So, no offense if you are rich and vain and stupid, but thanks to you I am set for life. That's right, because of your type, I was able to retire in my 30's to become The Offended Blogger full time.
Thanks!! :)
(Hey, I knew you had to be wondering by now, so yes, in real life I do have other skills besides making up stuff and trying to offend you!!)
You did know the other stuff was made up, right?
What?! You actually believed that Jesus the taco truck guy exists??
Hooyah!! I am good! :)
Anyhoo... in my very real real life, I do have very real skills, and the rich and vain and stupid were my cash cow.
Oh, don't worry, they lost interest up at the first paragraph so it's OK to talk about them!
Don't give me that look.
No, I am not ashamed of the years that I spent exploiting them! It is not my fault that they are so stupid and rich and vain. Or that they love to be exploited by me!!
OK, I know what you are thinking; "Chelle B., I know you are an evil genius, but exactly what sort of skills did you use to exploit the intellectually challenged and incredibly vain people into an early retirement and will you teach me?!!"
Ha!
Well, OK, since you are my #1 fan I will let you in on my little secret and share a few pictures of my skills with you, but only you because I am nice that way. The rest you have to learn on your own.
Here is just one of many of my very exploitative and highly overpriced skills:
That's right!
Yours truly is a highly skilled masseuse as well as a fully trained luxury spa treatment provider in real life.
I know, you thought I worked in the circus or something but I forgive you!!
Actually, I spent many years honing my skills and providing all of the most expensive and luxurious therapies that are much like crack for the incredibly rich and vain and stupid, and believe me, I have good reason to call them stupid.
For instance, one of my hot rock essential oil shiatsu body massages with 'non-surgical facelift' facial massage costs $165 for 1.5 hours, plus tip, plus sales commission for some overpriced must-take-home item.
What intelligent person would pay me to rub hot rocks on them? None!
Hooyah!!
Oh! Here is another picture of one of my highly overpriced and incredibly addictive specialties for the rich and vain and stupid:
1.5 hours of massaging, steaming and painting mud on a vain person's face will set you back $145.oo, plus tip, plus sales commission for the overpriced bottle of must-take-home crap, thank you very much!!!
Do you see why I say the rich and vain AND stupid, now?
Honestly, would you pay me that much to paint mud on your face?
Ha! I know better, you are much too smart.
Even I wouldn't pay that sort of money for this stuff and I know how great I am at it and how good it feels!
Oh, also, I am a master of body hair removal, a skill which practically paid off my mortgage all by itself!! In less than an hour, I can make any one's legs look as lovely as this:
Heh, well, you know.
Almost anyone.
Some people are beyond all help and need to stay in Norway or wherever the hairy women live now. Ehw.
It is very true, though, that I have massaged and painted with mud and scrubbed with dead sea salt and waxed with wax some of the loveliest bodies out there for way too much money.
Gosh, my memories of the body parts I've seen would bring top dollar at any high quality porn store, but believe me, it wasn't always the sort of dream job you would think!!
No, it wasn't always teams of hot and sweaty and nearly naked rugby players waiting to be rubbed down, or soooo good looking I can pretend they aren't gay Olympic swimmer guys coming by to get their chests and legs waxed.
I wish. :(
If it had been like that, I'd still be doing it!!
No, in fact, some days this guy (who was neither rugby nor Olympic material) would be the one waiting for me:
Yeahhh.... and not just for a back waxing either!!
He'd want that done after a hot stone shiatsu massage and I'd have to smile and do my little overpaid job while secretly wishing I were still at home in bed dreaming, like this:
Yes, I really did used to dream of being an Amish wife!!
Doesn't every woman?!!
Anyhoo... I could live with the occasional freaky hairy guy who wanted his back waxed and/or massaged.
I could even live with the ones that I had to kick-box in the nuts and toss out for wanting a "happy ending"!
Sadly, things really began to go downhill when I began getting more and more male clients who came in for Brazillian waxing. It made me long for the hairy or happy ending guys!
You do know what that is, right?
Oh, well go and Google it.
It's OK, I'll wait!
.
.
.
Got it?
Yeaaaahhhh... nothing like meeting a new male client and in five minutes you have them spread eagle on your table waxing their junk while they cry!!
Even during the worst of my PMS'ing I never really enjoyed making their eyes water and their balls bleed a bit!
Just what sort of sick person would enjoy that?
Oh, heh.
Yeah I guess there are some of those types out there.
Scary. :/
As if that wasn't bad enough, suddenly all of the top spas began turning into "medical spas" and hired plastic sugeons and started offering cosmetic procedures.
So then my clientele suddenly turned into this:
Believe me, I'd much rather have rubbed him down with hot rocks while she had her face injected with botulism!
Then, around the same time as the Brazilian waxing and botulism injections took off, my female (and a few transsexual male) clients also became obsessed with this look:
Argh!
Now, I know most people think that looks good on porn stars and Angelica whats-her-name, but believe me, they don't always turn out looking so well on regular people!!
It can be rather frightening, actually.
I still get a full body shiver remembering these types of the rich and vain and stupid who seemed to be multiplying while at the same time all were simultaneously morphing into this same freakish beast looking creature:
What can I say?
"NO!! YOU ARE NOW A FREAK GET AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER COME BACK?!"
Believe me, I have scars on my tongue from biting it so hard back them.
Oh, yes, how I longed to be Amish in those days!!!
No buttons on my clothes, making my own soap, up at dawn to make my straw-hatted, Abe Lincoln lookalike man his breakfast.
Black buggies and head coverings all the way!!
Ahhhhh.
Anyhoo... it was much worse than you can imagine because there were so many like that.
Women especially can not see just how ridiculous they look once they get started down the road to attain this sort of 'ageless beauty':
Exactly.
