The "Vengeance is Mine!!" Offensive

So you know that old saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman locked in a bunker while her husband shoots arrows at a pinata target that looks like her and sings 'Jesus is just alright with me' all day."??

That's right, and I made up a new one to go with it: "Vengeance is mine sayeth Chelle B.!!!".

Yep, and nobody is better at vengeance OR fury than I am.

Nobody!! Heh, just ask Jesus! :)

Oh, wait, I almost forgot, you can't!!!

I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you didn't! That poor Jesus!!".

Please! How can you feel sorry for that bastard after what he did to me?! Heh, he is just lucky it was so quick and almost painless:

That's right! It wasn't so quick and almost painless for his taco truck though. It took them a few days to put that fire out, mostly because that sticky imported "incense" made the firemen feel a little um, "disoriented" and I'm sure the smell of roasted jalapenos didn't help either!!

Bwahahaha!

Hey, don't give me that look. Jesus got what he deserved! No, I do not feel a bit guilty. There are at least 4 other taco trucks within a mile of my house who could use some business!

That's right! No guilt at all.

None.

Nada.

If Jesus were here right now, I'd say "Goodbye you taco-slinging, "incense" importing, woman-hating bastard! See if I even show up with our kids to your funeral after what you did to me!"

And: "See if I miss your tacos or your extra jalapenos or our all night confession sessions...."

Ugh!

Oh alright!! I admit it, I didn't really kill Jesus or burn down his taco truck. I did plan it though, but as soon as I got down there he was so nice and had my tacos all ready for me with extra, extra jalapenos and everything!! You and I both know how I am about extra jalapenos, too. It is my one weakness.

Well, and he also said something with that cute little accent of his that made my heart just melt:

OK, he said it in Spanish and I don't speak Spanish well, so I thought he meant I deserved "better" and it seemed sooooo nice at the time!

Hell, It must have been hours before I woke up and realized that I was tied up in the back of his taco truck, headed for Mexico!

I mean, it wasn't the first time he had surprised me like that, so silly me, I still thought he was just being nice:

I mean, call me naive, but I honestly believed he was taking me south of the border to finally give me what I REALLY deserved. He had promised it a million times, usually during our "all night confession sessions", so I'm sure you can understand why I took it to mean something like this:

Of course, I know from experience that things never look as good as the brochure, but his idea of paradise was ridiculous!!!

My beach front condo wasn't anywhere near as nice as I had imagined it would be:

Ha! I figured things out pretty quickly though.

Lucky for me they don't make their bunkers out of reinforced titanium down here in Mexico, and even luckier for me that Jesus didn't bother to shut or lock the door! It only took me two days to figure out what was going on and find my way out of there, and let me tell you... I was pretty pissed off by the time I realized that I was in the middle of the desert with no beach close by or no food or water or no Jesus to scream Irish curse words at or to demand a ride home from!

I mean, he didn't even stick around to shoot arrows at a pinata me or anything!

See?!! I tried to tell you he is a bastard and you think I am exaggerating everything and always take his side and feel sorry for Jesus!

That really hurts me, you know. :*(

Well, anyhoo.... lucky for me that after almost a week of wandering aimlessly in that barren wasteland that they call 'paradise' on the Travel Channel I found this mission:

Yep, that's my new home, isn't it great?!!

Well, it's actually bigger than it looks, there are hundreds of us living here and we are all very happy! I never want to go back to Idaho, I've learned sooooo much here.

Important things like: how to let go of my anger and forget all about my quest for vengeance, how to love Jesus with my whole heart and soul again, how to weave baskets and tell the difference between "more" and "better" in Spanish, and.... heh, well a lot of other really useful things!

I owe it all to my new best friend, too. She's the first one I met here at the mission:

That is Sister ummm... dang.... well, I can't remember her name right now but believe me, she is great! Believe it or not, she is actually one of my old neighbors from Idaho who we all just assumed had run off with some serial killer guy she met online!

I know!! What a small world, huh?!

Apparently, I wasn't the first one Jesus had decided 'deserved more' than what her American husband had given her! That silly bastard, he is such a great guy!!

Yes, you heard me, Jesus is just alright with me!!

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be down here with all my Sister friends living the Mexican dream!! Sadly, I'll probably never see him again, but I will never forget him, either. He really changed my life for the best.

Usually just after harvest, I do wish his taco truck was a little closer, though:

Oh well, you know what they say, "Sometimes you just have to sacrifice a few things in order to find true happiness in life."!!

But hey, if you ever need some REALLY GOOD sticky, imported "incense", just let me know!

I can totally hook you up. Hooyah!!

:p

This post in on a mission over at humor-blogs.com

Pssst... you get a discount on the sticky "incense" if you stumble me: