The "Pay Up, Whitey!!" Offensive

So hey, don’t get all offended on me, but if you happen to be white and you are reading this, you owe me some money, dammit. That’s right, it’s called reparations and if you don’t pay, I will have no choice but to call up my Jewish lawyer. He’ll make sure you cough up what you owe me!!

Don’t look at me like that. I mean, don’t you think my people have suffered enough at the hands of your people??

Ugh.

Believe me, I still suffer.

OK, I know what you’re thinking… “Chelle B., I don’t owe you money! I know where you live, you are whiter than me and probably belong to the Neo-Nazi White Bloggers Guild of Idaho or something!“

Hey, don’t stereotype me! It is not my fault that I look white!! It’s probably because I don’t get enough sun here in Idaho.

Oh, and for the record, I don’t even live within driving distance of the Neo-Nazi White Blogger’s Guild:

OK, so technically I am within driving distance, but still. With the price of gas, I hardly even make it to all of the meetings anyway so it’s not like I am a full-time member or anything!

Ugh.

Plus, like I said, I only look white anyway and once word gets out that I found this picture in my family photo album, I will probably get kicked out of the Guild for good:

Ha!

I told you!!

This is proof that my people didn’t own slaves, they were slaves, so naturally, that makes me not white and therefore I am eligible for reparations.

So… pay up, dammit!!

Oh, don’t worry, I’ll put the money to good use, I promise!! I’m going to run off with Jesus down to Mexico so we can drink tequila on the beach and I can finally get that frigging tan I’ve been dreaming of:

Ugh.

Seriously, though, I feel soooooo much better knowing the truth. I mean, I always just assumed that my people were slave owning bastards and to be honest, I felt a bit guilty over it!!

Plus, it does make sense now. It does explain my obsession with Jesus, who, in case you are wondering, is not white, and why I love to eat his tacos so much. Yummm!!!

Oh, and I love Chinese food and pizza, too!

Between you and me, I also like to wear a yarmulke and say “Oiy Vey” and pretend that Subway is a kosher deli.

Hey, don’t look at me like that.

We don’t have any kosher deli’s in Idaho, I have to pretend!!

Speaking of that, Oiy Vey, I can’t wait to tell my brother about this, either!!!

For years now, he’s been trying to convince everyone that he is a full blooded Indian so that he can live on the ‘rez’ and get money from the government to buy cheap hookers and liquor:

Yeah, I know, I can’t believe nobody believes him, either!! I mean, he looks Indian to me but what do I know??

Oh well, they’ll believe him now and he’ll have all the cheap hookers and liquor his little Injun heart desires.

Plus, knowing the truth will also help me to better explain to my children why they don’t look like me or my very white hubby:

My hubby will be relieved, too, I’m sure.

Even he has asked why they look like Jesus, and even though I always forget to take my ADD meds and pick them up, I’m pretty sure they all do look like Jesus, which is weird.

Well, one of them kinda looks more like his cousin, Pedro. He fills in for Jesus sometimes down at the taco truck and I sometimes get them mixed up.

Heh.

Pedro doesn’t seem to mind! He plays along!!

Oh, well, it doesn’t matter, I don’t have time to worry about who my children look like right now, anyway.

In fact, I better go fill up my monster truck and drive up to the Neo-Nazi White Blogger’s Guild hall before the meeting starts!!

There is a special guest tonight and I don’t want to miss his speech:

Yep, and I hear he is a really good speaker. The newsletter said he’s going to talk about how to make sure that all you slave owning whitey’s pay up for the abuse you’ve put my people through.

So remember to bring your checkbook the next time you come by.

Hooyah!!

:p