The "Repase Esto!" Offensive

So recently I submitted a blog-review to a website which shall remain nameless until I get my review back.

Hey, I don't want you running over there and seeing the results before I do!

Plus, I know how you feel about me and I wouldn't want you to do something you'll regret out of revenge to the nice people over at _____-____.___ if my review comes back badly.

Which, in all likelihood it will. The reviewers over at _____-____.___ are a pretty tough bunch, and lately it seems like they have been sporting some extra large offending-arse-sticks, so I am not holding out hope that they will have mercy on me when it comes to my turn!

Do I care though?


Ha!


Knowing them, I can already imagine how it will go:

Too long? Please!!

She just wishes she knew as many words as I do. Her and her four word posts are so not funny!!

She doesn't fool me, either. I know what she did to get such a high review on her own blog over at _____-____.___ and she is just damn lucky that I refuse to lower myself like that ever again.

That's right, I am not ashamed to admit that GNR group didn't give me the first perfect 10 they had ever given out just to reward me for my "awesome blog design" and "even better writing style".

Hooyah!

Anyhoo.... where was I? Oh yeah. My blog review over at _____-____.___ ! See, they mean so little to me over there that I've practically forgotten about them!

Next, there will be this guy who thinks he is somehow qualified to review my blog because he has a humor blog.

Pfft... we all know that he scrapes all of his material from that idiotic stoopidjokes.org:

Give me a break!! He knows that picture is funny as hell or he wouldn't have posted it himself!

Heh, where do you think I stole it from?

Oh, and I don't even need to comment on this next guy who will be "grading" my work as a "professional humor-blog reviewer":

Yeeeeeah, we all know that he still lives with his mommy and wears a diaper, so who can take him seriously?

I mean, just because he is one of the top contributors over at _____-____.___ doesn't impress me a bit!!

Hey, write your own damn blog if you want to impress me diaper boy!

The same goes for this next guy who thinks he is an expert just because he scored one the highest reviews ever over there and gets 800 comments on every single post:


Pffft. He is such a gobshite.

Too many feckin' Irish curse words my arse.

Is there even such a thing??

Ha! He's probably just jealous that I know more international curse words than he does.

The next thing you know, we'll be seeing feck, and arse, and gobshite on his blog and he'll pretend like he started the fad.

What a fecker!!

Anyhoo.... finally, there will be some grammatically incorrect and highly negative commentary from this guy:

Bwahahahaha! Uh, no comment. :)

Alright, I admit it, I deserve that. But he's just mad that I hijack all of his threads and spam his shout box with Irish curse words over at BC. Big sissy.

Hey, I can't help it if he is such an easy target! And it's not like he's special, I annoy everyone over there in the exact same way! Ask the administrators, they know.

Anyhoo.... so with that group of winners judging me over at _____-____.___, you can see why I really don't care that my review will come back with a "humorously" low score. I'll just laugh it off.

Those people and their opinions mean nothing to me!!

Nope!

Not a thing.

I know I'm funnier than all of them, and my opinion is the only one that matters, anyway!

Hell, to be honest, I don't even care what you think of my blog, so why should I care what they think of it?!!

OK, you're right, who am I kidding?

I care what you think and we both know that I will be so very deeply offended when I read my crappy _____-____.___ blog review!

Ugh. Why did I even do this to myself? My self esteem is already as low as it can get after no one commented on my last twelve posts!!

Why do I even bother?!?!

You know, I should probably just give up, delete my blog and then burn down my house with my computer in it so I will never, ever be able to blog again! Then I'll burn down the libaray so I can't use their computers, either. If my friends and neighbors offer to let me use their computers, I'll burn down their houses too!!

I really have no choice, someone has to protect me from me! It's the only way.

Yep. That's what I'm gonna do as soon as I am done with this post.

Man, this really sucks, I am going to miss my blog, and my house, and the library. I'm almost sure my friends and neighbors will miss their houses, too!!

Frigging _____-____.___ and their free blog reviews.

Well I just hope they are happy with themselves over there, and I hope they have a good lawyer because I am going to sue their asses off for all the mental anguish I'm about to inflict upon myself!!

By the time it's over, I'll own that _____-____.___ and they'll all have to come and beg me to give them blog reviews!!

Ha!! Won't that be "funny"?!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking:

"Chelle B., don't be so hard on yourself! Screw them! You have many loyal and adoring fans. Just think of how much we would miss you!!"

Aww, you are so nice! I almost feel the same way about you!! Yeah, I do have some great fans, like you, and this guy:

OK, so he just found my blog five minutes ago, but still, he thinks I am funny!! I guarantee he'll be back to ROFLOL again. Or at least to LOL.

Oh, and what about kidraper69? He thinks I am a 12 year old boy so he totally loves me!!


Yeah, I make him ROFLHFAO all the time!! (Hmmm....I think the F stands for furry but I'm not sure).

OK, I know he is currently on trial for molesting a battalion of cub scouts in Alaska, but hey, they have internet access in prisons nowadays and I bet you a million dollars that no matter how it turns out, he will always be a HUGE fan of mine.

HUGE. Possibly the BIGGEST. Ever.

Hopefully they'll give him some clothes there, though because he kinda creeps me out.

Oh, speaking of clothes, let's not forget my one and only Montana fan:

Ha! That funny, constipated bastard.

He likes to pretend that he doesn't know me, but between me and you, I drove all the way up there and bought him a computer just last week! I even set the remote access on his system to where I can log into his computer from here and click my blog open for him!

That's right, and I do it at least twenty times a day so I know he is a fan.

But you know.... even if him and kidraper69 didn't love me, and even if you weren't such a loyal subscriber to my offenses, and even if the people over at _____-____.___ with their large offending-arse-sticks don't like me and even if they give me the worst review ever, it really doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things.

That's right, you all pale in comparison to my biggest and bestest fan of all:

That's right. Jesus loves me, so what else can I ask for?

Well, except for maybe some extra jalapenos on my taco....

Or for some of his special "Mexican incense" if he hasn't sold it all to the school kids already.

Or for him to pay a visit to _____-____.___ and rough them up a little if they give me a crappy blog review.

Or...

Hey, I'm kinda hungry now so I'm gonna head over to see Jesus and grab a taco. Do you want me to bring you back something??

:p

This post is standing in line waiting for a review over at Jesus' taco truck, which is parked in front of the headquarters of humor-blogs.com.

The "It's the End of the World" Offensive

(This post is for all of you who are easily offended, the rest of you can just sit this one out, k? :)

Psst, hey, you!

That's right, I'm talking to you - the easily offended one who always has your panties in a wad.

You know who you are! You're the one who comes by and reads my blog and then loses sleep knowing I am out here in cyber space contributing to the scary global unrest out there by stirring up all this offensive stuff.

The one who sends me anonymous emails begging me to stop offending you.

Wah!!

Hey, guess what?

No... I am not going to stop blogging!

In fact, I received a message from God today, and he told me to keep blogging and to tell you that the end of the world is close at hand, and that it's all your damned fault for being so frigging offended all the time!!

Yep, that's right.

His words, not mine!

End of the world.

All your fault.

We are all going to die and you are to blame.

Heh, thanks alot, the rest of us really appreciate it, you offended asshole.

Yep, I know what you're thinking about now:

"Chelle B., just who do you think you are and just how the hell do you expect me to believe that you became a messenger of God?!!".

Well, heh, come on now.... I know that you read my blog everyday, so you tell me:

Are you really that surprised?! :)

I didn't think so.

Believe it or not, my blog is pretty damn popular over on the other side now that I have made #1 on the front page of Blog Catalog (out of the 80 trillion blogs listed there ~ Hooyah!!!) so... naturally, the Almighty decided to one-up them by making me his personal blogging harbinger of doom.

That's right. Me.

He hooked me up when I was outside today, heading over to check on my winter crop over in my secretly located greenhouse:


That's right.

Read it and weep. He chose me.

Hey, I can't help it if He noticed me because I am the bestest feckin' blogger on planet earth!!

Maybe if you quit whining and bitching about all these perceived offenses, you'd have more time to be a better blogger yourself!

I mean, damn!

It must be a full time job being such a whiny bitch all the time.

Anyhoo... stop trying to change the subject! We both know what you are.

Like I said, you are the reason the planet is going to be destroyed and the rest of us are all going to suffer the wrath of His indignation thanks to you and all those other offended asses like you out there.

Heh, if you would have been paying more attention at Sunday School, Jesus already told you all about it in the gospels.

Remember when his disciples asked him what the signs were going to be of the last days??


What do you mean, you don't remember that and you don't believe me?

That's exactly what he said!

I wouldn't make something like that up!!

OK, you're right, I made up what the disciple said so I probably would make up the other thing, but sometimes the truth is stranger and a whole helluva lot funnier than fiction so here is even more proof for you:


Ha!

That would be the book of Matthew, chapter 24, verse 10.

I dare you to go look it up, you shall see that it is there, in black and white (or red if you happen to have that version of the bible)!!

Many shall be offended.

Christ said it.

Last days.

Here we are.

It's all your fault.

Hell, even the Mayans predicted it would happen around this time, and they were not the brightest bunch on the planet, you know??

I mean, for Christ's sake, they sacrificed and probably ate their own children and even they knew we only had until 2012 before your kind would rise up and destroy us all!!

I know.... you still aren't convinced.

You need more proof?

Yep, God told me that you would, so I even Googled it for you!

Just take a look at this graph which has a timeline showing how often offended pricks like you have been reported in the news over the last thousand years:

Now, you tell me if we are not about 4 years away from reaching maximum density of offensiveness!

That's right, Google that!

Pretty damn scary, huh.

Well, like I said, you can only blame yourself.

You did it.

Hey, don't look at me, I'm not the one who cries and gets my panties all in a wad and has to call the ACLU every time someone "hurts my little feelings".

Man, you are such a puss!

And not just you, either. It's all of you truly offended assholes out there who make life a living hell for the rest of us non-offended assholes!!

But, hey, it's not too late, you know.

I do offer an RSS feed as well as email subscriptions!

Yep, and I can even refer you to a whole group of people who can help you pull that offending stick out of your offended ass! Have you seen my blogroll or the hundred links to humor-blogs.com?!

Come on... deep down inside, you know it's funny as hell to poke fun and laugh at the easily offended among us!

Ha!!

See? I knew I could get you to see the light!!

Hey, maybe you aren't such a bastard after all!!

Now.... go subscribe to my offenses and then run and tell the rest of those pricks you've been hanging around with to knock their shit off before they ruin it for the rest of us!!

Just tell them God sent you, they'll listen!

:p

This post is spreading the word while still keeping a wary eye out for the Apocalypse over at:

The "It's the American Way!" Offensive

So, no offense to all the bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burners out there, but I’ve decided I am going to do the American thing by outsourcing my blog for pennies a day to some needy, dumpster-diving, downtrodden third-worlder.

Like one of these:


Oh, I know what you’re thinking, though. “Chelle B., I am a bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burner and I think it is nice and charitable of you to help some needy, dumpster-diving third worlder out like that!“.

Ha!

Yeah, OK.

If it makes you feel better.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am only doing it because blogging is just so much frigging work and frankly, I married rich just so I didn‘t have to work!!!

I'd much rather do this:



That’s right, that's me. Hate the game, not the player.

I am not afraid to admit that not only am I a non-bleeding-heart patriotic American capitalist pig, I am a smart and rich non-bleeding-heart patriotic American capitalist pig who took her mother‘s advice and enjoys the many fringe benefits that come with marrying rich.

Benefits like: French chefs, Swedish massage therapists, English butlers, Greek pool boys, San Franciscan hair dressers, Italian soccer players… you know, those sorts of things!!

(Oh, and I can't forget those 'open-all-night' Hispanic taco truck drivers, too. ).

Hooyah!

Anyhoo… where was I again?

Oh, yeah...so as you can see, for someone like myself, to just be a plain ol‘ do-the-work-on-my-own blogger really goes against everything I believe in!!!

Between you and me, though, it hasn’t been easy finding the right guy for the job. It's almost harder than doing the work myself!

The first guy I brought on board was actually my neighbor’s son who told me he was an experienced blogger, but it quickly turned ugly and I had to fire him.

At about that same time, he got kicked out of his parent‘s house:


Who knew he’d quit sleeping, bathing or going to college or that he’d become completely obsessed with me, my naked pictures and my silly little blogs??

Ugh.

Believe me, I learned my lesson with him and won’t be letting the next guy I hire into my private “Chelle B. ~ XXX” files!

Anyhoo…I had a few more candidates that I've considered replacing the last pervert with, but so far none of them have worked out.

Like this guy who phoned in his application from Montana:


Yeaaaah, I know!

What the hell was he thinking by even applying to do my blogging for me?

Pffft...as if I would hire someone who doesn't even own a computer.

I did like his attitude though, and I actually offered to supply him with one, but Montana is a neo-Marxist union state and his asking wage was too high so I reluctantly moved on to the next applicant.

Which happened to be this nice, friendly gentleman from Pennsylvania:

(Hey, he had more to censor than the Montana guy!! ;)

His cute screen name was kidraper69, and he was so nice on the phone and during our all-night chats, and he seemed like the perfect match, but then that stupid Dateline show caught up with him allegedly trying to molest a little boy or something at one of their kiddy porn stakeout houses and mister kidraper69 was suddenly “unavailable”.

Frigging Dateline.

I mean, don’t they have better things to do like make documentaries about Britney Spears trying to molest Paris Hilton or something??!! Ugh.

Anyhoo... so with the top two contenders out of the running, I was forced to lower my standards quite a bit.

The next candidate that I turned down was this little cutie-pie from Georgia:


I know!! I really fell in love with him and his accent.

He was actually the most qualified for the job, too, but he requires more naps and maintenance than I do and the child labor laws in my state prevented me from working him more than 16 hours a day, so….he was out. :(

And then there was this one, who I suspected was lying on his application when I could never get him on the phone to hear if he really was a 29 year old programmer from Indiana:


He can chat well, though, and he almost had me convinced that he was human!

Same story with this one, who tried to sell me on this whole “I’m an out of work college Mascot” sob story:


Heh, lucky for me that I was wise to him and his birdshit after almost being fooled by the wonder dog in Minnesota.

That’s right, birdman, I am not that gullible!

After him, came this next one from Florida and I felt a little guilty turning him down.

I know his being handicapped shouldn't even be a factor in my decision, but good god, it would have taken him all day to type just the title to my blog posts:



So after going through a few more non-computer-owning, potentially child molesting, grossly underage, somewhat handicapped, obviously non-human applicants, I finally have it narrowed down to two guys.

One is a guy who works for Microsoft tech support out of Arizona and the other one is a guy who is currently helping run Ron Paul's campaign from New Hampshire:


I know, they both seem perfect!! I am still waiting on their background checks.

If they both come back clean, it will be a hard decision as to which one will get which of my blogs, because, in case you weren't aware, I HAVE TWO OF THEM!!

(You do know that I have two, right? Oh, good!)

Of course, either of these guys can be “The Offended Blogger”, but it takes a special touch to qualify to be “The Offended American”.

Between you and me, I think since he is more political, I’m leaning toward the monk for that position.

Well, unless one of you bleeding-heart, anti-capitalist, neo-Marxist bra burners needs a job for pennies a day??

If so, just send in an application and I'll be happy to take a look!!

:p

This post has been outsourced for just pennies a day over at:

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!! Soooo...what offenses are on your agenda this weekend?? ( remember to email the pictures to me on Monday, OK?! ;)

As for me, it is 12 degrees outside and since I am not an Eskimo, my chances of any real life offending are pretty much slim to none.

Why the #$%! did I move to Idaho again?!

Oh well, at least I have my wonderfully offensive and offending readers to get me through until spring!



Hey, speaking of offending readers, I am dedicating this entire Weekender Offender post to one of the funniest, most incredibly narcissistic and humorific blogging bastards that I have ever had the pleasure of being offended by!!

He does it so well and he is the latest winner of my "Offended Blogger" award.



You may have heard of him, he runs a little blog he likes to call Mental Poo and if you haven't heard of him or have but have just never had the pleasure of stepping in his "intellectual excrement", you are seriously missing out!

His blog is definitely not for children or those with large offending sticks up their colons, but it is one of the best out there for the rest of us.

The brilliant mind behind the psychogenic bowel movements goes by the code name of moooooog35 and he would have us believe that in real life he looks like this:

Bwahahaha, yeah, I know!

That alone deserves an award, doesn't it. :)

Of course, like you, I know he is completely full of shit and although he may not want to admit it, he only wishes just one of his heads was that big!!

Heh. I know the real truth though.

Don't tell him, but this morning I hacked his bank account and I hired a private investigator (who, ironically, I found through one of the google ads on his blog so he earned a few cents back right there!!) and the guy did a little "investigatory" research for me.

Yes, it really is amazing what 20 of mooooog's hard earned ad-sense dollars can get you online these days! You should see what else I bought! I even charged the brand new truck I bought my husband for Valentine's Day on moooooog's card, he must have stellar credit for his limits to be so high!

Anyhoo...it didn't take long before several family members came forward with some pretty revealing details about this guy and it is my pleasure to allow you deeper into the twisted mind of this funny psychological feces-slinging bastard. Deeper into his mendulla oblangata than even he will allow us to go.

Apparently, according to his nephew, (who is still in the recovery ward of the local hospital by the way), this snapshot was taken at a recent family reunion:

Ouch! I know! My balls hurt looking at it, and I don't even have any!!

It gets worse, too!

Hard to believe, but apparently this merciless atomic wedgie perpetrating uncle moooooog is the same masturbatory mastermind who brought us side splitting tales of moooooog spooge over at Mental Poo!

(I am looking into it, but I do believe atomic wedgies are illegal in his state!)

It doesn't stop there, either.

I found out that he has perpetrated much worse and much more humiliating crimes against the very humanity of those who are supposed to be the closest to him!

Even his own children quickly and happily ratted him out.

Check out what he did when his wife left him home alone with them one day:

OK, I admit, that one is pretty funny and it is actually the method I used to get my own daughter to say "ma-ma" so I can forgive that one.

But still, it is legal in Idaho and since I don't know the laws in his state, I can't say that I condone it!!

Oh, and speaking of his loyal and trusting wife, I feel the most sorry for her!!

She seems so sweet and so undeserving, and frankly, with her looks she could do so much better but I think she stays and takes it because her self esteem is probably right there in the same toilet where he gives the baby swirlies!

It isn't her fault she feels so low, apparently for years now he has done nothing but told her how much he wished she looked like Angelina Jolie!

I know, what a bastard, huh?? Men and their penile pathology. Ugh.

She actually confided in me that since they married, she has had more than a few minor procedures done in futile attempts to fulfill his pathological penile wishes, but he still lusts after the real thing and completely ignores her:

I know, just look at the poor thing!

I am telling you, if she leaves him for a Brad Pitt look alike he will have no one to blame but himself! Well and his penis.

Despite all of this evidence against him, I will admit, not all of his family members had bad things to say about "the moooooog".

In fact, his glassy-eyed surfer brother didn't even remember him at first but when he finally did, he seemed to really like him:

Yeaaaah. I know.

I am not sure if that even is his real brother either, the jury is still out on that one for me, too, but hey, at least someone had something good to say, right?

And, I do have to agree with the glassy-eyed surfer dude that moooooog really is one of the funniest mother f*ckers out there and despite the horrific acts of abuse he dishes out to his loved ones, I am happy to bestow my "Offended Blogger" award on him and I will continue to allow him to hurl his psychological scat my way!

But he better go visit his nephew and apologize and he better start having some good sex with his lovely Angie Jolie look-alike wife (with the TV off, dammit!!), or my attitude may just change.

If it does, I'll let you know.

:p

This post wishes it was even half as funny as the shit being slung by mooooooog35 from Mental Poo who, by the way, is also listed over at:

The "Just Say No!" Offensive

So um, no offense to blogging but I found a new favorite hobby.

It is so exciting, you really should try it! Not only does my new hobby give you a good work out, but you can do it with strangers and a lot of times you even get to do it with them while you are totally naked!

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking and no, my new hobby isn't that.

Man, do you always have to go there??!

Come on, we both know that isn't even a hobby! That is more of a necessity, don't you think?? I mean, heh, after food, water and shelter...I know that comes next in my list of things a human needs to survive.

Hooyah!

Well, to be honest, between you and me, I could even do without food and water if I just had shelter and that. And... I only require shelter because I live in Idaho and it's winter time, so ya know, without shelter I could die doing that!! In the summer, shelter gets bumped right off my list so I am really just left with that.

Then again, now that I think of it, is shelter really all that important at all? I mean, to die doing that wouldn't be all that bad, now would it?

Anyhoo...where was I again? Man, you always get me sidetracked with thoughts of that.

Oh yeah! I was telling you about my new hobby!!

It is fun, and lucky me, I learned it from the master:



That's my friend George, he's a professional protester.

Yep, protesting is my new hobby.

George has been beaten, tear-gassed and arrested 37 times in 12 different countries, he is friggin awesome at it. He actually turned me on to the whole protest scene and I can't imagine life without it now!

If you aren't a protester you are really missing out on some good times! And I don't just mean getting gassed and thumped with billy clubs, either!! Those are just extra benefits.

As a protester, the best part is that I get to meet the coolest people and hold the coolest signs and wear the coolest clothes (or none at all if it is a really good one!!!).

And, if it is really, really good, I get to meet even more of the coolest people inside of the coolest jail cells all around the world, too!! I know, it is cool.

Of course, it took a while to get the hang of it though, just like with any new hobby. At first I had no idea what I was doing.

My first protest ever was with these guys, who I guess were protesting some sort of nazi Illuminati world government agency that runs Hollywood and makes people wear funny hats or something.

They called it the "F.U.R."


I still don't know what exactly that was all about, but I just kinda watched and learned at that one.

At my second protest, though, I actually joined in because I think they were protesting the abuse of red paint, and I have always had strong feelings about that issue:

Well, OK, I didn't know I felt strongly about the abuse of red paint before that, but I sure do now!! You won't find me abusing it anymore. I only abuse other sorts of paint (fumes) now.

From there, though, I really became addicted to protesting all of the most important injustices going on out there in our sick and twisted world!!

Like here, I went to Canada and joined in on this protest against keeping Korean slaves:


That's right, it is a big issue up there in Canada, most people don't even know it though because they are too busy abusing red paint and letting the nazi Illuminati do mind control on them!!

That protest really opened my eyes to the poor enslaved Korean's feelings and touched me so much that when I got back home, I went right out and bought some wet dog food, a space heater, a bigger cage and lighter chains for my own Korean slaves, because dammit, they do deserve better treatment!!!

It paid off, too, my house is cleaner than ever before and you should see my lawn, it is like a friggin golf course now!! Hooyah.

Anyhoo...after the Korean slave protest, I actually made my first rookie mistake.

Hey, I know what you are thinking but don't worry about me, it's OK, it was bound to happen. Anytime you start a new hobby, you are going to make mistakes!

It's how you learn, right?

Mine was pretty bad one though, I am almost ashamed to even admit what happened. I thought I was joining in an anti-Republican protest because it looked like his sign said the "GOP HATES THE USA!".

