So recently I was invited by a friend to attend services at the local Catholic church. Of course I declined, and I think I may have offended my friend in doing so.
I know. :(
But in my defense, he's the one who put me on the spot so I had to come up with something, and I certainly didn't want to tell him that I just don't need any church to fulfill my needs because I fulfill my own needs quite nicely and quite often, thank you very much.
Hey!
Don't give me that look!
I meant I fulfill my needs by going to see Jesus at his taco truck every day and playing with the church sign generator!
Ugh.
You are such a perv!
Anyhoo, instead of just being blunt with him in order to spare his feelings, I quickly came up with my 5 best reasons that explain why I can't be Catholic. I don't think he bought them:
1) What if the priest is really good looking?
I mean, I have only kneeled before a man for one reason and one reason only and I'm not sure I would be able to do it for any other reason, especially for anything to do with God.
That would just feel wrong!!!
2) I have looked but still haven't found a patron saint of blogging:
How could I take worship seriously if I don't have a patron saint watching over me and my blog??
3) The pope scares the shit out of me every time I look at him!
Honestly, if I didn't already suspect either myself or Google as being the antichrist, he'd be right up there at the top of my list!
*shudders*
4) I would feel obligated to tell them EVERYTHING during confession:
Yep, and I don't want to be responsible for the psychological damage that I may or may not bestow upon some poor, unsuspecting bastard who had the misfortune of being assigned to the confessional chamber on the day I decided to drag my ass to church!!
Ugh.
The guilt would be a heavy burden for me to bear.
5) They might suspect me if I become possessed and cause 'evil things' to happen:
Hey, I can't guarantee that I won't become demon possessed and start stabbing priests with golden crucifixes or drowning them in vats of holy water, can I?!
I mean, it is the Catholic church.
Think about it, in every single movie where there is demon possession, who is right there in the middle of it?
That's right!
Poor bastards.
6) Did I mention that the pope scares the shit out of me??
*shudders again*
:p
Sunday, July 6
The "Why I Can't Be A Catholic" Offensive
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26 Offensive Comments:
You are friggin hilarious. I almost laughed myself silly. Pope Benedict is a creepy looking something though ain't he?
On the plus side... free wine and crackers.
Yeah, but they totally limit you to one small cup of wine.
If you are searching for a church I'd at least go with the ones who have mega TVs and cup holders.
That was utterly ridiculous. No priest would ever be interested in a woman. They're mostly interested in... other things. You need a Reverend or a Rabbi if you want to have an affair with a religious leader.
I live across the street from a Catholic Church and although I don't belong to it, i've been contemplating going over there. Every Saturday night the local Mexicans throw some BANGIN parties in the basement!!
i know!
and it's a Polish Catholic Church.
I KNOW!
Aw father full grace Chelle got in a chicken race...
I gotta tell ya its a pain in the ass to post a comment on your blog Chelle, hope you had a good 4th!! :D
Speaking of confessions lol, you need to read my post "dont let the door hit you in the ass as you leave...http://kat-com.blogspot.com/2008/06/if-youve-poked-around-my-blog-enough.html
that will really scare ya lol
I'm Catholic but I find this funny and yes, the Pope also scares me. =)
Let's get a little more about you kneeling down before men in these posts.
I was born and raised Catholic but I think that organized religion is oppressive along with all the other reasons you give of course ;)!!!
Seeing that you live in Idaho I think I can arrange to have two very polite young men in suits at your door in approximately two minutes. They have literature and firm handshakes.
No...you don't want that? Oh. Meh. I didn't either and I'm from Utah.
I would have gone to the service. I find that sort of thing fascinating. Pope hat...fascinating.
Don't knock it til you try it, honey.
I became Catholic BECAUSE of the ability to kneel down before men!
Signed,
Richard Simmons
There is a Catholic church you may be interested in--been there once.
St. Anne's.
Saint Anne's..
And once again for the kids--
Satans.
Too much standing and sitting...standing and sitting...kneeling...sleeping.
No no.
What you do, is go, confess a bunch of sins, either real or made up, and when he tells you to do penance, tell him no.
Then go to the middle of the church, fart, and leave.
It'll be great fun!
Agreed. This new pope is much scarier than the last one. Good job on turning down the invite. I'm technically Catholic but I only pretend at wedding and on Christmas.
yeah, word to jaime. the last time i was lured even remotely close to a church of any kind was because of the amazing smell of carne asada and tortillas being deeped fried at the best friggin' yard sales around - thrown by the local Mexicans at some sort of lithuanian orthodox church. maybe if they started ok'ing buffets during service, i'd think about finding jesus, or at least putting more effort into pretending i do, like the rest of the catholics.
I live in a VERY Catholic town so I may need to borrow some of your reasons to fend them off! Funny shit!
Yes the pope does scare me too, but I would like to have the pope mobile for todays gas prices. I wonder if it is a lease.
#3 and #6!!!!!!!!lololol funny shit...and thanks...I'll be having more nightmares because of you!
@ Everyone ~ Thanks for the support and did I mention #7 - the pope scares the shit out of me!! :p
hey Chelle! I finally got some free time to try and give my blog a facelift...stop by when you have a free second and check out my new look...me so proud. i even changed my favIcon to match!
This is HILARIOUS!!! I love it!
Thanks for explaining yourself. I instantly started wondering how many "C" batteries you go throw in a month. Awesome Blog
Lol! Not to be technical or or ummmm... offensive I think your taco guy's name is pronounced heysuess. :) :P
LOL ah, this is a great blog to read after having a debate over religious beliefs with someone. Thanks. Keep in touch. Take care.
PEACE and ABUNDANCE!!
SillySoul.com
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