The "Just Say No!" Offensive

So um, no offense to blogging but I found a new favorite hobby.

It is so exciting, you really should try it! Not only does my new hobby give you a good work out, but you can do it with strangers and a lot of times you even get to do it with them while you are totally naked!

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking and no, my new hobby isn't that.

Man, do you always have to go there??!

Come on, we both know that isn't even a hobby! That is more of a necessity, don't you think?? I mean, heh, after food, water and shelter...I know that comes next in my list of things a human needs to survive.

Hooyah!

Well, to be honest, between you and me, I could even do without food and water if I just had shelter and that. And... I only require shelter because I live in Idaho and it's winter time, so ya know, without shelter I could die doing that!! In the summer, shelter gets bumped right off my list so I am really just left with that.

Then again, now that I think of it, is shelter really all that important at all? I mean, to die doing that wouldn't be all that bad, now would it?

Anyhoo...where was I again? Man, you always get me sidetracked with thoughts of that.

Oh yeah! I was telling you about my new hobby!!

It is fun, and lucky me, I learned it from the master:



That's my friend George, he's a professional protester.

Yep, protesting is my new hobby.

George has been beaten, tear-gassed and arrested 37 times in 12 different countries, he is friggin awesome at it. He actually turned me on to the whole protest scene and I can't imagine life without it now!

If you aren't a protester you are really missing out on some good times! And I don't just mean getting gassed and thumped with billy clubs, either!! Those are just extra benefits.

As a protester, the best part is that I get to meet the coolest people and hold the coolest signs and wear the coolest clothes (or none at all if it is a really good one!!!).

And, if it is really, really good, I get to meet even more of the coolest people inside of the coolest jail cells all around the world, too!! I know, it is cool.

Of course, it took a while to get the hang of it though, just like with any new hobby. At first I had no idea what I was doing.

My first protest ever was with these guys, who I guess were protesting some sort of nazi Illuminati world government agency that runs Hollywood and makes people wear funny hats or something.

They called it the "F.U.R."


I still don't know what exactly that was all about, but I just kinda watched and learned at that one.

At my second protest, though, I actually joined in because I think they were protesting the abuse of red paint, and I have always had strong feelings about that issue:

Well, OK, I didn't know I felt strongly about the abuse of red paint before that, but I sure do now!! You won't find me abusing it anymore. I only abuse other sorts of paint (fumes) now.

From there, though, I really became addicted to protesting all of the most important injustices going on out there in our sick and twisted world!!

Like here, I went to Canada and joined in on this protest against keeping Korean slaves:


That's right, it is a big issue up there in Canada, most people don't even know it though because they are too busy abusing red paint and letting the nazi Illuminati do mind control on them!!

That protest really opened my eyes to the poor enslaved Korean's feelings and touched me so much that when I got back home, I went right out and bought some wet dog food, a space heater, a bigger cage and lighter chains for my own Korean slaves, because dammit, they do deserve better treatment!!!

It paid off, too, my house is cleaner than ever before and you should see my lawn, it is like a friggin golf course now!! Hooyah.

Anyhoo...after the Korean slave protest, I actually made my first rookie mistake.

Hey, I know what you are thinking but don't worry about me, it's OK, it was bound to happen. Anytime you start a new hobby, you are going to make mistakes!

It's how you learn, right?

Mine was pretty bad one though, I am almost ashamed to even admit what happened. I thought I was joining in an anti-Republican protest because it looked like his sign said the "GOP HATES THE USA!".

I mean, it does, right?!!

Right.

Well...I should have been clued in when there were only two of us protesting while everyone else gave us dirty looks and yelled obscenities at us....and it wasn't until a few hours later that I noticed the T-shirt he gave me to wear said something totally different than what I thought his sign said, and um, well let me just say that it was not nearly as nice as the "GOP HATES THE USA"!!


Yes, of course I felt awful!!

Heh, especially after a gang of well dressed transexuals kicked my ass on the way home!!!

Boy did I learn my lesson!!

It didn't stop me though, it was definitely a good learning experience and I began choosing my protests a lot more carefully.

The next one I decided to join in on was probably the most fun, these people were crazy and taught me all about "the man" and how I should never allow myself to become enslaved to him like my housecleaning, landscaping Koreans were to me:



I know, they are so cool huh? I love those nutty bastards!!

And no, I don't mind if my neighbors think I am a little strange because I go out every morning with my red kilt and "NO WORK" t-shirt on and dance around in the street mocking them as they leave their houses to slave for "the man"!!

I am committed to the cause and someday I just know my efforts will pay off and they will abandon their jobs and join in with me, and we will all dance in the street in celebration!! I live for that day...

Anyhoo...I have become so good at protesting that I have actually begun to organize my own protests!!

That's right, some of the best ones on Fox News have been organized by moi and you probably aren't even aware of it!

Like this one:


Yep, that was one of mine!!

I did it because that is an issue that I feel very strongly about!! I'm sure you do, too, right?! We both know there are far too many stupid people in this world!!

Stupid idiots who do stupid things like: abuse red paint, support abusive nazi Illuminati organizations, abuse their own undeserving Korean slaves, allow themselves to be abused and enslaved by "the man" and far worse things, too!

You probably aren't aware of it, but stupid people are the root cause of all injustice in the world and there is nothing more important than the newest campaign that I have become involved in.

I took it upon myself to make sure you are informed of the most dangerous thing facing mankind, something far more nefarious than global warming even!!

Oh, hey, you don't have to thank me, I am just doing my job!

I do hope that you take the threat seriously and you join in with me to put an end to this evil and highly underreported social injustice perpetrated by the stupidest of stupid people who walk among us:

THAT'S RIGHT!

BOGARTING IS FRIGGING EVIL!!!

I am actually organizing a protest near you soon, so make sure you join in so we can put an end to bogarting once and for all, OK??

Oh, and hey, if you do come to join in, make sure you bring your own damn weed, because I am soooo not sharing mine with you!!!

:p

This post is bogarting the good stuff over at: