So recently I submitted a blog-review to a website which shall remain nameless until I get my review back.
Hey, I don't want you running over there and seeing the results before I do!
Plus, I know how you feel about me and I wouldn't want you to do something you'll regret out of revenge to the nice people over at _____-____.___ if my review comes back badly.
Which, in all likelihood it will. The reviewers over at _____-____.___ are a pretty tough bunch, and lately it seems like they have been sporting some extra large offending-arse-sticks, so I am not holding out hope that they will have mercy on me when it comes to my turn!
Do I care though?
Ha!
Knowing them, I can already imagine how it will go:
Too long? Please!!
She just wishes she knew as many words as I do. Her and her four word posts are so not funny!!
She doesn't fool me, either. I know what she did to get such a high review on her own blog over at _____-____.___ and she is just damn lucky that I refuse to lower myself like that ever again.
That's right, I am not ashamed to admit that GNR group didn't give me the first perfect 10 they had ever given out just to reward me for my "awesome blog design" and "even better writing style".
Hooyah!
Anyhoo.... where was I? Oh yeah. My blog review over at _____-____.___ ! See, they mean so little to me over there that I've practically forgotten about them!
Next, there will be this guy who thinks he is somehow qualified to review my blog because he has a humor blog.
Pfft... we all know that he scrapes all of his material from that idiotic stoopidjokes.org:
Give me a break!! He knows that picture is funny as hell or he wouldn't have posted it himself!
Heh, where do you think I stole it from?
Oh, and I don't even need to comment on this next guy who will be "grading" my work as a "professional humor-blog reviewer":
Yeeeeeah, we all know that he still lives with his mommy and wears a diaper, so who can take him seriously?
I mean, just because he is one of the top contributors over at _____-____.___ doesn't impress me a bit!!
Hey, write your own damn blog if you want to impress me diaper boy!
The same goes for this next guy who thinks he is an expert just because he scored one the highest reviews ever over there and gets 800 comments on every single post:
Pffft. He is such a gobshite.
Too many feckin' Irish curse words my arse.
Is there even such a thing??
Ha! He's probably just jealous that I know more international curse words than he does.
The next thing you know, we'll be seeing feck, and arse, and gobshite on his blog and he'll pretend like he started the fad.
What a fecker!!
Anyhoo.... finally, there will be some grammatically incorrect and highly negative commentary from this guy:
Bwahahahaha! Uh, no comment. :)
Alright, I admit it, I deserve that. But he's just mad that I hijack all of his threads and spam his shout box with Irish curse words over at BC. Big sissy.
Hey, I can't help it if he is such an easy target! And it's not like he's special, I annoy everyone over there in the exact same way! Ask the administrators, they know.
Anyhoo.... so with that group of winners judging me over at _____-____.___, you can see why I really don't care that my review will come back with a "humorously" low score. I'll just laugh it off.
Those people and their opinions mean nothing to me!!
Nope!
Not a thing.
I know I'm funnier than all of them, and my opinion is the only one that matters, anyway!
Hell, to be honest, I don't even care what you think of my blog, so why should I care what they think of it?!!
OK, you're right, who am I kidding?
Ugh. Why did I even do this to myself? My self esteem is already as low as it can get after no one commented on my last twelve posts!!
Why do I even bother?!?!
You know, I should probably just give up, delete my blog and then burn down my house with my computer in it so I will never, ever be able to blog again! Then I'll burn down the libaray so I can't use their computers, either. If my friends and neighbors offer to let me use their computers, I'll burn down their houses too!!
I really have no choice, someone has to protect me from me! It's the only way.
Yep. That's what I'm gonna do as soon as I am done with this post.
Man, this really sucks, I am going to miss my blog, and my house, and the library. I'm almost sure my friends and neighbors will miss their houses, too!!
Frigging _____-____.___ and their free blog reviews.
Well I just hope they are happy with themselves over there, and I hope they have a good lawyer because I am going to sue their asses off for all the mental anguish I'm about to inflict upon myself!!
By the time it's over, I'll own that _____-____.___ and they'll all have to come and beg me to give them blog reviews!!
Ha!! Won't that be "funny"?!
Yeah, I know what you're thinking:
"Chelle B., don't be so hard on yourself! Screw them! You have many loyal and adoring fans. Just think of how much we would miss you!!"
Aww, you are so nice! I almost feel the same way about you!! Yeah, I do have some great fans, like you, and this guy:
OK, so he just found my blog five minutes ago, but still, he thinks I am funny!! I guarantee he'll be back to ROFLOL again. Or at least to LOL.
Oh, and what about kidraper69? He thinks I am a 12 year old boy so he totally loves me!!
Yeah, I make him ROFLHFAO all the time!! (Hmmm....I think the F stands for furry but I'm not sure).
OK, I know he is currently on trial for molesting a battalion of cub scouts in Alaska, but hey, they have internet access in prisons nowadays and I bet you a million dollars that no matter how it turns out, he will always be a HUGE fan of mine.
HUGE. Possibly the BIGGEST. Ever.
Hopefully they'll give him some clothes there, though because he kinda creeps me out.
Oh, speaking of clothes, let's not forget my one and only Montana fan:
Ha! That funny, constipated bastard.
He likes to pretend that he doesn't know me, but between me and you, I drove all the way up there and bought him a computer just last week! I even set the remote access on his system to where I can log into his computer from here and click my blog open for him!
