The "Deliverance" Offensive

Hey, um, no offense if you are a fan of Chelle B., but uhh, she just left in my monster truck to go get some tacos and I don't have much time before she comes back so I'll make this quick.

Being of the penile persuasion and all, I normally wouldn't ask anyone for help, but damn, I've been chained this bed of rusty nails now for... well, for however long it has taken for my own rust colored toenails to grow to such an obscene length that I can finally reach across the room and use them to type this pathetic plea for help out to you on her computer!!

Yeah, I know.

It IS disturbing.

Hey, just be glad that you aren't me!

You could be the poor bastard who has had to lay here, day in and day out, just wishing you could twist your foot around enough so that the grotesque, keratinized appendages that you've sharpened into a prison quality shivs by filing them against the concrete wall of your cold, barren cell would pierce clean through your jugular and end your miserable freaking existence that used to be your somewhat normal and occasionally enjoyable life!!!!

Ugh!

Hey, don't give me that look.

No, I'm not exaggerating, do you want pictures of my toenail shivs as proof?!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Come on now, Chelle B. isn't like that, I know because I'm her #1 fan and she only pretends to be evil!!".

Oh, believe me, I've been watching and I know that she has you convinced that she is really like this:




Between you and me, I used to be her #1 fan, too!!

I admit it, I should have known what I was getting into, but the mind-blowing sex we used to.. I mean still have.. uh, well, it uh... heh.

It makes me think this is all worth it and umm, hey, maybe I don't have it as bad as I thought!! Let me tell you, she does things that are still illegal in the seediest brothels in Bangkok!

Hooyah!!

That's right, and she does look like an angel when she...

Oh wait, what the hell am I saying?!!

See what I mean? She is an angel alright, from the very bowels of the abyss, that is.

Like this:

She wears that outfit quite a bit, and it makes it hard for me to think straight.

Damn.

That actually reminds me of the time she took a...

Ugh, there I go again!!!

You're right, I will need a lot of therapy once I finally get out of this hellhole.

There may not even be a therapist out there qualified enough to help me get past all the years I've spent being forced into submission by this:

I know.

Friggin' scaaaary!

So why don't I leave her?!

Well, to be honest, I've actually tried to leave a few times over the years, but she always catches me, and each time she became a bit more insistent that I stick around. For example, she did this to me the first time I tried escaping:

Yeah! With my own frigging duct tape, too. Talk about a blow to my male ego.

Ugh.

She warned me that she wouldn't be as nice the next time, but I didn't believe her, and well, let's just say it was a lesson that I'll never forget:


Yeah, but she makes that crazy bitch look like frigging Mary Poppins!

By the time it was over, I wished it was only my ankles that were broken:


Alright, so I admit it, I enjoyed the rough sex we had during that beating, but still, it just wasn't right.

It all went downhill from there, too.

Eventually, our bedroom turned into this:


Yep, and that's where I am right now.

She soundproofed it and told everyone I ran off with my teenage Guatemalan mistress. They believed her, too, so I have nobody to turn to.

I already gave up on the dog ever helping me get out of here:

Little bastard.

I guess I can't blame him, really, she is a crazy bitch!!

So anyhoo... either I wait for my toenails to grow long enough for me to be able to use them to saw through these restraints and then tunnel my way out of here, or maybe you and some of the guys over at humor-blogs.com could come over with a tranquilizer gun, a pair of bolt cutters and a couple of industrial blow torches?

Oh, and a six pack of beer would be nice, too.

Not the cheap shit, though.

Hey, you better hurry, she should be back any minute.

In fact, I'm surprised she hasn't alrea....