The "OK, What the Fatwa Went Wrong?!" Offensive

Well, I'm sure by now you've heard what happened to me. Yes, it is awful, but I'm strong. I will overcome this, I have a lot of support.

Oh, hey, don't worry!! I would never blame you. It is just as much my fault as it is yours that things got out of hand and on the bright side, at least I still have internet access!!

Of course, I only get an hour a day and I have to kickbox a few oversized lesbian bullies to get to the computer, but it is worth it! I'd be lost without coming here to update you on all my offenses!

I just feel sooo lucky to have such loyal fans all over the world who are rooting for me.

Like you, and like the guy who runs Vegas. He is always sooooo nice to me:

Oh, and then there are the Canadians, they have always been my #1 fan (especially Mike Holmes, he really loves me!):

I know!

Mike Holmes must have let them know. I'm just sure he's worried about me, he always wants to know exactly where I am and what I am doing.

Then of course there is this guy, I'm not sure why he cares but maybe he just wants the publicity or something, either that or he just really loved my Fatwas:

OK, I know what you're thinking.

"Chelle B., what the Fatwa is going on that everyone including Canada is saying 'FREE CHELLE B.'?!".

Oh, heh.. didn't you see my story on Fox News last night?

What do you mean, 'no'?!!!

Hey, no offense, but you sure aren't going to finish that college degree and get a job by hanging out here and at nakedpeople.com or wherever the hell else it is that you hang out all day.

I forgive you though.

My blog is rather addictive. Like Photos from Northern Norway. That place is like crack!! Well, OK, so it doesn't help that I have a thing for Vikings. I'd probably feel the same if it were Photos from Northern Scotland because I have an even bigger thing for guys in kilts.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo.... back to me. I guess it all started when I took my list of things you wanted me to Fatwa and I threw on my new camo burka and set about to start doing my Fatwa-ing.

It started out fine! I Fatwa'd all the used car dealerships and a few yuppies. I even hid behind a tree and Fatwa'd some Mormon missionaries who walked by. I think I kinda scared them because they split up and ran off in two different directions, which is against their religion, but it was fun!!

Yep, things were going just swimmingly until I went here, to Fatwa for Qelqoth:

Hey, it is not my fault that the camo burka made it hard for me to see the sign they had posted next to the drive-thru:

Plus, how was I supposed to know that all the cops in town were hanging out at KFC that day?! I thought they hung out at the Krispy Kreme!

I guess that must be an urban legend or something.

Anyhoo... I had a little problem with restraining myself after being told I couldn't Fatwa KFC:

No, it wasn't KFC. That was the police station, hehe.

The bastards deserved it though! I am an American, dammit. I should be allowed to Fatwa where I want, when I want and who I want.

And if I want to carry my trusty Spongebob Ruger with me, why the #$%! do I need a $%#!ing permit for it?!

Communists.

Ugh!!

Heh, I forget communists have surveillance cameras at their police stations and I guess I should have worn my camo bikini burka, it probably would have helped me get out of the whole mess:

I don't know why it had to be frigging 200 of them in riot gear to take me down and steal my Spongebob Ruger from me.

Heh, I thought it was a waste of tax-payer money, really.

Like I said, though, I don't blame you completely, just mostly Qelqoth since he just had to ask me to Fatwa KFC!

I mean, I should have said no, I love KFC!

(Especially since I hear they boil the chickens alive, yummmm!!!)

Ugh. I miss KFC now. I'll probably never see another one since they shipped me off to this political prisoner of war torture camp in Bankok:



I wish the ACLU knew about this. They would be pissed!!

Oh, it's not so bad. I am the only blonde American here so the male guards treat me extra, extra nice, because you know how the rest of the world feels about blonde American girls!

Heh, we are practically worshipped!! They worship me about 5 times a day, too. Sometimes all of them at once! Being worshiped kinda hurts though, and makes me walk funny the next day. But hey, being this far from Jesus and his taco truck friends, I will take what I can get!

Hooyah!

So anyhoo... as soon as I figure out a way to dig under the fence here, carve a canoe and paddle across the Atlantic, I will be back in Idaho in no time and back to my regular-walking, fun-loving, Fatwa-ing old self!!

I hope you are still around when I come back!!

Maybe I'll celebrate with a bucket of extra crispy popcorn chicken from KFC or something, too. Followed by a taco from Jesus with extra, extra jalapeños. Yay!!

:p

This post is being held as a political prisoner over at:

Psst... You should stumble me so the world hears about my plight!! :)

The "Fatwa the Rest of You, Too!!" Offensive

Well, let me just say, my Fatwa list is a lot longer than before!

There were quite a few readers who had some well deserving, highly Fatwa-able bastards in mind and I am more than happy to oblige!

You know me, I am nice that way! :)

The requests were great, too!

Like, .45 who wants me to Fatwa yuppies.

Now, I wasn't sure if it was just the ones in his neighborhood or ALL of them in the world, so to be safe I put them all on my list.

They are so frigging annoying with their stupid little "smart" cars and their deer-in-the-headlight looks whenever I get right up on their asses in my gas-guzzling monster truck and scream Irish curse words at them while they are trying to pull into the Green World Market parking lot to buy organic orange juice!!

Hooyah! That is fun!

Heh, between you and me, I hope .45 doesn't mind if I save just a few of them for my own twisted pleasure!!