I mean, it does, right?!!

Right.

Well...I should have been clued in when there were only two of us protesting while everyone else gave us dirty looks and yelled obscenities at us....and it wasn't until a few hours later that I noticed the T-shirt he gave me to wear said something totally different than what I thought his sign said, and um, well let me just say that it was not nearly as nice as the "GOP HATES THE USA"!!


Yes, of course I felt awful!!

Heh, especially after a gang of well dressed transexuals kicked my ass on the way home!!!

Boy did I learn my lesson!!

It didn't stop me though, it was definitely a good learning experience and I began choosing my protests a lot more carefully.

The next one I decided to join in on was probably the most fun, these people were crazy and taught me all about "the man" and how I should never allow myself to become enslaved to him like my housecleaning, landscaping Koreans were to me:



I know, they are so cool huh? I love those nutty bastards!!

And no, I don't mind if my neighbors think I am a little strange because I go out every morning with my red kilt and "NO WORK" t-shirt on and dance around in the street mocking them as they leave their houses to slave for "the man"!!

I am committed to the cause and someday I just know my efforts will pay off and they will abandon their jobs and join in with me, and we will all dance in the street in celebration!! I live for that day...

Anyhoo...I have become so good at protesting that I have actually begun to organize my own protests!!

That's right, some of the best ones on Fox News have been organized by moi and you probably aren't even aware of it!

Like this one:


Yep, that was one of mine!!

I did it because that is an issue that I feel very strongly about!! I'm sure you do, too, right?! We both know there are far too many stupid people in this world!!

Stupid idiots who do stupid things like: abuse red paint, support abusive nazi Illuminati organizations, abuse their own undeserving Korean slaves, allow themselves to be abused and enslaved by "the man" and far worse things, too!

You probably aren't aware of it, but stupid people are the root cause of all injustice in the world and there is nothing more important than the newest campaign that I have become involved in.

I took it upon myself to make sure you are informed of the most dangerous thing facing mankind, something far more nefarious than global warming even!!

Oh, hey, you don't have to thank me, I am just doing my job!

I do hope that you take the threat seriously and you join in with me to put an end to this evil and highly underreported social injustice perpetrated by the stupidest of stupid people who walk among us:

THAT'S RIGHT!

BOGARTING IS FRIGGING EVIL!!!

I am actually organizing a protest near you soon, so make sure you join in so we can put an end to bogarting once and for all, OK??

Oh, and hey, if you do come to join in, make sure you bring your own damn weed, because I am soooo not sharing mine with you!!!

:p

This post is bogarting the good stuff over at:

The "Triple Nipple" Offensive

Men, never, ever jokingly volunteer to be your lactating wife's third nipple...

Ever.

An ad campaign for Boots' nipple cream has escaped a ban from the advertising watchdog despite 19 complaints from members of the public and women's groups that it was misleading and offensive.

A press ad, for the Boots Expert moisturising nipple cream, ran in magazines including OK!, Mother & Baby, Best and Chat. The campaign also included a radio ad.
The magazine ad featured a sketch drawing of a woman holding her baby at arm's length with a grimace on her face.

Her dress was open and showed the skin on her breast stretched taut from the baby's mouth.

In the ad the woman complains that breastfeeding has caused her to have extremely sore nipples.

"For the first time in my life I wish I had three nipples," states part of the copy in the ad.

---> Read More <---

This post is trying to grow a third nipple over at:

The "Where the #$%! are my Keys?!" Offensive

No offense, but... who are you and what are you doing at my blog?

Ugh!

I'm really sorry, I ran out of my ADD medication a couple days ago and I keep getting sidetracked and forgetting to go refill the prescription so I am having a little difficulty today remembering things.

In fact, I forgot that I even had this blog until I came across it over at Blog Catalog and recognized my picture in the sidebar!

It is pretty cool, who knew I was so funny?! :)

Anyhoo.... being severely ADD is no fun! It has really been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember, which at this point is about two sentences back.

Oh, it's OK, don't feel sorry for me, I am used to it. I was only recently diagnosed and medicated, but lucky for me, my family has been very patient and very understanding all these years!

I am especially lucky that my husband is the forgiving type or we may not even be together.

Gosh, I must have forgotten to show up at at least twelve weddings that he had planned and arranged for us:

I finally remembered after he had the priest lock me in the little confessional and we've been married now for...um...well for a long time!

Unfortunately, because of my little problem, over the years we've had to rebuild our lives (and a few homes) thanks to me accidentally forgetting to turn off the oven, or the iron, or the blow torch that I always used to thaw out dinner:

That was our fourth house that we lived in that first year of marriage. Boy, do I miss it!!

What made it harder on us, too, is that I kept forgetting to pay the insurance premiums every month! It really isn't my fault, I have a disease but apparently those insurance people are very strict about those sorts of things.

Heartless bastards.

Before being medicated, I used to have similar problems when I would drive, too.

Not just the usual "Have you seen my keys?? WHERE THE #$%! ARE MY KEYS???" thing, either.

No, I would forget little things like which pedal did what, what letter on the gear shift stood for what, looking out for the children before backing up, you know, little things like that.

More than once I'd even forgotten that I was still pumping gas when I drove off from the station!!


Yes, that was me, on the news. I know, talk about embarrassing!!

Heh, lucky I have no problem crying like a baby and showing my breasts to policemen, or I would have had to pay a lot of fines!

Worse that that, though, I have been banned from every convenience store within 100 miles of me and not just for driving off with their gas pump hoses.

I find it rather unfair, too, since I am the victim. I am the one who is disabled with ADD, but they act like it is the other way around!

I mean, between you and me, why is it that they can put up bulletproof glass to protect the clerk but they can't figure out a way to keep little forgetful me from plowing through the front windows??

How stupid is that??

So, in my mind, it really is their own fault when little things like this happen:



Ha! Of course I never had insurance.

Is he crazy??

Personally, I think it's his job to worry about things like insurance as the 'responsible', non-ADD afflicted business owner, right?

Geez, I have a hard enough time remembering to flee the scene before the news crew shows up when these things happen!

But, sometimes ADD can be a blessing. For instance it is lucky for us that I always forget to register titles and have license plates and tags put on our cars, so thanks to my ADD we've lost a few good cars but we've never had to pay a penny for my little 'accidents'!!

Hmm, now that I think of it, I wonder if some of the times I thought I had lost my car at the Walmart parking lot it was because of forgetting to pay the payments. I honestly don't remember ever making a payment on any of those cars!

Anyhoo...where was I?

Oh yes...of course, PETA and the SPCA were always after me too because I accidentally forget to have my pets spayed or neutered, and you know how prolific pets can be:


We used to give away that many cats a day!! Some of them had two heads and five legs, though. I would always forget to separate the ones who were related so they kinda kept breeding.

Gosh, sometimes I would forget that I even had pets:


As if that wasn't bad enough...I am almost embarrassed to admit it... but sometimes I would even accidentally forget that I had children too!!


It took a few years, but my husband finally got used to the fact that I would forget to take birth control and forget that I wasn't married to Jesus the taco truck guy, too. He loves the kids like they are his own, thankfully.

Yes, living with ADD is not easy but if I remember to take my medication it isn't so bad, I can almost manage to remember the important things and I also found that joining a support group with people who are going through the same thing helped a lot, too.

It was so great to find others who are just like me.

People who forget to go to their own weddings, pay their bills, turn off appliances, which pedal was the brake, pick their kids up from school, spay and neuter their animals, who they were married to, or forget to put on their pants before taking public transportation:


That's my friends in the ADD support group. Nice legs, huh?

Hey don't laugh at us, I bet you have forgotten where your keys are or to put pants on more than once!! It isn't nice to make fun of the disabled anyway.

We are people too, you know.

Anyhoo...I can't remember what this post was supposed to be about, or why I am even writing it, and I have to run get some milk down at the Quickie Mart so I better go.

Hey, um, have you seen my keys??

WHERE THE #$%! ARE MY KEYS???

This post is wandering aimlessly from blog to blog, wondering what the hell it is doing over at:

The "Oh! Yes, God... More!!!" Offensive

Soooo... I am not an ultra devout church goer then?? I am so confused!!

"I have to admit, it is funny, but it's not appropriate for where it is," Cedrone said. "I just think it's offensive."

She said she is glad her 11-year-old wasn't in the car with her to ask, `Mom, what does that mean?'"

"If it was said at a party with adults, it's funny, but our children are exposed to enough of this kind of thing."

She called the church and her local councillor to complain.

A church official said they were unaware the sign would offend anyone.

---> Read More <---

This post is on it's knees in church over at:

The "Short Bus" Offensive

My very first lolcatz:

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!

This Weekender Offender is dedicated to the late, great Jim Morrison, the Lizard King himself, as well as Stephanie, the winner of my "Weekender Offender" award because of her neglecting to mention that baking soda will scrub the ick off after visiting my blog!!


Go visit Stephanie over at her place and play Candyland with her!

Now then, I owe a big thank you for everyone who participated in "Guess My Offense"!! It was not only fun to put together, but even more fun to see just what sort of deviant offender you imagined that I was as a child.

I'll definitely be doing it again next week as a warm up to the next Weekender Offender. :)

Now then, to reveal which offense I, Chelle B., child genius extraordinaire, executed!!

I think I'll start with the ones that aren't mine, which are....numbers one and three.

That's right, I could never have done number one, as spiking a teacher's drink would have been unthinkable (until at least middle school!) for me!!

(Disclaimer: never, ever spike someones drink. It is not only wrong but could rack up some bad karma for you!)

Number three is an evil and brilliant plot, and I am flattered by those who had faith in me for pulling that one off, and had the opportunity arisen for me at age 13, I quite possibly would have tried to pull it off, but, sadly, it was just the figment of my own adult evil genius imagining.

(Disclaimer: don't try it because it probably wouldn't work anyway, people know their own dogs for notgod's sake!!)

So, that leaves us with number two, stealing from my mother to pay for my candy bar addiction. Most of you chose this one and you were right!

Not only did I steal enough to cover the ones I had eaten, but I took $2 extra in anticipation of eating two more candy bars!! Now that, my friends, is the sign of a true evil genius.

In my defense, I did not know the silver dollars were family heirlooms and luckily my mother counted the money before we turned it in to the school. She got her coins back, and I couldn't sit down for a week afterwards.

But hey, the therapist is helping me work through the trauma of it and I did get to go to science camp, so it all worked out!! :)

(Disclaimer: stealing is wrong and you will most likely get caught, as I did!!)


So the winners of this week's "Guess My Offense" are:


Alan/Libdrone (who was the first one to get it right ;)

Mr. Breeze (who knows me better than anyone since we are related by marriage!)

Shanow5 (my incredibly intelligent 15 year old son.)

GFRNGYJUKMIUBD (aka Puff Matty who is in desperate need of a spelling tutor! ;)

theaspiringhorseplayer (who really knows how to play the odds!)

Uri Kalish (who undoubtedly knows more Hebrew than I do!!)

suchsimplepleasures (who almost picked number 3 but listened to her instinct and got it right!!)

techfun (who introduced me to notgod and changed my life forever! ;)

Slick (that slicksumbich who still makes me smile thinking of his naughty comment verification thingy! Oh and hey Slick, URGAY!! :p )

Mike (who is very sweet because although he knew I was capable of one of them, he wanted to believe I wasn't capable of #3!!)

moooooog35 (who also makes me smile with his offensive mental poo and who was also a cunning, evil genius child and because of it deserved that ill gotten $5!!)

tsunade (who is my sweet and very perceptive 13 year old daughter and knows to do as I say, not as I do, or did!! ;)

GoSmelltheFlowers (who would NEVER have done such an evil deed, because flower people have a higher set of convictions than the rest of us!! :)

LeopardSkinPillBoxHat (who really scares me and needs to either see a therapist or a priest or both!! Five Hail Mary's and some prozac!!)

