So recently I submitted a blog-review to a website which shall remain nameless until I get my review back.

Hey, I don't want you running over there and seeing the results before I do!

Plus, I know how you feel about me and I wouldn't want you to do something you'll regret out of revenge to the nice people over at _____-____.___ if my review comes back badly.

Which, in all likelihood it will. The reviewers over at _____-____.___ are a pretty tough bunch, and lately it seems like they have been sporting some extra large offending-arse-sticks, so I am not holding out hope that they will have mercy on me when it comes to my turn!

Do I care though?


Ha!


Knowing them, I can already imagine how it will go:

Too long? Please!!

She just wishes she knew as many words as I do. Her and her four word posts are so not funny!!

She doesn't fool me, either. I know what she did to get such a high review on her own blog over at _____-____.___ and she is just damn lucky that I refuse to lower myself like that ever again.

That's right, I am not ashamed to admit that GNR group didn't give me the first perfect 10 they had ever given out just to reward me for my "awesome blog design" and "even better writing style".

Hooyah!

Anyhoo.... where was I? Oh yeah. My blog review over at _____-____.___ ! See, they mean so little to me over there that I've practically forgotten about them!

Next, there will be this guy who thinks he is somehow qualified to review my blog because he has a humor blog.

Pfft... we all know that he scrapes all of his material from that idiotic stoopidjokes.org:

Give me a break!! He knows that picture is funny as hell or he wouldn't have posted it himself!

Heh, where do you think I stole it from?

Oh, and I don't even need to comment on this next guy who will be "grading" my work as a "professional humor-blog reviewer":

Yeeeeeah, we all know that he still lives with his mommy and wears a diaper, so who can take him seriously?

I mean, just because he is one of the top contributors over at _____-____.___ doesn't impress me a bit!!

Hey, write your own damn blog if you want to impress me diaper boy!

The same goes for this next guy who thinks he is an expert just because he scored one the highest reviews ever over there and gets 800 comments on every single post:


Pffft. He is such a gobshite.

Too many feckin' Irish curse words my arse.

Is there even such a thing??

Ha! He's probably just jealous that I know more international curse words than he does.

The next thing you know, we'll be seeing feck, and arse, and gobshite on his blog and he'll pretend like he started the fad.

What a fecker!!

Anyhoo.... finally, there will be some grammatically incorrect and highly negative commentary from this guy:

Bwahahahaha! Uh, no comment. :)

Alright, I admit it, I deserve that. But he's just mad that I hijack all of his threads and spam his shout box with Irish curse words over at BC. Big sissy.

Hey, I can't help it if he is such an easy target! And it's not like he's special, I annoy everyone over there in the exact same way! Ask the administrators, they know.

Anyhoo.... so with that group of winners judging me over at _____-____.___, you can see why I really don't care that my review will come back with a "humorously" low score. I'll just laugh it off.

Those people and their opinions mean nothing to me!!

Nope!

Not a thing.

I know I'm funnier than all of them, and my opinion is the only one that matters, anyway!

Hell, to be honest, I don't even care what you think of my blog, so why should I care what they think of it?!!

OK, you're right, who am I kidding?

I care what you think and we both know that I will be so very deeply offended when I read my crappy _____-____.___ blog review!

Ugh. Why did I even do this to myself? My self esteem is already as low as it can get after no one commented on my last twelve posts!!

Why do I even bother?!?!

You know, I should probably just give up, delete my blog and then burn down my house with my computer in it so I will never, ever be able to blog again! Then I'll burn down the libaray so I can't use their computers, either. If my friends and neighbors offer to let me use their computers, I'll burn down their houses too!!

I really have no choice, someone has to protect me from me! It's the only way.

Yep. That's what I'm gonna do as soon as I am done with this post.

Man, this really sucks, I am going to miss my blog, and my house, and the library. I'm almost sure my friends and neighbors will miss their houses, too!!

Frigging _____-____.___ and their free blog reviews.

Well I just hope they are happy with themselves over there, and I hope they have a good lawyer because I am going to sue their asses off for all the mental anguish I'm about to inflict upon myself!!

By the time it's over, I'll own that _____-____.___ and they'll all have to come and beg me to give them blog reviews!!

Ha!! Won't that be "funny"?!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking:

"Chelle B., don't be so hard on yourself! Screw them! You have many loyal and adoring fans. Just think of how much we would miss you!!"

Aww, you are so nice! I almost feel the same way about you!! Yeah, I do have some great fans, like you, and this guy:

OK, so he just found my blog five minutes ago, but still, he thinks I am funny!! I guarantee he'll be back to ROFLOL again. Or at least to LOL.