Oh, and then there is Truckindog who requested a Fatwa against used car salesmen.

I mean, who wouldn't want them Fatwa'd??! Those lying, cheating bastards have been racking up Fatwa karma for far too long. Probably even before cars were invented!

Heh, I bet used horse salesmen were just as frigging Fatwa-able and worthy of jihad even.

Those sorry bastards, they are definitely on my list!!

(Oh, well... of course, unless YOU are a used car salesman, then you are exempt because you are my #1 fan!! :)

Then there was hammy who had two request , one for James Blunt (hate him - on the list!) and the other for missionaries.

Now, I was torn here, because as you may or may not know, I lived in a very nice Mexican mission recently and the sisters there were just awesome! I missed Jesus though, so I came back. :)

On the other hand, I do live as a non-Mormon in an area that is roughly 98.6% Mormon and let me tell you, I have already put almost every one of those bastards on my Fatwa list!!

Frigging Mormons.

(Oh, well, unless you are one of those too, then you are exempt, of course!! )

And last but not least, is my good friend moooooooooooooooooog who didn't come right out and ask for it but sounded like he really wanted me to declare a Fatwa on Disneyland.

I am totally with him there, I used to live by Disneyland and let me just say that it is NOT the happiest place on earth!! Call me crazy, but even as a kid I never really enjoyed going to Disneyland.

Welllllllll, except there was that one time when I dropped acid and went, hehe.

That was a trip!!!

Anyhoo... that is all the Fatwa requests so far, feel free to add your own to my growing list.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot!!

Before I can get down to the Fatwa-ing, I need you to help me decide which camo burka I should wear!! I mean, I can't be seen Fatwa-ing without one. It is in the handbook and I am all about rules, you know.

So, here is my first choice, I think it is very pretty on her and would look just as nice on me:


Hmmm... I just hope it doesn't come with Benjamin Netanyahu's head, because he is my very own Jewish Master!! I so love him.

And then there is this one, which is a little more conservative and not as pretty but quite versatile:

It is actually my personal favorite now that I think of it. I could use it for Fatwa-ing, bow hunting AND for scaring the neighborhood kids too!

I do like versatility. :)

And lastly, there is this one, which my hubby picked out:

Yeahhhhh, we always have different tastes on these things, but as long as I can Fatwa in it, I am happy!!

Oh, and plus... it comes with a bonus to help me with my Fatwa-ing:

I did always want a Spongebob Ruger to go with my Hello Kitty AR-15!!

Hooyah!!

:p

This post is Fatwa-ing everyone who doesn't like me over at:

Stumbling cures a Fatwa hangover, though! :)

The "Hey, Fatwa You Too!!" Offensive

Well, GOOD MORNING!! What a great Monday!! I am soooo damn happy, my conversion to Islam and subsequent Fatwas against winter are working out better than I could have ever imagined! The weather outside is just lovely, and when I turned on the news I almost couldn't believe the forecast for the whole week:

I know, NO SNOW!!! Hooyah!!

Oh, and I got a new weatherman, too! Doesn't he look kinda familiar? I think he used to host America's Funniest Videos or something.

Anyhoo... I decided that since my Fatwas are apparently so productive, I am going to use my newfound power to take care of a few other things that have really been offending and pissing me off lately.

For the last 5 minutes I have been making a whole list of them.

OK, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle B., I hope I'm not on your list! I stumbled your last post and visited .45 to tell him how nice his Willy was."

Ha! Don't worry, I would never Fatwa you! You are my #1 fan!! :)

Although, I can think of one guy who reads my blog and might be worried:

That's Hugo Lopez, the ex-president of Cuba. I would never issue a Fatwa on him, he loves my blog!!! Plus, he called our president a Zionist DEVIL at one of those New World Order meetings, and that just cracked me up, haha!

Now what was I Fatwa-ing again??

Oh yeah! People who really piss me off and offend me. There are many!

Here is the first one, because their stupid song keeps getting stuck in my brain:

UGH! I hate them!! The song is kinda catchy, though....

Oh, and here is another one I just can't stand. His songs get stuck in my brain too!! Maybe it's because I watch like 5 hours of his show everyday:

Frigging Hip Hop Harry. Ugh. He just thinks he is way cooler than Barney or the Moomins. He is so not!!

Oh yeah, and then there are these bastards! I heard on Fox News how this is supposedly the bestest fecking place on the planet to live:

I know! Just who the bloody hell do they think they are there?!

Does Finland have rugged, beautiful mountains?

No!

Does Finland have crystal clear rivers and streams just jumping with fish to catch?

Hell No!

Do they even have Japanese tourists who show up by the busload to snap pictures of the locals in compromising positions??

Well... heh, probably so, but still!!

Idaho is the BESTEST FECKING PLACE ON THE PLANET!! That's right, so I Fatwa you, you Finland bastards!! Norway and Iceland are next, once you are out of the way!

Well, that was fun.

I feel so much better! If there is anyone you'd like me to add to my Fatwa list, just let me know!!

I am in a very giving mood today because the weather is so nice and I can finally leave my bunker after 5 months.

In fact, I think I will prostrate myself a sixth or seventh time before the day is over just to celebrate!

Hooyah.

