The "My Offensive Art Collection" Offensive

Soooo, I really don't mean to offend anyone who considers themselves to be an 'artist' or an art critic or anything like that and I know that art is supposed to be subjective and resides solely in the eye of the beholder and all that, but honestly, can someone please tell me if there is some sort of bizarre optical disease that afflicts certain people and makes their eye see 'art' where mine just sees utter and complete crap??

I mean, between you and me, some things are just not art, no matter how I look at them.

For instance, to me, this is definitely NOT art:

Three blank canvases?

What sort of "artist" does that?!!

Hell, even I could do that and I have no formal training whatsoever.

The sad thing is, had the artist sneezed a big booger onto it or smeared toe jam on it or eaten a bowl of his own feces and then projectile vomited some profound statement representing the suffering of humanity across it, it would have been worth wayyyy more because for some reason, a lot of people love offensive art.

They eat that shit up, (no pun intended!) and the more offensive the better!!

That's not the worst part, either.

No, the REAL crime is that idiots like this are raking in the dough from all this so-called "art":

Yeah, I know!!!!

Now, you tell me, doesn't that crazy bastard make a good poster child for why we desperately need to reopen a few of those old, decrepit mental institutions in this country?!

Heh.

You know, the really scary asylums that they had to shut down because just walking past one of them violates every human right possible?

Ones like this:

Well, except I think they should reopen them without the little window.

Hey, don't look at me like that!

Look, I bet that freaky artistic fellow up there would enjoy the privacy. That way he could paint the walls of his little cell with his body fluid in solace!

In fact, he should be sharing a windowless cell with fellow freak/"artist" Terrence Koh. They could collaborate and create windowless cell-wall masterpieces, since Mr. Koh's favorite mediums to work in are his own shit, blood, piss and semen.

Uh, not to mention dead livestock:

Believe me, I know a few sheep herders around here and he better just stay the hell away from Idaho if he knows what is good for him!!

Ugh.

Between you and me, I lose sleep some nights just knowing that I inhabit the same planet as that sick, twisted bastard. Not so much because he likes naked alone time with dead sheep, or that he paints self portraits using his own body fluid, but mostly because it pisses me off that he is richer than the frigging Pope!!

How fair is that?!

Well, it just isn't, so I decided since I can't beat them and have their asses committed to a decrepit old asylum with windowless cells, I will just join them instead.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., please tell me you aren't going to projectile vomit onto a canvas and call it art?!".

Oh please, I am wayyy more sophisticated than that!!

Well, alright, the truth is I can't really projectile vomit on demand, but I can be sick and twisted for money in other ways!!

Yep, and as soon as I post this, I am going to go out and find a local art gallery here in Idaho who will display my own offensive pieces.

Hooyah!!

Seriously, I really do have a few offensive pieces I'm working on right now that are going to make me very rich someday.

For instance, this one I call, "DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!! I Stubbed My Toe Again!!!":

Or, I might just call it, "Owww!!! I Frigging Hate Flip Flops!!", I haven't decided.

And this one is simply titled, "I Can't Wait Until I Am Rich Enough To Hire A Whole Family Of Illegal Guatemalan Midgets To Clean Up After My Lazy Ass!":

Oh, and one of my personal favorites that I am going to dedicate to my hubby, or Jesus my taco truck guy, if I ever catch one of them cheating on me is called, "Here Is The Microscope Slide I Stole From The Lab. See??! I Told You That Skanky Whore Had Chlamydia. I Hope It Was Worth It, You Cheating Bastard!!":


Of course, knowing my hubby, I'm sure his favorite one of all would be this piece that I simply named, "Yumm!! Dinner!!!":

Ha! I bet that freak Terrence Koh would come see my art exhibit.

In fact, I bet he would pay me a boat load of money just to have some naked alone time with that last piece!!

Sick freak.

Hmm, I wonder how much he'd offer me??

Of course, I'd have to make him wash his hands first before I let him touch it.

:p

I make everyone over at humor-blogs.com wash their hands before touching my pieces!!