Oh, and what about kidraper69? He thinks I am a 12 year old boy so he totally loves me!!


Yeah, I make him ROFLHFAO all the time!! (Hmmm....I think the F stands for furry but I'm not sure).

OK, I know he is currently on trial for molesting a battalion of cub scouts in Alaska, but hey, they have internet access in prisons nowadays and I bet you a million dollars that no matter how it turns out, he will always be a HUGE fan of mine.

HUGE. Possibly the BIGGEST. Ever.

Hopefully they'll give him some clothes there, though because he kinda creeps me out.

Oh, speaking of clothes, let's not forget my one and only Montana fan:

Ha! That funny, constipated bastard.

He likes to pretend that he doesn't know me, but between me and you, I drove all the way up there and bought him a computer just last week! I even set the remote access on his system to where I can log into his computer from here and click my blog open for him!

That's right, and I do it at least twenty times a day so I know he is a fan.

But you know.... even if him and kidraper69 didn't love me, and even if you weren't such a loyal subscriber to my offenses, and even if the people over at _____-____.___ with their large offending-arse-sticks don't like me and even if they give me the worst review ever, it really doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things.

That's right, you all pale in comparison to my biggest and bestest fan of all:

That's right. Jesus loves me, so what else can I ask for?

Well, except for maybe some extra jalapenos on my taco....

Or for some of his special "Mexican incense" if he hasn't sold it all to the school kids already.

Or for him to pay a visit to _____-____.___ and rough them up a little if they give me a crappy blog review.

Or...

Hey, I'm kinda hungry now so I'm gonna head over to see Jesus and grab a taco. Do you want me to bring you back something??

:p

This post is standing in line waiting for a review over at Jesus' taco truck, which is parked in front of the headquarters of humor-blogs.com.

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(This post is for all of you who are easily offended, the rest of you can just sit this one out, k? :)

Psst, hey, you!

That's right, I'm talking to you - the easily offended one who always has your panties in a wad.

You know who you are! You're the one who comes by and reads my blog and then loses sleep knowing I am out here in cyber space contributing to the scary global unrest out there by stirring up all this offensive stuff.

The one who sends me anonymous emails begging me to stop offending you.

Wah!!

Hey, guess what?

No... I am not going to stop blogging!

In fact, I received a message from God today, and he told me to keep blogging and to tell you that the end of the world is close at hand, and that it's all your damned fault for being so frigging offended all the time!!

Yep, that's right.

His words, not mine!

End of the world.

All your fault.

We are all going to die and you are to blame.

Heh, thanks alot, the rest of us really appreciate it, you offended asshole.

Yep, I know what you're thinking about now:

"Chelle B., just who do you think you are and just how the hell do you expect me to believe that you became a messenger of God?!!".

Well, heh, come on now.... I know that you read my blog everyday, so you tell me:

Are you really that surprised?! :)

I didn't think so.

Believe it or not, my blog is pretty damn popular over on the other side now that I have made #1 on the front page of Blog Catalog (out of the 80 trillion blogs listed there ~ Hooyah!!!) so... naturally, the Almighty decided to one-up them by making me his personal blogging harbinger of doom.

That's right. Me.

He hooked me up when I was outside today, heading over to check on my winter crop over in my secretly located greenhouse:


That's right.

Read it and weep. He chose me.

Hey, I can't help it if He noticed me because I am the bestest feckin' blogger on planet earth!!

Maybe if you quit whining and bitching about all these perceived offenses, you'd have more time to be a better blogger yourself!

I mean, damn!

It must be a full time job being such a whiny bitch all the time.

Anyhoo... stop trying to change the subject! We both know what you are.

Like I said, you are the reason the planet is going to be destroyed and the rest of us are all going to suffer the wrath of His indignation thanks to you and all those other offended asses like you out there.

Heh, if you would have been paying more attention at Sunday School, Jesus already told you all about it in the gospels.

Remember when his disciples asked him what the signs were going to be of the last days??


What do you mean, you don't remember that and you don't believe me?

That's exactly what he said!

I wouldn't make something like that up!!

OK, you're right, I made up what the disciple said so I probably would make up the other thing, but sometimes the truth is stranger and a whole helluva lot funnier than fiction so here is even more proof for you:


Ha!

That would be the book of Matthew, chapter 24, verse 10.

I dare you to go look it up, you shall see that it is there, in black and white (or red if you happen to have that version of the bible)!!