:p

PS. Tomorrow you can help me pick which camo burka looks best on me!! :)

If they don't stop changing my numbers, this post will soon be Fatwaing:

Allah said "Stumble Chelle B. or no virgins await you!!"

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to the man with THE BESTEST FECKING WILLY EVER.... Mr. .45 himself. His entry into the "What Was Willy Reading" Offensive blew the other two dicks right out of the water!!

So congratulations to the man with the best Willy and to celebrate, here is a little visual of Willy himself reading the winning title (as made by the lovely and talented Claire, the doodle Queen of England):

.45's ad will be in my sidebar all week, so click it and go tell him how great his Willy is! He can never hear that enough. :)

OK, now with that out of the way... I have a very, very very important announcement to make!!

After waking up to yet another blanket of white manna from hell covering everything outside and rubbing it in my face that spring is NOT yet here, I have decided that it is time for me to step up my anti-winter efforts a few notches. The global warming thing is just taking too frigging long so I am really left with only one choice:

I, Chelle B., am converting to Islam!

That's right, you heard me. I already ordered my camo burka and I've been prostrating myself all morning... with help from my hubby, of course.

Heh, he isn't converting but he really seems happy that I am!

Hooyah!!

Who knew that Islam could be so fun?!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., how is converting to Islam and prostrating yourself going to make the snow disappear??"

Ha! Don't you know that when you are one of them you can issue a Fatwa against people and declare a jihad on things?! Man, don't you ever stop surfing the net for porn long enough to watch Fox News?!

Ugh.

Anyhoo... I have it all figured out. Once I finish prostrating myself (for the 5th time today!), I am going to issue a Fatwa and declare jihad on winter and my new bestest friends will do all the dirty work for me:

I know! I love those bastards, too. Especially when they're on my side!!!

:p

This post is prostrating itself over at:

Stumble me, or your next on my Fatwa list!!! :)

The "For the Record, Mr. Angry Man!" Offensive

So, I won't mention names or anything, but in my "Bring on the Global Warming!" Offensive, some "Angry Man" practically accused me of being one of those Pro-White Idaho Bloggers that you always see on Fox News, and let me tell you, I was almost offended!!!

I know, what a bastard, huh!!

(Just between you and me, I ROFLMAO because I thought it was funny as hell, but don't tell him I said that! ;)

Anyhoo... before some other Angry commentator of the Penile Persuasion gets the wrong idea and calls up the ACLU to have me put on some secret Pro-White Idaho Blogger watch list or something, I thought I better take a moment here and set the record straight!!

I mean, I do have a reputation to uphold!

Now first of all, I am not even remotely within driving distance to the local Idaho White Bloggers union hall:

See??

OK, so I am within driving distance, but at least not until the roads are clear enough for me to get there safely.

I am not that crazy!!

Second, it is purely coincidental that I have a birthmark of Germany on my ass (I added the 'you are here' tattoo just for fun!):

Heh, I also have Australia, Columbia and Russia birthmarked on my ass, too!

Does that automatically make me some sort of communist coffee drinker who runs around saying 'g'day mate'?!!

I think not, Mr. Angry Man!

Thirdly, it is also purely coincidental that I have a cat named Adolf that just happens to somewhat resemble a certain former leader of the Nazi party:

Oh, please, there are tons of cats that look like Hitler! I'm sure you'd think worse of me knowing that I have a dog name Gobbels and a goat named Himmler! Pffft.

Now then, if all that isn't enough to convince you that I am not a skin-headed-goose-stepping-with-a-machine-gun- through-the-potato-fields-wearing-a-camo-bikini-neo-nazi-type, just take a good look at this lovely poster I made.

It is for my new upcoming campaign to give extra special recognition to some extra, extra, special and well deserving black people during the upcoming last week of Black History Month:

That's right!! I bet you didn't think to honor black stoners, now, did you!?

Hey, don't be jealous because I thought it up.

Hey, and don't try to steal my idea or my poster, either!

I'll have to tell Jesus to come pay you a visit. Or call up my Jewish lawyer to drag your ass to court for copyright violations!!

On second thought, maybe you should come pay Jesus a visit. Some of his tacos with extra, extra jalapenos might just unplug you, and then you can change your name to Mr. Happy Man!!!

Hooyah.

:p

This post is goose-stepping it's way over to:

Pssst... white people love to be stumbled, too!!

The "Bring on the Global Warming!!" Offensive

So um, no offense, but I am becoming a very big fan of global warming. In fact, I am probably the biggest fan global warming has ever had at this point!!

I live in the arctic zone here in Idaho, so when I hear people bitching about global warming, I just want to bury them in the twelve feet of snow that is still outside my house right now and see how they like it.

Ugh!!!

That's right, I want global warming to happen so badly and I don't really care who it offends because I am soooooo very, very, very sick of looking at this every day:

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., what is wrong with you? It looks absolutely beautiful there!!! Like a postcard, even!!".

Pfffttt!! It is an evil optical illusion, believe me!! It is only beautiful right up until Christmas day.

In fact, if it wasn't for that stupid global cooling that hits every year for 5 endless months, it would look like this all the time:

Now that, my friend, is a postcard of paradise.

Between you and me, my backyard is the destination for people from all over the galaxy because it just happens to be the bestest fecking place on the planet - heh, when it isn't covered in a thousand frigging feet of snow, that is!!!!

