The "The Tacos From Hell" Offensive

So, you know that song by the Doobie Brothers, “Jesus is Just Alright With Me”?? Ugh, I hate that song now! It is such a lie!!

That’s right, Jesus so isn’t alright with me. I think I hate him more than that song, even, and as soon as I possibly can, I am so getting a new taco truck driver!!

Yep, you heard me. I will never eat another taco made by Jesus as long as I live!!

Ever.

Not even if he begs me.

Or puts extra, extra jalapeños on it.

Ha! I probably won’t even buy nearly as much of his sticky, imported “incense” after what he has done to me, either!

OK, I know what you are thinking:

“But Chelle B., what could he possibly have done to make you say all this? I thought he is your #1 fan?!”

Well, believe me, so did I!

But you tell me, did he come by and leave a nice comment on my RIP post like you did?

No! Did he even notice that I was dead?

Ha! Not until he realized how much my tab was and sent his boys looking for me to ‘pay up or else’!

Is he a bastard who ruined my life?

Yes he is and I don’t forget things like this.

I’m sure being the bastard that he is, he would blame me, though, since I’m the one who sent my hubby down to pick up some of these for me today:



Yummmm! I know!!

They are the bestest fecking tacos ever!!

Well, heh, they were, before that Jesus bastard ruined my life!!

Can you believe that it took my hubby three hours to bring those back to me and, to top it off, not only were the tacos cold, but Jesus “supposedly” forgot to get extra jalapeños too!

He NEVER forgets that. He knows all too well how much I like them. So when I heard that, I just knew something was terribly wrong!

It all went downhill from there, too.

Apparently, my usually obedient and accommodating husband had accidentally mentioned something to Jesus about how I have a bit of a hard time dealing with his monthly hormonal mood swing disorder and how he responds by hiding in his bunker, and Jesus told him something that changed all of our lives forever:

Yes, can you believe that taco-making bastard actually said that?!!

Or that my husband actually believed it??

Well Jesus said it and hubby believed it and so now just look at where it has left me:

That’s right, and the worst part is, it isn’t even ‘that time of the month’!!

As he was packing my stuff and carrying me out here, my hubby said that Jesus told him all about how he has the right to put me in the bunker, and that he has the right to drive my car off a bridge and throw my clothes out into the yard, and destroy all of my favorite things… and Jesus even said that he could take every female animal we own and lock them in here with me!!

He also told him to remember to turn the lock around on the door so I can’t escape.

So now, it is me, the cat, one of the dogs, and our nanny goat all locked up in here like a bunch of crazy people!! How fair is that??

Heh, lucky for my daughter that I lost track of time and forgot about picking them up from school today:

You know me, I don’t normally do that, but I’m glad I did or she would be trapped in here with me right now, too!!

So, did I mention that I hate Jesus AND his tacos now??

Oh, and did I mention that I also hate the Doobie Brothers and their stupid song?? I hate my husband too, but don’t tell him that because if he thinks I feel that way he will never let me out of here!!

The worst part is, he drilled a peep hole for me so I could see out and added a one way speaker so I could hear him singing to me all damned day:

I guess Jesus taught him how to make a life-sized pinata of me, too, because now he is out there all day, right where I can watch, using ‘pinata me’ for target practice, singing that stupid #$%! song! Does he have to be so happy doing it??

Ugh!!!!

Oh, hey, thanks for listening, I feel better knowing that you feel sorry for me.

It’s all I really want from you, anyway.

Hell, he didn’t even let me bring a cell phone or a computer in here, but being the evil genius I am, I rigged up a make-shift laptop using some old stuff lying around in here just so I could let you know how abused I am and get your sympathy!

You are my new #1 fan!!!

And, as soon as I get out of here, I am so finding a new taco truck guy! Miguel and his cute Swedish boyfriend run one on the other side of town, I bet they will give me the respect and sympathy I deserve.

Because if I haven’t mentioned it, Jesus is such a bastard.

I hate him. I really do.

I do kinda miss him, though.

And his tacos.

They are the best.

Ever.

:*(