You know, after visiting Becca and Kelly's offensively fun blog, Let's Bitch, it made me realize that I am really getting sick of hearing people bitch about stuff that they find offensive!!
Seriously.
I mean, you know me, I don't like to complain. If something offends me, I just ignore it and go on with my life. I don't obsess over it or bitch about it or tell everyone how offended I am!
For instance, take these communists who get all offended and uptight about what I eat. Now, you tell me, why exactly do they care what I ingest and/or digest??
What drives them to want to decide for me what I should do with my intestinal tract???
Honestly, who the hell are they to want to limit my God-given right to eat cows, or pigs, or chickens, or rabbits, or dogs, or cats, or hedge hogs, or hamsters, or even imported delicacies that come from far off and exotic lands like North Korea:
Hey, don't look at me like that.
For all you know, miniature Chinese communists taste good!!
Have you ever eaten them?!
Well, to be honest, neither have I, but if I did choose to eat them, it's my business and not yours, so don't try to tell me otherwise!
I didn't always feel this way, though.
In fact, at one time I even became a vegetarian for awhile.
Yep, it's true, and it all started after Jesus took me with him to pick up some of the fresh ingredients he uses to make my favorite taco truck tacos.
That's when he first introduced me to his cousin, Pedro, who just happens to work at one of the many places where Jesus gets free taco meat:
Yeah.
I know.
Believe me, it really frigging grossed me out after I saw Pedro sneeze all over my tasty taco meat!!
Ugh.
He didn't even wipe it off, either!!
Well, and you know me, my imagination tends to get a bit carried away when offensive things happen. So, of course I started wondering if Pedro even changed those gloves after using the bathroom or what kind of weird fetishes Pedro might have and what exactly did Pedro do when he was all alone with my taco meat if he had weird fetishes and...
I know!!!!!
YUCK!!!!!!!!!!
The thought of Pedro getting freaky with my taco meat and leaving fetish cooties all over it really turned me off of food altogether, so, naturally, I became a vegetarian!
Of course, that didn't last very long.
Between you and me, I blame Jesus and his all natural, meat-free, vegetarian tacos:
OK, they didn't look that nasty and I mean, it's not that they tasted bad, per say, but for some reason they made me deathly ill and I ended up hospitalized!
Which sucked, because more than anything, I frigging hate doctors. Technically, they are communists themselves because they always want to tell me what to do!!
Oh, and, get this... while I was in there, I was force-fed hospital "meat" by those communist bastards and believe me, after I thought about all the cooties that live and multiply in a hospital, and where that "meat" they forced me to eat might have been, Pedro's fetish cooties in my meat-filled Jesus tacos didn't sound so bad, after all!!
It's a good thing it all happened the way it did, really, because I actually became quite the activist after my vegetarian near-death experience.
Seriously, I really want people to know the truth:
Of course, I have to kickbox the crap out of a lot of PETA protesters who show up everywhere I go. They try to limit my freedom to offend them and others with the truth about vegetarian tacos, but hey, that's OK!!
It's a free country.
Yep, they are free to let me to kickbox the crap out of them anytime they'd like.
:)
31 Offensive Comments:
lol, you're awesome! Offensive at it's best :D. Almost gagged when I saw the blood pic (+10 offensive points to you). I found it offensive and bitchy... nice.. 10 out of 10!
What are those lovely little fluffy things being brutalized in that pic? Looks like one of them nearly escaped but couldn't get its other leg out the vice in time...
I was wondering what the second picture was. I think I see aspargus but the rest is a mystery.
I totally agree with you. Who do these people think they are to tell us what to do? I mean, if I see a cute pair of shoes in a store and they just happen to be made out of leather I might as well go ahead and buy them right? I mean, we don't want that cow to have died in vane right? Right?
Hell of a post. Where does the pink taco fall into the equation? Better or worse than the vegetarian? I guess technically it wouldn't be "vegetarian" but now we're just getting picky. Honestly, I like tacos of all different shapes, sizes, and colors.
I liked the way you offended me. I'll be back to be offended more.
Anyone who gets offended at what I eat has way too much time on their hands. It just amazes me how ready people are to force their beliefs on me.
Thanks for pointing out the many ways we can be offended...most of which are a complete waste of time.
OK time out ..TWEEEETTT..vegetarian Taco...what's next Soya Beer..enough already..:))
@ Becca ~ Awwwwwwwww, thanks!!!
Of course my male readers will probably all run off when they visit your blog and see how attractive and talented you and Kelly are hehe. ;)
@ Tiggy ~ I had to go back and look, and sure enough two of them look like they were caught trying to escape! :o
@ Tracy ~ I believe the rest is nasty mold, but don't quote me on it. And yes, by all means, do not let the dead cow go to waste!
That would be a crime against humanity and probably contributes to global warming somehow. ;)
@ Sully Sullivan ~ Hahaha! Maybe I will write an Offensive in your honor about questioning my sexuality. I can name it The "Pink Tacos.... Yummm??" Offensive. ;)
@ Lee ~ You are right, and you are welcome. Come back to get offended anytime. :)
@ confused ~ That would be blasphemy. Tacos are one thing, but beer is sacred, dammit! :p
Rabbits anyone.Nice posts.