Did you know that a person can die in the snow?! Or go crazy being trapped inside by an affliction called 'cabin fever'?? It's true. I've seen it happen to some good people.

Thanks, I feel sorry for me too!!

But hey, you know me, I am not going to just sit back and take this. In fact, I have just decided that I am going to become a very proactive fan of global warming!

Yep, as soon as I post this I am going to go out and buy a new truck, like this one:

Hooyah! Now that will be fun!!

Then.... I am going to start dumping a bunch of toxic stuff like this into all the local rivers and streams:

That's right, that crap will definitely help make things better for me here!!

Also, I'm going to start collecting all the trash I can find and I'm going to make midnight runs into all the nearby towns and cities so I can do this:

Gosh, I can already feel the temperature rising just thinking about it!!! I won't ever need to wear twelve pairs of socks and forty-seven sweaters ever, ever again!!

Have I mentioned that I hate snow and I love global warming?!!

Oh, and I am going to invest in a whole herd of these pollution producing critters just for extra insurance:

Snow?

What snow???

Bwahahaha! I know, I AM an evil genius! :)

Wow, I can just see it now..... by this time next year, the wildflowers will still be blooming, and the grizzly bears will still be foraging for berries, and the trophy trout will still be begging for me to try to catch them, and.....

Ahhhhh.... just thinking about it, I can almost hear the sound of a thousand Japanese tourists snapping pictures!!!

Hey, speaking of Japanese tourists, you should plan a trip out next winter to enjoy it with me!!

I'll cook us up some elk steaks and I'll even teach you how to fly fish and how to make fun of tourists and how to outrun grizzly bears!

You will LOVE it here!

:p

This post is proactively seeking ways to increase global warming over at humor-blogs.com

Pssst.... I hear that stumbling actually cures cabin fever!! ;)

The "Vengeance is Mine!!" Offensive

So you know that old saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman locked in a bunker while her husband shoots arrows at a pinata target that looks like her and sings 'Jesus is just alright with me' all day."??

That's right, and I made up a new one to go with it: "Vengeance is mine sayeth Chelle B.!!!".

Yep, and nobody is better at vengeance OR fury than I am.

Nobody!! Heh, just ask Jesus! :)

Oh, wait, I almost forgot, you can't!!!

I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you didn't! That poor Jesus!!".

Please! How can you feel sorry for that bastard after what he did to me?! Heh, he is just lucky it was so quick and almost painless:

That's right! It wasn't so quick and almost painless for his taco truck though. It took them a few days to put that fire out, mostly because that sticky imported "incense" made the firemen feel a little um, "disoriented" and I'm sure the smell of roasted jalapenos didn't help either!!

Bwahahaha!

Hey, don't give me that look. Jesus got what he deserved! No, I do not feel a bit guilty. There are at least 4 other taco trucks within a mile of my house who could use some business!

That's right! No guilt at all.

None.

Nada.

If Jesus were here right now, I'd say "Goodbye you taco-slinging, "incense" importing, woman-hating bastard! See if I even show up with our kids to your funeral after what you did to me!"

And: "See if I miss your tacos or your extra jalapenos or our all night confession sessions...."

Ugh!

Oh alright!! I admit it, I didn't really kill Jesus or burn down his taco truck. I did plan it though, but as soon as I got down there he was so nice and had my tacos all ready for me with extra, extra jalapenos and everything!! You and I both know how I am about extra jalapenos, too. It is my one weakness.

Well, and he also said something with that cute little accent of his that made my heart just melt:

OK, he said it in Spanish and I don't speak Spanish well, so I thought he meant I deserved "better" and it seemed sooooo nice at the time!

Hell, It must have been hours before I woke up and realized that I was tied up in the back of his taco truck, headed for Mexico!

I mean, it wasn't the first time he had surprised me like that, so silly me, I still thought he was just being nice:

I mean, call me naive, but I honestly believed he was taking me south of the border to finally give me what I REALLY deserved. He had promised it a million times, usually during our "all night confession sessions", so I'm sure you can understand why I took it to mean something like this:

Of course, I know from experience that things never look as good as the brochure, but his idea of paradise was ridiculous!!!

My beach front condo wasn't anywhere near as nice as I had imagined it would be:

Ha! I figured things out pretty quickly though.

Lucky for me they don't make their bunkers out of reinforced titanium down here in Mexico, and even luckier for me that Jesus didn't bother to shut or lock the door! It only took me two days to figure out what was going on and find my way out of there, and let me tell you... I was pretty pissed off by the time I realized that I was in the middle of the desert with no beach close by or no food or water or no Jesus to scream Irish curse words at or to demand a ride home from!

I mean, he didn't even stick around to shoot arrows at a pinata me or anything!

See?!! I tried to tell you he is a bastard and you think I am exaggerating everything and always take his side and feel sorry for Jesus!

That really hurts me, you know. :*(

Well, anyhoo.... lucky for me that after almost a week of wandering aimlessly in that barren wasteland that they call 'paradise' on the Travel Channel I found this mission:

Yep, that's my new home, isn't it great?!!

Well, it's actually bigger than it looks, there are hundreds of us living here and we are all very happy! I never want to go back to Idaho, I've learned sooooo much here.

Important things like: how to let go of my anger and forget all about my quest for vengeance, how to love Jesus with my whole heart and soul again, how to weave baskets and tell the difference between "more" and "better" in Spanish, and.... heh, well a lot of other really useful things!

