OK, so after some serious deliberation, and about 2.8 minutes perusing offensive images on Google image search, I’ve decided that instead of having a hairy ass to keep my trim and petite self all warm and cozy and less suicidal through the next few months, I think I’d just rather have a big ole fat ass instead!! (Now, in case you’ve already forgotten, don’t try to pretend to sympathize with me because we get fucking death cold here in Idaho, unlike you in your comparatively tropical, balmy, so-called “winter” wherever the hell you are!!)
Ugh.
Don’t look at me like that. Of course I realize that I choose to live in Idaho and believe me, it is worth risking life, limb and BOTH nipples every winter, because I get to play outside in this all summer long:
Uh huh, I know.
OK, so technically that is in Wyoming but I am just over the border from it and I get to spend all summer long running from grizzly bears and tormenting tourists in the Grand Tetons, which between you and me, look even better in person!
But hey, don’t be jealous, I am sure it is erm, well, sort of lovely where you live, too, and just because it is better here doesn’t mean I can’t require that you feel sorry for me all winter long, dammit!!
Because I can, and I do.
So then, while you are feeling sorry for me, I am formulating a plan on how I am going to acquire a big, fat ass to keep me alive this winter, and it begins with eating this bad boy every day, three times a day, for breakfast lunch and dinner:
| Food | Calories |
| Fried Mushrooms – 15 | 450 |
| Bacon – 14 pieces | 990 |
| Onion rings – 18 | 1140 |
| Ground Beef – 1/4 lb. | 293 |
| Corndogs – 2 | 540 |
| Swiss Cheese – 4 slices | 425 |
| Provolone Cheese – 4 slices | 397 |
| Cheddar Cheese – 4 slices | 455 |
| Sliced Ham – 1/4 lb. | 184 |
| Sliced Turkey – 1/4 lb. | 181 |
| Pastrami – 1/4 lb. | 394 |
| Sliced Roast Beef – 1/4 lb. | 200 |
| Bratwurst – 1 | 510 |
| Braunschweiger – 1/4 lb. | 580 |
| Wheat Bread – 1 lb. | 1030 |
| Lettuce – 1/2 head | 25 |
| Feta Cheese – 4 oz. | 350 |
| Italian Salad Dressing – 6 oz. | 480 |
| Oregeno – 50 grams | 438 |
| Salt & Pepper – 50 grams | 0 |
| Butter – 1/2 lb. | 1600 |
| Parmesan Cheese – 100 grams | 465 |
| Canola Oil – 154 Tbsp. | 18,432 |
| Total | 29,559 |
If my math is correct, that would be nearly 90,000 calories a day so it would only take me, what, a week or so to reach my goal??!
Just in time for me to be all hot and sexy for Christmas:
Hooyah?
Friday, December 12th, 2008, 2:00 pm | 
Christmas Offensives, Idaho Offensives, Personal Offensives | 
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