So was I the only one who wasn't aware that there is an unwritten rule which says that we aren't supposed to do anything to ever offend Google lest we invoke their wrath and suffer the consequences? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since they are the Antichrist.
That's right, and I'm not afraid to say it, either:
GUESS WHAT EVERYONE?! GOOGLE IS THE ANTICHRIST!!!!
OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., I thought YOU were the Antichrist. Are you sure you aren't still hallucinating from all the Nyquil you ingested last week?".
No!!
Well, alright, maybe a little, but that's beside the point!!
Believe me, I was sure I was the one and only Antichrist, too, but I figure it all out after I watched this special program on Fox News the other day:
Yep, it was all about how Google is the devil and how they collect every little piece of information on us and how they are going to someday use it against us and control the world, which frankly, really scared the crap out of me when I thought of it, because I type some really bizarre shit into their search box sometimes!!
OK, pretty much all the time!
They could probably have me committed based on what I type in there.
Ugh.
You know, the very thought of them wielding so much power over the masses, well, particularly over ME, led me first to think I needed to kiss their ass for the rest of my life, and that led me to this frightening conclusion:
Google must be the Antichrist!!
Now, I know I've been claiming the title for a while now, and I know that I fit the profile pretty well and all, but hey, just stop and think about it for a minute.
It was through them that I found that "Are You the Antichrist" online test to begin with, so it is obvious that they wanted me to find and take that test, right?!
Right!
Why?!
Well, that's easy. It's because they feared my evil genius abilities and were trying to throw me off by making me think it was me and not them!!
Sadly, I fell for it, too, but lucky for me I have Fox News to help me see things straight.
Once the shock and disappointment wore off, I gathered up my courage and typed this into their search engine just to test out my new theory:
That's right, and guess what happened?
Well, my frigging computer crashed as soon as I hit the "Google Search" button, that's what happened!! Which, needless to say, only heightened my suspicions that it was them and not me who was the real Antichrist!
Honest!
Hey, I know what you are going through because I didn't want to believe it at first, either. I, too, had kind of grown fond of the idea that it was me, but any lingering doubts that I may have had were totally erased when I saw this in my cereal bowl the very next morning:
I know, pretty damn freaky, huh?!
Now that, my friend, is Antichrist-level power that I simply do not possess.
Honestly, I'm glad I don't wield that sort of power and I was actually relieved to be fully absolved of the responsibility that came with thinking I was the Antichrist.
I even thought it was a sign that I could finally put this all behind me and move on, but as usual, I was wrong!!
In fact, right after lunch, this whole thing took on a whole new level of 'holy shit, Chelle B., what sort of pure, unadulterated evil that is found only within the very deepest bowels of hell itself have you unleashed upon yourself??!'.
It actually came rather innocently wrapped up in this:
Ugh!!
Now, I don't know about you, but I just do NOT do well with being threatened, regardless of who it is doing the threatening!!
So, of course, I responded the same way any normal person would in that sort of situation - I wet my pants and then ran home and doused myself in holy water, then locked myself in the bathroom with a crucifix and a bible, along with a few gallons of tequila and a velvet painting of the Last Supper that I bought during my most recent trip down to Tijuana.
Oh, and I may or may not have grabbed an entire drawer full of steak knives and miscellaneous cooking utensils out of the kitchen on the way through, just as backup.
Well, and my trusty Ruger with hollowpoint bullets, too.
Maybe I had my Bowtech compound bow slung across my back as well, but I think I forgot the arrows so it really wouldn't have done me much good.
Look, you don't have to tell me that none of those things would have likely saved me against Google's (aka Antichrist's) wrath had he busted through the door to snuff me out, but need I remind you that I wasn't exactly thinking straight at the time?!
Between you and me, I really, REALLY wasn't thinking straight after that twelfth shot of tequila!
Hooyah!!
Anyhoo, I curled up in a fetal position there in that bathroom, drinking my fear away for three days straight until I finally sobered up and started craving some tacos and that's when I realized that the taco truck is where I should have went to begin with!!
I mean, honestly, who better to turn to in a situation like this than Jesus himself, right??!
Right!!
Welllllll....... I think they must have gotten to him before I did, because I told him EVERYTHING, and I even showed him the fortune cookie message but all he had to say about it was:
That really hurt, but I forgive him because he is my #1 fan!! No one else has my name tattooed on their head like he does.
Or did.
Hmm...
Poor Jesus! They must have come back after I left, too, and scared him into telling them what I said because the next day I found this out behind my house:
Was I scared?!
No way!!
OK, maybe just a little, but this time I had a massive tequila hangover to help numb the fear.
So naturally, I did the most logical thing possible: I ran back inside, doused myself in holy water, grabbed a few things, including my bible and my crucifix, as well as the last of the tequila and my velvet Last Supper painting, then jumped into my neighbor's tractor and left those bastards at Google my own little message:
That's right, I meant it too!!
Hey, they might be all-powerful but they don't scare me!!
Nope, not one bit.
OK, between you and me, maybe they do scare me just a little.
Alright, a lot!!
Even so, there is nothing you or I can do to stop them, so I am just going to pretend that they don't scare me and hope they believe it. I'm also going to keep on typing really bizarre shit into Google search until they either silence me or have me committed, or both.
Hey, I have to. It's research for my blog!!