I owe it all to my new best friend, too. She's the first one I met here at the mission:

That is Sister ummm... dang.... well, I can't remember her name right now but believe me, she is great! Believe it or not, she is actually one of my old neighbors from Idaho who we all just assumed had run off with some serial killer guy she met online!

I know!! What a small world, huh?!

Apparently, I wasn't the first one Jesus had decided 'deserved more' than what her American husband had given her! That silly bastard, he is such a great guy!!

Yes, you heard me, Jesus is just alright with me!!

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be down here with all my Sister friends living the Mexican dream!! Sadly, I'll probably never see him again, but I will never forget him, either. He really changed my life for the best.

Usually just after harvest, I do wish his taco truck was a little closer, though:

Oh well, you know what they say, "Sometimes you just have to sacrifice a few things in order to find true happiness in life."!!

But hey, if you ever need some REALLY GOOD sticky, imported "incense", just let me know!

I can totally hook you up. Hooyah!!

:p

This post in on a mission over at humor-blogs.com

Pssst... you get a discount on the sticky "incense" if you stumble me:

The "Votes For Willy's Book Title!!" Offensive

Well...... I survived my weekend of offending (boy was it fun, hooyah!) and now it is Monday and every muscle aches but here I am because it is time to announce the 3 top entries for the "What Was Willy Reading" contest!!

Yay!!

Now then, before I announce the finalists and open the polls, I wanted to dedicate this post to my two favorite non-sex toys. Which one do you think is my very, very, very most favorite of the two?

Ha! It is a trick question, the answer is: neither one! They are BOTH my favorite!

That's right, both of them have nice smiles, at least 3 hairs (which are always styled so very fashionably), they both love to hike, have great British accents and know a ton of great foreign curse words, are good sports, and they both annoy and piss more people off at blogcatalog.com than I do lately!! :)

I know, it almost seems impossible to believe!

Hey, but enough about them! We don't need either one growing a big head (or a bigger one in Willy's case!). Hopefully for all my sucking up I will get some free therapy from Claire when she becomes a counsellor, though, because you and I both know that I could really use some!! :p

Anyhoo..... let's vote on What Was Willy Reading!!!

The entries were all incredibly brilliant and LOL worthy and Claire and I had SUCH a hard time deciding again! I fought hard though for my favorites; I slapped her around a bit... but she pulled my hair and made me cry, so then I threatened to set Willy on fire.... but then she threatened to post that Youtube video she found of me and heh, I can't have that made public so I gave in and we finally came to an agreement on her top three.

Which weren't as good as mine, but were still pretty fecking funny, I'm sure you will agree:

You can cast your votes all week long. Tomorrow, I will move this to the sidebar until Friday and then it will be replaced by a week-long ad for the winning blogger!

Thanks for playing along and may the best Willy Win!! :)

Psst... Willy says "Stumbles are most welcome"!! :)

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!

I finally devised a way to bust out of my prison bunker so I am heading out for the weekend to commit a few of my own offenses, hooyah!! Hopefully I'll get a chance to teach that taco-slinging Jesus a lesson or two while I'm at it!!

I'll be back Monday to announce the 3 top entries of the "What Was Willy Reading?" contest so we can begin voting and to fill you in on all the details of my quest for vengence. Until then, I found this offensive little video that will make you ROFL, or at least LOL:

Enjoy!!

This post is being censored over at:

The "The Tacos From Hell" Offensive

So, you know that song by the Doobie Brothers, "Jesus is Just Alright With Me"?? Ugh, I hate that song now! It is such a lie!!

That's right, Jesus so isn't alright with me. I think I hate him more than that song, even, and as soon as I possibly can, I am so getting a new taco truck driver!!

Yep, you heard me. I will never eat another taco made by Jesus as long as I live!!

Ever.

Not even if he begs me.

Or puts extra, extra jalapeños on it.

Ha! I probably won't even buy nearly as much of his sticky, imported "incense" after what he has done to me, either!

OK, I know what you are thinking:

"But Chelle B., what could he possibly have done to make you say all this? I thought he is your #1 fan?!"

Well, believe me, so did I!

But you tell me, did he come by and leave a nice comment on my RIP post like you did?

No! Did he even notice that I was dead?

Ha! Not until he realized how much my tab was and sent his boys looking for me to 'pay up or else'!

Is he a bastard who ruined my life?

Yes he is and I don't forget things like this.

I'm sure being the bastard that he is, he would blame me, though, since I'm the one who sent my hubby down to pick up some of these for me today:



Yummmm! I know!!

They are the bestest fecking tacos ever!!

Well, heh, they were, before that Jesus bastard ruined my life!!

Can you believe that it took my hubby three hours to bring those back to me and, to top it off, not only were the tacos cold, but Jesus "supposedly" forgot to get extra jalapeños too!

He NEVER forgets that. He knows all too well how much I like them. So when I heard that, I just knew something was terribly wrong!

It all went downhill from there, too.

Apparently, my usually obedient and accommodating husband had accidentally mentioned something to Jesus about how I have a bit of a hard time dealing with his monthly hormonal mood swing disorder and how he responds by hiding in his bunker, and Jesus told him something that changed all of our lives forever:



Yes, can you believe that taco-making bastard actually said that?!!

