The "Jesus WAS My Copilot" Offensive

So, you know those "offensive" bumper stickers that some people always seem to enjoy getting all uptight over? I know, I love those too! In fact, I have a few of them slapped on the ass end of my monster truck.

My favorite one says, "Hey, I hope you slam into the the back of my big truck and die or become horribly disfigured, you tailgating bastard!"

Heh.

I hate tailgaters!!

Oh, and here's my other favorite one:


Hooyah!!

Hey, don't give me that look.

I mean, I'm not a big wine drinker so I would have happily smoked some good Hebrew bud with Jesus if I had been hanging around him back then!

I bet Hebrew bud was the bestest ever!! :)

So anyhoo... to go with my other potentially offensive bumper stickers, I just added this new one today:

That's right, it's true, too.

Jesus actually was my copilot a while back when I was taking free flying lessons from him, and I did have to fire his ass.

Ugh.

Believe me, I didn't want to do it but I had no choice. He was just such a bastard!!

I mean, looking back at it, I'd have been better off with one of my maniac Fatwa friends as my copilot:


Yeah, tell me about it.

They'd probably have flown me straight into the headquarters of Walmart or something, and I still would have been better of than letting Jesus be my copilot!!

Ugh.

Well, to be honest, it didn't start of so bad, really.

I mean, instead of having me fly around Idaho or Utah or something incredibly boring, he did take me straight down toward Mexico and we only had a little trouble when I clipped that beer truck just outside of Boise:

Heh, lucky for me Jesus had things all worked out.

He said he'd removed all of the identifying numbers from our little plane for just such occasions, which made me feel much better because frankly, I thought he had done that so he could make runs in his plane back and forth to Mexico to pick up his sticky, imported "incense" and not get caught.

Boy, was I naive.

Part of me even thought he was giving me free flying lessons so I could be an accomplice in his illegal "incense" ring!!

I sure did have him all wrong. In more ways than one, too!!

Anyhoo... other than that, until we got to Mexico, the rest of the flight went pretty well, really.

Jesus made a fine copilot up until then!! He even showed me this private island that he said he used to fly out to all the time before he came to live in Idaho:

I know, it IS breathtaking, isn't it?!!

When I first saw it, I said to myself, "Chelle B., you could die there and be happy!"!!

In fact, I almost did die there, because while I was busy looking at the beach and all the sticky "incense" trees, I accidentally forgot to watch where I was going and I slammed into another small, unmarked plane that was leaving the island!!

The crash was quite spectacular:


I know!

Me and Jesus are very lucky to have survived it.

Of course, I wanted to kill him not long afterwards because he is such a bastard!!

Ugh.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that instead of just being an island full of yummy, sticky, imported "incense" and cute brown-skinned "incense" harvesters, it was actually an island full of these guys:

Yeah.

Jesus didn't seem to mind, either!!

Believe me, when I crawled onto that beach half naked (because the explosion ripped most of my clothes off, you know!), those guys were less than impressed.

They were quite mean to me, in fact, and Jesus pretended he didn't even know me!!

That's when I fired his ass. :)

Between you and me, I used to dream of being stranded on a deserted island with nothing but half naked cute guys.

Uh, not anymore!!

So now I'm back here in Idaho, and I'm pretty sure Jesus is still there, hanging out on the beach with his new friends, having a good ol' time, too:


Bastard.

I know he isn't gay, either, so I don't know why he'd want to stay. I mean, at least two of my kids are his!!

Ugh.

I hope his taco truck goes out of business while he's there:


Heh.

Free flying lessons.

Never again for me, thank you very much.

Well, at least not with that bastard, Jesus, as my copilot!!

:p

This post has no copilot over at humor-blogs.com