The "I Really am the Antichrist, Dammit!!" Offensive

Well, no offense to the pope, but it looks like I am the Antichrist. That's right, it's me, and since you are my #1 fan I felt obligated to tell you about it. I mean, between you and me, you may even want to get some therapy now that you know you are the #1 fan of the Antichrist!!

Hey, don't worry, I won't think less of you.

OK, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle B., you are so nice and practically angelic, what makes you think you are the Antichrist?!"

Because it's true!

I actually started wondering a few weeks ago when I realized that I love to eat crab and bacon, but I absolutely hate to eat fish, olives, figs, wine and lamb!

Weird, huh?! I knew it couldn't just be a coincidence, and then I found a website that confirmed my suspicions.

Check it out for yourself, I bet YOU aren't the Antichrist, because there is only one.

Me:

Mathematical proof that chelle b offendedblogger is the Antichrist!

That's right, I told you it was true!! Hey, just because I am the Antichrist doesn't mean I lie. OK, well, not all the time!!

Anyhoo... say goodbye to the old Chelle B., because this is the new Antichrist version of me:


Heh.

I know, I am scary huh?!

Between you and me, I actually like being the Antichrist, I feel all bad-ass n' stuff saying OBEY ME to everyone!!!

Hooyah!!

People have to listen to me, too.

Yes, even you!

Hey, don't give me that look. Just because you are my #1 fan does not mean you don't have to obey me.

Oh, believe me, you will get used to it.

It has even taken me awhile to get used to the fact that I am the Antichrist.

In fact, I always thought it was the pope even though my favorite hillbilly pastor always said that this guy was the Antichrist:


I know! I never believed it could it be him. I mean, he is way too frigging cool to be, well, me!!

I might let him be my sidekick though. He would make a very cool Antichrist sidekick, and let's face it, the Jewish people have suffered enough so they kinda deserve for him to be my sidekick!!

I'd even let him drive me around in my Antichrist monster truck. :)

Hooyah!!

Anyhooo... to be honest, he probably would say 'no' if I asked him to be my way cool sidekick/chauffeur because believe it or not, apparently NO ONE BELIEVES ME when I tell them that I am the Antichrist!!!

Ugh!!!

I know!! What is wrong with them?!

Well, OK, so my Fatwa friends acted like they believed me when I told them:


So what, though?!

They frigging get like that over everything!!

Tomorrow they probably won't believe me anymore and they will stop trying to destroy me.

Thanks! I feel sorry for me, too. :(

Heh, even Jesus himself didn't believe that I am the Antichrist when I stopped over at his taco truck to tell him at lunch today:



I agree. I mean, if Jesus won't believe me, who will?!!

He is such a bastard, I don't even know why I put up with him.

Well, except he does make the bestest fecking tacos ever, and he always remembers that I love extra, extra jalepenos.

Plus, he tattooed my name on his head, which was nice.

Oh, and he does say nice things to me during our 'all night confession sessions' or when he wants me to buy some of his imported sticky "incense"!!

But still.

He is a bastard and will probably tell everyone in town and then they won't believe me too, and they will all just laugh about me behind my back:


Man, that really pisses me off!!

Dammit, I am the Antichrist but what good is it if no one believes and obeys me?!

Ugh.

I mean, my own dog didn't believe that I am the Antichrist!!



Heh. He probably will chew up my new couch, too. I should have his balls removed just to get even!!

Well, at least my hubby said he believes me:


I don't think he meant it though. He gets a little crazy this time of the month and hides out in his bunker, so when he feels sane again and comes out he probably will forget he said it and he probably won't obey me either.

Heh, the kids might believe that I am the Antichrist, but since I'm really ADD I keep forgetting to tell them:

OK, so I keep forgetting to pick them up, too, but even if I did, they still wouldn't obey me, they never have! So really, why bother?!!

Let them figure it out for themselves.

Did I mention that it is only fun if people and dogs believe I am the Antichrist AND obey me!!

Well, at least I have you to boss around!! If it wasn't for you, I might as well just go back to being me and let the pope be the Antichrist. You'd much rather obey me than him, wouldn't you?! I know I would if I were you!!

Which I'm not, because I am not you, I am the Antichrist.

Now obey me, dammit!!

;)

This post is looking for minions to believe and obey it over at humor-blogs.com