I don’t know about you, but I really miss the good old days where the rule of law was that if someone pissed you off you could just accuse them of witchcraft and then watch in glee as the townsfolk banned together to form a lynch mob and subjected them to unspeakable acts of torture based solely on your false accusation.
I mean, why can’t we still do that?!
Also, you tell me, why is it that I live surrounded by all of these fundamentalist nutters that belong to the Cult of Joseph Smith, yet nothing exciting ever happens to make it worth my while??
I mean, for christsake, why do they have to be so boring?
Why can’t they could do something cool like burn an occasional witch at the stake or drive some demon possessed lunatic off of a cliff, or SOMETHING FUN, just to entertain me, you know??
Why can’t they become like Shiite Mormons and hold vampiric, bloodletting festivals in the streets?
Well, it would be entertaining at least.
Believe me, anything would be better than them acting all happy and smiling big fake smiles at me whenever I have to shop at one of their cult run stores here. Which, by the way, I have to shop at soon because I am almost completely out of liquor!
I know.
I feel sorry for me, too.
They don’t fool me, though, I know that behind my back those glassy eyed, cultist bastards call me a Whore of Babylon, and a heathen, and even worse, a Gentile and if they could they would burn me at the stake.
Heh. I am far from gentile, believe me!
Between you and me, I think they are plotting to have me baptized in absentia by one of their cult members who happens to pay their tithing regularly and is worthy of entering the lobby of the Great Temple where they keep their pagan baptismal font, which, really, is rather ironic because I am regularly held against my will outside of the aforementioned Temple by large, inbred looking bouncers wearing three piece suits who refuse to let me in the door so that I can hurl insults at them for being so fucking, well, Mormon!!!
Ugh.
Oh well, as soon as I get back with some tequila and tacos I am going to forget all about them and watch Army of Darkness again.
Bruce Campbell would never treat me like that.
He’d kick some Mormon ass for me, too, I bet.
Hooyah!!
Chelle B.
Friday, November 7th, 2008, 10:10 am | 
Mormon Offensives | 
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