Stephanie (whose worse offense I imagine was probably not washing her hands before dinner!! ;)

NotGod (who answered my prayers and made it stop snowing here!! I love you notgod!!!)

Unfettered (who thinks he is fat but is in denial! :p )

Adorable Pancreas (who has made me question what I thought a pancreas looks like!!)

So, congratulations to the winners, and feel free to snag your trophy, you deserve it:

And remember to play again next time on "Guess My Offense!".

:)

This post is offending all Weekend long over at:

(Click over and help me get on the front page!!)

The "Guess My Offense" Offensive

So today as I was reminiscing over my rather unique childhood, I realized just how many offenses I committed (and most importantly, got away with) before I became old enough to even buy porn and cigarettes.

Boy, do I miss those days! Don't you?

Of course you do!

Now, I don't know about you, but some of my offenses were so great and so brilliant (and since the statute of limitations on most of them has recently passed) I feel that they are seriously overdue some well deserved recognition!

So I decided that the best way to do them justice is to turn them into a pre-Weekender Offender warm-up game that I am calling....

"Guess My Offense!"

(For those of you who have no real offenses to reminisce over, because you played Chutes and Ladders instead of Quarters and Strip Poker at your childhood sleepovers, this will be a perfect chance to let your sweet, innocent, non-offensive inner child hang out with my, um, well, not as sweet, never that frigging innocent and delightfully offensive inner child. That's right, and all without the fear of possibly being charged as an accomplice!! Hooyah. ;)

Anyhoo...the game is simple, really.

I will give you three different scenarios that each depict a typical rebellious girl offense of varying legality. Only one will be an actual offense that I, Chelle B., proudly executed with my childlike, evil-genius precision.

You just pick the one that you think is mine and leave a comment with your guess and we'll see how good you are at "Guess My Offense". Winners will get honorable mention on my Weekender Offender post where I will also reveal the offense that belongs to me.

Ready?!

OK, here goes:

1st offense: At 10 years old, Chelle B. received an "F" on her report card. In a futile attempt to keep her parents from knowing, she spiked the teacher's coffee with laxatives and stole the teacher's record book while she was indisposed. It is probably still at the bottom of the Stanislaus river today.

2nd offense: At 12 years old, Chelle B. was selling candy bars to help earn the money for 6th grade science camp. To make up for the fact that she ate $8.00 worth of candy bars herself, she raided her mom's jewelry box and took $10.00 worth of silver dollars that had once belonged to her grandfather.

3rd offense: At 13 years old, Chelle B. noticed a reward poster for a missing dog in a friend's neighborhood. The reward was $100. Chelle B. had never had $100. The dog looked just like one that lived in her neighborhood. That night, under cover of darkness, she coaxed the look-alike dog with a piece of salami and abducted it. She then tried to pass it off for the reward dog but was turned down, so in defeat she snuck the dog back into it's own yard the next night under cover of darkness.

Alright, there they are.

Let's see what kind of deviant offender you think I was!!

The "Oh, Bloody Hell!!" Offensive

Women are so misunderstood!!

That's right, I am going there, and I'm taking you with me!

I know... men like to get all offended and pretend that they are the victims in their imaginary 'battle of the sexes'.

I also know that they really do believe that they are the ones who are misunderstood, mistreated, and misdiagnosed as complete idiots who can't tie their shoes without a woman's help.

As much as I love men, (and find them useful for things ranging from shoveling snow to killing spiders), they are very mistaken about who is the most understood among us! That's right, I am not afraid to speak the truth about men, regardless if it offends more than a few of those of the penile persuasion!

Ladies, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., be careful! Men read your blog, and some of them could be nutters!!".

Hey, thanks, but don't you worry about me, I'm not completely crazy!! There is only one man who can read this AND knows my address, and he is already scared to death of me, so I'm good!! :)

Now then, I know from years of personal experience how very misunderstood my kind is.

Take for example my relationship with my very scared-into-submission-yet-still-very-misguided husband.

We are always like this, in real life:



I know, aren't we sickeningly cute??!!

Yet, despite our annoying happy-go-lucky appearance, for some unknown reason, for about a week every month, that sweet man of mine who leans to the right, acts like I become a whole different person!!

I don't know why. I'm with you, I don't have any idea what could make him so irrational!!

It really worries me, too. It must be some sort of a mental disorder that only men can get, because every woman I know says their men go through the same thing every month, too!!

I mean, it's sad, really. We women are sooooo lucky to be sooooo consistently mentally stable, unlike all these crazy-for-a-week-every month men we have to live with.

For example, at our house, I honestly see myself like this all of the time, no matter what time of the month:

Yes, I am that cute and easy to get along with all month, every month, without exception.

But, because of this male-pattern delusional disorder brought on by enlarged testosterone glands or something, for some unknown and completely unreasonable reason, every month for about a week, my otherwise very attentive and loving husband sees me like this:

I know!! I feel sorry for me too! Yes, it does suck to have the man you love think of you like that!!

But, as bad as it is for me, I am just glad I don't have a penis, though!! I think that my mother was right, those things compete for brain cells and simultaneously drain the oxygen from a man's brain and causes this delusional break from reality. Poor men!

So, since it really isn't his fault for being born of the penile persuasion, and me being the sweet and loving wife that I am, all month long, I am dedicated to sticking this out with him.

That's right. I took that whole "in sickness and in health and all that stuff" very seriously. The only thing that I would ever leave him for is the poor and not rich thing, but hey, he knew that about me going in to this when he mail-ordered me from Russia!!

I was very up front about my ulterior motivations in my catalogue profile.

So, anyhoo...I always know when his little "episodes" are starting, too.

First, he gets that deer in the headlight look in his eyes, then he starts to act all scared and then, without warning, for reasons only his poor testosterone injected brain cells can rationalize, he goes off and isolates himself twenty feet down, deep inside the labyrinth of the underground bunker that he built for himself and his friends out of reinforced titanium.

I can scream until I am hoarse, and beat on the door day and night until my little knuckles are just raw and bloody... but he still will not listen to reason!! I've tried burning all of his clothes, selling all of his tools, driving his truck off a bridge, but...nothing brings him out!

Even the homemade bombs I've tried will not open that door, curse him and his engineering degree!!

Anyhoo...it wasn't always like this. When we were younger, things were much tamer. During these episodes, he'd just drop me off barefoot at our "special place" and then go off into his delusional, testosterone driven, self pity festival at the local strip bars for a week:

That's where he proposed to me, actually.

But the whole underground bunker thing really only came about after he mistakenly misunderstood my very thoughtful and very innocent birthday gift one year.

I spent hours researching just the perfect gift online and finally bought him this really nice, hand crafted Korean back scratcher.

But, I think he mistook it for some sort of medieval torture/male castration device! It doesn't even remotely resemble one:

I'm not sure how he could think such a thing, or think so badly of me, but it was during "that time of the month", so he really wasn't in his right mind, the poor guy.

Well, and I guess it didn't help that at the time I gave it to him I was finishing up the chapter on Korean torture/male castration devices in my best-selling book:

Yes, I know, you would think after all these years he would know that I am just not the crazy woman (who would turn all men into eunuchs) that he thinks I am during his monthly delusional departure from reality!

Ugh, I know what you are thinking and if he wasn't so handsome and so rich, I'd really consider leaving. The pressure is a lot for me to bear! I can't tell you how many times I've had to turn to Jesus the taco truck driver for all night consolation....

Oh, hey... I apologize, but I better cut this short. I just noticed him heading out to the bunker with his suitcases, and this time he has really went off the deep end because took all of the male animals in our house and barn with him, including our billy goat!!

Poor guy!! I better go after him. Damn, and my knuckles have barely healed from last month's round of insanity!!

But hey, don't you worry about me, I'll be just fine!! This month I bought some brass knuckles and a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook so I think I'm good, but wish me luck just in case, ok?

Thanks!! :)

This post is devising ways to humanely castrate all of those of the penile persuasion to get them out of their testosterone induced misery over at:

The "Slicksumbich" Offensive

God, I love bloggers who know how to do it right!!

I just have to share with you that I have never been more offended in all my blogging days than I was a couple of days ago!! That's right, and I am still smiling about it today. I will cherish the moment for the rest of my life!!

Well, for at least a week, week and a half.

OK, probably only until I finish typing this post and then I'll forget all about it and move on to something else since I am incredibly ADD.

But still!

Honestly though, it really was fecking brilliant. It was a completely unexpected offense and the funny gobshite bastard who did it probably has no idea how much has offended my happy arse.

(No, I am not Irish, I just love their dirty words! I can't help it, I love fecking, and arse and gobshite, don't you? Those Irish have the best curse words ever! Hooyah. Only the Brits run a close second in my book)

I'm sorry! Where the feck was I??

Oh yes, the offense!

It was brilliant. Bloody, fecking brilliant.

I actually can't even remember how I found this guy's blog, to be honest. I think I was googling myself and he popped up and I saw where he had offended in his header so of course my curiosity was piqued.!! Yours would be too, if you were The Offended Blogger like I am.

Oh, wait...heh, that sounds a little dirty, huh. Me googling myself and him offending in his header.

Please, allow me to rephrase that....

Anyhoo...so I like to run google searches on the words "offended blogger" every day or so, to see where I rank in the scheme of things (btw, I am all of page one, most of page two and half of page three ~ hooyah!) and I think this guy's blog was in there somewhere because in his header it says something like "Offended? Good."

I mean, right there, before I ever went further, I knew we had a special connection, you know?!

He totally had me at the first post, too. Not only is he funny and has a nice layout, but he looks just like my favorite older brother to boot.

Ugh, too bad he is MIA though!! Why is it that my timing is always like this?? Kind of like Brent's friend Spooky, another missed and missing blogger, this guy seems to have just bailed on his blog.

He obviously has a lot of fans who are really missing his offensive self, too, judging by the comments left at his last post! They practically hold candlelight vigils over at his blog, it is very touching.

Anyhoo...I wasn't really offended by his material, just thoroughly entertained and enlightened. And after about ten minutes at his place, I realized why he is so missed!! I was literally crying both tears of laughter at his humor and tears of sadness over his absence! It was very odd, I went through twelve boxes of Kleenex in that ten, life changing minutes.

I may never be the same, really. Good blogs just seem to do that to me.

So, I went to leave him a comment to let him know how much I admired him and that I, too, was going to join in on the candlelight vigils because I wanted him to come back and... BAM!

That's when it happened!

I was so completely offended as I went to send him a comment, and it was so unexpected and totally delightful that I knew I had to dedicate an entire post to him over at my place.

At first, I thought it was just a totally random yet extremely humorous glitch.

I had already hammered out what I wanted to say, filled in the required user name, email and URL boxes, and it was then that I noticed that his little word verification thingy wanted me to type in a VERY NAUGHTY WORD!!

Heh, my heart leapt, of course!

Thinking it was just one of those funny coincidences, I hit the refresh button, secretely hoping that it wasn't a coincidence, and again...up popped another equally naughty word!

I couldn't believe my eyes!

So of course, I did it again, and again and again again again. I must have seen every dirty English word or phrase out there!! Well, at least half a dozen really good ones.

How the hell did he do it??

I don't even care, I just know that he really is a slicksumbich, just like his blog says. I literally peed myself before it was over. (Well, ok, not really, but I could have if I wanted to. I have excellent control down there thanks to all of those kegel exercises my husband insists that I do!).

