The "I Changed My Mind, I Wish I Had A FAT Ass Instead!!" Offensive

12 Dec

OK, so after some serious deliberation, and about 2.8 minutes perusing offensive images on Google image search, I’ve decided that instead of having a hairy ass to keep my trim and petite self all warm and cozy and less suicidal through the next few months, I think I’d just rather have a big ole fat ass instead!! (Now, in case you’ve already forgotten, don’t try to pretend to sympathize with me because we get fucking death cold here in Idaho, unlike you in your comparatively tropical, balmy, so-called “winter” wherever the hell you are!!)

Ugh.

Don’t look at me like that. Of course I realize that I choose to live in Idaho and believe me, it is worth risking life, limb and BOTH nipples every winter, because I get to play outside in this all summer long:

Uh huh, I know.

OK, so technically that is in Wyoming but I am just over the border from it and I get to spend all summer long running from grizzly bears and tormenting tourists in the Grand Tetons, which between you and me, look even better in person!

But hey, don’t be jealous, I am sure it is erm, well, sort of lovely where you live, too, and just because it is better here doesn’t mean I can’t require that you feel sorry for me all winter long, dammit!!

Because I can, and I do.

So then, while you are feeling sorry for me, I am formulating a plan on how I am going to acquire a big, fat ass to keep me alive this winter, and it begins with eating this bad boy every day, three times a day, for breakfast lunch and dinner:


Food Calories
Fried Mushrooms – 15 450
Bacon – 14 pieces 990
Onion rings – 18 1140
Ground Beef – 1/4 lb. 293
Corndogs – 2 540
Swiss Cheese – 4 slices 425
Provolone Cheese – 4 slices 397
Cheddar Cheese – 4 slices 455
Sliced Ham – 1/4 lb. 184
Sliced Turkey – 1/4 lb. 181
Pastrami – 1/4 lb. 394
Sliced Roast Beef – 1/4 lb. 200
Bratwurst – 1 510
Braunschweiger – 1/4 lb. 580
Wheat Bread – 1 lb. 1030
Lettuce – 1/2 head 25
Feta Cheese – 4 oz. 350
Italian Salad Dressing – 6 oz. 480
Oregeno – 50 grams 438
Salt & Pepper – 50 grams 0
Butter – 1/2 lb. 1600
Parmesan Cheese – 100 grams 465
Canola Oil – 154 Tbsp. 18,432
Total 29,559

If my math is correct, that would be nearly 90,000 calories a day so it would only take me, what, a week or so to reach my goal??!

Just in time for me to be all hot and sexy for Christmas:

Hooyah?

:o

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • you scare me a little...but I like it
  • Chelle, that "ass" is not fat. It's PREGNANT. So, maybe you are getting psychic vibes that you really want to be knocked up???

    Say it ain't so!

  • whatever that sandwhich is, save me one. looks yummy.
  • Anonymous
  • Chelle, I have that same picture plus another, that i'm trying to fit it into a post. Wait, that would never fit into a post. Oh but you did it.
  • Can I envelope myself in some of your caboose fat wrinkles when you attain flesh nirvana?
  • That fat lady pic is so disgusting, so repulsive, so hideous that I had to Photoblog it just so I can gross out other people.
  • Hey, where did you get a picture of my unicorn whisperer from?
  • That is AWESOME!
  • LOL, yea here in Florida its a balmy 79 degrees, so I just shaved my ass to make sure my thong looks good...

    hehehehe
    merry Christmas

    sure we don't have snow, but we have white sand.




  • I already have a fat, hairy ass. It's a great asset for those lonely nights when Mr.Man isn't home to keep me hot but there is a downside to it.
    The downside?
    It's painful to wear thongs because the hair in my ass crack gets twisted up in it.

  • Don
    Whoo mama! Spread yo cheeks daddy's comin' home.
  • Clay Bowler, holy shit! I've spent my whole life living in a city beside one of the Great Lakes, but 15 winters IN Great Lakes? Like I said, holy shit! I couldn't tread water for more than 15 minutes once the water got that cold. Although it does often freeze over near the shore in the winter, so during those winters I guess you could sit on the ice until spring.
  • You seem peeved... that's OK in my world..
  • I love this blog!!! haha :D

    Hope to hear from you!
    Monika ♥


  • ZOMFG!!
  • Look at it this way.

    Your boobs would cover that space between your gunt and your chins and keep your front worm too!

  • I have a feeling you could find, the Holy Grail under those legs.. And Maybe Miley Cyrus's Virginity..
  • LL
    *blink*
  • Wow, check out those legs. I'll bet they find Jimmy Hoffa in those folds.
  • I... I think I have found my new special purpose in life: I must find the recipe for, and then eat, one of those things (the sandwich monstrosity, not the fat, gift-covered monstrosity).

    Also, I had a question. When you say you are "running from grizzly bears and tormenting tourists in the Grand Tetons, which between you and me, look even better in person!" Is it the tourists, the bears, or the mountains that look better?

    Because I've seen more than a few tourists who only look good from the wrong end of a telephoto lens.



  • I believe it was those great philosophers, Spinal Tap, who once declared; 'the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushing'.

    Go for it, m'dear!

  • Oh good grief Chelle! I'm not OFFENDED just totally DISGUSTED!!! And amused!

    Loverly pic! Just loverly!

    Still laughing through the mouth vomit! You're too much!



  • What, no poutine? It's a French-Canadian "delicacy". (I've never tried it because it looks like something that someone with bad eating habits would regurgitate.) Poutine consists of french fries, cheese curds & gravy and is often topped off with ketchup. According to Harvey's, a Canadian burger chain, its Poutine has 630 calories in a standard 284 gram (about 0.63 pounds) serving. 37 of those 284 grams are fat. Neither of those numbers include the ketchup.

    Eat a serving or two a day of poutine and I guarantee that in no time you'll be living in Idaho, but your ass will spread out into Wyoming and maybe a few other states as well.

    Good luck with your project. However, please remember, when your ass spreads over into Canada the U.S. government requires that it carry a passport if it wants to return to your country.



blog comments powered by Disqus