Hey, I'm serious!
Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault that I just can't take being victimized anymore!!!!!!!
OK, I know what you're thinking... "Chelle B., who in the world is victimizing you? Whoever it is, I'll kick their ass because I'm your #1 fan and I only love it when you victimize me with your Offensives!!!".
Awww, thanks!! That is sooooo nice of you and if you really want to help me not to be a victim, I guess you can start by kicking some ass on the people who made my refrigerator:
I know!!
It is empty but hey, it's not my fault.
I read the ENTIRE manual and nowhere in it did it say that I had to go get a job and keep buying food to put in there!!
Ugh.
Those global refrigerator conglomerates obviously work in tandem with these bullies:
Yeah, I am their victim too!Those evil bankers work with those evil foreclosure sign manufacturers who are probably enslaving and victimizing an entire indigenous group somewhere in Guatemala, all just to victimize me.
Between you and me, it's not MY fault that I lied about having a job or enough money to pay the mortgage or that I didn't read the terms of my loan before I signed it!
I mean, that's not MY problem, that's the bank's problem, right?!!
Right.
Ugh.
Believe me, those evil banks just love to victimize me every chance they get. They've done it for years, starting with giving me all those credit cards I had to use to pay for tacos and beer and bikinis for all those trips I had to take down to Cabo for spring break while I was in college getting my degree in the fundamentals of victimization.
They even repossessed my car that they financed for me just because I only made 2 payments on it and assumed they wouldn't notice!!
I know.
How dare them notice. :(
Well, at least I'm not the only victim out there. I went to school with a lot of them. Victims like this guy:
Now you tell me, why the hell didn't the college tell any of us that we weren't going to get our dream jobs and be rich right after we graduated??!! I mean, everyone knows a college degree is supposed to be a guarantee to a life of ease, right?!Right.
So really, it won't be HIS fault when in 20 years he is too overqualified and can't find a job as an abstract baking soda analyst, right??
Right!!
Oh, and I hope you'll give him a dollar when you see his sorry ass out by the freeway holding his sad sign:
Hey, don't give me that look.
You better feel sorry for him!!
Don't you know that not feeling sorry for him would be victimizing that poor victimized victim even more??
OK, I know what you're thinking and before you say it, how dare you even think of suggesting that he take a job as a waiter or janitor or fast food server or taco truck driver?!
I mean, how frigging cruel are you that you would have him take away some poor illegal bastard's job?! Didn't that poor illegal bastard not suffer enough punishment by being stuffed into a box car with 12,000 other poor illegal bastards?
Don't you feel at all guilty that he probably practically suffocated while being shipped over the border for that job??
Honestly.
My overqualified friend should sue your ass for just thinking about not giving him a dollar, and that poor illegal bastard whose job you want taken away should sue your ass, too.
Hell, I should sue your ass myself, because frankly, just the very idea that you might think about them like this makes me feel victimized by proxy!
Hey, don't think I won't sue you, either. I'm already suing the makers of this:
That's right! I have been a victim on toilet paper for, well, for as long as I've been wiping my ass with it!!
My lawyer said that it's not MY fault that I am addicted to it, either. Those evil genius bastards who manufacture toilet paper made it extra soft and cushiony on purpose because they knew that I would get hooked on using it.
Yep, and he is going to make them pay me millions in damages. I'll never have to work again and I can wipe my ass with crisp, clean fifty dollar bills!
Hooyah!!
Hey, now that I think of it, you're probably a victim of toilet paper, too.
If you promise to give my overqualified friend a dollar, I'll give you the number to my lawyer, OK?!
:)
17 Offensive Comments:
You have the loveliest cheekbones I have ever seen. I've decided I'm going to stalk you.
As for the victim thingy ... cant help you there but you can vent out your frustration on me, you Greek cheekbone goddess !
Speaking about cars, the salesman "forgot" to tell me that I had to buy gasoline periodically and change the oil and bring it in for a tuneup!
The college forgot to tell me that I had to study to get good grades. I'm gonna sue them!
If your lawsuit takes results in the uncovering of top secret toilet paper company information, I bet we'll start seeing commercials like those for truth.com. They might be commercials for the-real-poop.com.
Your lawsuits are a lot more sound than some of the silly things people sue for these days!
The whole foreclosure phenom can be blamed on the Public School Systems... Millions went through and a large percentage of them never learned to add, subtract, or figure simple interest! Lenders and Ex-Home Owners alike have suffered from this glaring lack of Math skills...
Hey! just because you are victimized doesn't mean you can victimize me :P
...and here I thought you were gonna sue because the paper is dispensing the WRONG WAY off of the roll!
I have to say being a "victim" has its perks. I mean you get to join all these cool "victim rights" group who give you cookies and orange juice and tell you how they will change your pathetic views on life.
what chelle? you didn't get your cookies or orange juice?...well I will have to kick some ass for you them. I am moving and life just sucks cheese balls right now...Have a good one.
My microwave has the same problem as your fridge. I took it back to Sears because there was never any pizza in it. And they had the gall to call Security when I demanded my money back.
These bastards are all in it together, I bet.
my ass AND my nose are addicted to toilet paper. I'm too cheap to buy tissues...
They (being the gov't) line the tp w/ heroin to get our asses craving that shit.
or is it craving TO shit?
now excuse me while i go work the corner to try and sell some Charmin to the local kiddies. School's out ya know!
I always crack right up when I read your posts. You are a talented humorist and writer. This time the hippy holding the over qualified sign made me snort and then howl. And, don't tell anyone but I do use an excessive amount of soft TP. Great stuff!
I'm very sorry because I can't think of anything offensive to say. You're very very funny and I enjoy reading you. Did I say that right?
"This website will most definitely yet inadvertently link to content that is offensive, obscene, obtuse, annoying, frivolous, boring, politically incorrect, amazingly dull"
Ok, take out the word "inadvertently" since now you are linking to my blog :-) (and don't make yourself a victim for that).
BTW, don't even dare to compete with leftish people of my country. When it comes of self victimizing we are the champions of the world (I can even hear Queen singing "We are the champions" when I think about that).
I'm seriously considering plagiarizing you when I decide to start a political blog to "celebrate" leftish victimization. ;-)
What really galls my ass is they never tell you about the TP dust that collects and turns into dingleberries. Now THAT offends me.
I'm a victim of Circumstances. I'm going to sue that bastard.
"Won't work I'm too over qualified."
That one is the best.
Tell that one to the unemployment center.
Speaking of victimization, why did I get a hangnail today? How come I stubbed my tow? Why are the dishes piling up? How come the house is not dusted and vacuumed? Why do I have to work? How come I have to floss my teeth tonight? Why do I have to exercise? How come no one is getting me a new car? And while I'm at it...as far as toilet paper goes....WELL, you know...I just do like the bears!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL Love ya sweetie! R
Damn! All these years I've been using chunks of old truck tires, but I'll give your buddy a buck if you hook me up with your Lawyer anyway, hey maybe he can find an angle to sue the Rubber companys?
heh heh I said Rubber. :)
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Remember, anything you say might highly offend someone... but hey, to hell with those sissy bastards, say it anyway!!