So, of course I took a screen shot of the last one before I finally submitted my comment, for your enjoyment and for my own reminiscing, and so we can all laugh over my wonderfully offensive blogging moment:

You can play with it too, over at http://www.slicksumbich.com/ and while you are there, grab a candle, leave a comment for him and maybe together we can bring this funny slicksumbich back out of hiding.

The blogging world really needs offensive people like him, and we just can't let him go without a fight!!

I am still smiling, thanks to that gobshite bastard....

This post is pining for the slicksumbich to come back over at:

***UPDATE***

Heh, I am fecking amazing. Slick has come out of hiding! As soon as I posted this, I found where he'd left a comment on my Kanga & Roo post! Hooyah, go me. Ok, it probably wasn't me, but at least let me think it is, you gobshite bastards!

Feck.

Now, to celebrate my incredible talent for pulling bloggers from hiatus, you can go play with his comment verification thingy and have some fun offending yourself!!

The "Tastes Like Chicken!" Offensive

I myself prefer using a Bowtech compound bow with a 100 grain Montec broadhead at about 30 or 40 yards, but hey, that's just me!

....Kangaroo cull methods offend animal lovers. Australian animal protection groups questioned on Monday a new government guide for the humane killing of kangaroos that recommends "forcefully swinging" the heads of young animals against a vehicle tow bar.

A proposed code of conduct for shooting young kangaroos, called joeys, and smaller wallabies released by the Department of Environment also recommended a single close-range shotgun blast.

This post is slowly marinading in a sweet onion sauce over at humor-blogs.com

---> Read More <---

The "Don't Do Incense!" Offensive

So the other day I was watching the Ghost Whisperer and started to really feel offended that I have never had a ghost, or a poltergeist, or a demon from the bowls of hell ever come and visit me. Not one. Ever!!

Ok, so I know I am not as cute as the girl on the show, but I am not exactly someone you would stick a bag over my head to take out on a date, either. (Welllll, maybe a see-through one, but still!).

I mean, seriously though, what the hell is wrong with me that nobody from beyond the grave ever comes to grope me in my sleep or throw my dishes at me or drop electrical appliances in my bathtub while I'm in it??!!

Talk about a blow to my self esteem! Ugh, I hate that show now.

Well, anyway, you know me. I do not take these things lying down (heh, well ok, I take some things lying down but we won’t go there right now... ;). I decided I just had to do something about it so of course, I went shopping for a Ouija board. I just needed to let the other side know I was available, right??

Right!!

Well, lucky me, I found this handy little Chinese version on sale down at the local Walmart:

Yes, I know! I thought it was so cool, too!! (No, you can't borrow it!).

I just knew it was my ticket to getting the recognition and possible groping I so rightfully deserve from the other side. And I didn’t waste any time, either. As I left the parking lot, I steered with my knee and had my kid watch the road so I could start texting every single dead celebrity and relative I could think of!!

Yet despite all of my efforts, it was all in vain, of course. I never got even a single reply, even after I developed caraptunnel in both arms and tried toe-texting. I guess they don't have these new Ouija boards on the other side yet, but I'm sure the technology will catch up soon, it has to, right?!

So anyhoo...I decided instead of trying to get them to come to me, I’d just have to go to them!!

The next day, I gave the ouijaberry to my kids and I took a job as a stripper at the local truck stop. I'm pretty good, so after a week I'd saved enough to buy this spooky old abandoned house that was supposedly haunted:



Scary, huh? I know, shiver!!

The next time I was at Walmart, I bought a waterproof ghost-capturing camera so I could snap some pictures of those ghostly orb thingys I keep hearing about.

I couldn’t believe how well it worked!!

I thought the ghosts and demons must love rainy nights, because that first time I tried it look at how many came out to see me!!!

Of course, I rushed this picture down to my local paranormal investigation union hall as soon as I could. I was sure they'd confirm that I had numerous disembodied entities surrounding my new place!!

What a disappointment, though. I guess they have a special machine that tells you who's in the orb, but instead of someone cool like a long dead serial killer or angry civil war mistress, they all showed this same ugly face:




I know! Talk about a let down!!

I mean, how can I be haunted by the guy from the Beatles? He’s not even dead!! Ugh. What a total rip-off. So, I took that camera back and bought a ghost catcher/leaf blower instead, just in case a real ghost showed up! Hey, I've seen Ghostbusters twelve times, I know how it's done!

Anyhoo…so my self esteem was lower than ever after the orbs turned out to be false alarms, but, again, you know me! I do not give up that easily!!

I decided to try one last thing.

Along with a burrito, I bought some really sticky “incense” from Jesus my taco truck guy, and he also sold me some black candles, a chicken and a hooded robe, (although I am not quite sure what I needed those for). Then I got together all the weirdest people I know and we held a séance at my place.

It only took us about 12 times of passing the water-filled ‘incense burner’ that Jesus loaned me before we conjured up our first ghost, too! Heh, it was an amazingly spiritual experience, to say the least!!

Unfortunately, though, by the time he showed up, we were all feeling kinda silly (and hungry, boy was I glad I bought that chicken!) and for some unknown reason everything made us laugh our asses off, so when we saw who it was we couldn’t help but roll on the floor and pee ourselves while we made fun of him:




I mean, we were just having some fun, how was I to know he'd get so offended ?!

Well, I regret it now because he became so pissed that he's refused to leave and now he tries to scare me, constantly popping in and out of the other side, or follows me around trying to make me apologize!!

Of course, I just break out laughing when he shows himself, so it only makes things worse. Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad, but I can’t take back what I said!! I mean, heh, just look at him, I meant every word of it!!

Soooo, I guess I’m stuck with being haunted by a pudgy guy from the 70’s in an ill-fitting, candy apple red disco suit. It's better than nothing, I guess??

To make it worse, he thinks he is an halfway decent Elvis impersonator! Ha!! He can't fool me, I am a huge Elvis fan. That's right. In fact, I have these on every wall in my house:

You think they'd scare off third-rate demons who impersonate the King, but apparently not. Unfortunately, the only thing they've proven good for is warding off Jehovah's Witnesses when they come over uninvited.

Just the other day, while I was waiting for the Catholic priest I ordered from the Yellow Pages, I used one to scare off some Jehovah's Witnesses who came over unannounced, as a matter of fact.

They kept ringing the bell over and over and over, so it's kinda their fault, really!! Hey, don't judge me, you know they are annoying, too!

Anyhoo... I really didn't mean to throw it so hard, and I do hope the one guy recovers, I mean, who knew that my little Elvis crucifix would penetrate the door and do so much damage to him??

Funny, that priest I ordered never did show up, so I guess I must be on some sort of traveling church people black list now!! I didn't know the Jehovah's Witnesses even talked to the Catholics!!

Anyhoo…I guess I’ll just learn to live with being haunted by this completely talentless and fashion challenged moron.

As disappointed as I am that it wasn’t Kurt Cobain or James Dean or Jimmy Hoffa, I guess he’ll do. I mean, at least some undead bastard cared enough to show up, right??

Then again... why should I settle?

Maybe I could do better!!

In fact, this show on the Discovery channel last night about crop circles and alien hybrids has really gotten me thinking... why is it that I’m not good enough to be abducted and impregnated by aliens? I am good enough to attract third-rate demons who think they are Elvis, so why not?

I wonder if Walmart carries supplies to help attract their attention....

:p

This post is burning some sticky incense and trying to summon a higher quality of undead over at humor-blogs.com

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!!

So, tell me, what offenses are you planning on carrying out this weekend??

Me? Well, this weekend I am starting a new tradition for my Weekender Offender posts, where I announce my "Offender of the Week" awards.

That's right! I know, I am excited too!!

So, in order to win, you have to knowingly or unknowingly offend me in just the right way (and let me tell you, that is NOT an easy task!!).

If you are offensive enough to succeed, not only do you win the right to brag that you offended the Offended Blogger, but you also are welcome to snag one of my cute little pin-up girlie awards from my sidebar over ---->

Yep, slap it on your blog, or tattoo it to your ass, or do whatever offensive thing you'd like with it!! (Then make sure to tell me what offensive thing you did with it, and you might win the Offender of the Week award again next weekend!)

Anyhoo...my very first "Offender of the Week" awards go out to....drumroll.....

Unfettered, The Loquacious Curmudgeon himself and Claire, the only girl I know with an adorable dancing willy. (and a shiny new golden cock! Whoo-hoo Claire!!)

They both succeeded in offending me in oh-so-many ways this week, all of them good, and all of them left a smile on my face.

Well, except that one, but I heal quickly and the pain killers the doc gave me really left a smile on my face so that totally made up for it!!

So, get off yer arse and go visit their blogs, and tell them how jealous you are that they won!!

Oh, and, hey, why not try a little harder yourself to offend me this coming week, and maybe you'll be my next Offender of the Week and everyone will be jealous of YOU!!

This Weekender Offender is hanging out with Claire's dancing willy and Uncle Loquacious's spaceship lockeroom drawings over at humor-blogs.com

The "Islamic Jihad Against Soap Operas" Offensive

Well, now that's two things I have in common with the Taliban. I friggin' hate soap operas too!!

With suicide bombers in the capital, spiralling opium production and half the country prey to Taleban guerrillas, Afghanistan's spiritual guardians have discovered a dangerous new peril: Indian soap operas.

In an echo of the strict religious laws of the Taleban era, the Islamic Council of Scholars won the backing this week of a powerful government minister in its campaign to get dozens of wildly popular Bombay dramas off Afghanistan's television screens.

The Minister of Information and Culture has written to television executives to threaten prosecution if they show footage that offends morality. He is particularly concerned about Indian soaps.

---> Read More <---

This post is currently contemplating smoking some opium and then blowing itself up in a crowded Afghani marketplace over at humor-blogs.com

The "I Like Mike" Offensive

No, not Huckabee, Holmes! Mike Holmes!!

Don't give me that blank stare, you know...he is that hunky guy in the overalls from the Discovery Home show, "Holmes on Homes":

What do you mean, you still don't know which show?? You know..the one where he comes in and fixes all the damage left behind by shady, inept, no-permits-needed building contractors?

Oh please! Don't act like you have no idea who he is! I mean, heh, no offense, but when you aren't blogging or surfing the internet for porn you do watch educational type programming once in a while, right?

(God, I'd hate to think of you as the type who Tivo's mindnumbing crap like South Park or My Name is Earl or Fox News!! Wait, I Tivo Earl. I just love that guy, him and Darnell are my favorites! Oh, and Darnell and his turtle, Mr. Turtle, gosh he cracks me up).

Anyhoo...now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Mike Holmes!

Ah, I soooo love Mike Holmes. He has the best show on TV and he also wrote this book:

Yep, that's him in all his handsome Canadian glory. He is the object of my appreciation. I own 27 copies of that book and have three sets of all his shows on DVD, one for every TV in my house.

My husband wasn't too thrilled, but I even remodelled our bedroom to show what a huge fan I am of him and his 'making it right' overall wearing self:

(Well, heh, that was our bedroom, before things started to go wrong...)

It's really quite a sad story! I had no idea that it would go so terribly wrong when I sent him my first letter, trying to get on his show:



It's true! I do have a full body tattoo of him! I'll email a picture of it to you if you don't believe me!! (btw, the guys from Miami Ink did it for me).

As far as the other part...well, I admit it, it wasn't exactly true...I never had any bad contractors over to my place. I was just hoping he'd come to my house so I could see him in his overalls in person!! So, ok. I kinda lied a bit, the damage to my house wasn't exactly done by shady contractors, it was done by...me.

Please don't tell him I told you though?

I was naive, I admit it, but how was I to know that he'd figure out that I was the one who kicked this hole in my wall??

Oh, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle, he is Mr. Holmes on Homes Mike Holmes, the friggin handyman of all handymen! Of course he'd know!!".

