The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to my older brother and sister, as well as my therapist who has really helped me to get over all of the offenses that those two bastards committed against me as a child!!

Ugh.

If you only knew!!!

I was seriously traumatized by them.

Seriously!!

Anyhoo... for my WTF?! Friday Offensive, I gave you, my #1 fan, a picture of my sad self circa age 10, along with a list of clues that told the whole sordid tale of the terrible offense that I had to endure.

SOME of you were so very, very, VERY close that I couldn't believe you hadn't somehow been part of the sick and twisted sibling conspiracy that was formulated at my house to silence my small, yet very, very insistent voice that I possessed as a tiny, defenseless non-offender!!

The rest of you were soooooooo far off, it wasn't even funny.

OK, I take that back, it was funny, in fact every one of them were all HILARIOUS so thank you for playing along and you all win one of these:


But you have to share them with me!! :)

Now then, my therapist has given me the "thumbs up" signal, and my anxiety pills have kicked in, so I ready to tell you the rest of the story....

If you remember, we started with that picture and the following clues:

1) duct tape
2) babysitting
3) a MEAN older brother and sister
4) a very, very, VERY dark coat closet
5) a cassette tape recorder

(I actually forgot to add "baseball bat" to the list as you can see that bastard brother of mine ^^ up there holding one!).

ANYHOO... it all started when my parents left us three home alone for an evening, and since they were 14 and 15, and didn't need a babysitter, guess who was left in charge of little ol' me?!

Yes, it was unfair!!!!

I mean, I had my Hello Kitty Easy bake oven in my room if I got hungry, my Hello Kitty portable tv that got 2.5 channels if I got bored, and my collection of Hello Kitty stuffed animals to keep me company.

I did NOT need them at all to watch over me, and frankly, I resented the whole thing!!

I still do, obviously. :)

Of course, being the 14 and 15 year old bastards that they were, they made me stay within view at all times and really enjoyed taunting me by using bad words in obscure languages (like Pig Latin and Chinese Slang), and of course being the sweet and innocent non-offender that I was back then, it made my little ears bleed to hear such offensive language!!

I was sure that my parents would NOT approve, either, so, being the evil genius that I was (and still am!), I devised a plan to finally rid myself of these babysitting tyrants once and for all!!

I just knew they'd be sent off to some communist prisoner of war camp when I was through with them.

Sooooo.. while they were waiting for the Love Boat to come on and went off to make pop-corn in the kitchen, I sneakily snuck off to get my Hello Kitty cassette tape recorder, with every intention of hiding it under the couch where they were sitting!!

It would capture all of their offensiveness and secure my freedom!

Hooyah!!

Ugh.

It would have all went off without a hitch, too, except my sister caught me in the act, just as I hit the record button and slid it under the couch. :(

Things went drastically downhill from there, too.

You see, our house was one big circle, with HUGE rooms, so when I took off running from them, it was not easy for them to catch me.

In fact, it took quite the effort from both of them and I put up quite a fight.

I admit it, I kicked my brother in the balls and pulled my sister's hair before he used his baseball bat to finally trip me on the way by, but I was in fear of my life!!!

Of course then they both drug me, kicking and screaming every curse word that I knew at them, and they put me and my Hello Kitty cassette recorder in time out in the hall closet:



Now, they didn't use duct tape at first, that only came about when I wouldn't stop LOUDLY screaming curse words at them and pounding the door with my fist.

Haha, they even tried duct taping my feet, but I broke free from that and kicked on the wall of the closet (I didn't want to break the door and get in trouble!) until I wore myself out.

I know, it is sad!!

I fell asleep in that dark little space, and dreamed about my grown-up self living in paradise, where no mean brothers and sisters existed and where I would have a private island, taco delivery, my own red panda and a Hello Kitty laptop computer:


Hey, I did too know there would be Hello Kitty laptops some day!

Ahhhh.... I still dream of that island, actually.

Anyhoo, I only woke up when I heard the "CLICK" of my recorder coming to the end of the tape, and that's when I realized that they hadn't turned it off and I had recorded the entire event!!

At first I was sooooooo excited and I almost turned the evidence over to my parents, but after I listened to just a small part of it I realized that even though they'd be in trouble for duct taping me in the closet, I'd be in maybe even way more trouble for all the cursing that was caught on tape!!!

Ugh.

Yep, you guessed it, I destroyed the evidence by recording over it with Casey Kasem's show the next morning.

Hey, but I did tattle on them though, (of course I left out the part of me using bad words!) and they did get in trouble because my parents saw the residue of the duct tape on my mouth and hands!

They were grounded for a whole week and missed the 2 hour Love Boat special where Charro slept with Captain Stubing and had his love child.

I got to see it though!!

:)

Join in next week for WTF?! Friday, where I'll reveal what really happened to my sister's favorite cat.

I'm sure there are mean brothers and sisters at humor-blogs.com too, let's go duct tape their asses and throw them in a dark closet!!