;)
26 Offensive Comments:
I liked the crop circles. Google are my kind of people ...
Hmm, Chelle... The plot may be deeper than you think. You do realize that Blogger is completely and totally controlled by Google now? Food for thought. Good thing you have your crucifix, bible,tequila and the velvet painting of the Last Supper to save you.
And on a side note, I'm offended that you called Jesus your #1 fan. I thought I was your #1 fan.
I think I'm gonna go to the corner and sulk for a day or two...
I recommend typing "find Chuck Norris" and then hit the "I'm feeling Lucky button".
As an atheist, I find all this stuff about Google really hard to believe. But I will join you in typing weird shirt into their search engine.
I'm sorry...how much alcohol did you have?
They can see you...all of you....dododododo (I have no idea why I just wrote dodo...it was supposed to be doodoodooo...okay now it looks like doodoo...forget it)
Oh I've known for quite some time that Google is evil. They're like that little mouse with the huge head on that one show with the other mouse, the skinny stupid one... you know which show I mean, right?
And I've watched enough crime shows to know that Google has the power to destroy lives. Do you know how many people are behind bars because Google somehow knew that the husband had done a search for "cyanide" and "getting out blood stains" a week before the wife died?
Just between you and me, I think they're working on a plot to destroy France as well. Try entering "French victories" in the search box and clicking "I'm feeling lucky". Definitely some animosity there!
Now, about those other letters in your cereal...C O I M D A C... What could that possibly mean?? What are they trying to tell you??!!
Chelle, all you needed to do was buy some Google stock and then you were cool with those meanies from Silicon Valley.
[zombie voice]Join them! Join them! Join them![/zombie voice]
I fear for you Chelle, I really do. Just remember:
"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
So all three? Yikes.
Listen. I don't give a DAMNED who wants to be antichrist.
If you, or google, ever, EVER screw up MY crops again, I'll shove my damned tractor up your ass sideways!
Well, not you Chelle B, you might enjoy that. I'll think of something else for you.
Well, don't you worry about big, bad Google Chelle...we'll kick their badonkadonks if they try anything!
p.s. I can't even imagine some of the things you've searched on Google Chelle, but it made me laugh thinking about it. :o)
Not to worry Chelle. We can call on our favorite ninga Anok and she will eliminate Google for us. :P
P.S. You'd better move all blogspot accounts first though.
LMFAO. That is, by far, the best blog post I have ever read.
Content: 10
Graphics: 10
You rock.
I tend to believe that it is in fact, Fox News, not Google that is the anti-christ.
I recall watching a "news clip" in which they said that the birthrate of Hispanics in the U.S. is so high that they will become the majority within a few years, therefore (and here is the clincher) white people need to have more sex.
If this bit of information came from the mouth of Satan himself, I would not be the least bit surprised.
So, do not fear Google, but Rupert Murdoch instead.
Funny, as I waited yo comment, the little message bar at the bottom says "waiting for google analytics..."
after reading that, I am AFRAID to say what I was gonna say
:))
Great Post. Excellent Photos.
Hilarious.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud at my desk.
Now I have to go google something.
As long as Austin Girl & Fat Bastard are searchable and on top of AntiChrist's list. We are happy!!!
Yikes! Gawd forbid. Holy Macaroni...this shit's pretty damn scary. Not as scary as Fat Bastard's ass, but hey. -- Austin Girl
wow, I just found your blog on stumbleupon, very good read.
REally scary! Really really scary!
Hey Chelle, that was a great post! I'm so glad I stopped by, because it made me laugh. Very hard. And loud. And I needed that today. :)
Is is wrong if I feel bummed that you aren't the antichrist anymore?
Google is telling you to be o-fens-sive to all of it's obedient web slaves AND FORCE THEM TO PAY HOMAGE.
Hello Chelle, it's me, GOOGLE...
YOU MUST HELP US TAKE CONTROL OF THE UNIVERSE NOW SO PUT DOWN THE TANKARD OF NYQUIL, GET OFF YOUR DUFF AND PLEDGE YOUR HEAR AND SOUL TO....
dANG IT, i WASN'T FINISHED. sorry for the interruption. Mr. Google's wife just called me into the kitchen to reach for the pasta strainer on the top shelf.
ANYHOW.... GO FORTH AND PREACH THE WORD OF GOOGLE
Using Google, I found plenty of evidence that Sam Walton, the founder of Walmart, is the Anti-Christ. So unless this is all part of the insidious work of the true Anti-Crist, Google, then I have to conclude-- and this may be the Vicodin talking-- Walmart is the Anti-Christ.
Great blog post, BTW.
Heeeey, if Google is the Anti-Christ...
I'm going to hell surely.
Google is the Anti-Christ now, huh? I know some people who are gonna be terribly disappointed, because they have been looking in the wrong places...Thanks for the heads up!
If Google is the Anti-Christ, then Yahoo surely must be the Catholic priest of search engines. All the really salacious search results that popup at Google are hidden when you search for them on Yahoo. Call me paranoid, but I think there's something fishy going on. I'm going back to Axe Jeeves...
I've lost 2 girlfriends to Google now. Well, I didn't really lose them so much as leave them behind. Much like the company itself, after they start working there, they became pretentious megalomaniacal bitches that were impossible to deal with.
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