So did you miss me?! You better have, because I would be highly offended if you didn't, dammit!! Either way, I hope you had a great long weekend. I sure did, even though it rained off and on while I was camping up in the Tetons.

Ugh, it is so gorgeous up there this time of year!!

So anyhoo, while I was out there enjoying paradise under the stars in my shiny new camper, watching for those ever present yet elusive alien abductors lurking out there, you will never guess what came on the radio!!

????????????

Nooo, it wasn't the Google Gestapo sending me subliminal messages to kill myself, luckily they stopped doing that when I started back on my meds a few days ago!!

Actually, it was a rerun of Art Bell's show, Coast to Coast radio. You know, the really late night one where all the weirdos call in??

I know! I love that show!! Yep, and it was a good rerun, too.

It was one where he opened the lines up for ONLY real aliens and/or immortals to call in, which they did, and let me tell you, laying there in my cozy camper bunk looking up at the Milky Way through my moon roof, listening to one alien and/or immortal after another calling in to warn us human mortals of our impending doom, it reminded me that (a) I am sooo damn lucky to have an (almost) grizzly bear proof camper, and (b) I really frigging miss listening to that show!!

Sadly, it also reminded me of why I stopped tuning in.

It was right after that unfortunate little "misunderstanding" Mr. Art Bell and I had back in '96, when he stopped letting his screener take my calls:


Yeah, he did get one against me, but honestly, I don't know why he went that far, though!!

I mean, it's not like I was as psychotic as any of his other regular callers, who were obviously just crazy people that stopped taking their meds and stayed up way too late at night and called in over and over and over and over because they were pathetic, lonely attention whores.

OK, so maybe for a while I was staying up too late because I went off my meds, but still!

Oh, alright, and maybe I was also a bit of a pathetic, lonely attention whore who also happened to have an unusual and somewhat pathological crush on Art Bell's voice, but, hey, it was just a phase!

I mean, it's not like I paraded through the streets of his hometown and told everyone who would listen to me that he was an alien and I was his mistress or anything:

Alright, so I did, but come on, nobody took me seriously!!

Well, except for Art Bell.

Not at first, of course, he just laughed at me when it all started but I think I may have scared him a bit when I showed up at his local IHOP one morning looking like that, demanding that they let me in to see him.

I know he was in there, too, I saw him cowering under a table at one point.

Between you and me, I never thought he would take me seriously or be such a big damn sissy about the whole thing!!

Heh.

Look, it's not my fault that I blamed him for the fact that I was highly offended about not ever having had a real intimate alien encounter like his callers all seemed to have!

I mean, how do you think I felt, tuning in night after night, having it rubbed in my face that the aliens kept coming down to earth to make crop circle art, mutilate livestock and then totally ignore ME and pick up guys like this to abduct, strip-search, probe, impregnate and implant with a highly advanced human cattle tracking devices:

My therapist even said that I couldn't help myself from calling in every single night to ask him, "Hey, Art, just what the hell does that ^^ bastard have that I don't?!! Why is HE worthy of being abducted, strip-searched, probed, impregnated and implanted with a highly advanced human cattle tracking device and I'm not?!!".

"WHY, ART, WHY???!!!!!!".

Ugh.

OK, so I may have went too far when I paraded through the parking lot of his local IHOP as his mistress, and maybe I crossed the line that one time when I got all liquored up and jumped in my monster truck and drove out there to leave my menacing "crop circle art" out behind his house:

Yeah, well, in my defense, it was before the restraining order took effect, so technically I was within my legal rights, because in case you've forgotten, this is a free country, dammit!!

Oh, sorry, I don't mean to take it out on you, I'm just still bitter because I scratched my truck up doing that.

Plus, I paid my debt to society for it, and that was no picnic.

Well, OK, so they never pinned that one on me, but I did pay my debt to society after they caught me the third time that I "accidentally" shot down Art Bell's private plane with my homemade anti-aircraft missiles:

Haha! Oops!!

I even got on Fox News for that little stunt.

Hey, don't give me that look! How was I to know that he'd hired private security guards to watch my every move??! Or that he'd send up a body double the second and third time??

Sissy bastard.

Ugh.

I was sure I'd get off with just a few hours of community service by claiming it was self defense. My lawyer swore that he'd convince the jury that I thought it was Art Bell in his alien craft and that he had come back to abduct, strip-search, probe, impregnate and implant me with yet another highly advanced human cattle tracking device!!

Well, believe me, I won't be using that lawyer again!

So, while I was in there, not only was I banned from using the prison pay phone to call Coast to Coast radio to make Art explain to me why I wasn't good enough to be abducted, strip-searched, probed, impregnated and implanted with a highly advanced human cattle tracking device, I also may or may not have been arrested AGAIN shortly after my release for trying to infiltrate the Haarp project in Alaska, as well:

OK, I was arrested for it.

Now wait a minute, in my defense here, ART BELL is the one who told me on his stupid show that it was a highly advanced communication device for contacting alien life forms, and need I remind you who it was that gave me my complex about not having been contacted by ET's to begin with?!!

That's right.

So really, he should have been arrested, too!

Ugh.

Celebrities always get out of these sorts of things, it is just not fair.

Hey, in fact, now that I think of it, he should also be banned from Mt. Everest, like I am, too!

I'm serious!! It's all his fault that I went up there 28 times to leave little piles of Reeses Pieces everywhere and nearly froze to death hiking naked in a futile attempt to try to attract the attention of farsighted aliens who may be flying over the Himalayas.

OK, I'm lying. That one was completely my fault. The only show he ever did about the Himalayas was when he had real Yeti's call in to give their side of the story.

I admit it, I'm the one who stopped taking my meds and watched ET the Extra Terrestrial 382 times in a row and then thought I'd load up on Reeses pieces and head to the highest place on the planet so they couldn't miss seeing me.

Sadly, I also thought the sherpas I hired were on my side, but just like Art Bell, they certainly weren't.

I shouldn't even bring it up.

It's a bit embarrassing, actually.

Oh, alright, since you just have to know, I thought they were laughing with me as they kept saying, "ET - phone home!"... but, umm, well, heh, it turned out that's not what they were saying at all.

It's not my fault that I didn't speak Sherpanese or whatever!!

Finally one of them learned enough English to write it out plainly for me:

Yeah.

Mean bastards.

Hey, I can take a hint! I know when I'm not wanted!!

Honest, I haven't been back up there since then, but only because just like Art Bell, who started all this trouble, they all got restraining orders on me. I can't go back up there until 2012 and according to one of those alien and/or immortals who called into Coast to Coast the other night, that's when the world is ending anyway, so why even frigging bother?

Oh well, I bet that aliens read my blog and now they know that I am hoping for one of them to come along and abduct, strip-search, probe, impregnate and implant me with a highly advanced human cattle tracking device!!

Maybe I should put my address here so they can find me. Then again, some weirdo might see it and decide to come harrass me at MY local IHOP and that would really piss me off.

Plus, aliens have uber advanced mapping technology, they can probably just trace my IP address or something and find me that way, right??

Gosh, I do hope they hurry, the sun is coming back out and I have stuff to do outside!

Like some more camping up in the Tetons.

Hooyah!!

:p

They are all aliens AND they are sooo jealous and secretly wish that they lived in the Grand Tetons over at humor-blogs.com. It is really pathetic!!

HEY!!! Don't miss out on being my #1 fan on my other blogs:

The Offended American & Tetons and Beyond

Come on, you know you want to click them.... ;)