Hey, you don't have to lecture me, I know now that I wasn't thinking straight at that time. I mean, I'd been up for three straight days eating Ritalin and drinking Rock Star, watching a marathon of Holmes on Homes when I hatched this plot so my brain was a little fried.

Of course I know now that he'd see through my little scheme and probably think it was, ya know, cute.

Anyhoo...I don't know why it surprised me when I didn't hear back from him after I sent the first hundred copies of my letter and picture that first day.

But, hey, you know me, I don't give up that easily!!

That's right, I figured out pretty quickly that it would take more than a little ole hole in the wall to grab his attention and get me noticed, so I added a few more holes to it and a few more walls, and then kinda let the bathtub overflow for just a few days.

Well, it ran for not more than a week and a half.

OK, it may have been both bathtubs, three sinks and all the hoses, but was definitely no longer than two or three weeks. OK, to be honest, it's all a blur now, really.

But the results were amazing! I rushed the new pics to him right away:

I know! Pretty good, huh?

I thought these ones would for sure get me on his show!! I mean, look at that damage, doesn't it look like someone who doesn't get permits and bullshits his way into your pocketbook did it?!

Heh, well... apparently not! Even after that I still didn't hear back from Mr. Holmes or any one on his staff, for that matter! I waited a whole week too, and then I knew I had to put some more effort into it.

So, after keeping the kids up for three days on Ritalin and Rock Star to help me send copies of my updated sob story with pictures about five or six hundred more times, I decided I'd give him one more chance before I went ahead to plan B!!

Yep, it's always good to have a backup plan.

Of course, when I didn't hear anything over the next couple of days after mailing those out, I snuck out, leaving a note for my family saying I had a sick aunt in Cleveland to take care of and I drove straight up to Canada without even stopping to pee.

(By the way, those adult diapers are amazingly absorbent!)

I was hoping to hook up with him at a book signing he had scheduled in Quebec. I even brought my 27 copies of his book, including the one that I'd modified a little just to give him the hint that I was serious:

But, of course, with my luck being as it is lately, his book signing was cancelled at the last minute and after spending two weeks staying in hotels and driving all over Canada, and then maxing out the rest of my credit cards on a no-good private investigator with a funny accent who was trying to track down his private address and phone number for me, I came home in utter defeat.

I know, it was awful!! After all the work I'd put into it!!

Thank god I had the life-sized Mike Holmes doll I knitted before I left to keep me company on that long drive back to Idaho!! Yep, he kept me sane and we did a lot of talking on that trip back. I really felt like we connected, you know? He helped me come to the realization that a few holes in the wall and some water stains on the siding was just not enough to grab his attention! He was so above those petty little things!

No, what I needed was something extraordinarily attention-grabbing...more than pictures of my full body tattoo even. Something that would cry out to him, "holy smokes, this girl needs help!!".

Sooo.. as soon as I got back to Idaho, I took a second job at a local taco truck and instead of paying off the credit card bills (collectors agencies) with all the extra money I earned, I rented some necessary equipment to do it right.

I felt I did it quite right, don't you??

Yes, I knew you'd agree!

Now if that, my friend, didn't get his friggin attention then nothing would, right?!! As soon as the letters went out, I was sooo excited, just knowing I'd be hearing from him as soon as he got a look at that bad contractor remodel job!!!

Yet, as excited as I was waiting to hear from him, for some reason my neighbor wasn't very excited at all. I'm not sure what the hell his problem was...I guess he's just not a big Mike Holmes fan, but it's not like I destroyed his house or anything!!

He sat on his back porch like this for three days, making whimpering noises:

Now, between you and me, I'm not sure, but I don't think he's from around here so he probably doesn't understand how these reality shows work or how important they are to a lot of us.

He'll figure it out though. In fact, I bet we see him trying out for American Idol next year!

Anyhoo...imagine my surprise when just a few days later, instead of getting a letter saying that my mister 'Mike the handsome piece of Canadian bacon handyman Holmes' was immediately flying down to meet me in person to go over the details of my upcoming remodel, I get this delivered to me by some not as handsome, non overall wearing, donut munching, police officer impersonating delivery boy!!

Yes! It is a copy of a restraining order!! Against me, nonetheless... his #1 fan!!!

Can you imagine??

So... of course I knew it had to be a mistake so I ran inside, threw on a Depends, grabbed some rope, duct tape and a pellet gun that looks like the real thing, jumped right into my car, waved at my turban wearing neighbor on my way out and headed back up to Canada!

This time, though, I had to... ya know... make a few necessary stops along the way to help pay for the trip, and I am not proud of the things I did to finance the expedition, but let's just say that no one was harmed and I will pay back both banks and the twelve convenience stores as soon as I can.

Of course...it might be a little while before I am able to do that...I'm kinda still waiting to be extradited from Canada, actually.

Luckily they have internet access in the prison library so I can post my story here for you!!

I know, I'd always heard Canadians were nicer than us Americans, too. I guess that was just propaganda from the era during the war in Vietnam or something.

Anyhoo...it wasn't all a waste, at least I did get a few minutes with the object of my obsession, er I mean appreciation. Before he called the mounties on me, (who by the way do NOT ride horses!) I caught up with Mike 'Make it Right' Holmes at a book signing in Winnipeg. I snapped this one picture as they drug me out of the store:

He acted a little confused when I reminded him who I was and begged him to sign my book and look at my tattoo, and before I could clear up the little misunderstanding and show him my letter and pictures, he had his bodyguards hold me outside until the authorities showed up! Yep, and so, here I am....

It's too bad, I never got the chance to show him the newest photos of the last remodelling work I did right before I left Idaho. It was my best yet, too!!

If only he'd seen them, I just know he'd have put me on the show for sure!!

How could he have passed this up??

I know my neighbors were kinda counting on my talking him into coming back with me, too, since they were involved by this point, so I really gotta get out of here and catch up with Mike Holmes again as soon as I can!! Hey, if you know anyone at the American embassy, could you give them my name and let them know what's going on?

Thanks a lot!!

Chelle B.

:p

This post is patiently sitting in a Canadian prison cell awaiting extradition or for Mike Holmes to come and "Make it Right" over at humor-blogs.com

The "Japanese Naked Dog Pile" Offensive

I do NOT even want to know why that guy has this expression on his face!!
(OK, maybe I'm a little curious!)

....Times are changing for a millennium-old festival in provincial Japan that features naked men, with a top railway operator saying advertisements for the event were too racy.

The northern city of Oshu each February draws thousands of tourists with its Somin Festival, in which naked men pile upon one another and frolic about late into the night to pray for good luck.

The city has printed posters for the festival for decades but East Japan Railway, better known as JR East, refused to put up the advertisement at train stations this year for the first time.

The poster for this year's festival on February 13 has a bearded middle-aged man with thick chest hair who appears to be howling. Other men, wearing only loincloths, cluster in the background.

JR East's branch in Morioka, which covers the region including Oshu, said displaying the poster could constitute sexual harassment.

"Train stations are used by a wide range of people and it is highly possible that some passengers may be offended by the poster design," said branch spokesman Kaichi Yamasaki.

---> Read More <---

This post is hidden somewhere under a pile of naked Japanese men over at humor-blogs.com

(Pssst...hey, don't be afraid to comment, I'm really not easily offended! Oh, and come see my newest blog The Offended American!! ;)

The "Overboard Offender" Offensive

If I were the captain, that's how I'd have done it! ;)

A SECOND Australian sex offender has been thrown off a P&O cruise ship in as many weeks, as police also investigate claims of drink spiking on a third company ship.

Six months after claiming passenger safety was paramount as a raft of changes were made in the wake of the Dianne Brimble inquest, the company is again facing questions about security on its ships.

In the past two weeks, two pedophiles have been "disembarked", a woman alleged she was raped on board by an Australian male and NSW police are investigating claims of drink spiking.

Sydney water police are investigating the alleged drink spiking on the P&O Pacific Dawn, which docked in Sydney yesterday after a 12-night Pacific Cruise. Police, who were alerted by P&O of the claims on January 2, boarded the ship yesterday.

A spokeswoman said it was believed the incident happened between 1am and 3am but she was unable to provide further details about where on the ship.

---> Read More <---

This post has been thrown overboard somewhere over at humor-blogs.com

(Pssst...hey, don't be afraid to comment, I'm really not easily offended! Oh, and come see my newest blog The Offended American!! ;)

The "Christ, You're a Perv!" Offensive

(I mean the artist, not Jesus, of course!)

A GALLERY has offended Christians and visitors alike by displaying a statue showing Christ with an erection.

The sculpture, by the gay Chinese-born artist Terence Koh, is being exhibited by the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art in Gateshead.

The exhibition, entitled Gone, Yet Still, features 74 different plaster models of people or objects which Koh, 30, claims have been important in his life. As well as the 18in statue of Christ, there are models of Mickey Mouse and ET, dipped into plaster. They also have erect penises attached.

“For Christians the image of Jesus is very special and to interpret it in a sexualised way is an affront to what we hold dear,” said the Rev Christopher Warren of St Mary’s Catholic cathedral, Newcastle upon Tyne. “While Jesus was a human being in every way, to portray him this way will offend.”

The Baltic says it has no plans to remove the offending work. “Koh is trying to explain all the things which have meant something to him,” said a gallery spokesman. “It is a sort of mausoleum.”

The artist’s works can sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars in America where he now lives. In 2006, two other controversial works by Koh were withdrawn shortly before USA Today, an exhibition curated by Charles Saatchi, the advertising tycoon, at the Royal Academy.

One showed a Virgin Mary fitted with a phallus at a urinal while another comprised a drum kit spattered with the artist’s semen and blood.

---> Read More <---

This masterpiece is on exhibit over at humor-blogs.com

(Pssst...hey, don't be afraid to comment, I'm really not easily offended! Oh, and come see my newest blog The Offended American!! ;)

The "It's a Birthmark, Dammit!!" Offensive

A Harry mole by any other name...

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe my way too easily offended husband is sleeping on the couch and refuses to speak to me, all because I exhibited my genuine concern over the disturbing changes happening to the melanocytic naevus on his left ass cheek!

(For those of you who don't read medical encyclopedia's for fun, as I do, that's the scientific name for a big fat hairy mole!).

OK, I know what you are thinking, what a big baby he is! Hey, you don't have to tell me, I live with him!!

Why are men always like this:

WHY?????????

Ugh.

Why wasn't I born a lesbian is a better question!!

Anyhoo....back to the marital strife. I mean, it's not like I was rude or anything. In fact, it was during one of our many all night naked tantric massages that I noticed the problem and brought it to his attention, in my sweet and gentile manner I might add!

You think he'd appreciate my genuine concern, (heh, you'd think he'd appreciate the all night tantric massages too!).

No, instead, he is completely in denial and refuses to speak to me now. The last words we said weren't pleasant either, and I pray that they aren't the last words we ever speak to each other!

Here's how our conversation went, as I can best recall:

Me (expertly massaging his left cheek) ~ "Um, sweetie, you might want to make an appointment to have this checked."

Him ~ "Have what checked hon??"

Me ~ "You know, sweetie... that big fat hairy monstrosity that lives on your left cheek here. The one I sometimes call my Weird Uncle Harry."

Him ~ "You mean my hairless birthmark?"

Me (laughing)~ "Um, sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you, it's not a birthmark or a beauty mark. It's a melanocytic naevus that sports a goatee and you really should have it checked. It doesn't look or feel right. I'm worried."

Him ~ "What the hell did you just call it? Why can't you just friggin speak English like my teenage mistress??"

Me (digging my nails in now) ~ "Your teenage mistress only knows four English words, remember, she's an illegal we imported from Guatemala you asshole? And why don't you think past a 6th grade level?? Don't you ever read anything besides Penthouse and comic books?!? God, why the hell did I marry you anyway???! I'm calling my mother!!!"

