Well, I don't know what the hell I did to offend that bitch Mother Nature, but for the third time now I've had to postpone a camping trip into Yellowstone Park since she is obviously trying to kill me every time I step outside.

Seriously.

I can't even go out there anymore because every time I do bad things happen and I know she wants me dead but I have no idea why!

I mean, her and I have always gotten along so well and we agreed that I would suffer through the arctic winters as long as if by June she made it look like this here so that I can go outside and soak up the warmth and the beauty that is spring and summer here in the Greater Yellowstone area:


Yeah.

I know.

It really looks better in person, too, believe me.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., are you crazy?! Why aren't you outside enjoying that incredible scenery, no matter what Mother Nature throws your way?!".

Ha!

Of course I'm crazy but do you have any idea what that bitch has in her arsenal to try and kill me with?! Lately she has been sending gale force winds and demon-faced clouds after me, and believe me, you do NOT want to mess with her demon-faced cloud minions:


See what I mean?!!

If it wasn't for them, I'd be sitting on my ass in my floaty chair, in my pool, outside in the warm sunshine, bitching to myself about how hot it was and how I wish winter would hurry up and come back.

Or, I'd be going to Yellowstone to camp and take pictures of the grizzly bears.

And to play in the mud with my truck.

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, though, I think Mother Nature isn't just after me, because I'm pretty sure she killed the dog already.

Hey, I'm serious!

I let him outside to do his thing but the wind was so strong that I couldn't open the door to let him back in, and well, it was just a good thing that I forgot to take my ADD pills and pick up the kids from wherever the hell they were or they'd have been pissed:


Oh well, I never really liked that dog anyway.

But I am afraid of my children, so for a few minutes today, I thought I was actually going to get to go outside and bury that poor bastard and maybe even get some sun if I had time before the kids hitchhiked home, but nooooo!!!

In fact, come to think of it, Mother Nature reminds me of my own mother, who was much the same way when I was growing up:


Hey, I'm not kidding!

That crazy, lithium-deficient, homicidal maniac tried to kill me more than once!

Of course, since I inherited half of my DNA from her, I was a bit of a lithium-deficient homicidal maniac myself, which is a good thing because it gave me the courage I needed to stand my ground with her.

I'm not ashamed to admit it, it got a bit ugly at times.

In fact, I'm sure that despite our efforts to hide the fact that were were both lithium-deficient homicidal maniacs, our neighbors were quite aware that things got a little crazy every now and then.

They probably even overheard me backtalking her once or twice during our little 'disagreements' over which one of us was more stubborn:


Heh.

It was definitely me.

Lucky for the neighbors though that I figured out if I spiked my mom's coffee with lithium, the homicidal tendencies she displayed would completely go away and we could all sleep in our beds in peace at night.

Well, OK, so technically it wasn't really lithium, it was LSD but, hey, it worked!

Alright, so it didn't really make the homicidal tendencies go away, but at least she was too busy killing imaginary rocking horse people who lived in the strawberry fields with their kaleidescope eyes instead of killing me!!

Anyhoo, it's not like I can spike Mother Nature's coffee with LSD and make this all go away, can I.

Ugh.

You know, though, the more I think of it, the more I realize that I don't care what the weather is doing because I don't want to go to Yellowstone anyway!!

Why??

Well, because every time I go, the same dork is there with his funny accent and bad attitude, wearing his stupid socks with his sandals:


Ugh.

He's never happy, either. All he does is walk around bitching instead of just appreciating what Mother Nature created here for him to overpay to see.

Heyyyyyy, you know what?

Maybe Mother Nature isn't after me at all!

Maybe she really wants to kill HIM for being such a sour puss dork. I know if I were her, I would want to!

Either way, I wish he'd just go to Florida and take this shitty weather with him.

:p

There are quite a few sour puss dorks who wear socks with their sandals over at humor-blogs.com