You know, I don't know why, but I get a bit offended when people don't like me. I mean, what the hell is there not to like?! I'm funny, smart, beautiful, a bit narcissitic, somewhat demanding, borderline sociopathic, mildly annoying and very, very persistent.
What exactly is there not to like?!!
Everyone should like me, dammit!!!
There really is no valid excuse not to.
Lately, though, I've been a bit obsessive about getting this guy to like me, he is my cranky old bastard of a neighbor who hates everyone:
See what I mean?
OK, so I know he is a cranky old bastard who hates everyone, but why doesn't he like me?!!
Everyone should like me, including that cranky old "I hate everyone!" bastard.
Really, just who the hell does he think he is to not like me?!
Ugh.
I am likeable so everyone should like me!!
Especially him because I've been trying really hard to get that cranky old bastard to like me, but nothing seems to work!!
I even did this just to make him laugh a bit and like me the other day:
Did he laugh and start to like me??
Hell no!
He just stormed off and called me a "crazy bitch", instead.
I know. :(
I would have laughed and liked him if he had done that for me!!
Ugh.
In fact, I thought it was funny and he doesn't know it but I actually grew to like him more when he retaliated by planting this in my yard:
He doesn't know how much I loved it, even though I knew he was doing it to be mean.
Because he doesn't like me. :(
You know me, I don't give up that easily!!
A few weeks ago I thought I changed his mind toward me when I sent this strip-o-gram to him down at the Old People Fun Center during bingo hour:
Not only did he NOT like them or the Depends or the industrial sized bottle of Viagra, he told all his friends down there that I was a "crazy bitch" and then sent a cop to my door with a restraining order against me!!!
So apparently, it didn't work and he still doesn't like me.
Thanks, I feel sorry for me too. :(
I mean, I don't know why he got mad, everyone else down there at the Old People Fun Center thought it was funny!!
At least they all like me now.
Hooyah!! :)
But I am still not happy because he doesn't, and I just can't let him not like me!!
So then, a few days ago, in another attempt to get him to like me, I took out a full page ad in the local paper with this just for him:
You're right, I bet his friends down at the Old People Fun Center loved it and like me even more now!! :)
But still, it doesn't make me feel any better because I don't know if he likes me yet. I haven't seen or heard from him since it ran in the paper, so for a while I thought maybe he saw it and laughed so hard at it that he actually died!!
Now that would be sad, but very, very funny.
At least I would know he would have died liking me!! :)
I don't think he really died though, and I don't think he really likes me yet because I noticed this morning he is having his house resided and the workers are adding this to the side that faces me:
Yeah, I know!!
I just wish I had thought of it! Maybe he would have laughed and liked me if I had!
In fact, when they are done I am hiring them to put a big wrinkly old penis in my siding with his initials on it, right up there on the side of my house that faces him.
Then, I'll pay one of the workers to have sex with me in his yard and I'll cry out, "OH YES! GIVE IT TO ME YOU OLD CRANKY BASTARD!!!".
I mean, if that doesn't make him laugh and like me, nothing will, right?!
Hmmm... actually, if that doesn't work, I could always sneak over and replace the flowers in his garden with pot plants and then call the cops to investigate!!
They would probably put him in prison and then I can be his pen pal and I'd send him 27 letters a day that all say:
"Dear Cranky Old Bastard,
Do you like me now?!?
If not, I have other ideas to make you like me when you get out of prison!!
Don't worry, I will water your flowers in your garden while you are gone.
Love,
Chelle B.".
If he sat in prison with nothing but my funny letters it would have to make him like me, don't you think?!
I do.
Because, really, everyone should like me.
I mean, you like me, don't you?!
:)
11 Offensive Comments:
Listen
You don't have to hire a worker to have sex with you in cranky bastards yards.
I'll do it for free!
I'll see you.... tomorrow around 3 pm, say?
I like you so much that I in fact HATE you!
:)
Heck I will do the sex thing for free too.
But before Mike, I don't want sloppy seconds.
I had a neighbor that didn't like me, and offered the sex thing to change that.
Problem is, he took me up on it.
I'm still sore...and my farts no longer make any noise.
He brings this up at our block parties.
The wife hates that.
Seeing FUCK OFF in flowers made me smile. Thank you. I needed that.
Call me creepy, but I was admring the bush-trimming art displayed in this picture when I noticed something peculiar. Look at the crotch of the old man's shorts. Go ahead, look again. Its, like...worn out. Maybe its not that he doesn't like you, maybe he just wants a new pair of shorts.
haha, i said "bush-trimming."
Maybe you should have sent Jesus over with some tacos!
@ Mike ~ I waited and waited and you never showed up!! WTF!?! :p
@ Claire ~ Awwww, you know I'd let you have me before Mike. He probably wouldn't mind, either. ;)
@ Mooooooooog ~ Yes, I can see why your wife might be uncomfortable about the whole situation!! Then again, I wonder how she puts up with most of your crap *snickers*! :)
@ Jeanette ~ I am so happy you appreciated that!!! Olga actually sent that to me and the animated version is better. You get to watch the flowers grow and say FUCK OFF!! :D
@ Pappy ~ ROFL!! How did I miss that little detail?! :p
@ Etta ~ Hehehe... I love it! Jesus needs a little place in my sidebar, I wish I knew someone who could draw me my own original version of him!! :D
If that old dude really did have gonorrhea, he only would have needed a Chewbacca antibiotic Pez dispenser like mine.
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