That's right, and I do it at least twenty times a day so I know he is a fan.
But you know.... even if him and kidraper69 didn't love me, and even if you weren't such a loyal subscriber to my offenses, and even if the people over at _____-____.___ with their large offending-arse-sticks don't like me and even if they give me the worst review ever, it really doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things.
That's right, you all pale in comparison to my biggest and bestest fan of all:
That's right. Jesus loves me, so what else can I ask for?
Well, except for maybe some extra jalapenos on my taco....
Or for some of his special "Mexican incense" if he hasn't sold it all to the school kids already.
Or for him to pay a visit to _____-____.___ and rough them up a little if they give me a crappy blog review.
Or...
Hey, I'm kinda hungry now so I'm gonna head over to see Jesus and grab a taco. Do you want me to bring you back something??
:p
This post is standing in line waiting for a review over at Jesus' taco truck, which is parked in front of the headquarters of humor-blogs.com.
22 Offensive Comments:
You know, Offended, all was good until you had to go and show the FAT-ass. Thanks for that visual I could have done without! (Now, the white trash dude on the pot is really sort of cute, if you can get past the trailer and the fact that he's wearing sandals to take a dump) Do you happen to have his number? I wasn't sure if this was just a pic you took off the net, or if it was a neighbor or something.
I can't wait to see what you say when they have reviewed you ;)
TBE ~ haha I'll hook you up with that guy, he's my brother. :p
Alison ~ Now that I think of it I can't remember if I even submitted my blog for review over there... :)
There are those who create and those who feed on the creations - don't EVER give them a free meal:)
Longer posts, more nouns, more Irish curse words and tie the review sites to a palm tree and play hurricane with them. I quite like your work, I show it to people I want to offend to save me time and effort. If I were to review your blog I'd give you all the Oreo's that I have left, and it's not often I review that high.
OK so I'm the new kid on the block. Heck, we're supposed to submit our blogs for reviews? Guess I'll be up shatz crik. Gonna be even harder to come up with funny blogs now that I've had to gouge my eyes out. That's also making it difficult for me to google hit men looking for someone to take out Mr FatNakedDude. But you're a funny lady so now that I'm blind I'll just have to get someone to read me your blogs. :P
Frank ~ Wow, that is really wise, and true and I will probably be using it and pretending I made it up myself haha. :)
BT ~ I am honored that you would give me your last Oreo, I know how much they mean to you!! ;)
Wamblings ~ Oh, unfortunately my posts are only funny with the corresponding photos so you better get your eyes fixed ASAP. :p
Go ahead, I double dog dare you to use those same offensive naked photos in a THIRD post!
VE ~ haha how'd you know I was already thinking up a third installment of Mr. Fatty and Mr. Constipated?!! :o
feh. phuquing reviewers. speaking of which, I want YOU! to go leave an offensive comment on THIS THREAD:
http://libdrone.info/2008/01/writing-contest-win-3000-ec/
there maybe some money in it for ya;)
you are very funny...I saw you over at ANok's blog...this is Enigma of Watergate Summer...
I now must check your other blogs as well.....( International Drunk looks interesting...)
Let me know if I can add you to my blogroll....
Anybody who can use 'arse' in a post rocks, as far as I'm concerned....LOL LOL
Alan ~ All reviewers pale in comparison to you!! You are the nicest, handsomest, bestest fecking reviewer EVAR!!
(you are still doing reviews, right?) :p
Enigma ~ Of course you can add me to your blog roll, I only charge a very low hourly fee. Overhead, you know! :)
Drowsy ~ *yawn* Oh, I'm sorry, your name reminded me it is bed time but thanks soooooo much for being an arse fan too!! Arse kicks...well, ARSE! ;)
Gobshite?!
That's awesome. How many other Irish swear words could you teach me?
Who cares what anyone else says, its your blog to fuck everyone else
Dale
http://dzrbenson.com/blog/
Every time I read your blog, a scene from Freeway pops into my head...you know the one, where Reese Witherspoon says "You cut my hair you fecker!"
I love that movie.
Well feck you and yer feckin blog anyway - who wants humor from a plastic ballerina?
Oh, wait, ninjas are supposed to love that shit, aren't they? Damn, I take it all back (but I'm still thinking it!)
you do tend to go overboard with the nouns...
I'm sorry but I must say I'm pretty offended by how many gross Irish adjectives you use.
Remind me to never let you know where I live. You might need to burn my house down so you won't be tempted to ask me for some computer time.
Garg ~ Gosh, I was hoping you could teach me some cool South African ones!! :)
Dale ~ Yes, I agree! :)
Anok ~ LOL! Do you do ninja training with that mouth? Uh, wait..that sounds wrong somehow. Hmm... :p
Jeremy ~ I will drop the nouns altogether in my next post. I'll just put your name where each noun should be. :)
Ernie ~ You know, your mom warned me that my blog would offend you and I TRIED to get her to ground you but she never listens to me! :p
Tim ~ Hey, um, your birthday is coming up and I want to send you a card, can I get your address? :)
I could teach you Seffrikan ones, but they are REALLY offensive. I think it's worse than Russian swearing.
We have a saying: swore at me so much that the ocean won't wash me clean.
You can find some Afrikaans swearing here:
http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/afrikanns.htm
Don't say I didn't warn you!
Yes I do Offended, and my husband is mighty appreciative of all my training....
It's too early to be this gross LOL.
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