The "It's a Birthmark, Dammit!!" Offensive

A Harry mole by any other name...

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe my way too easily offended husband is sleeping on the couch and refuses to speak to me, all because I exhibited my genuine concern over the disturbing changes happening to the melanocytic naevus on his left ass cheek!

(For those of you who don't read medical encyclopedia's for fun, as I do, that's the scientific name for a big fat hairy mole!).

OK, I know what you are thinking, what a big baby he is! Hey, you don't have to tell me, I live with him!!

Why are men always like this:

WHY?????????

Ugh.

Why wasn't I born a lesbian is a better question!!

Anyhoo....back to the marital strife. I mean, it's not like I was rude or anything. In fact, it was during one of our many all night naked tantric massages that I noticed the problem and brought it to his attention, in my sweet and gentile manner I might add!

You think he'd appreciate my genuine concern, (heh, you'd think he'd appreciate the all night tantric massages too!).

No, instead, he is completely in denial and refuses to speak to me now. The last words we said weren't pleasant either, and I pray that they aren't the last words we ever speak to each other!

Here's how our conversation went, as I can best recall:

Me (expertly massaging his left cheek) ~ "Um, sweetie, you might want to make an appointment to have this checked."

Him ~ "Have what checked hon??"

Me ~ "You know, sweetie... that big fat hairy monstrosity that lives on your left cheek here. The one I sometimes call my Weird Uncle Harry."

Him ~ "You mean my hairless birthmark?"

Me (laughing)~ "Um, sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you, it's not a birthmark or a beauty mark. It's a melanocytic naevus that sports a goatee and you really should have it checked. It doesn't look or feel right. I'm worried."

Him ~ "What the hell did you just call it? Why can't you just friggin speak English like my teenage mistress??"

Me (digging my nails in now) ~ "Your teenage mistress only knows four English words, remember, she's an illegal we imported from Guatemala you asshole? And why don't you think past a 6th grade level?? Don't you ever read anything besides Penthouse and comic books?!? God, why the hell did I marry you anyway???! I'm calling my mother!!!"

Yes, I know, awful, huh??!

So, you tell me, how am I supposed to reason with a man who doesn't even know the scientific names of his various bodily anomalies???

My Mother was right. I knew I should have aimed higher when I married him. Ugh.

Anyhoo...I finished the 8th grade, so I know what a birthmark is and I know what a melanocytic naevus is. They are two totally different things!!

A typical birthmark looks something like this:

Flat, unassuming, no distinct features (like hair or teeth). Can be easily hidden with make-up.

His so called birthmark is raised, has a distinct shape, is impossible to camouflage and has more hair on it than what he has left on the top of his head!

Heh, I jokingly call it my Weird Uncle Harry but in reality, it used to look like a young Colonel Sanders:

See what I mean? Hardly the same as a birthmark and far, far, far from being a BEAUTY mark!!

I will admit it, I am a bit vain, so I can understand his not wanting to accept that something so utterly hideous lives on his left ass cheek, but hey, we all have our little flaws, right??

I am also not ashamed to admit that I have a cute little (REAL) beauty mark on my own ass, and I've seen some unique birthmarks in my day, too. However, none of them were ANYTHING like that Colonel Chicken wannabe up there that is attached to him like some bizarre, mutated siamese twin that you'd expect to see on a medical freak show!!

I mean, let's be real here. We all know the difference, who can forget Gorbachev and his famous birthmark:





Or what about this little cutie pie and his uniquely adorable birthmark:



And here's a picture of my own distinct beauty mark, (I had the You Are Here tattoo added, just for fun!):



Now those, my friend, are beauty/birthmarks!

What he has is nowhere near as attractive or harmless, or hairless, or nameless for that matter.

OK, so even if by some remote chance it ever qualified as a birthmark, it would be something more of a horror film rendition of one:



The serial killing birthmark from my husband's left cheek.

Shiver!!

Which brings me back to my point. If he wants to be in denial that it's not a birthmark, fine, but with a melanocytic naevus you can never be too careful!

Any slight changes in size, or texture, or quality can be a sign of something very bad and you should see a doctor immediately, we all know this, right???

Right.

And let me tell you, the alarming changes that I noticed in his *ahem* 'birthmark' sent chills down my spine!! He'd be featured on the front page of every friggin Medical Journal out there if he'd just take both ass cheeks down to the doctor and stop being such a baby.

(Don't tell him, but I snapped a picture of his mutated hairy mole when he was getting in the shower this morning):




Frightening, I know!!

I do apologize, I know no one wants to look at that, but I did it just in case things turn out the way I think they will...I sent a copy to my lawyer and put one in the scrapbook mostly so the kids would know that I really didn't poison daddy or suffocate him with a pillow like I'm always joking about behind his back.

Sooo... if he wants to be in denial, I guess I'll just have to call the insurance guy and have him triple the already enormous life insurance policies I've taken out over the years on my soon to be 6 feet under hubby!! There's really nothing I can do at this point...well, heh, except load the travel agent's number into my speed dial. Maybe start looking at real estate...

Oh, I know what you're thinking! "Chelle B., you are taking this way too well. I'm worried about you!!".

Gosh, thanks!! You are so sweet, but please, don't worry about me!! I'll be more than fine, in fact, between you and me, I've always kinda planned to be a young widow anyway!! It's exciting, really.

Still, because you care so much, I care about you too, and just so you don't leave feeling queasy from worrying about me, I'll throw in another picture of this adorable little guy to offset the gory shot of my husband's (probably fatal) hairy, or rather Harry mole:




Say it with me ~ AWWWWWWW!!!!!

Is that not the cutest thing ever??

(Hmmm....I wonder if the people who own this little guy would sell him to me, after all it won't be long and I'll be rolling in the dough!!! Hooyah!!)

:p

Chelle B.

(Pssst...hey, don't be afraid to comment, I'm really not easily offended! Oh, and come see my newest blog The Offended American!! ;)