So, no offense but I am a bit grumpy and I just hate everything today!! (Well, everything but you, because you are my #1 fan, of course! ;)
I will admit, I may have a *bit* of a problem controlling myself when I get grumpy. Once in a while I do some very not-nice things to try to make myself feel better.
Like one time I did this to my hubby's car after he forgot to put the lid down on the toilet:
I also did this to my neighbor's mailbox when she didn't wave at me, but only one time:
Oh, and one time I did this to our house when I was too grumpy to clean it:
Oh, and there were those two times when I got so mad at the tourists who come here and drive so frigging slow and never tip anyone and wear socks with their stupid sandals and think it is cute to try to pet the buffalo, that I did this:
Stupid $%^!ing tourists!
Hey, don't defend them, it is all their fault that it happened twice!!
Well, maybe it is a bit my fault.
OK, so maybe I made up the whole tourists pissing me off thing and I just enjoyed blowing up Yellowstone.
Hey, I can't help it if explosions are fun or that I am so good at creating them!!! Or that Yellowstone blows up so nicely.
Hooyah!!
Anyhoo... like I was saying, sometimes I just can't control myself when I get grumpy and today is actually one of those days. In fact, I am even grumpier today than I was on all those days combined!!
OK, I know what you are thinking: "Chelle B., you are always so cheery and have such a rosy disposition, much like Mary Poppins! Why in the world are you so grumpy?!".
Well, since you asked, and since I know you are the only one who really and truly cares, I am sooooo very, very, VERY grumpy today because I didn't sleep at all last night.
Because I miss my favorite, most bestest and most comfy pillow ever.
Because my not-nice-and-very-mean hubby stole it from me and gave it to the stupid, @#%^! dog yesterday!!!
Yeah.
:*(
Why would he do that?!
Because he is not-nice-and mean, that's why!!
He said it was just because my pillow was 1,200 years old and it weighed like 50 lbs more than when I bought it because it was full of dust mites and those were making me wake up with my eyes watering and my nose stuffy every day so he felt like he had no choice but to get rid of it and give it to the dog!
Yeah.
:*(
Now you tell me, does this look like a face that deserves or would appreciate the comfort of my most comfy and favorite pillow:
Of course not!!!!
Heh, she isn't even that cute in real life, it is just an act for the camera. She is really just mean, like he is. She also bites me when no one is looking.
Yeah.
:*(
Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!!
I mean, I don't want to do stuff like blow up Yellowstone, or run cars into poles, or smash mailboxes, or destroy houses!
I just want my $%^!ing pillow back!
I don't even care if it smells like dog now or if it is crawling with a whole colony of these:
Really, I mean they aren't that gross!
I can't even see them so why would I care if I inhale their nasty carcasses and fecal waste at night while I drool on my favorite pillow?!
And what do I care if I am allergic to them and they are killing me slowly?!
Heh, I can live with my eyes watering until they practically bleed and my nose getting so stuffy that I can't breathe all day! It is all worth it for my bestest, most favorite feather pillow and the comfort it brings, dammit!!
Ugh.
So then... to add insult to injury, my not-nice hubby comes home last night with not one, but SIX new feather pillows AND a new feather comforter AND a new mattress AND a new headboard in a pathetic attempt to make me feel better about taking my pillow away:
I know! What a jerk, huh.
Believe me, I ask myself all the time why I take such abuse from him! I must just be sick because secretly I think I enjoy it or something.
Anyhoo... I pretended to be all happy but in the middle of the night after he was asleep, I snuck downstairs to steal back my beloved mite infested, smells-like-a-dog, most favorite pillow, and guess what?!
It was no where to be found!!
I mean, the dog was there sleeping peacefully on the couch where she isn't supposed to be, but I didn't even care because MY pillow was just... gone!!
Yeah.
:*(
Heh, for a minute, I actually thought maybe it missed me too, and had crawled upstairs to find me, but, noooo. It was gone forever.
When I looked outside this morning, this is what I see in the yard:
Yeah.
:*(
Well, you know me! I may take the good things lying down, but not this sort of thing, so as soon as my hubby left for work, I sold that stupid little not-worthy-and-not-so-cute-in-real-life-pillow-shredding dog to this guy:
That's right!
I don't feel guilty, either!
He said he wanted her just for a pet, but I think he really runs an evil laboratory and he will use her for all sorts of inhumane testing of toxic dog toys or something!
I hope so.
She deserves it because... it is all her fault that I miss my favorite pillow and can't steal it back, dammit.
Yeah!!
:*(
You can help cure my grumpiness and help me forget my beloved pillow by visiting:
17 Offensive Comments:
Tut tut, Chelle...
You shouldn't have to put up with all these inhumane tactics of war. It is abundantly clear that 'hubby dearest' places your happiness second to the dog's.
And the whole thing about not judging a doggy by it's cover (or something like that): so true. I mean, looking at the picture, I would never figure that dog had such a mean streak to him.
Not only did she deceive your husband and alienate his affections; not only did she wryly steal that which was rightfully yours, but she also had the nerve to pillownap your pillow, leaving mere stray feathers as proof.
Not good, Chelle.
Why is the whole world conspiring against you (with the exception of me, of course... your #1 fan) when all you want is some peace, quiet, and of course, your pillow?
So.. you open with "no offense" and yet this is the "offended blogger" and you're posting the "i hate everything today" offensive?
really.. you need to work on that.
Hammy ~ I knew I could count on you to understand! :p
Mephiston ~ Yes, I do need to make up my mind if I am offended or offensive, even though I clearly say I am "Blogging the offended and the offensive.." hehe :D
Poor offended! Why don't you come over tonight and I'll read you a bedtime story.
Feeling a tad grumpy, are we? Rickey recommends banannas. They release seratonin!
Ewww...you and my hubby both, keeping the nasty old pillows. Perhaps I should find EvilScientistMan, get a loaner on your former dog, and take care of his pillow too.
I think you may well have angered Cash with this post. Time will tell.
Can I hire you to hate my boss too?
Manic ~ A bedtime story about scooping up all my lovely mite-infested feathers and sewing a cover to put them back into and putting it under my head?! OK! :)
Rickey ~ Thank you but bananas are not the same as mite-infested pillows. Bananas are better in pies. :)
Texas ~ You leave your hubby and his pillow alone!!! :p
Angryman ~ Heh, I volunteered my own head to him. I am THAT grumpy today.
I miss my pillow! :*(
VE ~ Anything for you! :)
Great blog! You know the english channel? Yeah, I was so fucking pissed off at another shite art film and plate of cooked frogs...
Daniel ~ Thanks! I have BBC America, and for some reason I don't remember a show about cooked Frenchmen on a plate, but it does sound rather dull hehe. :D
Heavens! It certainly does not pay to anger you, m'dear.
Hell hath no fury etc, etc.
Wow, I'd hate to think how you'd react if your favorite blanket had been given to charity.
Stab everyone in the nearest Salvation Army with a plastic spork in the eyes perhaps?
Lord Likely ~ I know, and usually I am so not grumpy! This must come as an awful surprise! :D
Static ~ Shame on you for coming here and giving me ideas on what to do if my favorite blanket turns up missing! As if I need another evil genius to aide and abet me!! :p
You're missing the best revenge of all!
Just go steal your husband's pillow and you'll feel MUCH better.
hate hate hate
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