Many shall be offended.

Christ said it.

Last days.

Here we are.

It's all your fault.

Hell, even the Mayans predicted it would happen around this time, and they were not the brightest bunch on the planet, you know??

I mean, for Christ's sake, they sacrificed and probably ate their own children and even they knew we only had until 2012 before your kind would rise up and destroy us all!!

I know.... you still aren't convinced.

You need more proof?

Yep, God told me that you would, so I even Googled it for you!

Just take a look at this graph which has a timeline showing how often offended pricks like you have been reported in the news over the last thousand years:

Now, you tell me if we are not about 4 years away from reaching maximum density of offensiveness!

That's right, Google that!

Pretty damn scary, huh.

Well, like I said, you can only blame yourself.

You did it.

Hey, don't look at me, I'm not the one who cries and gets my panties all in a wad and has to call the ACLU every time someone "hurts my little feelings".

Man, you are such a puss!

And not just you, either. It's all of you truly offended assholes out there who make life a living hell for the rest of us non-offended assholes!!

But, hey, it's not too late, you know.

I do offer an RSS feed as well as email subscriptions!

Yep, and I can even refer you to a whole group of people who can help you pull that offending stick out of your offended ass! Have you seen my blogroll or the hundred links to humor-blogs.com?!

Come on... deep down inside, you know it's funny as hell to poke fun and laugh at the easily offended among us!

Ha!!

See? I knew I could get you to see the light!!

Hey, maybe you aren't such a bastard after all!!

Now.... go subscribe to my offenses and then run and tell the rest of those pricks you've been hanging around with to knock their shit off before they ruin it for the rest of us!!

Just tell them God sent you, they'll listen!

:p

This post is spreading the word while still keeping a wary eye out for the Apocalypse over at:

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So, no offense to all the bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burners out there, but I’ve decided I am going to do the American thing by outsourcing my blog for pennies a day to some needy, dumpster-diving, downtrodden third-worlder.

Like one of these:


Oh, I know what you’re thinking, though. “Chelle B., I am a bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burner and I think it is nice and charitable of you to help some needy, dumpster-diving third worlder out like that!“.

Ha!

Yeah, OK.

If it makes you feel better.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am only doing it because blogging is just so much frigging work and frankly, I married rich just so I didn‘t have to work!!!

I'd much rather do this:



That’s right, that's me. Hate the game, not the player.

I am not afraid to admit that not only am I a non-bleeding-heart patriotic American capitalist pig, I am a smart and rich non-bleeding-heart patriotic American capitalist pig who took her mother‘s advice and enjoys the many fringe benefits that come with marrying rich.

Benefits like: French chefs, Swedish massage therapists, English butlers, Greek pool boys, San Franciscan hair dressers, Italian soccer players… you know, those sorts of things!!

(Oh, and I can't forget those 'open-all-night' Hispanic taco truck drivers, too. ).

Hooyah!

Anyhoo… where was I again?

Oh, yeah...so as you can see, for someone like myself, to just be a plain ol‘ do-the-work-on-my-own blogger really goes against everything I believe in!!!

Between you and me, though, it hasn’t been easy finding the right guy for the job. It's almost harder than doing the work myself!

The first guy I brought on board was actually my neighbor’s son who told me he was an experienced blogger, but it quickly turned ugly and I had to fire him.

At about that same time, he got kicked out of his parent‘s house:


Who knew he’d quit sleeping, bathing or going to college or that he’d become completely obsessed with me, my naked pictures and my silly little blogs??

Ugh.

Believe me, I learned my lesson with him and won’t be letting the next guy I hire into my private “Chelle B. ~ XXX” files!

Anyhoo…I had a few more candidates that I've considered replacing the last pervert with, but so far none of them have worked out.

Like this guy who phoned in his application from Montana:


Yeaaaah, I know!

What the hell was he thinking by even applying to do my blogging for me?

Pffft...as if I would hire someone who doesn't even own a computer.

I did like his attitude though, and I actually offered to supply him with one, but Montana is a neo-Marxist union state and his asking wage was too high so I reluctantly moved on to the next applicant.

Which happened to be this nice, friendly gentleman from Pennsylvania:

(Hey, he had more to censor than the Montana guy!! ;)

His cute screen name was kidraper69, and he was so nice on the phone and during our all-night chats, and he seemed like the perfect match, but then that stupid Dateline show caught up with him allegedly trying to molest a little boy or something at one of their kiddy porn stakeout houses and mister kidraper69 was suddenly “unavailable”.