Or that my husband actually believed it??

Well Jesus said it and hubby believed it and so now just look at where it has left me:



That's right, and the worst part is, it isn't even 'that time of the month'!!

As he was packing my stuff and carrying me out here, my hubby said that Jesus told him all about how he has the right to put me in the bunker, and that he has the right to drive my car off a bridge and throw my clothes out into the yard, and destroy all of my favorite things... and Jesus even said that he could take every female animal we own and lock them in here with me!!

He also told him to remember to turn the lock around on the door so I can't escape.

So now, it is me, the cat, one of the dogs, and our nanny goat all locked up in here like a bunch of crazy people!! How fair is that??

Heh, lucky for my daughter that I lost track of time and forgot about picking them up from school today:



You know me, I don't normally do that, but I'm glad I did or she would be trapped in here with me right now, too!!

So, did I mention that I hate Jesus AND his tacos now??

Oh, and did I mention that I also hate the Doobie Brothers and their stupid song?? I hate my husband too, but don't tell him that because if he thinks I feel that way he will never let me out of here!!

The worst part is, he drilled a peep hole for me so I could see out and added a one way speaker so I could hear him singing to me all damned day:

I guess Jesus taught him how to make a life-sized pinata of me, too, because now he is out there all day, right where I can watch, using 'pinata me' for target practice, singing that stupid #$%! song! Does he have to be so happy doing it??

Ugh!!!!

Oh, hey, thanks for listening, I feel better knowing that you feel sorry for me.

It's all I really want from you, anyway.

Hell, he didn't even let me bring a cell phone or a computer in here, but being the evil genius I am, I rigged up a make-shift laptop using some old stuff lying around in here just so I could let you know how abused I am and get your sympathy!

You are my new #1 fan!!! :)

And, as soon as I get out of here, I am so finding a new taco truck guy! Miguel and his cute Swedish boyfriend run one on the other side of town, I bet they will give me the respect and sympathy I deserve.

Because if I haven't mentioned it, Jesus is such a bastard.

I hate him. I really do.

I do kinda miss him, though.

And his tacos.

They are the best.

Ever.

:*(

This post is plotting ways for revenge over at:

Pssst... hey, stumble me so those people will feel sorry for me too!

The "Look Whose Best Willy Won!!" Offensive

Well, folks, we have a winner of our first "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest!! Thanks to everyone who voted, (and a big thanks to Claire and Willy for being such great sports!!)

It was a tight race, no pun intended, and we almost found ourselves with a tie between Matt-Man and Roger!! If that had been the case, I was planning on making them tell me what their Willy's were thinking at the moment and whoever made me LOL harder would have won!!

Boy am I glad we didn't have to go there! :p

Anyhoo... as a special treat, I am bringing on Willy as a guest blogger because the lovely Claire told me that he wanted to convey the whole story in his very own words:

(#1 comment only received 2 votes, one of which was probably from Alison, the original writer. I know who the other voter was personally because, dammit, Claire is a pimp!! ;)

(Of course, Roger and Matt-Man are renown for their uncanny abilities to know what their own willy's are thinking, so naturally they were running neck and neck in the race for quite awhile!)

(Willy wasn't too sure he liked the thought that he was thinking about Rosie O., and I can't really say that I blame him! I know I'd have a hard time of it trying to get aroused by her!)

(In the end, Roger pulled out ahead of Matt-Man and won the race. Funny how that sounds, huh? I am pretty sure Willy was satisfied with the final results, since rumor has it that he truly does not enjoy brown holes!!! They make him loose his cherub-like demeanor. :)

So congratulations to Roger and make sure you look below for the "What Was Willy Reading?" contest!!

Enter your best book title, and may the best Willy win! :)

Oh, and one last thing:

:p

There are other thinking Willy's over at:

The "What Was Willy Reading??" Contest

So now that you all have had the pleasure of meeting Claire's Willy, and you helped make the last "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest so fun and arousing, it is time for the second installment!

I know! It is so fun to play with Willy. :)

Now then, you already know how much our little Willy loves a good, hard workout, so we thought it was time to show the intellectual side of our beloved little love monkey.

(Willy is not just a mindless love-muscle, you know!! He has a very large intellect to go with that hard body of his!)

So, for this week's Offended Blogger (with help from A Little Piece of Me!) "What Was Willy...." caption contest, we thought it would be fun if you tell us what it is that Willy is reading to help flex his groinal lobes:

It is your turn to flex your own intellectual groinal lobes a bit and come up with your very bestest "What Was Willy Reading?" book title!!

The contest will run all week and the top 3 entries will be selected on Friday to be put to a vote on the next Weekender Offender.

Voting ends the following Monday, precisely at midnight Greenwich Mean Time, which happens to be Willy's bedtime.

Let's top last week's 70+ entries and as always.... may the Best Willy Win!!!

:D

This post is flexing groinal lobes all over at:

Willy would love a stumble or two, as well!! :)

The "R.I.P., Chelle B." Offensive

Chelle B.: Friend and fellow offender.

Gone, but not forgotten.

Yep, that's right, this is is my last post!! By the time you read this, my funeral will probably be over and my ashes will have been scattered over the tops of the Grand Tetons, or at least in a jar in the backseat of the truck ready to go.

I know! I will miss you too!!

Don't tell the other offenders, but you were always my favorite.

