Well, since Mike Holmes seems to still be all offended and keeps renewing his restraining order against me, I've decided to find a new Mike to love. Lucky for me there are plenty of them out there, and that I happen to have the Discovery Channel!!
They have all the best Mike's on that channel.
It should be called Discover Mike Channel, really.
In fact, that's where I found this guy. He is my new and improved Mike:
Oh yeaaaah. Mike Rowe is my new Mike.
He is much handsomer than that easily offended Canadian handy man ever dreamed of being!
He may even be the most handsome Mike ever in the history of Mikes!! Well, at least the ones on that channel.
I mean, between you and me, who wouldn't love Mike Rowe and all those Dirty Jobs of his?!!
He is so funny and well, dirty, but he is dirty in a good way. He just cracks me up the way he laughs while he is sticking his arm up a cow's ass, or smiles while alligators are trying to eat him or makes jokes while he has raw sewage splashing all over him!!
Yep, what a great guy.
He has a nice voice, too. I think he also does another great show on there about deadly catches or something but I can't remember the name of it right now.
Anyhoo... lucky for me my hubby likes his show, too, so he didn't mind too much when I took down all the Mike Holmes stuff and redid our bedroom like this:
Ooooh and I can't wait for Mike Rowe to see it, too.
He will just love it when he gets here!
That's right he is coming over and I AM going to be on Dirty Jobs very, very soon!!
How do I know?
Heh, well, I kept seeing him ask for people to write in with a dirty job for him to do and you know me! Last week alone I sent out 1,247 letters to him with all sorts of dirty jobs that I have in mind for him to do at my place!
He has gotten at least one of them. I know this for a fact because he already sent me back an autographed picture of himself:
Well, so he forgot to sign it, but it was so funny that I forgave him!
That just made me even more determined to get him to my house, so I sent out another 1,247 letters again yesterday!! It won't be long now before he is at my door.
We can talk about all the dirty jobs I have for him in there in my new Mike Rowe bedroom!
OK, I know what you're thinking.
"Chelle B., please don't tell me that the dirty job you have for Mike Rowe is performed in your Mike Rowe decorated bedroom because I don't think they will put that on the Discovery Channel!".
Ugh. Do you always have to go there??
Of course the dirty jobs I have in my mind for him aren't in the bedroom!
OK, so there was that one dream I had, but Mike Holmes was there too and then Jesus showed up with some tacos and um, well let me just say...
Hooyah!! :)
Anyhoo... I am all flustered now, where was I again?
Oh yeah!!! Mike Rowe and his Dirty Jobs.
So I have been making sure that I have LOTS of dirty jobs ready for when him and his crew get here!! Like for instance, my kitchen is quite the dirty job:
Yes, it is nice, isn't it!!! Thank you, I am proud of me too.
I haven't cleaned it in a couple of months just for him, and it will only get better the longer it takes him to finally show up.
Which he will.
Any day now!
Oh, and I also stopped cleaning my bathroom a while back, too:
Oh, and believe me, that is just the beginning of all the dirty jobs I have for him. Hey, I've watched his show a lot and seen some of the things he has done, and between you and me, I have my work cut out for me if I want him to know how serious I am!!
He will find nothing here that is less than filthy, dirty and of course, highly toxic!!
Oh, yes.
For him I went all out:
That is me, and this is my backyard dirty job for him:
Yes!
I'm sure my neighbors all love him too, so I decided to surprise them and have them be in on the show with me!
Take a look at this evil genius handiwork:
Now that, my friend, is the dirtiest job in the history of all dirty jobs!!
Yep, they will just love it, once they figure out what I am up to.
OK, well, most of them will love it.
The only one I worry about and who probably won't understand is my one neighbor who I think is from Denmark or something.
He doesn't speak English well and after the Mike Holmes incident I could tell that he probably doesn't understand how we American's feel about shows like Holmes on Homes or Dirty Jobs or how important it is for us to do whatever it takes to get onto these reality shows.
I imagine he will react a bit like this, maybe:
Oh, don't worry about me. I'm sure he will get over it once Fox News gets a translator flown in or something.
If nothing else, there isn't much that can't be overcome with a plate of my special brownies made with Jesus's imported "incense"!! I bet he would totally forget all about his house after a few of those brownies.
Yummmm.
Hey, maybe I'll make some for Mike and his crew, too!! I bet they would love my special "incense" brownies!
Because he'll be here anyday, you know. I'm going to be on his show.
Oh yeah, I will definitely let you know when my Dirty Jobs episode is on, I know you won't want to miss it, being my #1 fan and all!!
I'll even wave at you on camera, k??
:)
16 Offensive Comments:
Wow, this has got to be the wierdest and best blog i have ever read! I've watched Dirty Jobs once and saw Mike in a pile of bat poop. Not a pretty sight.
But hey, if that kinda thing works for you ... well then who am I to complain ?
:D Luv the blog !
You crack me up.
Mike Tyson will be crushed that he wasn't picked. Cheers!!
Well, I've never heard of this Mike guy before this, and am pretty offended that you kept the dirty job guy a secret from me until now, me being your number 1 fan and all...
But that's forgiven. After all, what are #1 fans for? But once you are done with Mikey boy, can I borrow him for a while? I am a bachelor, and the bathroom in my bachelor pad has not been cleaned successfully since around 1981 (yup, that's my birth year).
I say 'successfully', because there HAS been attempts made... infamously, the 1995 expedition of 6 seasoned dirty job experts.... They haven't been heard of since...
Maybe your Mike can find what's left of them...
Godspeed.
I'm almost done w/law school, I'll help you out on the restraining order that's about to get issued.
Mike Rowe also does all those Epic pharmacy commercials. He is a comely & manly man with a great voice.
If I was a gay man, I'd have to agree with you on Mike Rowe.
But I'm not.
So, right now, I'm upset my name isn't Mike.
I gotta hand it to you; that was funny. That bathroom; it's worse than my Dad's and I didn't think that was actually possible. They should plug an air freshener in there; that'll fix everything.
Chelle, you get better and better with every word you write.
This is priceless. I am going to find a way to get Mike to read this.
Yup, that is my mission for the day. I think he would love it. I get to take his shirt off if I get this done for you!!
Sylvia
LOL Chelle...I may have to fight you for this Mike. Though I really don't think I would be able to go to the lengths you have to get him to come do your dirty job. You're surely the queen of destruction! He is adorable and I love all of his shows...well, except that one when he's screaming like a little girl. Did you see the one when he had to collect snakes by the ocean? Now don't get upset and go fatwa'ing me! :o)
Mike's a puss. A real man doesn't call a job a "Dirty" job. It's just a job. You just do it. So, I'd move on. There are better Mikes out there who are more worthy of getting dirty with.
Pppfftt...
What's that Mike got that this Mike ain't got??
Besides a TV show...
I agree! Mike is handsome, bangable even. I love his show, I especially like the one with him in that one dirty place..oh hell I forget where he was, but it was hilarious!
Yes, Mike Rowe is great. So great I almost have my mother convinced she should marry him.. almost. How that would happen, I have no idea.
Mind sharing some of those brownies?
He was even better on QVC late at night hawking shitty wares.
check it out
I think his show is great, but its the only thing on TV I can't watch while eating.
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