Frigging Dateline.

I mean, don’t they have better things to do like make documentaries about Britney Spears trying to molest Paris Hilton or something??!! Ugh.

Anyhoo... so with the top two contenders out of the running, I was forced to lower my standards quite a bit.

The next candidate that I turned down was this little cutie-pie from Georgia:


I know!! I really fell in love with him and his accent.

He was actually the most qualified for the job, too, but he requires more naps and maintenance than I do and the child labor laws in my state prevented me from working him more than 16 hours a day, so….he was out. :(

And then there was this one, who I suspected was lying on his application when I could never get him on the phone to hear if he really was a 29 year old programmer from Indiana:


He can chat well, though, and he almost had me convinced that he was human!

Same story with this one, who tried to sell me on this whole “I’m an out of work college Mascot” sob story:


Heh, lucky for me that I was wise to him and his birdshit after almost being fooled by the wonder dog in Minnesota.

That’s right, birdman, I am not that gullible!

After him, came this next one from Florida and I felt a little guilty turning him down.

I know his being handicapped shouldn't even be a factor in my decision, but good god, it would have taken him all day to type just the title to my blog posts:



So after going through a few more non-computer-owning, potentially child molesting, grossly underage, somewhat handicapped, obviously non-human applicants, I finally have it narrowed down to two guys.

One is a guy who works for Microsoft tech support out of Arizona and the other one is a guy who is currently helping run Ron Paul's campaign from New Hampshire:


I know, they both seem perfect!! I am still waiting on their background checks.

If they both come back clean, it will be a hard decision as to which one will get which of my blogs, because, in case you weren't aware, I HAVE TWO OF THEM!!

(You do know that I have two, right? Oh, good!)

Of course, either of these guys can be “The Offended Blogger”, but it takes a special touch to qualify to be “The Offended American”.

Between you and me, I think since he is more political, I’m leaning toward the monk for that position.

Well, unless one of you bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burners needs a job for pennies a day??

If so, just send in an application and I'll be happy to take a look!!

:p

This post has been outsourced for just pennies a day over at:

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Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!! Soooo...what offenses are on your agenda this weekend?? ( remember to email the pictures to me on Monday, OK?! ;)

As for me, it is 12 degrees outside and since I am not an Eskimo, my chances of any real life offending are pretty much slim to none.

Why the #$%! did I move to Idaho again?!

Oh well, at least I have my wonderfully offensive and offending readers to get me through until spring!



Hey, speaking of offending readers, I am dedicating this entire Weekender Offender post to one of the funniest, most incredibly narcissistic and humorific blogging bastards that I have ever had the pleasure of being offended by!!

He does it so well and he is the latest winner of my "Offended Blogger" award.



You may have heard of him, he runs a little blog he likes to call Mental Poo and if you haven't heard of him or have but have just never had the pleasure of stepping in his "intellectual excrement", you are seriously missing out!

His blog is definitely not for children or those with large offending sticks up their colons, but it is one of the best out there for the rest of us.

The brilliant mind behind the psychogenic bowel movements goes by the code name of moooooog35 and he would have us believe that in real life he looks like this:

Bwahahaha, yeah, I know!

That alone deserves an award, doesn't it. :)

Of course, like you, I know he is completely full of shit and although he may not want to admit it, he only wishes just one of his heads was that big!!

Heh. I know the real truth though.

Don't tell him, but this morning I hacked his bank account and I hired a private investigator (who, ironically, I found through one of the google ads on his blog so he earned a few cents back right there!!) and the guy did a little "investigatory" research for me.

Yes, it really is amazing what 20 of mooooog's hard earned ad-sense dollars can get you online these days! You should see what else I bought! I even charged the brand new truck I bought my husband for Valentine's Day on moooooog's card, he must have stellar credit for his limits to be so high!

Anyhoo...it didn't take long before several family members came forward with some pretty revealing details about this guy and it is my pleasure to allow you deeper into the twisted mind of this funny psychological feces-slinging bastard. Deeper into his mendulla oblangata than even he will allow us to go.

Apparently, according to his nephew, (who is still in the recovery ward of the local hospital by the way), this snapshot was taken at a recent family reunion:

Ouch! I know! My balls hurt looking at it, and I don't even have any!!

It gets worse, too!

Hard to believe, but apparently this merciless atomic wedgie perpetrating uncle moooooog is the same masturbatory mastermind who brought us side splitting tales of moooooog spooge over at Mental Poo!

(I am looking into it, but I do believe atomic wedgies are illegal in his state!)

