The "Secret Santa Can Suck It!!" Offensive

11 Dec

Sooo, silly me, I signed up for the Secret Santa Can Suck It gift swap that Bee from Bee’s Musings is hosting, and somehow I ended up with Mr. Always Home and Uncool as my beneficiary for my lovely (and might I add non-offensive at Bee’s request – meh) gift. Believe me, had I known it had to be G rated I’d have rethunk the whole deal (OK, not really cuz I love Bee) and it wasn’t easy shopping for a, for lack of a better description, hermit dork! They are some of the hardest people to shop for, but I did my best and here is my gift(s) to him:

With this you can get the fuck out of the house and be the coolest kid on the block:


And with this you can take your coolness up a notch or two and maybe even land a hot Amazon black babe in a chat room:
So there you have it, my secret Santa gift.

Oh, and I also bought a few ornaments while I was out, as well!

No, none for you!!

This one is for my neighbors (whose dog George still runs over and shits on my lawn every chance he gets, despite me snipering him with my pellet gun, argh!!):

This one is for the mail lady who never sees the flag up on the mailbox and leaves my Netflix movies out there so that when I sober up and get my mail three days later I think new ones have arrived and rip them open only to find they are the same fucking ones I already watched!!!

Dumb bitch!

Oh, and my favorites – these are for my big pine tree out in the front yard, I am doing the entire yard in a Nazi Christmas theme just to fuck with everyone in the neighborhood’s head this year:


Heh. I might even get on Fox News for those!!

Hooyah!!

And finally, this one is for my most favorite taco truck guy EVER whose birthday just happens to be on December 25th:

Mmmmm.

Tacos.

:)

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Chelle:

    Have you ever tried taking that bike off of some sweet jumps?

    Just askin'..



  • Ok, its obvious. Cafe' Press is going to have to make Swastika Christmas Ornaments available. I wonder if we can talk Amy Oops into making some.

    Until then, we can go subversive and use Magic® Marks-a-Lot® to make tiny swastikas on our yard ornaments.

  • Har - those are the awesomest gifts EVER!

    Wait till my kids find those shoe-bikes under the tree on Xmas morning...woo-hee.

    :^) Anna



  • Well, if those gifts don't get his ass out of the house to attend lawsuit hearings and therapy sessions, I don't know what will!
  • Bee
    Hey, I didn't say they couldn't be offensive. I just said no nahked 3 boobied men. Who likes those? Not me.
    Can I have one of those swastika ornaments?
  • I'm trying to keep my dog from taking a piss on the stupid tree and you want me to deliberately add his shit?
  • @ Orion - You forgot, 'and your little dog, too, you bastard!!'. :D

    @ Angie - Oh please, you know I don't share the good stuff! The Nazi ornaments are allll mine, well unless Mike takes my advice and pilfers them tonight from my front yard. If he possesses the balls it would take to do so, then he deserves them more than I do. ;)

  • @ VE - Well, Nazi's are Christians too, right?! :p

    @ Always Home - Glad you liked them, but fair warning, Kip is frigging way hot and all the babes will now want in your pants. ;)

    @ Mike - Well, if you wait until I pass out later, you can come steal them from my front yard and save a few bucks!! :)



  • @ Just Sayin - Exactly, there is no room for Christ in Christmas, that is just too politically incorrect. But there IS room for Jesus on his b-day!! Woot! :)

    @ Just Jen - I know! I just taped mine back up with a used band-aide, that will make them scratch their heads hehe. :D

    @ freetheunicorns - I'll sell you mine for $50. :p



  • p.s.

    That first pic of the flippin' baby is fucking hysterical!

  • hehehe

    Seriously Chelle, those gifts are going to make Always Home and Uncool have to change his name to Always Gone and Totally Bitchin'! Though I really think that if you wouldn't have bogarted all the Swastika ornaments and he had some to hang outside in his trees...he would get LOTS of new friends right away!!! :)

  • Nice...

    "you can get the fuck out of the house"

    greatest words ever, cause if ya don't bitch!! I'm gonna throw some fuckin' Christmas ornaments at you and hope the glass shards bust off in your damn eye!!!!
    yeah, and Merry Christmas too!




  • Where can I buy those nazi balls to hang on my jewish mothers Hanuka tree?
  • Wow, the French subtitle make's the Kip kit tres cool. That's offensively awesome. Thanks, Chelle.
  • VE
    Nazi ornaments...bwahahaha...now it finally feels like Christmas! Too funny, Chelle.
  • I want a happy b-day Jesus sign too.
  • HA! We must have the same mail lady! Mine has done that a time or two and then I have to mail the movie back all taped up. I'm sure they think I'm a real DUMB ASS when they receive it that way. LOL
  • Those swastika ornaments are AWESOME! I'm running out to my local "Fascist's R' Us" right now to pick some up!

    Oh... And I'm exteremely offended by the last ornament! I mean... Come On! There's just no room for Christ in Christmas! What the hell are you thinking?!

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