Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to ME!! That's right, I am the bestest fecking offender ever in the history of offenders, and to prove it I added a picture of myself up there just for you.
No, I am not picking my nose in that picture, I am only pretending to. I am really flipping you off!
See how good I am at this offending business?
Hooyah!!!
To celebrate, this weekend I decided I am going to get a new tattoo and I'd love it if you would help me pick just the right one!
OK, I know what you are thinking and noooo, I won't get a portrait of you, my #1 fan, tattooed on my ass. I mean, believe me, I would, but I already have my Germany birthmark there, remember?! Plus, I want it to be bad ass and a bit offensive, and let's face it, you are too nice to be either one of those!! :)
Anyhoo... after a lot of soul searching and about 10 minutes googling and using paint pad, I have narrowed down my ideal perfectly perfect offensive tattoo to these choices:
#1 - A Fatwa grafiti tattoo.
Grafiti always screams out "I AM A BAD ASS OFFENDER!!", right? And just uttering Fatwa gets people all offended, so it is perfect!
Then again, I did Fatwa myself into a political prisoner of war camp and that might bring back bad memories if I have to look at it all the time etched on my skin.... hmmm.
Well, how about, this one:
#2 - Jesus and one of his yummy tacos with extra, extra jalapenos for me (and a cold beer to boot!).
I mean, you know how I love Jesus and his tacos. I'd say that might be the perfectly perfect offensive tattoo for me, really.
Well... except that one time he did sorta kidnap me and took me down to Mexico and stuck me in a bunker and it took me a few days to escape :(
Oh, but then there is this idea for the perfect offensive tattoo:
#3 - a ruler tattoo.
Well, not just any old ruler, it would have "must be this tall to ride this ride" written under it and it would be tattooed way up on my inner thigh.
Yeah, I know!!
Heh, you're right, I'm sure it would offend my hubby and I wouldn't want to do that!
Speaking of him, though, I actually thought I could put one of these on the inside of each thigh just for him:
#4 - a Christmas tree and a turkey tattoo.
You know... so he will quit bitching that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas, duh!! :p
Oooh... then again, that one might backfire since it is seasonal... I mean that would only leave me a month to enjoy it, really.
Hmm...
Hey, I could always be like everyone else and go with something really offensive, like this one:
#5 - A monkey butt bellybutton tattoo.
I know, I love that one too!!
The only thing is, it's already been done and I kinda want something original, you know?! :(
So, after realizing these may not be the best ones, I had to really put my thinking cap on and I think I came up with what I thought was just the most perfectly perfect offensive tattoo for me:
#6 - rooster hanging from a noose tattoo.
What do you mean, you don't get it?! Isn't it obvious?
Honestly, does it really need explaining?
Ugh.
Fine, I will explain.
It would go on my calf and then I can walk into any bar in town and bet every guy in there that I am more of a man than them because my cock hangs below my knee!!
Duh!!
That's right and they would love it.
I think it's the one. :)
But, before I run out and get it done, I wondered which one you like the best??
Or do you have an even better and more offensive perfectly perfect tattoo idea for me??
This post is spending the weekend getting tattooed over at humor-blogs.com
Firstly that flipping off picture is HAWT!!
:)
I think you should have your name and address tattooed to your ass, so when your found drunk and naked in a field (again) they know where to send you back to.
:)
Claire ~ Oooooh good idea!!
But I should probably also add "FUCK YOU COPPERS!!" to it just to make it bad ass and a bit offensive. :)
I, of course, hope it's #6
Rooster ~ Haha! You were my muse, of course. :)
Go for the monkey one, I say.
Everyone loves monkeys. And anuses.
It's a win-win!
Lord Likely ~ True enough, everyone I asked said they love both monkeys AND anuses and a couple of them said they prefer monkey anuses, in fact!!
Hmm.. must take that into deep consideration. :)
I liked the ruler tattoo.
Awfully sexy and slightly unnerving too.
ROWWWRRRR.
:D. I love this blog!
Alex ~ It would be slightly unnerving, wouldn't it! Imagine if all women had one, those penis enlargement spam emails would be getting a whole lot more clicks, I bet! ;)
I can't stop laughing about the hung cock that is definitely the one, I would be sucker enough to take that bet and then pay double when I regained control of my boby from the laugh spasm's.
Truckin ~ ROFL!! I actually stole that idea from my ex brother in law who has a tattoo of that and does win a lot of money in bars with that bet!!! :D
Monkey's so wrong butt funny! I'm almost ashamed of myself for thinking it's funny.
Thanks for the laugh!
I had 5 brothers, there isn't much that truly offends me. Just loved the belly button monkey!!
Shirley ~ I am sorry, it is very wrong but oh so funny! Can you imagine dating someone and finding out they have that?! :o
Mama Flo ~ I am happy to make you laugh and glad you weren't offended. That was probably my most offensive post to date for real haha. :)
I see you like to strangle a cock.
I so want tattoos, but they're expensive and my one friend who does them does NOT look hygienic at all.
The ruler all the way (though, it may be a bit over inclusive at the given length). Funny post!
Hey Offender!! Great job on this blog, I had a great chuckle with the ruler!!
New Offended Fan!
Its cool to see someone with a funny sense of humor, and the ability to be themself.
The rooster is a must. Ironically my dad has that tattoo he had done early '54 while overseas (or somewhere the Navy took him, I think Japan). Anyway, he saw it in a Time Life magazine illustrating racism in the south. He thought the hanging rooster was cool, got it on his calf and apparently won a lot of money! So needless to say I will be tattooing this wonderful piece of history on my calf in homage to my beloved father (btw he's not dead or anything). Good luck!