It doesn't stop there, either.

I found out that he has perpetrated much worse and much more humiliating crimes against the very humanity of those who are supposed to be the closest to him!

Even his own children quickly and happily ratted him out.

Check out what he did when his wife left him home alone with them one day:

OK, I admit, that one is pretty funny and it is actually the method I used to get my own daughter to say "ma-ma" so I can forgive that one.

But still, it is legal in Idaho and since I don't know the laws in his state, I can't say that I condone it!!

Oh, and speaking of his loyal and trusting wife, I feel the most sorry for her!!

She seems so sweet and so undeserving, and frankly, with her looks she could do so much better but I think she stays and takes it because her self esteem is probably right there in the same toilet where he gives the baby swirlies!

It isn't her fault she feels so low, apparently for years now he has done nothing but told her how much he wished she looked like Angelina Jolie!

I know, what a bastard, huh?? Men and their penile pathology. Ugh.

She actually confided in me that since they married, she has had more than a few minor procedures done in futile attempts to fulfill his pathological penile wishes, but he still lusts after the real thing and completely ignores her:

I know, just look at the poor thing!

I am telling you, if she leaves him for a Brad Pitt look alike he will have no one to blame but himself! Well and his penis.

Despite all of this evidence against him, I will admit, not all of his family members had bad things to say about "the moooooog".

In fact, his glassy-eyed surfer brother didn't even remember him at first but when he finally did, he seemed to really like him:

Yeaaaah. I know.

I am not sure if that even is his real brother either, the jury is still out on that one for me, too, but hey, at least someone had something good to say, right?

And, I do have to agree with the glassy-eyed surfer dude that moooooog really is one of the funniest mother f*ckers out there and despite the horrific acts of abuse he dishes out to his loved ones, I am happy to bestow my "Offended Blogger" award on him and I will continue to allow him to hurl his psychological scat my way!

But he better go visit his nephew and apologize and he better start having some good sex with his lovely Angie Jolie look-alike wife (with the TV off, dammit!!), or my attitude may just change.

If it does, I'll let you know.

:p

This post wishes it was even half as funny as the shit being slung by mooooooog35 from Mental Poo who, by the way, is also listed over at:

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So um, no offense to blogging but I found a new favorite hobby.

It is so exciting, you really should try it! Not only does my new hobby give you a good work out, but you can do it with strangers and a lot of times you even get to do it with them while you are totally naked!

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking and no, my new hobby isn't that.

Man, do you always have to go there??!

Come on, we both know that isn't even a hobby! That is more of a necessity, don't you think?? I mean, heh, after food, water and shelter...I know that comes next in my list of things a human needs to survive.

Hooyah!

Well, to be honest, between you and me, I could even do without food and water if I just had shelter and that. And... I only require shelter because I live in Idaho and it's winter time, so ya know, without shelter I could die doing that!! In the summer, shelter gets bumped right off my list so I am really just left with that.

Then again, now that I think of it, is shelter really all that important at all? I mean, to die doing that wouldn't be all that bad, now would it?

Anyhoo...where was I again? Man, you always get me sidetracked with thoughts of that.

Oh yeah! I was telling you about my new hobby!!

It is fun, and lucky me, I learned it from the master:



That's my friend George, he's a professional protester.

Yep, protesting is my new hobby.

George has been beaten, tear-gassed and arrested 37 times in 12 different countries, he is friggin awesome at it. He actually turned me on to the whole protest scene and I can't imagine life without it now!

If you aren't a protester you are really missing out on some good times! And I don't just mean getting gassed and thumped with billy clubs, either!! Those are just extra benefits.

As a protester, the best part is that I get to meet the coolest people and hold the coolest signs and wear the coolest clothes (or none at all if it is a really good one!!!).

And, if it is really, really good, I get to meet even more of the coolest people inside of the coolest jail cells all around the world, too!! I know, it is cool.

Of course, it took a while to get the hang of it though, just like with any new hobby. At first I had no idea what I was doing.

My first protest ever was with these guys, who I guess were protesting some sort of nazi Illuminati world government agency that runs Hollywood and makes people wear funny hats or something.

They called it the "F.U.R."


I still don't know what exactly that was all about, but I just kinda watched and learned at that one.

At my second protest, though, I actually joined in because I think they were protesting the abuse of red paint, and I have always had strong feelings about that issue:

Well, OK, I didn't know I felt strongly about the abuse of red paint before that, but I sure do now!! You won't find me abusing it anymore. I only abuse other sorts of paint (fumes) now.