You LOL'd at all of my offenses, you entered my new Offended Blogger "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest, you bailed me out of that Mexican jail a couple of times... gosh, you were the bestest fecking RSS subscriber a girl could ever dream of!!

Well, except that one really rude comment you left. I never really got over it even though I told you it was OK.

Anyhoo.... sorry it had to end this way, but you and I both knew that I'd eventually offend the wrong person and it would come to this. At least it wasn't too slow and agonizing, but they did have to find all the pieces, which took awhile. :(

Oh, now, I know what you're thinking:

"Chelle B., you can't be gone!! Who is posting this? Besides, you haven't repented enough, and I just know you will burn in hell if you go now!!".

Hey, thanks for your concern but don't you worry about me! I am almost sure the Big Guy just loved me soooo much, he wanted me to come offend Him in person!!

Believe it or not, I set it up so that my blog would automatically post this final farewell when this time came because like a girl scout, I am always prepared! I'd give you the script, but heh, it's a little late for that, huh? ;)

Anyhoo... I do feel bad for those I left behind, though!!

Like my poor hormonal hubby:


I know!! It will be hard for him to find another woman like myself who will love him despite the fact that he is of the penile persuasion... or that will put up with his unpredictable monthly mood swings that make him think I want to castrate him and cause him to run and hide in his underground bunker to protect his manhood.

Then there are the children, who probably won't even know I am gone until long after the fact:

You're right! I think it is best that way, too.

Let them think I am still on my way to pick them up from... where were they again??

Oh well. I guess it doesn't really matter now. Poor kids. They may never even notice I am gone!!

Oh, and then there's my neighbor who I was so close to, who may or may not even remember me by now.

I am almost sure that he would miss me if he did:


Haha.... I know, that poor delusional bastard!! He'll be joining me up here soon if he doesn't get picked up by search and rescue!

Who cares about that loony fecker anyway.

I just know Mike Holmes will definitely never forget me AND will miss me, since he is always so interested in keeping track of exactly where I am and exactly what I'm doing:


Boy I will miss him and all those "unexpected" runs up into Canada! I just know if I'd have tried once more he would have come back with me!!

Oh well, maybe I will just have to come back and haunt him. Restraining orders don't apply to ghosts, do they?? If I end up in hell, I'll have to check with my old lawyer on that one.

That reminds me!! The guy I just loooove to torment over at blogcatalog.com will miss me, for sure:



Ha! He is in my will alright.

Not!!

I will definitely still be hijacking all his threads and spamming his inbox with Irish curse words from the otherside, just to mess with him!! Heh, it will be even more fun than before!! :)

Yep, and Kidraper69 will miss me even more than my annoyed BC friend, and will be in for a big surprise when he gets the news:



Oh, and Mister Constipated in Montana will miss me even more than both of them when he gets the call :



Gosh, I think I've covered them all now. I will sure miss every one of those silly knob licking, arse kissing, offensive gobshites.

They made life worth offending for, you know?!

Oh, alright! I know what you're thinking:

"Chelle B., how can you just ignore your #1 biggest fan?!"

OK, I'll just get it over with, even though it is hard and brings a tear to my eye: I will miss Jesus my beloved taco truck guy the most!!

Man, I really loved that non-English speaking, taco making, imported "incense" selling bastard and I know he really loved me:

That's right! My name is tattooed on his head!!

How special, huh?? :)

Hey, if you happen to be in my area and you happen see him, would you do me a favor and pay up my tab at his taco truck?

Thanks, I really appreciate it, and hey, I know it will be hard but please, do go on offending without me!! I'll be watching from up there. Or down there. Or wherever!!

Hooyah.

Oh, and leave a nice comment about me in my guestbook here too, dammit!!

:p

This post is paying it's last respects over at:

Would it kill you to stumble me now that I'm dead?! :p

The Weekender Offender - Willy Edition!

Welcome to a very special edition of the Weekender Offender, featuring the final voting for this week's "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest!!

We had quite a rousing reaction to our first ever Willy competition, with nearly 70 entries, and it was extremely stimulating for Claire and I to see all of the wonderful and funny responses. Of course, Willy was beyond excited and he is simply ready to burst now that we have reached this week's climax!!

I'm sure you know that was not easy to select the top three entries, they were all very creative, and funny, and exceeded our expectations. We did our best and just randomly picked three out of a top hat. (No, sadly it wasn't Lord Likely's top hat, although if it had been, it would only have further increased our excitement!!)

So, on that note, without further adieu, we invite you to kindly cast your votes:


VOTING IS OVER ~ DON'T MISS THE NEXT ONE!!!! :)


Thank you so much! Please check back in Sunday evening when the next Willy contest begins! This week it will be "What Was Willy Reading?"!!

You won't want to miss it. :)

This post is casting a vote for Willy over at humor-blogs.com.

Stumbles are always welcome!!

The "New Rules for Pandas and Jesus" Offensive

(The "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest will officially close soon, so for those of you who participated, thank you!! For those who haven't yet, hurry!!

The voting begins this weekend on the Weekender Offender post which will be up sometime tomorrow so make sure you come back to cast your vote, and may the Best Willy Win!! )


From the upcoming "2008 Guide to All Things Offensive" by Chelle B.:

Rule #1 - Pandas are no longer allowed to be Chinese.

Rule #2 - This naturally means that Jesus, my taco truck guy can no longer be Hispanic. :*(

Vinod Gupta, the chairman and chief executive of InfoUSA in Omaha, the parent of Salesgenie.com, said in a telephone interview Tuesday that a commercial featuring two animated pandas speaking with what were intended as Chinese accents would be withdrawn.

“We never thought anyone would be offended,” said Mr. Gupta, who developed and wrote both commercials himself.

“The pandas are Chinese,” he said. “They don’t speak German.”

Still, “if I offended anybody,” Mr. Gupta said, “believe me, I apologize.”

---> Read More <---

OK, so let's see if I can do this right:


Heh, well that was easy enough to overcome!!


Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to pick a new and improved nationality for Jesus, my favorite Hispanic taco truck driver... suggestions are welcome!! I have added a poll in the sidebar, or leave a comment for what nationality you think best suits Jesus!!

This post is making sure I am stereotypically sensitive over at:

please, oh please, oh please... stumble me!!

The "Church Signs say the Darndest Things!" Offensive

(Pssst.... in case you didn't know, there is an Offended Blogger "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest going on 2 posts down, don't miss it! 60 + entries already! Voting starts Friday and the winner will be announced on Monday. A new Willy contest starts this Sunday, too. Hooyah!!)

So anyhoo... after that Aussie crybaby set my effing teeth on edge earlier, I decided to just put it behind me and turn the other cheek, at church.

OK, well it wasn't really church, it was actually this really fun website I found called Church Sign Generator where I created the following offensive church signs to humor myself:

This first one was inspired by and is dedicated to Ender over at Red Monkey . It is a recreation of a true story that happened to her.

(Note that the "R" in "FIRST" fell off, so it started off quite non-offensively but, heh, apparently God has quite the sense of humor!)

The rest of these are just created from my own twisted, offensi-magination:

Hey, we both know the Big Guy loves me and would ROFL at these.

OK, maybe He would just LOL, but still, it's better than being an effing Aussie with my kangaroo-skin panties in a big ol' effen wad, pffft!!

:p

This post is insuring my need for an all night confession, or even an exorcism over at:

The "Effing Crybabies Down Under" Offensive

The "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest is still running until Friday, when we close the comments and start voting, so don't miss out!!! Until then, here is a fresh offense to keep you occupied. :)

I swear, those effing Aussies are so easily offended. I bet if you conducted a poll on who is the easiest to offend on this whole effing planet, those effers would win.

I found this effing article written by an Aussie about how the "F" bomb is too effing offensive, and it really effing rubbed me the wrong effing way!!

What a bunch of big effing babies.

Don't they effing have anything better to do than effing worry about a little effing "bad" word??

I know! As if a there aren't more effing important things out there to focus on, like the effing environment, the effing starving effers in Africa, or even the effing war in Iraq, for eff's sake.

Heaven effing help them if some effing foul-mouthed Irish effer moves Down Under and starts using 'feck this' and 'feck that'! Then they'll really effing have their effen kangaroo-skin panties in an effing wad!!

What a bunch of effing effers. Eff.

NO OTHER word invokes such a wild, primal response in me.

Single words can inspire feeling, provoke passion and alter opinion, but not like this.
This particular unit of language starts with F but gets an A for making me see red.

* * * * *

The F word is everywhere, increasingly spoken in everyday conversation, regardless of the intended or accidental audience. It is seen as a useful little word, and a word that, in its own special way, is adaptable like no other. With the twist of just a few letters, it can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, an interjection – even an exclamation.

It is so popular and commonly applied that we could be forgiven for forgetting it is still technically an obscenity and still offends many. In an era when the adage "there's a time and place for everything" has made way for "just do it", the F word peppers countless conversations caught in passing, T-shirts, bumper stickers and pop songs.

---> Read More <---

This post is effing around over at:

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!! This Weekender Offender is dedicated to the late, great Jimi Hendrix. RIP Jimi!!

Soooo what offenses are you up to without me?? Hey, if I'm lucky, you are out getting drunk right now and the video will be up on YouTube just in time for me to add you to my new blog!!

That's right, another one.

Hooyah!!

I named it "The International Drunk" and the name kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it.

Yep, I'm now "Blogging the shitfaced from around the globe...because they're out there." Go check it out!!

Maybe someone you know is showcased in all their drunken glory.

Oh before you do, I also have to announce my latest "Offender of the Week" awards. There were actually two bloggers who grabbed my attention and offended me in just the right way this week.

First was Buzzardbilly who is the funniest blogger from West Virginia that I've ever met!!! (OK, so SHE's the only blogger from West Virginia that I've ever met, but still!) :p

HER Appalachian tales are soooo funny so go visit HER and laugh with HER about ME and the fact that I have to change my name now to offensiveblogger since I thought SHE was a HE!! ;)

Then there is Riverstyxxx who was so helpful in making something useful out of a bit of otherwise completely fecking useless spam I received earlier this week. I'm happy he saw humor in it, because to be honest, it rather pissed me off!

Lucky for me this guy (who is wayyyyy more opinionated and offensive than I could ever be!) was watching my back!

With friends like him, who needs stalkers?? ;)

Well, back to my own offenses and have a good one!

Oh, and I do hope you make it up on Youtube!

I'll be watching....and blogging. :p