The "How To Properly Wax Your Balls" Offensive

15 Sep

Alrighty kids, so I know that The Offended Blogger is officially the place to go when you want to learn how to self torture your testicles, but a recent conversation with an unnamed fellow humor blogger *cough cough HumorSmith cough cough* has prompted me to go in a whole different direction here!

Now, believe it or not, he did not believe that men pay to have their balls waxed.

I know!!,

I mean, it IS common knowledge, right?

Right.

So, unable to stand the thought of someone not knowing the intimate details about this whole underground world of ball waxing going on out there in the real world, this has led me to present to you the following post which includes the proper technique for waxing your balls, because I just happen to know a little something about the topic!

OK, I know what you’re thinking, “Chelle B., you are not of the penile persuasion, what the hell do you know about waxing balls?!”.

Hey, you may or may not know this, but before I retired early and became a full time offender, I worked in high end spas performing a variety of high end services for those high end f*ckers in our society who have so much f*cking money coming out of their high end asses that they could afford to have someone like me wax it right off for them!

Yep, I’m the one who took these types back to my little Nirvana-like sanctuary room at the spa:


I made a frigging fortune off of them, too!

That’s right, I, Chelle B., was (among many other things) a professional Brazilian waxer back in the day and I’m not ashamed to admit it. In fact, I did a whole post about how I made a fortune off of the vain and rich and stupid, or the rich and stupid and vain, or something like that and if I wasn’t on my third Crown and Coke tonight, I’d pull it up for you and link it!

Oh, fine, I’m not that drunk but would it kill you to look through my archives once in awhile?

Sheesh!

Some #1 fan YOU are!! I read YOUR archives, ya know.

OK, not really, between you and me, I really only read The Offended Blogger cuz ya know, it kicks ass!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, where was I?

Oh yes, how to wax your balls properly!

Believe me, there is a way to do it IMproperly, so take notes!! I mean, we are talking about hot wax in your nether regions, and without proper techinque, well, things can get ugly VERY quickly and I would not want you, my #1 fan, to come back later all bleeding and crying like a little girl, blaming me for your misfortune or, worse yet, sending me the bill from your proctologist:

Especially, you, Mr. Smith, who I’m sure still does not believe me that real men get their balls waxed!!

OK, well, actually, you’re right there, real men don’t get their balls waxed because real men ride bulls with hairy balls (the men and the bulls I mean) and drink whiskey and hurl into their cowboy hats after the rodeo, but still!!

Between you and me, this is the kind of man who really has their balls waxed, in my mind:


That’s right, and I had clients just like that.

Ugh.

And yes, there are even names for the various types of male Brazilians, such as…

The Hitler:

The wedge:


The Troll Doll:


And my own personal specialty, The Krusty:

(Not to be confused with the Crusty which is what rich drag queen hookers ended up with when I was done using DDT and Agent Orange on them just so I could bring myself to touch their nasty asses – ugh!!! I even charged extra for the 12 pairs of latex gloves I piled on before I’d wax them, too!)

Anyhoo, I also worked on body builders, competitive swimmers, male strippers, male (and she-male) porn stars and one or two of these:


Yep, so believe me, I have the skillz and now, without further adeiu, I will tell you all about how to properly wax your balls.

Right after I refill my Crown and Coke.

Oh, and while you wait, you can learn alllllll about the whole process here:

The Male Brazilian Wax

Brazilian wax information site for men

That’s right, Mr. Smith, read it and weep!!

Hooyah!!

:)

Chelle B.

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Gunner
    Ok..honestly...I have had it done twice now. I get longer and better oral now than ever before and since both my wife and I do it, it is sooooo much better. Is it painful - yes, it is. Is it worth it - depends on the individual. It does NOT make you gay. I've been married 18 years and have two kids and absolutely NO interest in men. But my wife loves my bald scrotum and that's what makes it worthwhile for me. The second time was not as painful, only problem is getting the scrotal skin tight enough to pull the wax.
  • As a real man with real balls and real hair upon those balls, I do not hold much track with this whole testicle-shaving lark.

    However, if I was so inclined, I would definitely favour getting the job done by a professional lady, with a bit of spit and polish thereafter.

    Are you up for the challenge, m'dear?



  • This is so sick and twisted I can't even begin to know what to say. However, I too, did not know that some men get their balls waxed. I'm still in shock! I mean, those things are fugly. Why would you want to uncover them?!!
  • Okay Chelle...you have been officially linked. 3 times too....gotcha!! Nyah nyah nyah!!
  • just a trim and a spit shine will do... i'll keep the turf thanks :)
  • "... you may be asked to get on your hands or knees to allow the therapist better access to certain areas."

    Yeah ... that's a picture I can't imagine ... I'm so hairy all over I'd end up looking like one of those monkeys with the hairless pink asses ... only on the flip side.

  • "The pain caused by a wax is considered to be the main disadvantage of having a male brazilian wax."

    Duh!

    Down with equal rights if this is what is leads to!!!



  • I'm ALL for equal opportunity waxing pain! buck it men!!
  • I say ,Men wax away! It's about time, men have to groom themselves more to be considered sexually acceptable.Of course, they will have to do more than sport a shiny scrotum sack ,to catch up to what women put themselves through.
  • Bee
    Do they have any openings?? Not the balls, the spas.

    I think I would be really good at it.

  • Bee
    SO this sentence in the first paragraph "has prompted me to go in a whole different direction here!" I thought it said: "has prompted me to go in a whole different erection here!"

    Hmmm...

  • Chelle,

    I'm sure you could write an instructive article on how to break balls...

    I'm not going to read about the male Brazillian wax, because I don't really want to know.



  • Yeah, like nooo one wants hair when they are tea bagging it? AM I right? Hair in your tea..gross!!
  • Screw that...I'll stick to razor and shaving cream.

    Hey!!! If my wife can do it for me, then I can do it for her.

    Hint: Chicks blow longer when they are not picking hair out of their teeth.



  • Well, if ball waxing works for the pope....
  • Holy spunk sac. Waxed Pope scrotum?
    Impressive and pukeworth at the same time.
  • I can't say that I was offended, slightly disturbed - yes, threw up in my mouth a little at one point - yes, but not offended.
  • Yikes. I think I'll stay all natural thanks. And that dude-inatrix is just nasty. He needs to stay indoors.
  • Chelle you are a true renaissance woman. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return to the fetal position and continue rocking myself back and forth in the corner, while sucking my thumb.

    The thought of waxing anything of mine below the belt really screwed me up.

    Thanks.



  • Don
    Girlfriend, ya got balls! I remember us having the same conversation the other night, and I still say, "Bullshit!"
  • Personally, I don't opt in for all this modern life bollocks. Testicle waxing? Screw that. But then, I have my reasons. I'm a man and therefore, I am not gay.

    See Chelle? I actually enjoy a forest of hair around my throat gagger. Anything else is made of fail. Besides, a shorn scrotum would negate the pleasure of tea bagging a midget and watching them choke on my unkempt pubes.

    P.S. mwah mwah my wickle offendikins kisses ur gonna get raped, lawl.



  • Waxing them helps keep them shiny and lets water just bead up and roll off.

    Maybe I'm thinking of something different.

  • Deb
    The things I have learned from you are amazing and down right scary. I have to go duct tape my jaw shut now.

    PS - There is NO way I am clicking on that Male Brazilian Wax link. The nightmares are already bad enough.

  • I'm scatchy just thinking about the growout. Not too mention the fact that they would then be stuck to your thigh.
    Yikes
  • haha, I want my balls as smooth as eggs. Time to get my balls botoxed to get rid of these wrinkles. But first, gotta get me a ball wax. Wax on, Whacks Off...err, I mean, uh, nevermind, haha.

    Anyway, I gave you an award. Dont worry, its not the same boring award that everyone gets, haha. Go check it out.

    http://thefly4176.blogspot.com/



  • Well, you have helped to make the world a hair free place, to go where noone dare goes, into the vast forest of the night and wax smelly balls, I applaud you!
  • Ah Chelle... so, do you think it's easier for a male or female Brazillian??

    Hmm. Contemplations for your Crown & Coke-affected mind...

  • The Pope called, he would like his left testicle back...please.
  • Geez....my mind and scrotum boggles!
  • OMG, Chelle, this deserves a Pulitzer or whatever sort of prize is given for great literature. Maybe a Peebody?
  • That stuff hurts just thinking about it, I'll keep my hair, thank you !
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