From there, though, I really became addicted to protesting all of the most important injustices going on out there in our sick and twisted world!!

Like here, I went to Canada and joined in on this protest against keeping Korean slaves:


That's right, it is a big issue up there in Canada, most people don't even know it though because they are too busy abusing red paint and letting the nazi Illuminati do mind control on them!!

That protest really opened my eyes to the poor enslaved Korean's feelings and touched me so much that when I got back home, I went right out and bought some wet dog food, a space heater, a bigger cage and lighter chains for my own Korean slaves, because dammit, they do deserve better treatment!!!

It paid off, too, my house is cleaner than ever before and you should see my lawn, it is like a friggin golf course now!! Hooyah.

Anyhoo...after the Korean slave protest, I actually made my first rookie mistake.

Hey, I know what you are thinking but don't worry about me, it's OK, it was bound to happen. Anytime you start a new hobby, you are going to make mistakes!

It's how you learn, right?

Mine was pretty bad one though, I am almost ashamed to even admit what happened. I thought I was joining in an anti-Republican protest because it looked like his sign said the "GOP HATES THE USA!".

I mean, it does, right?!!

Right.

Well...I should have been clued in when there were only two of us protesting while everyone else gave us dirty looks and yelled obscenities at us....and it wasn't until a few hours later that I noticed the T-shirt he gave me to wear said something totally different than what I thought his sign said, and um, well let me just say that it was not nearly as nice as the "GOP HATES THE USA"!!


Yes, of course I felt awful!!

Heh, especially after a gang of well dressed transexuals kicked my ass on the way home!!!

Boy did I learn my lesson!!

It didn't stop me though, it was definitely a good learning experience and I began choosing my protests a lot more carefully.

The next one I decided to join in on was probably the most fun, these people were crazy and taught me all about "the man" and how I should never allow myself to become enslaved to him like my housecleaning, landscaping Koreans were to me:



I know, they are so cool huh? I love those nutty bastards!!

And no, I don't mind if my neighbors think I am a little strange because I go out every morning with my red kilt and "NO WORK" t-shirt on and dance around in the street mocking them as they leave their houses to slave for "the man"!!

I am committed to the cause and someday I just know my efforts will pay off and they will abandon their jobs and join in with me, and we will all dance in the street in celebration!! I live for that day...

Anyhoo...I have become so good at protesting that I have actually begun to organize my own protests!!

That's right, some of the best ones on Fox News have been organized by moi and you probably aren't even aware of it!

Like this one:


Yep, that was one of mine!!

I did it because that is an issue that I feel very strongly about!! I'm sure you do, too, right?! We both know there are far too many stupid people in this world!!

Stupid idiots who do stupid things like: abuse red paint, support abusive nazi Illuminati organizations, abuse their own undeserving Korean slaves, allow themselves to be abused and enslaved by "the man" and far worse things, too!

You probably aren't aware of it, but stupid people are the root cause of all injustice in the world and there is nothing more important than the newest campaign that I have become involved in.

I took it upon myself to make sure you are informed of the most dangerous thing facing mankind, something far more nefarious than global warming even!!

Oh, hey, you don't have to thank me, I am just doing my job!

I do hope that you take the threat seriously and you join in with me to put an end to this evil and highly underreported social injustice perpetrated by the stupidest of stupid people who walk among us:

THAT'S RIGHT!

BOGARTING IS FRIGGING EVIL!!!

I am actually organizing a protest near you soon, so make sure you join in so we can put an end to bogarting once and for all, OK??

Oh, and hey, if you do come to join in, make sure you bring your own damn weed, because I am soooo not sharing mine with you!!!

:p

This post is bogarting the good stuff over at:

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Men, never, ever jokingly volunteer to be your lactating wife's third nipple...

Ever.

An ad campaign for Boots' nipple cream has escaped a ban from the advertising watchdog despite 19 complaints from members of the public and women's groups that it was misleading and offensive.

A press ad, for the Boots Expert moisturising nipple cream, ran in magazines including OK!, Mother & Baby, Best and Chat. The campaign also included a radio ad.
The magazine ad featured a sketch drawing of a woman holding her baby at arm's length with a grimace on her face.

Her dress was open and showed the skin on her breast stretched taut from the baby's mouth.

In the ad the woman complains that breastfeeding has caused her to have extremely sore nipples.

"For the first time in my life I wish I had three nipples," states part of the copy in the ad.

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This post is trying to grow a third nipple over at:

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No offense, but... who are you and what are you doing at my blog?

Ugh!

I'm really sorry, I ran out of my ADD medication a couple days ago and I keep getting sidetracked and forgetting to go refill the prescription so I am having a little difficulty today remembering things.

In fact, I forgot that I even had this blog until I came across it over at Blog Catalog and recognized my picture in the sidebar!

It is pretty cool, who knew I was so funny?! :)

Anyhoo.... being severely ADD is no fun! It has really been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember, which at this point is about two sentences back.

Oh, it's OK, don't feel sorry for me, I am used to it. I was only recently diagnosed and medicated, but lucky for me, my family has been very patient and very understanding all these years!

I am especially lucky that my husband is the forgiving type or we may not even be together.

Gosh, I must have forgotten to show up at at least twelve weddings that he had planned and arranged for us:

I finally remembered after he had the priest lock me in the little confessional and we've been married now for...um...well for a long time!

Unfortunately, because of my little problem, over the years we've had to rebuild our lives (and a few homes) thanks to me accidentally forgetting to turn off the oven, or the iron, or the blow torch that I always used to thaw out dinner:

That was our fourth house that we lived in that first year of marriage. Boy, do I miss it!!

What made it harder on us, too, is that I kept forgetting to pay the insurance premiums every month! It really isn't my fault, I have a disease but apparently those insurance people are very strict about those sorts of things.

Heartless bastards.

Before being medicated, I used to have similar problems when I would drive, too.

Not just the usual "Have you seen my keys?? WHERE THE #$%! ARE MY KEYS???" thing, either.

No, I would forget little things like which pedal did what, what letter on the gear shift stood for what, looking out for the children before backing up, you know, little things like that.

More than once I'd even forgotten that I was still pumping gas when I drove off from the station!!


Yes, that was me, on the news. I know, talk about embarrassing!!

Heh, lucky I have no problem crying like a baby and showing my breasts to policemen, or I would have had to pay a lot of fines!

Worse that that, though, I have been banned from every convenience store within 100 miles of me and not just for driving off with their gas pump hoses.

I find it rather unfair, too, since I am the victim. I am the one who is disabled with ADD, but they act like it is the other way around!

I mean, between you and me, why is it that they can put up bulletproof glass to protect the clerk but they can't figure out a way to keep little forgetful me from plowing through the front windows??

How stupid is that??

So, in my mind, it really is their own fault when little things like this happen:



Ha! Of course I never had insurance.

Is he crazy??

Personally, I think it's his job to worry about things like insurance as the 'responsible', non-ADD afflicted business owner, right?

Geez, I have a hard enough time remembering to flee the scene before the news crew shows up when these things happen!

But, sometimes ADD can be a blessing. For instance it is lucky for us that I always forget to register titles and have license plates and tags put on our cars, so thanks to my ADD we've lost a few good cars but we've never had to pay a penny for my little 'accidents'!!

Hmm, now that I think of it, I wonder if some of the times I thought I had lost my car at the Walmart parking lot it was because of forgetting to pay the payments. I honestly don't remember ever making a payment on any of those cars!

Anyhoo...where was I?

Oh yes...of course, PETA and the SPCA were always after me too because I accidentally forget to have my pets spayed or neutered, and you know how prolific pets can be:


We used to give away that many cats a day!! Some of them had two heads and five legs, though. I would always forget to separate the ones who were related so they kinda kept breeding.

Gosh, sometimes I would forget that I even had pets:


As if that wasn't bad enough...I am almost embarrassed to admit it... but sometimes I would even accidentally forget that I had children too!!


It took a few years, but my husband finally got used to the fact that I would forget to take birth control and forget that I wasn't married to Jesus the taco truck guy, too. He loves the kids like they are his own, thankfully.

Yes, living with ADD is not easy but if I remember to take my medication it isn't so bad, I can almost manage to remember the important things and I also found that joining a support group with people who are going through the same thing helped a lot, too.

It was so great to find others who are just like me.

People who forget to go to their own weddings, pay their bills, turn off appliances, which pedal was the brake, pick their kids up from school, spay and neuter their animals, who they were married to, or forget to put on their pants before taking public transportation:


That's my friends in the ADD support group. Nice legs, huh?

Hey don't laugh at us, I bet you have forgotten where your keys are or to put pants on more than once!! It isn't nice to make fun of the disabled anyway.

We are people too, you know.

Anyhoo...I can't remember what this post was supposed to be about, or why I am even writing it, and I have to run get some milk down at the Quickie Mart so I better go.

Hey, um, have you seen my keys??

WHERE THE #$%! ARE MY KEYS???

This post is wandering aimlessly from blog to blog, wondering what the hell it is doing over at:

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Soooo... I am not an ultra devout church goer then?? I am so confused!!

"I have to admit, it is funny, but it's not appropriate for where it is," Cedrone said. "I just think it's offensive."

She said she is glad her 11-year-old wasn't in the car with her to ask, `Mom, what does that mean?'"

"If it was said at a party with adults, it's funny, but our children are exposed to enough of this kind of thing."

She called the church and her local councillor to complain.

A church official said they were unaware the sign would offend anyone.

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This post is on it's knees in church over at:

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My very first lolcatz:

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Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!

This Weekender Offender is dedicated to the late, great Jim Morrison, the Lizard King himself, as well as Stephanie, the winner of my "Weekender Offender" award because of her neglecting to mention that baking soda will scrub the ick off after visiting my blog!!


Go visit Stephanie over at her place and play Candyland with her!

Now then, I owe a big thank you for everyone who participated in "Guess My Offense"!! It was not only fun to put together, but even more fun to see just what sort of deviant offender you imagined that I was as a child.

I'll definitely be doing it again next week as a warm up to the next Weekender Offender. :)

Now then, to reveal which offense I, Chelle B., child genius extraordinaire, executed!!

I think I'll start with the ones that aren't mine, which are....numbers one and three.

That's right, I could never have done number one, as spiking a teacher's drink would have been unthinkable (until at least middle school!) for me!!

(Disclaimer: never, ever spike someones drink. It is not only wrong but could rack up some bad karma for you!)

Number three is an evil and brilliant plot, and I am flattered by those who had faith in me for pulling that one off, and had the opportunity arisen for me at age 13, I quite possibly would have tried to pull it off, but, sadly, it was just the figment of my own adult evil genius imagining.

(Disclaimer: don't try it because it probably wouldn't work anyway, people know their own dogs for notgod's sake!!)

So, that leaves us with number two, stealing from my mother to pay for my candy bar addiction. Most of you chose this one and you were right!

Not only did I steal enough to cover the ones I had eaten, but I took $2 extra in anticipation of eating two more candy bars!! Now that, my friends, is the sign of a true evil genius.

In my defense, I did not know the silver dollars were family heirlooms and luckily my mother counted the money before we turned it in to the school. She got her coins back, and I couldn't sit down for a week afterwards.

But hey, the therapist is helping me work through the trauma of it and I did get to go to science camp, so it all worked out!! :)

(Disclaimer: stealing is wrong and you will most likely get caught, as I did!!)


So the winners of this week's "Guess My Offense" are:


Alan/Libdrone (who was the first one to get it right ;)

Mr. Breeze (who knows me better than anyone since we are related by marriage!)

Shanow5 (my incredibly intelligent 15 year old son.)

GFRNGYJUKMIUBD (aka Puff Matty who is in desperate need of a spelling tutor! ;)

theaspiringhorseplayer (who really knows how to play the odds!)

Uri Kalish (who undoubtedly knows more Hebrew than I do!!)

suchsimplepleasures (who almost picked number 3 but listened to her instinct and got it right!!)

techfun (who introduced me to notgod and changed my life forever! ;)

Slick (that slicksumbich who still makes me smile thinking of his naughty comment verification thingy! Oh and hey Slick, URGAY!! :p )

Mike (who is very sweet because although he knew I was capable of one of them, he wanted to believe I wasn't capable of #3!!)

moooooog35 (who also makes me smile with his offensive mental poo and who was also a cunning, evil genius child and because of it deserved that ill gotten $5!!)

tsunade (who is my sweet and very perceptive 13 year old daughter and knows to do as I say, not as I do, or did!! ;)

GoSmelltheFlowers (who would NEVER have done such an evil deed, because flower people have a higher set of convictions than the rest of us!! :)

LeopardSkinPillBoxHat (who really scares me and needs to either see a therapist or a priest or both!! Five Hail Mary's and some prozac!!)

Stephanie (whose worse offense I imagine was probably not washing her hands before dinner!! ;)

NotGod (who answered my prayers and made it stop snowing here!! I love you notgod!!!)

Unfettered (who thinks he is fat but is in denial! :p )

Adorable Pancreas (who has made me question what I thought a pancreas looks like!!)

So, congratulations to the winners, and feel free to snag your trophy, you deserve it:

And remember to play again next time on "Guess My Offense!".

:)

This post is offending all Weekend long over at:

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