The "So, are you one of THEM??!" Offensive

So, no offense, but I hope you aren't one of "them" because if you are, I am onto you and believe me, you won't get away with it for long!! Noooo, I don't mean one of Google's hit men, although, between you and me, I do think they have been following me lately.

I keep seeing this car everytime I leave the house:


Oh, and I also caught a few seconds of their disinformation propaganda campaign about me on Fox News yesterday.

Ugh!

I didn't get a chance to see what the look-alike they hired was saying, but apparently it was a bunch of lies to make me look crazy:

I know!!

Those Google bastards think they are so smart but they don't scare me.

OK, maybe a little but still.

Hey, just wait until my team of lawyers is through with their asses because when this is over, I'll own Google and then I can finally be the Antichrist! That will teach them to mess with me!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, what the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah!

So I hope you aren't one of "them", meaing those freaky ass people that my neighbor warned me about when I told him all about my blog and all about how much time I spend on the internet:


He's very smart, in fact he is like a super genius, so when he said that, it really worried me!!

Of course, I immediately thought of you, my #1 fan, and I was like, 'holy shit! It can't be true!!' so I thought I better just ask but then I thought about all of my other fans, and frankly, I didn't sleep at all that night worrying about it!!

I mean, I don't want to think that on the other side of my monitor lives some freak who pretends to be all normal when he comes to my blog but wears his mother's underwear and rubs cream of broccoli soup all over himself while he reads my Offensives!!

That would just be nasty!

I hate cream of broccoli soup!!

Ugh.

Of course, I try to think the best of all people, whether they are real or just online, so I thought I better get a second opinion about this before I brought it up.

I looked up my cousin who is a cop out in San Francisco and asked him his professional opinion about what my neighbor said, and here was his response:


Yeaaahhh, I know!!

I was really scared because I totally trust his judgment, he deals with a lot of these types every day.

To drive the point home, he even introduced me to someone out there that he knows personally who spends a lot of time visiting blogs like mine and hanging out in online chatrooms pretending to be a 12 year old Christian girl:


Scary, huh?! I don't know about you, but I could totally see that guy covered in cream of broccoli soup, so that really, really freaked me out!!

Yep, after meeting that freak I was wayyyyy more paranoid than I would have been if Google AND Walmart AND the Mossad were after me!!

Hey, don't give me that look, I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid of the Mossad. Those are some scary bastards!!

Anyhoo, after my neighbor's warning and then subsequently consulting with my cousin, I decided I better just stay offline to be safe.

Honestly, I did NOT want to end up being freaky broccoli guys next "craft" project, if you know what I mean!!

It wasn't so bad, my old (not freaky!) friends were pretty happy with that decision. They've been trying to get me off the computer for a while:


Gosh, I had forgotten how much I missed them, we used to have some great times together!!

Between you and me, I think they were jealous of all the time I spent online with the freaky broccoli guy who visited me on the net from deep within the labyrinth of his homemade human lampshade workshop/dungeon:

Oh, and speaking of jealous, once I went offline for good, I also found more time to hang out with my Fatwa friends.

I just love those crazy bastards!!

When I told them all about Mr. Freaky Broccoli guy and the nightmares he had given me and how he drove me offline, they were all too happy to offer to help:

Yep, they always watch my back.

Oh, and just so you know, I took them up on the offer so I hope YOU aren't freaky broccoli guy, because if you are, you might want to seriously rethink your whole freaky lifestyle and try to be more normal like my friends, neighbors and relatives who are offline.

Hey, I'm not kidding!!

Believe me, my Fatwa friends won't stop looking for you as long as you are a freak so you better just stop now and save yourself.

Like me, they can smell cream of broccoli soup from a mile away!!

:)

Uh-oh, I think I smell cream of broccoli soup coming from humor-blogs.com!!!