Whoo-hoo! 2008 is nearly over and, like you, it is time for me to make my officially official New Year’s resolution(s). That’s right, unlike you and your measly una resolución, I have more than one.
Way more. As in muchas resoluciones.
Of course, also unlike you, I actually plan to keep my resolutions this year.
OK, for at least the next 72 hours, which we both know is longer than you’ll keep yours!!
Heh.
Don’t look at me like that.
Need I remind you about last year when you swore off torturing your testicles but by noon on 01/01/08 you were Googling ‘how to self mutilate my testicles’ and landed on my lovely blog here for expert advice on the subject???
Ha!
That’s right!!
You didn’t think I knew it was you, did you?!
You probably didn’t think I was such an expert on the subject, either, but I was right about that, too, so never underestimate my abilities to know, well, just about everything.
Between you and me, I am glad you can’t keep your New Year’s resolutions and are still into torturing your testicles because otherwise we may have never met and you wouldn’t have become my most favorite #1 fan ever.
Seriously, EVER!!!!
I even made this for you:
Welllllll, you are my favorite #1 fan for this month week day moment, at least!!
Oh, suck it up.
The rest of these losers didn’t even make the top 3!!
Anyhoo, lucky for me none of the stuff that I am giving up for ’09 are things that YOU blog about, so that will make it much easier for me to stick to all these promises that I am making myself this year.
If I ever actually get around to visiting your blog.
Wait, do you even have a blog or are you just one of those blog groupies who hangs around blogs like mine but doesn’t actually have one of your own but wishes you did because deep down you know that bloggers like me are way fucking cooler than, well, non-bloggers like you??
Either way, it doesn’t really matter because if you do have one, and I ever really do visit it (and I am not promising that I will because, well, we both know why!) and find out that you write about things like…. oh, I dunno… having a torrid affair with Jesus your taco truck guy, or issuing Fatwas on people and things that piss you off, or getting restraining orders from TV celebrities named Mike, or calling Google the Antichrist, or spewing your hatred for Greenland, or giving detailed accounts about how you used to torture testicles for a living, or droning on and on and on and ON about your obsession with nazi bondage and clown porn, or revealing your Injun heritage and fascination with illegal fireworks and Indian casinos, or telling your readers about how your most favorite pastime ever is running down annoying eco-tourists who come to Yellowstone in their little eco friendly rental cars just to ‘ooh’ and ‘awww’ and get as close as humanly possible to the buffaloes and grizzly bears like it is some sort of fucking petting zoo and then give me dirty looks because I yell down at them from my monster truck that as a local I feel obligated to tell them that bear spray is not like mosquito spray, it is a scam and doesn’t fucking work and the only thing that does work, sometimes, if you’re lucky, is a big ass .50 caliber gun like the one I have in my glovebox, and secretly I hope that they DO get gored or mauled by the biggest, meanest, stinkiest, ugliest buffalo and/or griz in the entire Rocky Mountain range because I am a true Darwinist and I believe in the REAL meaning behind “survival of the fittest” and idiots like them are NOT fit to survive!!!
Heh.
Listen up, dammit, if I ever find out that you write about that stuff, EVEN IF I OFFICIALLY RESOLVE TO GIVE THEM ALL UP RIGHT NOW, you’ll be hearing from my Jewish lawyer, Bernie Finklesteinperlmanbergenrosenbaum, because you and I both know where you stole your material from and you would be infringing on my copyrighted shit and he would totally agree that it is so not cool:
That’s right.
Believe me, you do NOT want to fuck with me and Bernie.
Of course, this is a non-issue, because I won’t be giving up any of my most favorite hobbies anyway, because, honestly, what a boring fucking year 2009 would be without them, right?!
Right!!
Plus, they keep me off the streets and off the crack pipe AND I have MUCH more important things to resolve myself to giving up so that I can focus on doing unselfish things for the betterment of humanity.
It’s true!!
I am officially announcing right now that I will be giving up things so that I, Chelle B., will have time to make the world a better, less offensive, more politically correct place.
Yep, I, Chelle B., will singlehandedly stop global warming cooling climate change AND the slaughter of whales and baby seals.
I, Chelle B.,will heal the hearts of the disenfranchised, young, gold-toofed black men selling crack in the streets of the dilapidated, inner city ghettos of the world and insure that they all get the 40 acres and mule they were promised by my ancestors.
That’s not all! I, Chelle B., shall fill the empty, distended bellies of starving, malnourished, third world babies and provide STD medicines for their prostitute sisters and mothers!! Hell, I’ll even throw in free, ribbed-for-her-pleasure, glow-in-the-dark, fruit-flavored condoms, for life, for those oversexed bitches females, too!
