The "You Protesteth Too Much!" Offensive

11 Aug

OK, so no offense, but I really don’t have time to be posting an Offensive here, I mean I AM trying to build an awesome new website and everything, remember?!

Hey, don’t get all offended, dammit! It’s not that I don’t want to post here, because you know I love nothing more than to offend you, my #1 fan.

Wellllll, and between you and me, I also enjoy offending myself once in awhile, too. In fact if I don’t get a good offending at least once a month, I get a little bitchy!

OK, fine, I admit it, I take time to offend myself at least once a week day hour, which is why I am soooooo nice and happy and content and non-bitchy all the time!!

Don’t give me that look, I am too somewhat nice and happy and content and non-bitchy all the time, plus, it is perfectly natural to offend oneself! I bet you offend yourself on a regular basis, too.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, I got to thinking today as I was contemplating protesting outside the Microsoft headquarters, holding this sign:

Seriously, I wanted to take my little sign and at least yell some of my favorite expletives at the Geek Squad dudes down at my local Best Buy, just to make myself feel better and make SOMEONE pay for all the pain and frustration they caused me by making me cry several times today while trying to fix bugs with Internet Explorer on my awesome new website !!!

UGH!!

So, anyhoo, I was thinking about protesting, and it struck me….

…what if people said what they really thought when they were protesting? You know, instead of being total lemmings who say and do and follow whatever leader it is that they think makes them part of the ‘in-crowd’?

I know, I hate those people too!

I am sooo not a lemming:

I mean, why not just do your own thing and say what you really think, regardless of whomever it may offend?!

Heh.

It certainly works for me!

Here are a few examples of me imagining other people being more like me.

Like for instance this guy:


Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhhh.

Hey, they should be proud!!

I know I’d brag about it if I were black and well endowed. ;)

Or…

Oh come on, we all know the rumors are true… but who cares?!

It does taste rummy!!

Or how about this kid who was forced into attending a pro-gay rally…

Ha!

No comment there.

OK, I take that back. I do have one: how many little boys ARE being raised by two man-hating bitches who would love nothing more than to castrate every single male who happens to have a penis, large or small, on the face of the earth?!

Ugh!!!

That really pisses me off, being a fan of men with penises and all.

Moving right along…


Obviously, there are too many of those among us!

Believe me, I live in inbreeder hell what with all these Mormons around me.

Oooh, and here is one of my favorites…

Bwahahaha, you know that happens ALL THE TIME, so why don’t these so-called holier than thouists just be honest about it?!

Frigging hypocrites.

Oh, and how about this one:


Hehe, that’s actually my friend Pedro, he’s Jesus’ brother. He fills in when Jesus is sick, or hung over, or busy with me during one of our all-night confession sessions, or making a run down to Mexico to pick up some more of that sticky imported “incense” he sells out of the taco truck!!

Hooyah again!!

Hmmm, that reminds me, I am almost out of “incense” and now I am seriously craving a taco…. and I do believe I have sinned and need to confess to Jesus and beg for his… well you know, so I better hurry over there.

Hey, don’t give me that look!

:p

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • I don't understand how you can offend yourself? That really sounds complicated.

    I like protesters though, they're always good for a laugh.

  • I cannot believe you think Mormons are inbred. That is highly offensive. Our magic underwear's magic purity would not allow such sinfulness unless we forgot to wear it that day our cousin got drunk at the fourth of July picnic and had that cute smile on their face and started tickling us and all of a sudden-Well, it just doesn't happen! Shut up!
  • LOL!! Ok, so do we have to wait for Jesus' second cumming to get the good "incense"???
  • LOL and more LOL with ROFL!!!!!!!
    Cheers
  • Dog tase jusa rike chiken.
    (gotta love chinglish!!)
  • Okay, that's it. I'm on a new quest. Offend or bust.

    Great stuff.

  • damn grrl. That NEW site is chock full of some of The Funniest People I love to read All The Time!1

    It will be so nice to have them all together in One Spot on one site so i can peruse everyone at the same time.

    You are funny and a genius. I think I am in love with you! (in the straightest girly crush kinda sense of the word.)



  • God God Chelle B, how do you have time to do funny posts AND launch a new website????????? I have IE and it looks fine to me, but let me try switching over to FF....
  • I am so glad we have you to protest those who would cut off the penises!

    Hooray for you!

  • Stupid protesters! Why do they never wave their banners around when things are going well?

    They could hold banners declaring "Everything is OK!" and "Hurrah for Today!" and make everyone feel a lot better.

  • Firstly, thanks a lot for including me in your new site...asshole.

    Good idea for this post though, I may have to steal it. I'm running a little dry on material these days.

    If you need any help with IE, I'm a web developer, drop me a line.



  • Meg
    I'm glad you're offending Chinese and blacks instead of Clay Aiken and John Edwards. You are so not a lemming.
  • When we lived in DC we hated the fact that there was a freaking protest every other day.

    I am with you on the signs, it would at least make it entertaining for the poor bystanders stuck in traffic!

    BTW, we are so glad we had a daughter so we can turn her into a "being raised by two man hating women, so I can be a lesbian too.." sign holding member of a future protest



  • You know, it really is irritating, finding them protesting in the streets when you're outside trying to do important things like having snacks from roadside diners. The cheek of them. They should be banned.

    In fact, I have a plan. I'll carry with me a big damned board saying "Say NO to protesters", "Down with the banners", and "I'm not with these losers".. and then whenever I find protesters, I'd take them out and start yelling self motivational phrases or something.

    How do you feel about that?



  • Jesus' bro is hot!
  • Offending myself while reading your blog is such a pleasure!
  • can I volunteer to make a geek squad guy cry for ya? I have a lot of pent up offendedness so I can be extra bitchy!! :)
  • I would roll on the floor, laughing my ass off, but then I wouldn't be able to type comments.
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