The "Good Old Days" Offensive
8 Apr
No offense, but don’t you miss the good old days?! I know I do! People are all so frigging uptight now, most of them are sporting those big offending sticks up their asses, and it really pisses me off.
I mean, back in the good old days, people were so much happier!
They didn’t worry about every little thing, they just lived life to the fullest and they encouraged their kids to do the same:
Honestly, do you see that level of father/son happiness today?!
No, you do not, because people are so frigging uptight now, and would rather be miserable bastards and since misery loves company, they want their kids to be miserable little bastards, too.
Ugh.
Kids were much happier back in the good old days, probably because they were allowed to smoke candy cigarettes and play with real toys:
Hey, we both know that nothing makes a kid happier than shooting at other kids with their barrel smoking, cylinder revolving, Bullet Loading Fanner 50!!
It’s no wonder kids are miserable today!!
You tell me, isn’t a happy little bastard with a fake gun much less dangerous than a miserable little bastard with a real gun??
Exactly.
Yep, and back in the good old days, it was a good thing when a teacher spanked your kid:
Unlike today, because when you hear about a teacher spanking a kid it’s always some perverted, wannabe porn star doing it and despite what Van Halen tried to sell us on in the 80’s, that is not a good thing for our children.
Ugh.
Oh, and back in the good old days, women weren’t so vain, either, like the ones you see now:
Hey, they were just happy to be able to feed their kids, they didn’t have time to worry about what their hair looked like or if their tits were the right size or if their lips were “plump” enough!!
Do you see that sort of contentment in today’s woman?
I think not!!
Hell, back in the good old days, it was probably hard to care about whether your tits were the right size when not just your favorite soda but even your favorite toothache medicine had an extra special “happiness inducing” ingredient added to it:
Oh yeeeahhhh….
Coke and liquor were the instant cure for EVERYTHING back in the good old days!!
Not that they aren’t today, but back then, your miserable bastard neighbors didn’t look down on you for it because they were doing it, too!!
Ugh.
Not to mention that back in the good old days, if you happened to have a neighbor you absolutely hated, you could just accuse them of demonic possession or witchcraft and people would believe you:
Ha!
That was practically a guarantee that you’d have a new neighbor in no time!!
Well, and back in the good old days, if that didn’t pan out for you, there was always a good chance that the black plague would come along and kill them, their children and their annoying dog who always shit in your yard:
Yep, those were definitely the good old days.
Gosh, I’d give anything to live back in the good old days!!
Especially right now, since my neighbor’s dog, George, is back in my yard again for the 27th time this week.
Ugh.
Friggin’ George.
I wish I had a barrel smoking, cylinder revolving, Bullet Loading Fanner 50 to shoot at him with.
Or even some of that toothache medicine from the good old days to help me feel better.
Maybe I should just go get some liquor, instead.
:p
I hear they’re all hopped up on toothache medicine over at humor-blogs.com
