The "It's the American Way!" Offensive

So, no offense to all the bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burners out there, but I’ve decided I am going to do the American thing by outsourcing my blog for pennies a day to some needy, dumpster-diving, downtrodden third-worlder.

Like one of these:


Oh, I know what you’re thinking, though. “Chelle B., I am a bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burner and I think it is nice and charitable of you to help some needy, dumpster-diving third worlder out like that!“.

Ha!

Yeah, OK.

If it makes you feel better.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am only doing it because blogging is just so much frigging work and frankly, I married rich just so I didn‘t have to work!!!

I'd much rather do this:



That’s right, that's me. Hate the game, not the player.

I am not afraid to admit that not only am I a non-bleeding-heart patriotic American capitalist pig, I am a smart and rich non-bleeding-heart patriotic American capitalist pig who took her mother‘s advice and enjoys the many fringe benefits that come with marrying rich.

Benefits like: French chefs, Swedish massage therapists, English butlers, Greek pool boys, San Franciscan hair dressers, Italian soccer players… you know, those sorts of things!!

(Oh, and I can't forget those 'open-all-night' Hispanic taco truck drivers, too. ).

Hooyah!

Anyhoo… where was I again?

Oh, yeah...so as you can see, for someone like myself, to just be a plain ol‘ do-the-work-on-my-own blogger really goes against everything I believe in!!!

Between you and me, though, it hasn’t been easy finding the right guy for the job. It's almost harder than doing the work myself!

The first guy I brought on board was actually my neighbor’s son who told me he was an experienced blogger, but it quickly turned ugly and I had to fire him.

At about that same time, he got kicked out of his parent‘s house:


Who knew he’d quit sleeping, bathing or going to college or that he’d become completely obsessed with me, my naked pictures and my silly little blogs??

Ugh.

Believe me, I learned my lesson with him and won’t be letting the next guy I hire into my private “Chelle B. ~ XXX” files!

Anyhoo…I had a few more candidates that I've considered replacing the last pervert with, but so far none of them have worked out.

Like this guy who phoned in his application from Montana:


Yeaaaah, I know!

What the hell was he thinking by even applying to do my blogging for me?

Pffft...as if I would hire someone who doesn't even own a computer.

I did like his attitude though, and I actually offered to supply him with one, but Montana is a neo-Marxist union state and his asking wage was too high so I reluctantly moved on to the next applicant.

Which happened to be this nice, friendly gentleman from Pennsylvania:

(Hey, he had more to censor than the Montana guy!! ;)

His cute screen name was kidraper69, and he was so nice on the phone and during our all-night chats, and he seemed like the perfect match, but then that stupid Dateline show caught up with him allegedly trying to molest a little boy or something at one of their kiddy porn stakeout houses and mister kidraper69 was suddenly “unavailable”.

Frigging Dateline.

I mean, don’t they have better things to do like make documentaries about Britney Spears trying to molest Paris Hilton or something??!! Ugh.

Anyhoo... so with the top two contenders out of the running, I was forced to lower my standards quite a bit.

The next candidate that I turned down was this little cutie-pie from Georgia:


I know!! I really fell in love with him and his accent.

He was actually the most qualified for the job, too, but he requires more naps and maintenance than I do and the child labor laws in my state prevented me from working him more than 16 hours a day, so….he was out. :(

And then there was this one, who I suspected was lying on his application when I could never get him on the phone to hear if he really was a 29 year old programmer from Indiana:


He can chat well, though, and he almost had me convinced that he was human!

Same story with this one, who tried to sell me on this whole “I’m an out of work college Mascot” sob story:


Heh, lucky for me that I was wise to him and his birdshit after almost being fooled by the wonder dog in Minnesota.

That’s right, birdman, I am not that gullible!

After him, came this next one from Florida and I felt a little guilty turning him down.

I know his being handicapped shouldn't even be a factor in my decision, but good god, it would have taken him all day to type just the title to my blog posts:



So after going through a few more non-computer-owning, potentially child molesting, grossly underage, somewhat handicapped, obviously non-human applicants, I finally have it narrowed down to two guys.

One is a guy who works for Microsoft tech support out of Arizona and the other one is a guy who is currently helping run Ron Paul's campaign from New Hampshire:


I know, they both seem perfect!! I am still waiting on their background checks.

If they both come back clean, it will be a hard decision as to which one will get which of my blogs, because, in case you weren't aware, I HAVE TWO OF THEM!!

(You do know that I have two, right? Oh, good!)

Of course, either of these guys can be “The Offended Blogger”, but it takes a special touch to qualify to be “The Offended American”.

Between you and me, I think since he is more political, I’m leaning toward the monk for that position.

Well, unless one of you bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burners needs a job for pennies a day??

If so, just send in an application and I'll be happy to take a look!!

:p

This post has been outsourced for just pennies a day over at: