The "Oh, Bloody Hell!!" Offensive

Women are so misunderstood!!

That's right, I am going there, and I'm taking you with me!

I know... men like to get all offended and pretend that they are the victims in their imaginary 'battle of the sexes'.

I also know that they really do believe that they are the ones who are misunderstood, mistreated, and misdiagnosed as complete idiots who can't tie their shoes without a woman's help.

As much as I love men, (and find them useful for things ranging from shoveling snow to killing spiders), they are very mistaken about who is the most understood among us! That's right, I am not afraid to speak the truth about men, regardless if it offends more than a few of those of the penile persuasion!

Ladies, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., be careful! Men read your blog, and some of them could be nutters!!".

Hey, thanks, but don't you worry about me, I'm not completely crazy!! There is only one man who can read this AND knows my address, and he is already scared to death of me, so I'm good!! :)

Now then, I know from years of personal experience how very misunderstood my kind is.

Take for example my relationship with my very scared-into-submission-yet-still-very-misguided husband.

We are always like this, in real life:



I know, aren't we sickeningly cute??!!

Yet, despite our annoying happy-go-lucky appearance, for some unknown reason, for about a week every month, that sweet man of mine who leans to the right, acts like I become a whole different person!!

I don't know why. I'm with you, I don't have any idea what could make him so irrational!!

It really worries me, too. It must be some sort of a mental disorder that only men can get, because every woman I know says their men go through the same thing every month, too!!

I mean, it's sad, really. We women are sooooo lucky to be sooooo consistently mentally stable, unlike all these crazy-for-a-week-every month men we have to live with.

For example, at our house, I honestly see myself like this all of the time, no matter what time of the month:

Yes, I am that cute and easy to get along with all month, every month, without exception.

But, because of this male-pattern delusional disorder brought on by enlarged testosterone glands or something, for some unknown and completely unreasonable reason, every month for about a week, my otherwise very attentive and loving husband sees me like this:

I know!! I feel sorry for me too! Yes, it does suck to have the man you love think of you like that!!

But, as bad as it is for me, I am just glad I don't have a penis, though!! I think that my mother was right, those things compete for brain cells and simultaneously drain the oxygen from a man's brain and causes this delusional break from reality. Poor men!

So, since it really isn't his fault for being born of the penile persuasion, and me being the sweet and loving wife that I am, all month long, I am dedicated to sticking this out with him.

That's right. I took that whole "in sickness and in health and all that stuff" very seriously. The only thing that I would ever leave him for is the poor and not rich thing, but hey, he knew that about me going in to this when he mail-ordered me from Russia!!

I was very up front about my ulterior motivations in my catalogue profile.

So, anyhoo...I always know when his little "episodes" are starting, too.

First, he gets that deer in the headlight look in his eyes, then he starts to act all scared and then, without warning, for reasons only his poor testosterone injected brain cells can rationalize, he goes off and isolates himself twenty feet down, deep inside the labyrinth of the underground bunker that he built for himself and his friends out of reinforced titanium.

I can scream until I am hoarse, and beat on the door day and night until my little knuckles are just raw and bloody... but he still will not listen to reason!! I've tried burning all of his clothes, selling all of his tools, driving his truck off a bridge, but...nothing brings him out!

Even the homemade bombs I've tried will not open that door, curse him and his engineering degree!!

Anyhoo...it wasn't always like this. When we were younger, things were much tamer. During these episodes, he'd just drop me off barefoot at our "special place" and then go off into his delusional, testosterone driven, self pity festival at the local strip bars for a week:

That's where he proposed to me, actually.

But the whole underground bunker thing really only came about after he mistakenly misunderstood my very thoughtful and very innocent birthday gift one year.

I spent hours researching just the perfect gift online and finally bought him this really nice, hand crafted Korean back scratcher.

But, I think he mistook it for some sort of medieval torture/male castration device! It doesn't even remotely resemble one:

I'm not sure how he could think such a thing, or think so badly of me, but it was during "that time of the month", so he really wasn't in his right mind, the poor guy.

Well, and I guess it didn't help that at the time I gave it to him I was finishing up the chapter on Korean torture/male castration devices in my best-selling book:

Yes, I know, you would think after all these years he would know that I am just not the crazy woman (who would turn all men into eunuchs) that he thinks I am during his monthly delusional departure from reality!

Ugh, I know what you are thinking and if he wasn't so handsome and so rich, I'd really consider leaving. The pressure is a lot for me to bear! I can't tell you how many times I've had to turn to Jesus the taco truck driver for all night consolation....

Oh, hey... I apologize, but I better cut this short. I just noticed him heading out to the bunker with his suitcases, and this time he has really went off the deep end because took all of the male animals in our house and barn with him, including our billy goat!!

Poor guy!! I better go after him. Damn, and my knuckles have barely healed from last month's round of insanity!!

But hey, don't you worry about me, I'll be just fine!! This month I bought some brass knuckles and a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook so I think I'm good, but wish me luck just in case, ok?

Thanks!! :)

This post is devising ways to humanely castrate all of those of the penile persuasion to get them out of their testosterone induced misery over at: