The "Jesus, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me??" Offensive
4 Sep
So, ummm, I am really trying not to panic here, but this morning… when I went down to pick up my breakfast…. like I do every morning… instead of seeing the familiar site of my beloved red and white taco truck glistening in the morning dew with smiling school children all lined up in front of it, pooling their pennies and dimes and wrinkled up dollar bills that are supposed to be used for lunch money together to buy some of that sticky, imported “incense” that Jesus sells, this is what I found in it’s place:
I know!!
Now, you tell me, WHERE THE F*CK IS JESUS, WHO THE F*CK IS RAMIS, WHAT THE F*CK IS A FALAFEL AND WHY THE F*CK DOESN’T RAMIS OPEN FOR BREAKFAST???
UGH!!!
OK, I know what you’re thinking, “Chelle B., yelling at me, your #1 fan, is NOT going to bring Jesus back, and I don’t know what the f*ck a falafel is or why the f*ck Ramis doesn’t serve breakfast, did you stop to think that maybe it is against his religion? Now shut the f*ck up and get ahold of yourself!!”.
Uh.
Wow.
That was a bit, well, offensive don’t you think??
Don’t make me get my Spongebob Ruger out.
Look, I have a right to be upset! I mean, Jesus said he would always be there for me and apparently he lied because as you can see, he is not here which means that he has probably been deported, which means no more tacos, or extra jalepenos, or sticky “incense”, or all night confession sessions that he encourages me to have with him, especially when I am pissed off at my hubby for being so mean to me, which happens quite often, especially when I threaten that if he doesn’t do whatever I want I am going to to run off with Jesus for the night and between you and me, I only say it just to piss him off just so I can, well… run off with Jesus for the night!
Hooyah!!
Hey, don’t look at me like that, the OTHER Jesus said we aren’t supposed to judge anyone, right?!!
Right.
Anyhoo, I hate to say it, but between you and me, it looks like Jesus has, for lack of a better word, forsaken me!
Yeah. Not to mention at least one of my children, who may or may not be his:
I know!! Poor little bastard.
Heh. Lucky for him I keep forgetting to pick them all up from school, because it saves him from feeling abandoned! OK, more abandoned.
But hey, who cares about them anyway?! I’M the one who is suffering and I’M the one who is feeling quite abandoned right now.
And, I’M pretty sure I fed the children the last time I saw them, so I’M probably the only one who didn’t get any breakfast this morning!!!
Aww, thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!
You know, I’ll never forget the last words Jesus said to me:
OK, so they weren’t to me, they were about me, but still.
Deep down I know how he feels and wherever he is right now, I bet he is missing me as much as I miss his tacos with extra, extra jalepenos and all that other stuff!!
Hmmmm, I just wonder who the hell it was that turned him in to begin with?!
I mean, those neo-fascist, IRS funded, green uniformed agents of the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Immigration Department don’t usually just go knocking on taco truck windows in the wee hours of the morning looking to deport innocent, undocumented “incense” dealers who have my name tattooed on their head and smell of jalepenos without having been tipped off by someone with a vendetta.
Oh, believe me, I am going to do whatever it takes to find out just who it was that Jesus pissed off so I can help get him and his taco truck back where he belongs!
Right after I go back down and see what time Ramis opens for lunch!
Hey, I wonder if his Falafels come with extra, extra jalepenos….
Chelle B.
