Yep, it’s true. I want to be anarchy. Why?? Um, because being an anarchist is quite en vogue these days. It is like the new gay, which is the old black, and you know me, I am always on top of the trends.
In fact, I am so fucking trendy that I even have my very own anarchist mentor – whose real name is Dexter but since that name is not bad ass enough, he makes us call him Marky Marx.
Believe me, he is the real deal.
He IS hardcore anarchy incarnate. The epitome of anarchism. Dripping from every pore with anarchist bad assness.
No! I will not tell you where Marky Marx lives so that you can gaze upon his visage of anarchinistic perfection because you might try to steal him away from me.
Or worse, you might be an anarchiphobic snitch and if I tell you, the black helicopters might swoop in to his trailer court at 3 am and fly him off to a secret anarchist Auschwitz where they will commit unspeakable acts and atrocities against him, not to mention cause him to violate his house arrest order!
Then I’d have to stomp your bigoted ass with my new steel toed anarchist combat/snow boots:
Hey, don’t look at me like that!
It isn’t MY fault that you are probably an anarchiphobic bigot who would snitch on him!
Oh, don’t worry, I used to be one too, but now I am a reformed anarchiphobic bigot and I owe it all to Marky Marx.
For instance, he proved to me that despite the nasty rumors, not all anarchists:
- Are scrawny, unemployed and unemployable white boys who drop out of the 9th grade to live in trailer courts and sit on their ass all day bitching about “the man” until they are well into their 40′s while their single, chain smoking mothers are forced to moonlight as bar flies just to make ends meet.
- Have a poster of Che Guevara over their bed because that’s what all the cool anarchists have, but if asked who he is will tell you that Che Guevara is a Colombian variety of cannabis sativa that gives you a “totally fucking stony buzz”.
- Own a tattered copy of The Anarchist Cookbook which they keep on their nightstand next to their trusty, hand blown, pyschedelic glass bong and framed, photoshopped picture of Karl Marx smoking a big doobie on the cover of High Times magazine but have never actually read it, because 99% of what is in The Anarchist Cookbook goes right over their semi-literate head.
- Have a collection of Disney Movies on VHS for their illegitimate nieces and nephews (who much like the covers of Disney movies also come in a variety of colors) and watches them all even when the kids are napping.
- Collect empty liquor bottles as well as a wide variety of knives, guns, nunchucks, throwing stars, brass knuckles and the like. Their prized possession being a cheap set of Samurai swords that they bought on clearance at a local pawn shop and they try to bullshit anyone within earshot that they belonged to the infamous Minamoto Yoshitsune.
- Kick helpless kittens around playgrounds filled with frightened children just for fun and to feed the stereotype of the “bad ass anarchist”.
- Grow dirty, disgusting dreadlocks which they don’t wash and then are told by their lawyer that cutting them off might help give the jury a better impression when their case goes to trial. They agree but then end up getting a mohawk instead, because deep down they are afraid to look too vanilla when they go to prison.
Seriously, those are just a few myths about anarchists that are completely unfounded and as you can see, my friend, Marky Marx is not like that at all:
See??
Ok, so he does live in a trailer park with his chain smoking, bar fly momma, and he does collect empty liquor bottles and does think that Che Guerva is an exotic variety of Mary Jane, but hey, I do have to give him credit.
At least he has most of the Disney movies on DVD now!!
AND he does not own the Anarchist Cookbook.
Heh.
Well, not anymore because I pilfered it as well as his favorite bong while he was at court yesterday, and little does he know, but both of them are now sitting on MY nightstand. Plus, even if he did find out, he couldn’t do a fucking thing about it because he’s on house arrest until the trial!!
Hooyah!!
Oh, and besides all that, he is not your typical anarchist because until that unfortunate kitten kicking incident down at the playground last month, he even had a semi-respectable day job:
That’s right.
Anarchists can stay true to the cause and be defenders of the law, too.
Anyhoo, once I learn all I can from the master, maybe I’ll pass on my anarchist bad assness to you, and if you stop being such a bigot I might even loan you my newly pilfered copy of The Anarchist Cookbook!
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008, 6:20 pm | 
Anarchist Offensives | 
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