The "Scale of Evil part 1.5" Offensive

Sooo half way through the process of placing myself and my fellow humor bloggers on Dr. Stone’s scale of evil, I suddenly realized that my lone act of depraved evil was not entirely my fault and therefore I refuse to show you where I rank on the scale until I have a chance to set the record straight!

OK, I know what you’re thinking, “Chelle B., you can’t fool me! You don’t have a spot on the scale of evil, you are not capable of even one depraved and demented act!!“.

Oh, believe me, I am capable!

Not only that, but by the time I was 10, I had done this one thing that I am so ashamed of that I can hardly believe I did it.

Hey, don’t laugh, I am serious!!

But like I said, it is not entirely my fault. I blame my mean older brothers and sisters, really. I mean, even my team of court-appointed psychiatrists agree that they are the ones to blame since they are the ones who bullied me into becoming a deranged psychopath capable of unspeakable acts that would someday land me on Dr. Stone’s scale of evil.

I could be the poster child for bullying, in fact:

Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too.

It is sad but true, I know firsthand how bullying can turn an otherwise sweet and angelic child into a monster.

I mean, I personally helped bully this one really nice kid I went to school with into becoming a deranged, psychopathic murderer:

Well, at least I assume that’s what happened to him, he kinda sorta dropped out of school in the 6th grade, never to be heard from again.

Hey, don’t give me that look, it’s not my fault that his parents named him Harry!!

I mean, with a last name like BALL, who frigging names their kid Harry?!!!

Ugh.

I know, it’s almost like they wanted him to be teased, tormented and beaten up by his classmates at Teddy Roosevelt elementary and honestly, it’s not like I enjoyed teasing him or anything:

Ok, that’s not exactly true.

I admit it, I enjoyed the stomping on his tear-streaked face part of it a bit.

Ok, a lot.

Heh.

Between you and me, some nights I lie awake all night long, clutching my Hello Kitty Ruger, just waiting for that psychopath bastard Harry Ball to sneak in to my room and exact his revenge on me!

He’s probably already slaughtered the rest of my former classmates:

Ooooh, I just hope he got that Christina Filmore, man I hated her!!

She always stole my boyfriends, including Mr. Chester, our 6th grade gym teacher – who she later married!!

I know, what a bitch, huh?!

Don’t tell anyone, but I got her back though. Yep, I snuck in her house one night a few years ago and knocked her over the head with a baseball bat and then tied up and raped Mr. Chester all night long.

Hey, believe me, he did NOT seem to mind! In fact, when she started to come to, he grabbed the bat and knocked her out again and then begged for more.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, where was I again?

Oh yeah, my lone, depraved act of evil that I was driven to commit, all thanks to my evil brothers and sisters who bullied me.

Ugh.

Here it is, please just promise me that you won’t hate me:

Hey, I only did it in a desperate attempt to make my parents wake up and see what those mean bastard siblings of mine were turning me into!!

Oh, alright, fine, I only did it because I wanted a new Hello Kitty dolly for Christmas.

Well, and I wanted to make sure my hatchet was sharp enough to slice through the little head of my brother’s new puppy before I attempted it.

Hey, don’t look at me like that, that little frigging puppy peed on my Hello Kitty comforter, he deserved to go down for it, dammit!!

Next time I will reveal to you where this evil act landed me on the scale of evil, don’t miss it!

:p