Reluctantly, I spent my days off peeling, coring and cooking them into apple crisp, pies and jam. I gave away all of the items, and saved one pie to give to Ed. When I took it over to him, he said, “Is that it? What did you do with all the rest?” When I told him I had given everything else away, Ed said he should have gotten more because they were his apples!
Dear Abby Chelle B.: Two weeks ago, my middle-aged neighbor, “Ed,” brought over a bushel of apples from his tree. He told me he didn’t want them to go to waste. I told Ed I didn’t want them, but he left them anyway.
Abby Chelle B., I am just furious. I didn’t want those apples in the first place. I worked hard preparing them, and the last thing I expected was for my neighbor to be so ungrateful. Am I overreacting? – OFFENDED
Dear Offended,
I hate to break it to you, but you are completely and totally underreacting.
My first reaction would have been to kick “Ed” square in the mouth for having the balls to speak to me that way. I don’t know how old you are but the women’s liberation movement took place decades ago and no fucking man has the right to speak to a woman this way without risk of having his balls cut out and shoved down his throat.
That is, assuming you are a woman and not a gay man, which, if you are, well, no offense with the shoving balls down your throat thing and if you are, well, did it occur to you that “Ed” might secretly be a cross dressing tranny and when he said “he should have gotten more” it meant…
*shudders*
Yeah.
Let’s not go there.
Anyhoo… as for what to do with this “Ed”.
After putting on your best pearls, high heels and a Victoria Secret’s push up bra that gives the illusion of large pendulous breasts, entice “Ed” over to your place by offering him a conciliatory basket full of apple jam, apple crisp and apple dumplings (whatever the fuck those are).
Also, make sure you have a nice, warm apple pie laid out as well as some *wink wink* old fashioned apple cider.
Let “Ed” handle the knife to cut the pie, and mention how manly he looks holding such a big, long instrument. As you continue to get “Ed” liquored up, lean in closely a few times, so he gets a face full of cleavage, and as you do, make sure you “accidentally” brush your soft, warm skin up against him once or twice so he can imagine what they would feel like if you smothered his face with your bosom while he pulled on your hair, screaming, “Give me more!”.
As he starts to feel all hot and bothered while swallowing down mouthfuls of pie, casually mention that you, too, can swallow mouthfuls.
Like any man, if you continue this long enough, eventually he won’t be able to contain his sinful inclinations and before long he will be unbuttoning his pants to release the growing pressure both above and below his belt line.
As soon as he does this, grab the butcher knife that you cut the pie with and plunge it right into his black heart, while shouting, “TAKE MORE, “ED”!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKIING BASTARD!!!”.
Make sure you twist the knife around in a full circle a few times to irrevocably damage all of the arteries and blood vessels so that he can’t recover and finger you for attempted murder. Then dial 911 and sob uncontrollably into the phone about how your favorite neighbor “Ed”, out of the blue and completely out of his mind, came over and tried to rape you and you had no choice but to stab his ass in self defense.
I guarantee you, if you take my advice, that son of a bitch won’t bother you with free apples ever again!!
Chelle B.
Thursday, October 30th, 2008, 3:49 pm | 
Dear Abby Offensives | 
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