So no offense to all of you pathetic, non-handicapped couch potatoes out there who live vicariously through people like myself, but I decided that I am going to join the Special Olympics!!
Yep, and I bet I will even win third or fourth place in the ping pong division:
Hey, don't laugh!
I can blow wayyyyy harder than she can.
OK, I know what you're thinking, "Uh, Chelle B., being handicapped is nothing to make fun of, what the hell is wrong with you?!"
Oh! I'm sorry! Didn't I tell you? I am officially handicapped now so I can officially make fun of my own kind, because that is the unwritten rule of offending.
That's right, I have Restless Leg AND Tourette's syndrome and now that I am handicapped, I even got one of these things to hang in my monster truck:
Awww, I knew you'd be upset, but hey, don't be jealous!
You might be handicapped and not know it!!!
Man, I'm glad it happened to me, because to be honest, I've always wanted one of those things for my monster truck. Now I can get the best parking spot at the Sportsman's Warehouse and at the taco truck!!
Hooyah!!
Come to think of it, Jesus will probably feel sooooo sorry for me when he sees how handicapped I am, and I bet he'll even give me free extra guacamole and sour cream on my tacos!
Maybe he'll even give me a discount on some of that sticky, imported "incense". :D
Anyhoo, believe me, just like you, I would have never guessed that there was anything wrong with me when I woke up this morning.
Then I decided to go shopping.
Out into public.
Where there are people.
Who have children.
Out in public.
Children who act like this:
ARRRGGHHHH, I KNOW!!!!!!!
Now I don't know what it is like where you live, but here in Idaho, there are more and more of these little cretins out in public, and I'm not so sure that everyone here is aware that it is NOT a crime to spank your child.
In fact, I think it's a crime not to!!
At least it should be a crime not to.
Don't tell anyone, but I know for a fact that it is a crime to fake being handicapped just to get a little blue placard that insures a better parking spot and a shot at winning third or fourth in the Special Olympics ping pong, but that's not the real reason why I am faking being handicapped!
Between you and me, I just wanted a medical excuse to legally stick my "restless leg" out and trip those little screaming brats as they run past me in restaurants and stores.
I mean, their parents aren't doing anything about it so somebody has to do something to get their attention, right?!
Right!
Their parent's lack of discipline is why I decided to also convince my doctor that I have "Tourette's syndrome" too.
Which, now that I think of it, I may actually have that one because I really can't stop myself from yelling obscenities at these moronic parents who let their kids run amok in public.
For instance, today, I saw a few kids who were so out of control, I thought that they really needed one of these:
Heh.
Don't look at me like that, I thought they all could take turns sharing it.
With their parents!
You know, it's really too bad that this isn't an Olympic sport:
Because if it was, maybe I'd enjoy going out in public more often!!
Hell, I'd give up the good parking spot, free sour cream and guacamole as well as my handicap status just to join the regular Olympics because I know I could take gold in that sport.
I never got much practice, but believe me, I used to be pretty damn good at it back in the day!
Just ask my three very well behaved teenagers.
:)
23 Offensive Comments:
Ummm...I've been very naughty.
Wasn't that screaming kid in the red and blue rugby shirt actually home-schooled?
I'd be willing to spank a few of the Moms.
Did I say that out loud?
:::blush:::
I might be handicapped and not know it?! *gulp!* How can I tell?
AMEN & AMEN Chelle
I believe we should be allowed, nay required to slap the dog crap out of parents who let their wild critters run amuk in public.
I think DOM is right in more ways than one perhaps. Beat the mom's senseless....even if it becomes a new porn site....Hell look how far MILF got!
BTMS.com....a sure winner among pervs....not that I'm an expert or anything......Just last night though I stayed at a Holiday Inn.
Can't remember that chick's name now....doh
T
A child's life should be a long series of spankings, punctuated by brief and random interludes of wondering where, when and why his or her next spanking is coming.
And PS lol @ Don
I have to admit that when I first visited your blog, I had no idea what to make of it.
But after becoming a regular reader, well. . .Yeah, I still don't have a clue.
At least now I know that when you yell obscenities at me, you don't really mean it, it's just a flare up.
Yeah, it is a shame folks don't spank their kids. It does the kids a dis-service.
I need only carry the wooden spoon around to get everyone's attention.
How terrible a person am I if I admit that all children should be secured with such an electrifying device?
I mean, just imagine the drop in impudence!
-The Rev.
PS: I'm also a terrible person because, after reading this, I immediately perused Ebay for handicapped parking tags. Horrible, I know.
(and no, they're not allowed there)
If my kids are ever brats in public...you have my permission to beat the shit out of'em.
Let me borrow that handicap mirror thingy for a coupla weeks
Amen and Halle-effin’-lujah!
Their bad behavior also screws with the well behaved kids who witness it! If I go somewhere with my 5 year old niece and she sees tantrums, she’s always tempted to mimic them until she realizes we’ll have none of it!
Ha, I have thought about joing the specail olympics too, bout the only way I would anyhting.
Handicapped... lolz!! You might have to see some real handicapped and mentally retarded ppl b4 you wanna tell that!
Shravan
ha ha ha....I lost it after this line
"I can blow wayyyyy harder than she can."
Anytime I am feeling 'down" i know I can always get a hardy chuckle over here.
Thanks for the laughs
You know what really sucks? There's those crazy parenting-challenged moms out their smacking their kids for nothing, and then there's those out of control kids whose parents are counting to three and then pleading, Oh Rosebud, please behave!
Time for a little game of switch-the-mommy.
Don needs a spanking.
The other night at midnight, I was out at IHOP with some friends.
The waitress was the slowest, molasses-assed person on the planet. In fact, there were also molasses in her brain.
She asked if she could bring us some drinks. We all ordered water. With lemon. All of us. Every single one of us. Do you think she could handle this tough order? Noooooooooooo. She finally brought the food and we had to ask for our drinks. She said, "Oh yeah. Water." I think when she heard "water" she thought "air."
So the whole dining experience was like this. (I realize, calling it a "dining experience" at IHOP is a stretch.) At the end of the meal, one of my friends mentioned that she thinks the waitress is kind of shy. I said, "I think she's retarded."
My friends were appalled that I would say such a thing. I thought, "Dammit. Where is Chelle B. when I need her!"
You had me at "I can blow..." ha ha ha
Is Don your personal stalker? Yikes.
Spanking is a sport...just not a public one.
At work last week, a particularly offensive family came in to dine. Unfortunately, they sat in my friend's section but she was more than happy to fill us in.
The toddler in the family started screaming immediately after meeting their server. While my friend was filling their water glasses, the mother said, "Oh baby, don't cry, we'll get you the Pelligrino as soon as we can!"
Baby also loves her bread dipped in expensive olive oil.
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