The "Holy Expletive!" Offensive

So if you hang around me in real life, or read my blog for more than five minutes, you know that I have quite an extensive vocabulary of offensive expletives that I enjoy employing every now and then, and my all time favorite, hands down, happens to be “HOLY F*CK!!”.

I know, it IS special, isn’t it!!

Hey, and believe me, it comes in handy in a wide variety of circumstances, too!

For instance, earlier today I used it when I was out looking for tourists to harass and got stuck behind this instead:

I know!!

F*cking elephants, they are always slowing down traffic here in Idaho. OK, it was really a moose, but still. Seriously, the bastard would NOT let me pass him, he just kept weaving back and forth into both lanes, going like .37 miles an hour!

Ugh.

Now, don’t ask me why, but for some odd reason, after I yelled, “HOLY F*CK! GET YOUR BIG ASS OFF THE ROAD, BULLWINKLE!!” at him, instead of wondering if it would do too much damage to my truck to move his big ass off the road, and whether the forest service cop behind me would find that sort of illegal offense less than amusing, I began to wonder about the deeper meaning behind my favorite double four letter expletive.

Yep, I started thinking, is there really such a thing as a ‘holy f*ck’, and if so, is it better than a normal one and either way…. how does one even know if it qualifies as holy or not?

Hey, I’m serious!

I mean, does the church have to ordain it?

Does an angelic choir sing praises in heaven before God’s throne when you climax?

Does one walk away from it with stigmata on their unclean parts??

If so, isn’t that like a holy f*cking STD?? If so, holy f*ck!! I certainly don’t want that!!

Hmmmm…. maybe you have to wear sacred underwear and belong to a certain unnamed cult in order for it to truly be holy:

If that’s the case, then it totally explains why all these Mormons around here have so many kids!!

Between you and me, now that I mention it, it is kind of creepy to think that there is so much holy Mormon f*cking going on in every direction around me here in this Mormon hell I like to call paradise.

It almost makes me not want to ever have se…

…heh, nevermind, that’s just crazy talk!!

Anyhoo, I once blogged about a church that alluded to holy f*cking in order to guilt their flock into putting on some clothes and putting away the double pronged helper:

Now I don’t know about you, but things like that are exactly why I only worship at my local taco truck nowadays. I mean, at least Jesus gives me something tasty in return for my hard earned tithings, and I don’t just mean the tacos, either.

Hey don’t look at me like that, what I meant is he also makes a mean carne asada burrito!

Hooyah!!

and…

Yummm!!

Anyhoo, I guess I will just have to ask him his opinion on this holy f*cking business, I mean, of all people Jesus should know the answer, right?

Right.

If not, I might have to resort to asking this guy who I found online, because he claims to be a world renown expert on holy f*cking. I guess he thinks he is the high priestess of holy f*cking or something:

I know..

…you don’t have to say it, I am happy to oblige:

HOLY SH*T!!

Some people are just f*cking weird.

:/