What?
Hey, it is humanitarian! That way if the crops fail again, which they will because I can’t fix that shit, they can eat yummy, banana flavored condoms instead of picking pieces of corn out of their own feces just to stay alive!
Yep, I will be doing all sorts of nice things that will finally bring peace and harmony, (not to mention free tacos and sticky “incense” from Jesus if he will agree to help, and he better, or no more post-lunch-rush blowjobs in the back of the taco truck from me, dammit!), in abundance, to all of humanity, including my Fatwa friends in the Middle East:
I know, I love those crazy bastards, too, but let’s face it, they could really use some tacos and sticky “incense” right about now!! Especially the ones in Gaza.
Ugh.
That’s right, and I will make sure they get what’s coming to them, because I am nice like that.
Well, I will be nice like that, after implementing all of my New Years resolutions that I have planned for ’09.
Starting tonight.
At midnight.
In the Mountain time zone.
-7 hours Greenwich Standard time.
00:00:00 military time.
In exactly 8.5 hours.
Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, you tell me, why did I have to convince myself that I wanted to be like Napoleon Dynamite and move to boring, fucking, “we hate you if you aren’t Mormon and even if you are everyone will still assume that you are a tater tot eating, sheep shagging, skin headed, cross burning, goose stepping, Hitler heiling, neo-nazi“, Mountain frigging Time Zone Idaho, anyway??!!
If I still lived in California I wouldn’t have this problem (shh don’t tell my neighbors, they think I’m from Wyoming!).
I’d not only have at least three taco truck guys named Jesus to father my illegitimate children for me year-round, but I’d have an extra hour to do all the fun stuff I plan on abandoning in my upcoming officially official New Years Resolutions so that I can focus my time on the betterment of humankind.
Most of whom do not deserve it.
Hey, you’re right, maybe if I leave now, I can drive west and buy myself an extra hour. Gas prices are low enough that I can afford to drive my monster truck, well, out of Idaho finally!! Alright, so technically I could just head northwest and get into the Pacific Time Zone and still ring the New Year in an hour later, while still staying right here in my beloved Idaho:
But uh, between you and me, have you seen my Aryan good looks?? Those goose stepping skin headed bastards scare the hell out of me a bit!!
It’s true! I do look like a Nazi’s wet dream and I just know that if they ever got ahold of me, they’d want to put on their SS guard uniforms and dress me up like Ava Braun and make me their weibchen and take turns ravaging me in their untertage bünkers with Rammstein’s Feuer Frei turned up really, really, REALLY loud in the background while I pretend not to enjoy it, all the while screaming “Mehr! Mehr!” and…
….uh, heh.
Sorry.
I got carried away there for a minute.
Hey, it’s not my fault that I have a few drops of German blood in me and the thought of being passed from untertage bünker to untertage bünker by goose stepping psychopaths in SS uniforms while Rammstein plays in the background does that to me.
Just like the flaming homosexuals from Folsom Street and Brokeback Mountain, I CAN’T HELP THAT I WAS BORN THIS WAY!!
It’s genetic.
Plus, we both know what kind of weird shit you are into so you hardly have the right to judge me, anyway, right?
Right!!
ANYHOO… where was I??
Oh yeah!!
I could leave now, hit an Injun casino (or four) along the way, win some serious wampum, cruise my monster truck on into Boise, run over a few eco friendly liberals who have infiltrated the place with their blue state ideals and their so-called “smart cars” (that probably run on weapon’s grade plutonium but they are too retarded to know the difference between that and a hybrid hydrogen fuel cell because they are more worried about being annoying, trendy, sheep-like fuckers who want to judge everyone else just so they can feel superior!), catch a flight to Hawaii, buy myself an extra 3 hours of pre-resolution fun and ring in the New Year wearing nothing but my Hello Kitty camo bikini (bottoms), sipping Maitais and making sand devils on the beach with some poor, downtrodden, indigenous native cabana boy who makes more tip money in an hour from rich, white tourists than Jesus does in an entire week selling tacos and imported, sticky “incense” to all these rich, white Mormons here!!
Hooyah!!!!
OR… I could just stay home, slam some tequila shooters, shoot off some left over illegal fireworks I got from the Injun casino, pass out, dream about being ravaged by Rammstein (in SS uniforms!), and not make any fucking resolutions at all, ever, and keep on doing what I do best in 2009:
Happy New Year!!!
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008, 10:30 pm | 
Humor Carnival, Just For Fun, New Years Offensives, Personal Offensives | 
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