You will be my new diet guru. Anytime I'm hungry, I'll just come over here and lose my appetite.
I loved the wrapped woman though...
Eat all th chinks you want.
Jus be sensible and use a fork.
None o this chopsticks shit.
You put the "funny" in "basket full of dead bunny scrapings."
I've never had human meat imported from china, but I've gotten a taste of a penis all-day-sucker once or twice...*grin*...
and I'm thinking that maybe one of those on a lightly toasted bun with some ketchup and onions....yep...
Of course a penis sucker will still work for me...
Awesome post...I'll be laughing/throwing up all day thinking about it..LOL
I say if you want to eat hamster or chinese people or llama tail, you just go right ahead. Eating is the only thing the gubment hasn't found a way to tax yet!
lol...Wow,this is my first visit...this is a great deal to "digest"...:0) Love it...will check back!!!
Cheers...
Great.
Now I want bunny.
...and a PETA Protester taco.
Did I ever tell you that I have food fetishes, too? The She-wolf and I are pure carnivores, and you're right...PETA pockets are awesome for a mid day snack.
I'm just a little taken aback, though. Pedro doesn't seem to have all his faculties, but he does seem to be focused on a very small utensil that he either stuck in his nose before he sneezed or was utilizing for cavity searches.
I'm going to stop eating at all...because if you watch TV they all tell me what to eat. Commercials, morning news, talk shows and even the damnable reality shows want me to try out exotic roaches and slugs or some shit.
You my dear, are my alter-ego, if I were non-offensive and not of canine decent. The She-wolf has given me permission to have a mental affair with you, but alas, I haven't asked you first.
Awesome as usual.
My local hospital advertises that they have dining facilities for the whole family. Yeah, the first thing I think of for fine cuisine is the hospital.
C'mon, kids, let's all pile in the monster truck, we're going to County General for dinner.
Hmmm, I may have gotten a blog post idea. Thanks. You're da bomb.
@ Gluttony ~ Rabbit stew, mmmmmmmmm!! :)
@ Bee ~ Shit, I could charge people a fortune as a diet guru. Google images has a never ending supply of appetite suppressing photos I could use! :)
@ Joe ~ WTF?! Chopsticks are for sissies and trombone players. :p
@ Ryan ~ Awww, thanks! (that is a compliment I hope!) :p
@ Goddess ~ LMAO I agree, those are the best popsicles ever made!! :D
@ damon ~ Yes, and if I even want to eat salmonella contaminated tomatoes on my sandwich, who the hell are they to stop me?! ;)
@ azure ~ Glad you enjoyed it, I promise to be a bit more graphic and offensive next time for you. :)
@ Mooooooog ~ I can hook you up with a PETA taco, but did you remember to wash your fetish cooties off before you came by?! :p
@ Wolf ~ Haha! Tell Mrs. She-Wolf that we can trade, Mr. Offended is very handy with tools. ;)
@ Da Old Man ~ Well, I am happy to have inspired you, and I agree!
What sort of sick sadist makes their children eat at the hospital cafeteria?
Hmm, actually, my children have been pissing me off today.... :)
Oh my, what is Pedro doing with all those poodles?
Great post; it cracked me up and made me hungry! lol :)
Interesting...I like your style :P
@ PracticallyJoe ~ I shudder to think what Pedro is up to, but as long as he has a fake green card, it's a free country, right?! :p
@ Bryan ~ I am not sure what to think if you left here hungry! I mean, are you mad?! Oh wait, you came here so that answers my question, doesn't it. :D
@ Amanda ~ Thanks! I like yours too, which is why I blogrolled you. Expect tens of stalkers daily now!! ;)
I spoke my mind and got deleted;)
Anyway you are one of the very few I miss:(
stay tuned for notblogcatalog.com
After I knock out a few other sites.
It's already ordered just for the fun of it
See you around
I should stumble you from each my accts there you'd really FREAK OUT;)
Eating is kind of like burping. It just depends on what fragment of society you are in whether or not it offends someone -
Dang! That is almost deep...
almost
Holy Frijole! Is that spinach in a cloud? My favorite dessert!
Your blog is drop dead gorgeous, by the way. I mean, you know, as friends.
@ John Sullivan ~ It's plain old Communism I tell ya. ;)
@ Barry ~ Hey, that WAS almost deep! I am proud of you. :D
@ Nanny Goats ~ Why thank you! Don't tell anyone, but I outsource all of this to some guy named Haji who lives in India.
He does a fabulous job, doesn't he?! :p
While an award, even honorable mention, from you is more than enough for normal men, I am far from normal. In my last ditch effort to win this contest, I offended men, women, and those who have not decided yet.
http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/did-you-ever-do-something-goofy-for-no.html
If you are still not convinced, my Father's Day post even mildly offended me. I won't give a link, because at this point, it's just gilding the offensive lily.
You go girl! hahahaha! Love the wit and sarcasm! Much love your way!
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Remember, anything you say might highly offend someone... but hey, to hell with those sissy bastards, say it anyway!!