So, hey, no offense if you are one, but I am really, really, really getting sick of all these self-proclaimed "eco-friendly" assholes who live in the city and show up here in herds every year playing "eco-tourist".
You know the type I am talking about, they are frigging everywhere you look nowadays:
Ugh.
I hate them!
They just think they are better than me because they eat dandelion and deer scat stew and drive those little "smart cars" and leave a smaller carbon footprint than I do.
Bastards.
I always get dirty looks from those "eco-driver" types who come up here to MY little piece of paradise and act like I have no right to throw plastic bottles out of MY 4-mile-to-the-gallon, polar-bear-killing, ice-berg-melting, not-smart monster truck window while I fly past them:
Please.
Do they really think it makes them better than me because their car says "eco car" on it and my monster truck says "FECK OFF AND GO BACK TO THE CITY TO DIE YOU ECO-TOURIST BASTARDS!!" on the side of it?!
You tell me, what the hell is wrong with me throwing my recyclables out on the highway, anyway?! It is very humanitarian, in my opinion.
I mean, if it wasn't for my roadside littering, what else would the murderers, rapists and crack heads be doing on the weekend?
That's right, they'd be murdering, raping and smoking crack with each other behind bars. Don't these "eco-friendly" types ever think about anyone but themselves?!
No, they don't.
Which is precisely why I really want to run those "eco-biker" ones over every time I see them hogging the road:
I always want to yell out at them, "Hey, your ass will REALLY hurt when an 'eco-friendly' cougar decides to play the food-chain game with you!! Oooh... I hope I have my 'eco-friendly' camera ready when that happens!!"
Bwahahaha!
Ugh, I really hate them.
Oh, and when I am out 4-wheeling, I am always tempted to run down those annoying "hey nice local lady, look out for us, we're 'eco-hikers'!", too:
Argh!!
Look how happy they are, convinced of their "eco-superiority".
I always want to yell at them, "Hey, the grizzly bears actually prefer to eat happy people with 'eco-friendly' Walmart shoes and backpacks!! Hope you brought some 'eco-friendly' bear spray with ya!!"
Heh.
Bear spray.
What a huge scam.
Much like this whole "eco-friendly" bullshit they are all falling for!!
To be honest, I have only met one truly "eco-friendly" person in my whole life:
That's Ed.
I know, he is so frigging "eco-cool"!!
He used to be one of those "eco-tourists" but now he lives out here in the forest and he taught me a lot of things.
Like how to make my own dandelion and deer scat stew.
Yummm!!
Oh, and he also taught me how to build my own "eco-tree stand" for hunting "eco-driver", "eco-biker", and "eco-hiker" with my hand made "eco-bow and arrows"!!
That's right, so don't you worry, pretty soon me and Ed will single-handedly keep the entire global population of "eco-snobs" in check.
Because between you and me, eventually they all make their way over here to Yellowstone Park.
That's right, and we'll be ready for them.
Hooyah!!
;)
Please click over to humor-blogs.com for me so I can get on the front page!!
22 Offensive Comments:
I'm with ya Chelle! Let's take your "4-mile-to-the-gallon, polar-bear-killing, ice-berg-melting, not-smart monster truck" on a road trip coast to coast and play whack the eco-asses. You know...drive by and open the door. Runners are worth 50...bikers are worth 100...run over one of those sissy eco-cars...1000! Woot. Woot.
I envy Ed and his eco shack paradise, he looks happy.
Hahahahahahaha. That was your bestest goddam post yet, chelle. I know what you mean by these pretentious, I'm-so-caring-that-I shit-roses assholes. They are too superficial for me. I would cheerfully run them over with my big v-8 truck with as much gusto as possible if given the chance. What fun it would be!
Hi Yo!
Boy, that first green girl...I can't wait for winter...
Hey, no fair ! I'm eco-friendly this week.
Ahh, what the hell. Great post!
These are the funniest posts in my google reader. Keep 'em coming, Chelle!
I am eager to learn of other things that you hate. How do you feel about paper plates?
Atta girl, Chelle. Give 'em hell!
Happy Paddy Day to ya Chelle! Screw those tourist, I am sure they love the smell of there own farts if they could bottle it up and save it for later I am sure they would!You Rock Chelle!
Hilarious post. I love it. Somebody has to speak for the other side and you do it so well.
Keep on truckin'.
HAve a nice day.
Those cycle bitches are the worst. We've got entire hurds of those. They keep on cycling as if they are immune for cars. We call them cycling terrorists, instead of tourists. They suck, and it's all Armstrong's fault.
Chelle, Chelle, Chelle, Chelle, Chelle, Chelle, Chelle...
You shouldn't be SO critical about the eco-nuts.
Eco nuts have their own purpose in life. (Note that I am talking STRICTLY about the NUTS, not the random guy who says "Hey, maybe I should just recycle")
1. They make interesting doorstops. They are rigorously trained on how to stay still and prevent wood being moved around.
2. They make easy pets. If an intruder comes, you just have to say that he/she has committed an eco crime, and they'll do the rest. On top of that, they usually come potty trained.
3. Entertainment. You can NOT buy entertainment like this. Get a swarm of eco-nuts to gather around, and threaten to throw plastic bags into the ocean. Make sure you have enough popcorn as you sit back and watch the action/ comedy/ drama unfold.
4. Personally, I ENCOURAGE these nuts to wear green... Hell, wear clothes woven from cabbage and lettuce. Then unleash a herd of farm animals. And when the herd starts attacking the vegetable attire, and they start attacking the animals trying to defend themselves... call in PeTA, the bullshit organization that values animals more than people.
See? How can you even think of a world without eco-nuts? They are a necessary part of the circus of life...
I've met eco ed.
I found him by following the smell.
He taught me the value of not showering.
I'm still single.
hoooooyah!
I've found the best way to kill an environmentalist is to drown them in fumes from your Hummer.
heh heh...I said "hummer."
The bike picture was priceless! I have yet to find a bike that doesn't make my booty hurt...until then, green isn't an option. :)
ur gonna get ripped on this....hey, thats how i like it, you know me....you must read my emails back and forth with a hat company on one of my discussions....yeah im in trouble gain. (copyright infringment)
i think the title is "am i wrong"
btw, i am no tree hugger, im kinda in between
whats more important is the fake "holier than thou" ones ruin in for everyone because then people turn a cold shoulder to the whole concept, same with the religious fanatics
Well done, Chelle.
I like going green to save money and resources but not if it's going to piss you off. I shall get rid of my 'smart car' now and trade it in for my dream Hummer. :P
Do you want to come to a party that celebrates the need to save the environment? If so, I will send an SUV to pick you up and make sure that the heat at the house is on full blast. SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT!!!
Eco-friendly old people are the worst. Who they kidding? Nothing they do in their lifetimes will matter.
You inspire me, Chelle. I think I will vacation the entire summer in Idaho. I'll hike up into the high mountains, and refrain from shaving, washing, changing my drawers, socks, shirt and pants the whole time I'm there. I will then come home smelling like a man. I may end up showering with a putty knife, but the whole thing sounds so exhilarating and fulfilling, doesn't it?
By doing this do you think I would be doing my "eco-share?"
Ha! The worst are the bikers. I can't stand them. I live in the mountains, and they hog the roads like they own them. I can't tell you how many times I've almost run one down, when coming around a corner and whoops there they are! Drives me nuts. The best ones are the ones that ride side by side and don't bother to move so you can get by without ramming into oncoming traffic!
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