I'll email a picture of it to you if you don't believe me!! (btw, the guys from Miami Ink did it for me).

As far as the other part...well, I admit it, it wasn't exactly true...I never had any bad contractors over to my place. I was just hoping he'd come to my house so I could see him in his overalls in person!! So, ok. I kinda lied a bit, the damage to my house wasn't exactly done by shady contractors, it was done by...me.

Please don't tell him I told you though?

I was naive, I admit it, but how was I to know that he'd figure out that I was the one who kicked this hole in my wall??

Oh, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle, he is Mr. Holmes on Homes Mike Holmes, the friggin handyman of all handymen! Of course he'd know!!".

Hey, you don't have to lecture me, I know now that I wasn't thinking straight at that time. I mean, I'd been up for three straight days eating Ritalin and drinking Rock Star, watching a marathon of Holmes on Homes when I hatched this plot so my brain was a little fried.

Of course I know now that he'd see through my little scheme and probably think it was, ya know, cute.

Anyhoo...I don't know why it surprised me when I didn't hear back from him after I sent the first hundred copies of my letter and picture that first day.

But, hey, you know me, I don't give up that easily!!

That's right, I figured out pretty quickly that it would take more than a little ole hole in the wall to grab his attention and get me noticed, so I added a few more holes to it and a few more walls, and then kinda let the bathtub overflow for just a few days.

Well, it ran for not more than a week and a half.

OK, it may have been both bathtubs, three sinks and all the hoses, but was definitely no longer than two or three weeks. OK, to be honest, it's all a blur now, really.

But the results were amazing! I rushed the new pics to him right away:

I know! Pretty good, huh?

I thought these ones would for sure get me on his show!! I mean, look at that damage, doesn't it look like someone who doesn't get permits and bullshits his way into your pocketbook did it?!

Heh, well... apparently not! Even after that I still didn't hear back from Mr. Holmes or any one on his staff, for that matter! I waited a whole week too, and then I knew I had to put some more effort into it.

So, after keeping the kids up for three days on Ritalin and Rock Star to help me send copies of my updated sob story with pictures about five or six hundred more times, I decided I'd give him one more chance before I went ahead to plan B!!

Yep, it's always good to have a backup plan.

Of course, when I didn't hear anything over the next couple of days after mailing those out, I snuck out, leaving a note for my family saying I had a sick aunt in Cleveland to take care of and I drove straight up to Canada without even stopping to pee.

(By the way, those adult diapers are amazingly absorbent!)

I was hoping to hook up with him at a book signing he had scheduled in Quebec. I even brought my 27 copies of his book, including the one that I'd modified a little just to give him the hint that I was serious:

But, of course, with my luck being as it is lately, his book signing was cancelled at the last minute and after spending two weeks staying in hotels and driving all over Canada, and then maxing out the rest of my credit cards on a no-good private investigator with a funny accent who was trying to track down his private address and phone number for me, I came home in utter defeat.

I know, it was awful!! After all the work I'd put into it!!

Thank god I had the life-sized Mike Holmes doll I knitted before I left to keep me company on that long drive back to Idaho!! Yep, he kept me sane and we did a lot of talking on that trip back. I really felt like we connected, you know? He helped me come to the realization that a few holes in the wall and some water stains on the siding was just not enough to grab his attention! He was so above those petty little things!

No, what I needed was something extraordinarily attention-grabbing...more than pictures of my full body tattoo even. Something that would cry out to him, "holy smokes, this girl needs help!!".

Sooo.. as soon as I got back to Idaho, I took a second job at a local taco truck and instead of paying off the credit card bills (collectors agencies) with all the extra money I earned, I rented some necessary equipment to do it right.

I felt I did it quite right, don't you??

Yes, I knew you'd agree!

Now if that, my friend, didn't get his friggin attention then nothing would, right?!! As soon as the letters went out, I was sooo excited, just knowing I'd be hearing from him as soon as he got a look at that bad contractor remodel job!!!

Yet, as excited as I was waiting to hear from him, for some reason my neighbor wasn't very excited at all. I'm not sure what the hell his problem was...I guess he's just not a big Mike Holmes fan, but it's not like I destroyed his house or anything!!

He sat on his back porch like this for three days, making whimpering noises:

Now, between you and me, I'm not sure, but I don't think he's from around here so he probably doesn't understand how these reality shows work or how important they are to a lot of us.

He'll figure it out though. In fact, I bet we see him trying out for American Idol next year!

Anyhoo...imagine my surprise when just a few days later, instead of getting a letter saying that my mister 'Mike the handsome piece of Canadian bacon handyman Holmes' was immediately flying down to meet me in person to go over the details of my upcoming remodel, I get this delivered to me by some not as handsome, non overall wearing, donut munching, police officer impersonating delivery boy!!

Yes! It is a copy of a restraining order!! Against me, nonetheless... his #1 fan!!!

Can you imagine??

So... of course I knew it had to be a mistake so I ran inside, threw on a Depends, grabbed some rope, duct tape and a pellet gun that looks like the real thing, jumped right into my car, waved at my turban wearing neighbor on my way out and headed back up to Canada!

This time, though, I had to... ya know... make a few necessary stops along the way to help pay for the trip, and I am not proud of the things I did to finance the expedition, but let's just say that no one was harmed and I will pay back both banks and the twelve convenience stores as soon as I can.

Of course...it might be a little while before I am able to do that...I'm kinda still waiting to be extradited from Canada, actually.

Luckily they have internet access in the prison library so I can post my story here for you!!

I know, I'd always heard Canadians were nicer than us Americans, too. I guess that was just propaganda from the era during the war in Vietnam or something.

Anyhoo...it wasn't all a waste, at least I did get a few minutes with the object of my obsession, er I mean appreciation. Before he called the mounties on me, (who by the way do NOT ride horses!) I caught up with Mike 'Make it Right' Holmes at a book signing in Winnipeg. I snapped this one picture as they drug me out of the store:

He acted a little confused when I reminded him who I was and begged him to sign my book and look at my tattoo, and before I could clear up the little misunderstanding and show him my letter and pictures, he had his bodyguards hold me outside until the authorities showed up! Yep, and so, here I am....

It's too bad, I never got the chance to show him the newest photos of the last remodelling work I did right before I left Idaho. It was my best yet, too!!

If only he'd seen them, I just know he'd have put me on the show for sure!!

How could he have passed this up??

I know my neighbors were kinda counting on my talking him into coming back with me, too, since they were involved by this point, so I really gotta get out of here and catch up with Mike Holmes again as soon as I can!! Hey, if you know anyone at the American embassy, could you give them my name and let them know what's going on?

Thanks a lot!!

Chelle B.

:p

This post is patiently sitting in a Canadian prison cell awaiting extradition or for Mike Holmes to come and "Make it Right" over at humor-blogs.com