Yes, I know, awful, huh??!

So, you tell me, how am I supposed to reason with a man who doesn't even know the scientific names of his various bodily anomalies???

My Mother was right. I knew I should have aimed higher when I married him. Ugh.

Anyhoo...I finished the 8th grade, so I know what a birthmark is and I know what a melanocytic naevus is. They are two totally different things!!

A typical birthmark looks something like this:

Flat, unassuming, no distinct features (like hair or teeth). Can be easily hidden with make-up.

His so called birthmark is raised, has a distinct shape, is impossible to camouflage and has more hair on it than what he has left on the top of his head!

Heh, I jokingly call it my Weird Uncle Harry but in reality, it used to look like a young Colonel Sanders:

See what I mean? Hardly the same as a birthmark and far, far, far from being a BEAUTY mark!!

I will admit it, I am a bit vain, so I can understand his not wanting to accept that something so utterly hideous lives on his left ass cheek, but hey, we all have our little flaws, right??

I am also not ashamed to admit that I have a cute little (REAL) beauty mark on my own ass, and I've seen some unique birthmarks in my day, too. However, none of them were ANYTHING like that Colonel Chicken wannabe up there that is attached to him like some bizarre, mutated siamese twin that you'd expect to see on a medical freak show!!

I mean, let's be real here. We all know the difference, who can forget Gorbachev and his famous birthmark:





Or what about this little cutie pie and his uniquely adorable birthmark:



And here's a picture of my own distinct beauty mark, (I had the You Are Here tattoo added, just for fun!):



Now those, my friend, are beauty/birthmarks!

What he has is nowhere near as attractive or harmless, or hairless, or nameless for that matter.

OK, so even if by some remote chance it ever qualified as a birthmark, it would be something more of a horror film rendition of one:



The serial killing birthmark from my husband's left cheek.

Shiver!!

Which brings me back to my point. If he wants to be in denial that it's not a birthmark, fine, but with a melanocytic naevus you can never be too careful!

Any slight changes in size, or texture, or quality can be a sign of something very bad and you should see a doctor immediately, we all know this, right???

Right.

And let me tell you, the alarming changes that I noticed in his *ahem* 'birthmark' sent chills down my spine!! He'd be featured on the front page of every friggin Medical Journal out there if he'd just take both ass cheeks down to the doctor and stop being such a baby.

(Don't tell him, but I snapped a picture of his mutated hairy mole when he was getting in the shower this morning):




Frightening, I know!!

I do apologize, I know no one wants to look at that, but I did it just in case things turn out the way I think they will...I sent a copy to my lawyer and put one in the scrapbook mostly so the kids would know that I really didn't poison daddy or suffocate him with a pillow like I'm always joking about behind his back.

Sooo... if he wants to be in denial, I guess I'll just have to call the insurance guy and have him triple the already enormous life insurance policies I've taken out over the years on my soon to be 6 feet under hubby!! There's really nothing I can do at this point...well, heh, except load the travel agent's number into my speed dial. Maybe start looking at real estate...

Oh, I know what you're thinking! "Chelle B., you are taking this way too well. I'm worried about you!!".

Gosh, thanks!! You are so sweet, but please, don't worry about me!! I'll be more than fine, in fact, between you and me, I've always kinda planned to be a young widow anyway!! It's exciting, really.

Still, because you care so much, I care about you too, and just so you don't leave feeling queasy from worrying about me, I'll throw in another picture of this adorable little guy to offset the gory shot of my husband's (probably fatal) hairy, or rather Harry mole:




Say it with me ~ AWWWWWWW!!!!!

Is that not the cutest thing ever??

(Hmmm....I wonder if the people who own this little guy would sell him to me, after all it won't be long and I'll be rolling in the dough!!! Hooyah!!)

:p

Chelle B.

(Pssst...hey, don't be afraid to comment, I'm really not easily offended! Oh, and come see my newest blog The Offended American!! ;)

The Weekender Offender

Hello fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!

For this Weekender Offender, I am taking the time to thank my friends and fellow bloggers over at Blog Catalog for taking the time to answer a quick, unscientific poll about who offends them the most.

I enjoyed all of their wonderful suggestions and as promised, I am dedicating an entire post to the BC'ers and their nominees. Please click on their links and visit their incredibly wonderful blogs!!

The participants were:

Unfettered: http://www.myselfunfettered.net/blog
http://www.loquaciouscurmudgeon.net

Mikster : http://realitybanned.blogspot.com

Crpitt: http://crpitt.blogspot.com/

Dpivans1: http://cravesfavsandraves.blogspot.com
http://cravesfavsandravesentertainment.blogspot.com
http://cravesfavsandravesgifts.blogspot.com
http://cravesfavsandraveshumor.blogspot.com
http://cravesfavsandravespolitical.blogspot.com
http://cravesfavsandravestravel.blogspot.com

Jungl: http://knitting.thomaslaupstad.com/
http://blog.thomaslaupstad.com

Stephaiec: http://mytwentysomethingcents.blogspot.com/

stevewilson: http://electioncenter2008.blogspot.com
http://newsnetdaily.blogspot.com
http://www.stevenwilsonmarketing.blogspot.com

I decided to start with Mikster's entry, Bob the Viagra guy. Now I'm not so sure he didn't mean Bob Dole, but I had to go with THE Bob from those frigging annoying commercials. If I hadn't spent a small fortune on my 60" flat panel, it would have been toast a long time ago thanks to this asshole:


If you don't agree that Bob is the most offensive of this bunch then you seriously have issues...probably ones that require you to use Viagra yourself. Sad.

Anyhoo, moving on. Unfettered, who is apparently offended by 9 out of 10 people on the planet, suggested I add Stalin to my list of people who offend. He is an obvious choice, right? I can totally agree, I mean he was responsible for more souls being slaughtered than Hitler or even George Bush, so he comes in at number 2.




Moving on quickly before we start to think communism is anything less than evil, Crpitt, who has lovely red hair, a cute kid and a great accent, nominated these nasty sluts:



Her and I share a loathing of them, and I feel the same way when she says they "make me sick in my mouth".

Excuse me while I go gargle with some Listerine.

Fourth on the list, (according to the order of how much these people offend me that is!!), is another of Unfettered's nominees, Mr. Fred Phelps:

Now, I am a Christian so I know it is not my place to say this, but I'm saying it anyway and will ask forgiveness later.... THIS MAN IS GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY!!!!

OK, well he's probably not since I don't believe in eternal hellfire, BUT...if I did and if any human being deserved it most, he would be right up there toward the top of the list with Stalin and the Spice Girls.

He reminds me of that creepy bastard from the Poltergeist movies, the one with the big teeth.

I think he is a closet homosexual too, which is why he hates them so.

Alrighty! Moving on...

Our next offender was actually in the running not long ago to be my very own Jewish Master! I turned him down though because he is a little too liberal for my tastes, and I'm not crazy about the whole look there.

He reminds me of the super genius geek I sat next to in math in 7th grade who always wiped his nose on the back of his hand and then licked it when he thought noone was looking. He's also the one who never let me cheat off of him.

I mean, I could have forgiven the obnoxious snot licking, but he knew how stupid I was at math and how dare he not allow me to peek at his A+ quality goods so I could move up a grade?! It really pisses me off thinking back on it now. Back then, I wore see-through shirts with no bra and mini-skirts with no panties most of the time, so he saw plenty of MY A+ quality goods...the scrawny little bastard.

Oh well, he's probably still an ugly snot licker and I still look good in my see-through shirts and mini skirt and I married rich so who needed math....yep, to hell with him anyway...

Sorry, where was I again? Oh yeah, the list!

My would be Jewish Master and offender of my friend dpivans1:




Now Unfettered suggested (well who didn't he suggest, really) Karl Marx, and after some research I realized he wasn't Groucho's brother, although they may have been distant cousins, but was actually one of the main founders of modern day COMMUNISM!

*gasp*

OK, I already knew this, I also knew that he wrote the all-time best seller "The Communist Manifesto". Yep, it's over there on my bookshelf along with the Anarchist's Cookbook!

He would have ranked higher on my list, but in his younger years he bore a striking resemblance to Anthony Hopkins, one of my all time favorite actors. This saved him from being sandwiched higher up there between Stalin and the Spice Girls.

He may have enjoyed that scenario in real life, I don't know...but here he is in all his hairy communist glory:



Now here is a 'great American' who offends the hell out of dpivans1 and most everyone else I know of, including me.

I admit freely that I lean to the right, but he preaches that Republican propaganda wayyyyyy too much for my taste, and although Alan Colmes' left eyebrow actually offends me a little more than Sean Hannity's entire personality does, he is next on my list:




Dpivans1 and I also agree that this non-comedianne makes us both "sick to our stomachs" and everything about her is offensive.



Now stevenwilson nominated Dick Cheney and after some research I found out that he is our Vice President! Did you know that?! I'm kidding...of course we are all well aware of who this guy is, and as a proud hunter and gun owner I have to say above all else, his reckless misuse of a gun offends me more than anything!!




Mikster (who is hilarious by the way) suggested this guy, you may remember him from the Subway commercials:



Yep, that's Jared. As with the next two people on the list, Jared doesn't so much offend me as he does annoy me.

I've never really believed his story. I think he secretly had his stomach stapled, but we'll probably never know! Just that fact places him above these next two famous faces:

I know this anorexic bimbo that stephaniec nominated annoys and offends just about anyone who has made it this far in my list:


I don't really care so much one way or another for what comes out of her mouth, it's hard to even hear what she has to say sometimes because I can't get past the expressions on her face or the fact that she looks about two crackers away from death.

I think she offended my Jewish friends not long ago, too, so I don't think I'd consider her a person that I would share My Jewish Master with (as if I ever would share him! No one is worthy of that!!) So she deserves to be here on my list.

And of course, next in line is another of stephaniec's offenders and Ann's good pal....Mr. No Spin himself:



I mean, just look at that picture! Need I say more? His face speaks for itself.

Jungl, that guy from Norway who takes good pictures and knits the hell out of a pair of socks, nominated this guy:


For those of you who have never had the pleasure of laughing along with Bill Hicks, well you are pretty sad and pathetic, aren't ya?! I'm kidding, of course, but really, you should look up some of his stuff because he is hilariously offensive. As Jungl put it, he offends "in a good way". :)

Crpitt (remember her, she's the one with the lovely hair, cute kid and great accent?) nominated these two dorks, who I'd never had the misfortune to hear about until now:



I really have no comment on the Chuckle Brothers except to say, holy shit I am glad they aren't on here in America!! That picture offends 4 out of 5 of my senses.

Unfettered finds Evita Peron offensive, I'm not sure why, I can only speculate that he has a valid reason because of either very personal cultural reasons or that movie that Maddona starred in about her somehow rubbed him the wrong way...I really don't know much about her so since I am not a fan of Madonna movies, so she is low on my list of people who offend me:



And last, but not least, again, thanks to Unfettered, is the man who brought us Scientology!


He should be way higher on my list, I know, but I think he was mentally ill so I felt sorry for him.

I don't think he really intended to be such a huge cult leader, or to infect the minds of so many of our fellow citizens or beloved celebrities with his cultish teachings. Or maybe he did and he's just a bastard, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt....


OK, I know....it's not really L. Ron Hubbard....it's Carl Sagan! But you have to admit, they are very similar!!

I mean, have you been to a Star Trek convention??? Me either, because I am not a complete dork, but I see those weird people on the news and I hold that guy ultimately responsible. He is also the reason that William Shatner is such an annoying prick.

He really should be on this list, too. Oh how I hate William Shatner!!

Anyhoo...these are going in the scrapbook slideshow soon, along with a few others (like Alan Colmes' eyebrow and William Shatner).

On a side note, I'm re-doing my entire theme here soon at The Offended Blogger, as well as re-launching my other blog, "The Offended American".

I'm sexing them both up, because according to all those rich blogging experts out there, SEX SELLS!! So bring your checkbooks next time! Oh, wait, I blog for fun haha...nevermind!

I'm still sexing them up though, just for the hell of it.

:p

Chelle B.

The "Cross of St. Barcelona" Offensive

Bend over, here it comes again soccer boys, some more Muslims might be offended....

....According to the Catalan newspaper La Vanguardia, the Spanish football club Barcelona is altering its famous badge in some Arab countries in order to avoid offending Muslims.

The badge is especially altered in Saudi Arabia or Algeria, where the Barcelona shirts are being sold without the red cross of Saint George, the patron saint of the Catalan region which Barca claims to represent, the La Vanguardia newspaper found in a private investigation.

The badge, which was created in 1906, features a single vertical red line in Saudi Arabia and Algeria, due to the fact that there, the red cross represents the symbol of the brutal mediaeval Christian crusades against Islam.

La Vanguardia, in its Saturday edition, expressed its indignation as well as shock, asking the officials of the club to respond to the situation.

---> Read More <---

The "36-21-12" Offensive

Dear Feminists, what the hell is wrong with your logic??

From the Washington Times...

"I heard two feminists talking the other day about an alleged relationship between Ashley Olsen, 21, and Lance Armstrong, 36.

"I don't have to tell my readers that both feminists were offended by the relationship. Nor do I have to explain that they were offended because they thought Armstrong was taking advantage of the younger Olsen and that he was somehow perverted for taking interest in one so young.

"But perhaps I should at this point remind the reader that feminists are staunchly opposed to parental notification requirements for minors seeking abortions. ...

"So why is a 12-year-old mature enough to have an abortion while a 21-year-old is too immature to date Lance Armstrong?"

---> Read More <---

The "Glowing Testicles from Hell" Offensive

My little puss puss may never recover...

OK, stop right there. I know what you're thinking....

After my last post about the perverted nun and her equally perverted neighbor, your mind is probably still in the gutter!!! I can imagine the mental picture in your head right now. I forgive you though, because it was really my fault for putting your thoughts there to begin with.

Unfortunately, this story isn't like that at all.

Honestly, I wish it was!

No, this one is a completely true and incredibly sad tale about my actual pussy cat, the once sweet and lovable Mister Schmoopy Doopey as pictured below:

Yes, I know. You can't help but fall in love with him too, huh?! Well when you hear what happened to him, you will surely feel my pain....

It all started when Mister Schmoopey Doopey grew a bit and started spraying odoriferous indications of his 'blossoming manhood' all over my house and, naturally, as a responsible cat owner and faithful watcher of Bob Barker on The Price is Right, I decided the time had come to do the right thing and get him neutered.

So, while the cleaning crew came in, I took my sweet little Mister Schmoopy to the local vet and after a rather quick inspection, he agreed that it was indeed time for the big "N". He assured me that it was an easy and painless procedure and that my kitty cat wouldn't even miss his furry little testicles.

Well, I wasn't easily convinced at first. I mean, being a woman, I couldn't really know for sure but I had some serious concerns because Mister Schmoopey so enjoyed spending hours and hours grooming his new found manhood, and I didn't want him to end up psychologically damaged when he realized they were just... gone!

And he is pretty smart, so what if he rejected me because of it? I didn't think I could live with that. My vet said he understood completely, and told me he had the perfect solution.

He gave me this pamphlet for a brand new product that had just came on to the market:

Yes, I thought it was a brilliant idea, too!!!

Mister Schmoopy is an indoor/outdoor kitten cat and being black like he is, I always worried about him being hit by a car at night while he prowled the neighborhood. I had tried the glow in the dark collars, but he kept hanging himself on fences and was down to only one or two lives left, so this seemed like the perfect solution! I made my mind up then and there, and was feeling confident that it was the right decision.

The cost was a little high, though, so before I could have the procedure done, I had to take a second job working 18 hour shifts at the local potato factory. He was worth it though!

Not only did I earn enough to pay for Mister Schmoopy's operation, but I made some international friends and learned a whole lot of dirty Spanish words to boot. Yep, those will come in handy for when the Taco truck lady is taking too long to get me my burritos!!

Anyhoo...I was soooo happy when I finally had enough saved up to make the appointment for his 'big day', but looking back, I see now that I probably should have made the call to the vet in private. Mister Schmoopy's IQ had apparently expanded exponentially during all those days and nights I had left him alone with nothing but PBS on the TV to keep him company!

I sensed by his response that he knew what was going on:

That whole week before his big day, he refused to come inside. I had to put raw meat out just to get him to come close enough and even then I had to use my tazer to calm him down enough to get him in his little cat carrier and into the car!

He recovered quickly, though, like he always does after I tazer him and we were on our way!

I didn't think much of it at the time, but as we went down our street, I noticed the other male cats in the neighborhood acting rather strangely, I think he may have told them what was going on at our house:

Weird, huh? Some of them are still up there to this day!

Anyhoo...everything went fine and the operation was a success, or so I thought. My vet assured me that when he healed up he would be the sweet, lovable Mister Schmoopey Doopey I'd always known and loved and we'd live happily ever after with him sleeping on my head at night and grooming his manhood during the days.

Well, my vet was wrong, wrong, wrong!! He couldn't have been more wrong. The Mister Schmoopey I knew and loved died that day on the operating table and a monster puss puss was born in his place!

I really should get a lawyer and make that bastard pay for what happened next, yet none of us could have predicted just how badly things would turn out, or the price we'd all pay for the vet's little mistake.

At first, I thought Mister Schmoopey was understandably just a little mad at me, but I trusted that once he healed and realized that I had generously opted for the extra large replacement testicles for his grooming pleasure, he'd get over it and we'd be even closer than before!!

Boy was I mistaken.

The first time I let him outside he limped bowlegged to the garden and stayed there for three whole days, making these awful noises and staring at me with a bone chilling, vengeful stare:

On the fourth day, instead of coming in to make nice, he disappeared completely, and I thought he had run away!! I panicked and plastered the neighborhood with missing Mister Schmoopey reward posters, alerting the neighbors to keep their eyes out... especially at night... for my kitten cat and his brand new and not cheap glowing nards!

Being the only cat in the area to have them, I was sure if nothing else, they would lead to his recovery!!

Well, it wasn't long before I started to realize that perhaps Mister Schmoopey hadn't really run away but was intentionally staying hidden from my view. I began finding little clues that he was still around, like deep claw marks all over my car doors, porch railings and lawn gnomes.

He was just getting out his frustration, I told myself, and soon it would all blow over and he'd be back to sleeping on my head at night again and grooming his manhood all day.

If only I'd recognized the other signs he'd been leaving.....

You can't blame me, I mean I just didn't want to think he was capable of such evil!! I felt safer convincing myself that it was the neighbor's angry and freakish looking teenage son who was leaving the trail of death around my yard.

I kept records, just in case it ever became an issue for the courts. I warn you, the pictures are graphic:

OK, I know, you don't have to say it.

The signs were all there that it was not the neighbor's freakish son, but was probably the vengeful work of my once sweet and loving Mister Schmoopy.

I guess love blinds a cat lover though, you know?! Who wants to think their little kitten is capable of such carnage??

What frightened me at first was how he killed so indiscriminately. Mice, birds, squirrels, frogs, dogs, deer...you name it, they all suffered from his wrath. It didn't take the neighbors long to figure out who was behind it all, too, since he'd pile the bodies on my porch or in my yard, or if I left my window open, on the front seat of my car!

Yes, I should have been clued in that it was directly related to my Mister Schmoopey and his little operation when the few male cats who had found the courage to come out of the big tree began not only turning up dead, too, but they showed extra disturbing signs of torture and mutilation on their furry carcasses.

I'll spare you the pictures, but let's just say that they all had their manhood forcibly removed in rather horrific and stomach turning sorts of ways! It really panicked ALL the male residents of my neighborhood, let me tell you! What made it worse was none of their missing reproductive parts were ever found. I don't even want to imagine what he did with them. The thought of it only makes me shudder!!

Anyhoo...only one cat that we know of to this day survived the vicious attacks, but he had always been the biggest and toughest bastard on the block anyway so we weren't really surprised that he could live through something like that.

It took the fight right out of him though, and he's never been the same since the incident...

I tried to bring over a get well soon kitty basket of treats and wanted to tell his owner that he might want to consider the glow in the dark implants to try to bring his once well endowed, bad ass, prize fighting kitty out of the mass depression he was in, but I guess he held a grudge and didn't want to talk to me. He just slammed the door in my face.

OK, I probably shouldn't have carved my response to his rudeness into the new vinyl siding on his house, but I was a little upset myself over the whole ordeal by this point!! Who could blame me?

Anyhoo...before long, because of the seemingly endless supply of innocent victims, we had no choice but to turn the little community park where all the kids played into this:


It's just awful, I know! What's worse is my once friendly neighbors began turning on me, which I felt was a bit unfair!! They really should be angry at my vet, he is the one who did this to us!!

I mean, I am a victim here, too.

I'm the one who had to quit my job so I could spend all of my time searching for my Mister Schmoopey Doopey, and I actually thought I spotted him the other night carrying something in his mouth that appeared to be little furry, bloody 'revenge trophies' under my house... but it was dark so I'm not sure it was really him.

It didn't look like the Mister Schmoopey I used to know and love, but it somewhat resembled his former self:

Soooo... now you understand why I'm in therapy over it all. I've thought about just giving up and putting my house up for sale, but if I don't find him soon it will be foreclosed on anyway.

I just can't give up hope though!! I just know someday my Mister Schmoopey Doopey will come back to me to sleep on my head all night and spend his days lounging on the couch happily grooming his enormous glow in the dark prosthetic manhood!!!

I just know it. I live for that moment now...that little glimmer of hope is what keeps me going. I have to cling to it, it's all I have, really.

Hey, thanks for listening, it really helps to have your support. Oh, and if you happen to be in my area and see him, will you please let me know?? I'm still offering that reward for his return...although I can't guarantee I can pay it all at once... or at all really at this point....but you understand, right??

:p

Chelle B.

The "Put the Binoculars Down" Offensive

Dear Abby, why am I such a pervert???

An actual Dear Abby letter...

..... If sight of naked neighbor offends, draw the curtains...

Dear Abby: I have lived next door to the "Smiths" for 18 years. They're nice people. When problems have arisen, they have helped me out, and I have done the same for them. We're good neighbors and friends.

I have known the Smiths' children their whole lives. Their daughter is now 17. Their son was born a year later.

My question: Is it normal for a 16-year-old boy to walk around the house naked, in plain view of family members? No one seems to notice or care. There are no looks or comments.

In the morning he gets up around 6:45. He walks into the kitchen and fixes a bowl of cereal. Then he stands at the counter, watching the morning sports shows while eating his breakfast in the nude. There is absolutely no evidence of arousal of any kind. When the bathroom becomes available, he goes in for a shower.

I have never seen any of the other family members naked. This boy has no compunctions about being seen by his father, mother, sister or next-door neighbor. He's been nude in my presence dozens of times. I know it's common for little boys to run around without clothes on sometimes, but Abby, he's not a little boy anymore.

– Clothes-Minded in Wisconsin

Dear Clothes-Minded...

---> Read More <---

Wait!!

Before you 'read more' and see Dear Abby's answer...tell me, what would you say in response to 'Clothes-Minded in Wisconsin'??