So recently I was invited by a friend to attend services at the local Catholic church. Of course I declined, and I think I may have offended my friend in doing so.
I know. 
But in my defense, he’s the one who put me on the spot so I had to come up with something, and I certainly didn’t want to tell him that I just don’t need any church to fulfill my needs because I fulfill my own needs quite nicely and quite often, thank you very much.
Hey!
Don’t give me that look!
I meant I fulfill my needs by going to see Jesus at his taco truck every day and playing with the church sign generator!
Ugh.
You are such a perv!
Anyhoo, instead of just being blunt with him in order to spare his feelings, I quickly came up with my 5 best reasons that explain why I can’t be Catholic. I don’t think he bought them:
1) What if the priest is really good looking?
I mean, I have only kneeled before a man for one reason and one reason only and I’m not sure I would be able to do it for any other reason, especially for anything to do with God.
That would just feel wrong!!!
2) I have looked but still haven’t found a patron saint of blogging:
How could I take worship seriously if I don’t have a patron saint watching over me and my blog??
3) The pope scares the shit out of me every time I look at him!
Honestly, if I didn’t already suspect either myself or Google as being the antichrist, he’d be right up there at the top of my list!
*shudders*
4) I would feel obligated to tell them EVERYTHING during confession:
Yep, and I don’t want to be responsible for the psychological damage that I may or may not bestow upon some poor, unsuspecting bastard who had the misfortune of being assigned to the confessional chamber on the day I decided to drag my ass to church!!
Ugh.
The guilt would be a heavy burden for me to bear.
5) They might suspect me if I become possessed and cause ‘evil things’ to happen:
Hey, I can’t guarantee that I won’t become demon possessed and start stabbing priests with golden crucifixes or drowning them in vats of holy water, can I?!
I mean, it is the Catholic church.
Think about it, in every single movie where there is demon possession, who is right there in the middle of it?
That’s right!
Poor bastards.
6) Did I mention that the pope scares the shit out of me??
*shudders again*
:p
Sunday, July 6th, 2008, 8:54 pm | 
Catholic Offensives, Google Offensives, Personal Offensives | 
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