It is just wrong and highly offends my sensibilities.
Well, I can honestly say that thanks to all of this, I will be aging gracefully, free from botulism and silicone and whatever-the-hell-else these freaks are injecting in themselves in a pathetic attempt to look younger.
No doctors will be cutting my lovely aging-gracefully self for cosmetic purposes, either.
That's right, and I endured dealing with the rich and vain and stupid for as long as I could before I made my small fortune and my dreams of moving to Idaho and becoming Amish were finally realized!!
Yay for me!!
It is great, too.
Being Amish really is something you should strive for.
It is good for the environment. We are very green.
OK.... so that last part isn't true, I am not Amish but I did do well by exploiting the rich and vain and stupid, and I do live in Idaho where I will age gracefully until I die of old age or get eaten by a grizzly bear!!
:)
This post will continue to age gracefully and lol at the rich and vain and stupid over at:
25 Offensive Comments:
I was thinking of getting a back-up skill in case my con artistry dries up, so I'm thinking waxing sounds doable. Are you allowed to spritz them with antibac first?
You Rock the most Chelle!
Deb ~ It is a requirement to spritz them with antiseptic and I always wore gloves, two pairs for the Brazillian ball waxing, in fact! :)
Roger ~ Awwww, thanks but we both know you rock the most! :)
Ha, hysterical! Chelle the offended masseuse!
I keep imagining the 40 year old virgin cursing you as you rip his chest hair off.
Did we really need the Chewbacca picture though? That is Chewie, right? :)
Masseuse... mass use... well, you DID use the rich and the vain to make so much money that you could arrange neat little stacks of paper money in Idaho to spell out "Bye bye, suckers" to any rich and vain stupidos who may be flying by...
Kudos to that. In any case, if you had to wax the BHGSIP (Big Hairy Guy Shown In Picture) then it's a well deserved rest in Idaho.
But don't turn Amish on us, ok? Amish people are not allowed to offend. Can you imagine a world where you deprive your number one fan of constant rounds of offensive offenses?
I dreamed of being an amish wife once... it didnt turn out to well.
You rubbed your "hot rocks" on people?
Really?
Wow.
No wonder they payed you!
When you are grumpy do you do a better Brazilian wax? I'll bet they hate when you have PMS.;) I know they would hate me.
Kdawg ~ I think that guy's momma had a fling with Chewie or something! You could knit all of Norway a sweater with that hair. :/
Hammy ~ I could never be Amish, they are scared of me!! :p
Alex ~ Why? Were you too large and plain looking for the Amish men's taste? :o
Mike ~ Ha! I did and I still have my hot rocks, tyvm. :p
Etta ~ I was grumpy everytime I had to do one, so yes I suppose my skills improved with each set of balls haha. :)
I find this post insulting to all the beautiful people whom have chosen to have higher self esteem and bigger boobs.
I found you via Mike over at Tongue in Check. You have a great blog!
I'm pretty sure no one could pay me enough to deal with hairy balls like that, even if I did get to make them bleed. Bravo for you doing it your advantage.
I did try getting a bikini wax once. Once. I screamed. Really loud. Repeatedly. My waxer told me she would never do a Brazilian on me. I assured her I would never ask for one.
Dr. Rogers ~ I am so embarrassed that you found my blog! I mean, you're my gynecologist/plastic surgeon for goodness sakes! :p
Phoebe ~ Thanks! Brazillian waxing should be used instead of waterboarding! :)
Damn, I was getting very afraid to scroll down the post there at the end. Quite offensive. Good job!
I don't know how young these rich and vain people want to look, but I always appreciate a little "I'm not 10 years old" peach fuzz.
There were a lot of rather painful points in that article.
Fortunately, as one of the Poor, Vain and Stupid, I had the drive to keep reading.
Ve ~ I do seem to have skillz at finding just the right offensive pictures, sometimes I amaze myself!! :)
Dash ~ Good point, many of them are going for the whole Shirley Temple look and it is a bit creepy!! :(
Don ~ Now I know better than that. You are not vain!! :D
I wanted to get away from ball-waxing because it is very painful and I have no more tears left to cry. So I just got them bronzed and send them out to be polished twice/month.
Well I think it was the facial hair... or the fact I'm a dude... those amish arent very modern.
Some of these photos were downright disturbing. The ghoulish lady with the botox face reminded me of the first time I saw that Planet of the Apes movie where all those people were worshiping a bomb and peeled off their faces. Ghoulish!
Where do you find these copyfree images of Paris Hilton?
Chelle, you make me want a hot rock massage...but damned if I'm going to pay for it now! Can't us Poor, Intelligent, Stressed types get a break?
as a poverty-stricken, self-depricating and highly intel...somewhat intellig...not completely stupid individual, i find this post HI-larious. thanks for the chuckles, and thank you for killing the .07% of me that thought a brazilian would be a good idea..."yeah, my nutsack is SO smooth...er...it will be once the scabs heal completely."
www.diaryoffools.blogspot.com
Life is ridiculous. Read about it here.
.45 ~ I am sure they are lovelier than Lord Likely's golden cock even! :D
Alex ~ Oh! Yes, they do frown upon anal sex with other male humans. I think sheep aren't off limits though. :)
Kimchi ~ I hope I didn't frighten you, I know how fragile you are about these things. :p
Dr. Rogers ~ I'm sorry, what does "copy free" mean, again? :D
Tesla ~ There are back alley massage parlors who do it much cheaper than I do, but I wouldn't recommend going to one! :p
Blaine ~ I am so glad you came over to get offended!! I hope I have saved you some tears and bleeding balls in the process, too. :)
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Remember, anything you say might highly offend someone... but hey, to hell with those sissy bastards, say it anyway!!